|Perversion: Here, There and Everywhere
Author: Lady Emzebel PM
Is nothing sacred anymore! Anywhere the Straw Hats go, wild scenarios and hectic emotions are sure to follow in quick sucession. Fill for the Genre/Emotion challange by The Sacred and Profane. Chapter 5: Anti-climactic final chapter is anti-climactic. OTLRated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Angst - Chapters: 5 - Words: 10,132 - Reviews: 23 - Favs: 12 - Follows: 6 - Updated: 11-27-11 - Published: 05-25-10 - id: 5996884
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: Right, so here I'm killing around five birds with one stone. May I present to you a combination of The Sacred and Profane's two challenges, the "Genre Prompt" and the "Biological Prompt". This is also the first out of the three pairings requested by Penniless1. Thus I dedicate this shwack of crack to them. Happy reading.
Title: Bones of the Pharaoh
Warnings: AU. Perversion. Crack.
In the Valley of the Kings, under the light of the pale full moon, the sand gleamed bright and silver. A scorpion scuttled out from under a rock, only to flee back to its hiding place when a heavy boot came crashing down where it had been moments before.
"Robin! Babe, are you sure it's around here?"
Two figures, one slender and feminine, the other built like a brick wall, hurried down the winding valley, casting twisted shadows on the parched ground and their panting breaths forming little clouds of vapour in the frigid night air of the desert. The woman was tall and dark haired, her raven tresses pulled back in a ponytail under a purple cowboy hat. Her companion was taller still, and had it been daylight, his cyan-hued pompadour and funky Hawaiian shirt would have been blinding.
"Now now Franky, do you really think I'd lead you astray in the middle of the desert? That's much more Professor Roronoa's area of expertise."
After a delightful wedding back in the United Kingdom, the two of them had booked a three week trip to Egypt for their honeymoon. Robin's passionate love for history and Franky's obsession with all things architectural had lead to a fully enjoyable time perusing the tourist locations before the both of them developed the 'itch' on their last night and decided to do a little illicit grave-crashing before they returned home the next morning. Robin for the thrill of discovery and Franky for the...well...sheer Indiana Jones vibe of it all, supposedly.
Without the approval of the SCA, however, the couple had no right to be in the burial place of Pharaohs, hence the mad midnight dash to the newly discovered tomb. But the tip off from their 'special contact' Usopp, who was, quite coincidentally, just passing through, had been just too good to pass up.
"Er honey...maybe you shouldn't diss the guy who owns and is highly capable of using every single weapon from every single time period known to mankind."
"Mr. Roronoa knows perfectly well that I hold him in the highest esteem. In any case, his wife Sanjiko would be monumentally displeased to discover that he had a hand in my messy demise."
Franky let out a small cough that sounded vaguely like "whipped" and Robin chuckled before frowning and coming to a complete, abrupt stop. Franky crashed to the ground behind her, only just stopping short of ploughing his wife into the ground.
"Really?" Franky scrambled to his feet, glancing round excitably. "Awesome!"
"Are you adverse to a little heavy lifting my love?" Robin gestured to a decently sized boulder wedged against a low cliff in the side of the valley wall.
Franky rolled up his sleeves and spat on his hands.
"Anything for you babe."
"Super!" Franky breathed as he turned his flashlight to the vividly painted walls.
"We are quite lucky. The fact that the tomb has been sealed since two days ago has kept everything remarkably well preserved. Now come, Mr. Usopp told me that the sarcophagus is a little further on."
Several winding passages and false rooms later, the couple halted inside the grandest room of them all.
"The burial chamber."
The cyan-haired architect let out a low whistle.
"Nami'd have a cow if she were here. Look at all this treasure!"
"Quite opulent is it not? But if Usopp was right, this isn't even the half of it. Brukhaktamun's death mask is supposed to be particularly impressive."
"Brooke who now?"
"Brukhaktamun, dear. That's reputably the name of the pharaoh buried in that little stone box over there."
"Assist me with the lid would you please? I fear even this would be too heavy for me to move otherwise."
"You got it, babe."
With a grating rasp, the flat slab of stone was slid aside and lowered gently to the floor to reveal a gleaming mass of gold plating and lapis lazuli.
"Yes. The death mask of Brukhaktamun. Glorious isn't it?"
"Forget cow. Nami'd conveive and birth a whale if she saw this."
Franky grinned at his wife, the expression half-lost in the gloom.
"I gotta hand it to you babe; this has got to be the find of a century."
"Indeed. I cannot wait to go home and secure permission to explore further...I wonder..."
The young woman fingered the death mask ponderously.
"Should we open it?" She inquired innocently, her eyes betraying her with a wickedly naughty gleam.
"Won't the experts be able to tell it's been opened?"
"If they do we'll be far away by then. So long as nothing's damaged when we leave, then no harm done."
"You're being surprising reckless babe..."
"It's been a while since I've seen a dead body. Humour me."
Deciding not to dwell on his wife's last statement, Franky gingerly reached for the death mask and slowly, carefully removed it.
Where the bandages around the head hand come free, it could be seen that a withered skull, stretched over with leathery skin and still retaining a few tightly coiled locks of jet-black hair, grinned back at them broadly.
"You know, it's pretty creepy how well they preserve them. Looks almost alive..."
And then the mummy opened its eyes.
Perhaps the symbols on the tomb should have been fair warning to the hieroglyphic-expert and her husband, but in their defence it was not common in archaeological circles to have to decipher a message such as: "Warning, cursed mummy is extremely horny. Awaken at own risk."
"This isn't happening. This isn't happening. This isn't happening."
"My my, the Ancient Egyptians certainly were adept at formulating the most potent aphrodisiacs, weren't they dear?" Robin commented conversationally as she and her husband were gleefully bound with rope and arranged by the perverted mummy as he desired. The pleasant, if somewhat smoky aroma of incense, retrieved from one of the storage jars littering the burial chamber, wafted around the cool dim room.
"WE ARE ABOUT TO BE DEFILED BY A MUMMY, ROBIN! A MUMMY! TELL ME THAT DOES NOT SCREAM OF NECROPHILIA TO YOU!"
"Keep your voice down dear; you'll draw the attention of everyone from here to Cairo if you're not careful."
"I DON'T CARE IF I'M HEARD ALL THE WAY TO ILLINOIS AND BACK! A GODDAMN DEAD PERSON IS ABOUT TO RAPE ME WITH A PHANTOM DISCO-STICK!"
"Fear the all-mighty bone of the Pharaoh! Yohohoho!"
Robin giggled and Franky groaned miserably. Fuck Indiana Jones. He was never going grave-crashing with his wife ever again.
Don't think this is the end. I still have four more coming up. :D