|As the White House Turns
Author: Nomad1 PM
Beware. Generally warped parody fic ahead. You can blame the posters at Television Without Pity for this one.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Parody - Jed B. - Chapters: 2 - Words: 5,237 - Reviews: 35 - Favs: 5 - Updated: 06-13-02 - Published: 02-16-02 - Status: Complete - id: 606646
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
|Spoilers:||Yes. All the way to season 3.|
|Disclaimer:||I don't own 'em. You're about to find out why.|
|Author's Note:|| This really isn't my usual style (duh). In my defence, the posters at Television Without Pity made me do it. Honest, they did.
And yes. It was me that did the graphs.
|Final warning:||Run. Run, now. Trust me.|
OVAL OFFICE, DAY.
POTUS is at his desk, LEO is standing in front of him.
Right, what's next?
I said, "what's next"?
What do you mean, "what's next"? We've only just started.
This is a dramatic way to make us look like we're busy people, Leo, get with the program.
So; what's next?
Well, um, we have some numbers here which say you swear too much, Mr. President.
What? What kind of crap is that?
It's true, Mr. President. Some student did a study. She made graphs and everything.
Dammit, Leo, you're telling me some college student has nothing better to do with her time than collect figures on how frequently I swear?
University student, sir.
No, 'cause this student's English and she gets really pissed off with the way Americans call college and university the same thing.
She's English? Then why on earth does she give a flying f-
The door slams open and JOSH rushes in.
Josh! What's wrong?
Nothing. It's just a dramatic convention that somebody cuts you off before you can say f-
The door slams open and HOYNES rushes in.
Mr. Vice President!
HOYNES [to Leo and POTUS]
Aren't you two gonna say something?
I'm trying to remember whether I call you John in company or 'Mr. Vice President'.
Yeah, me too.
So, are you here for a reason, or are you just-?
No, I'm doing the same thing Josh was.
We could argue, if you like.
No, I'm cool.
They stand around awkwardly.
COMMUNICATIONS BULLPEN, DAY.
TOBY, SAM, DONNA and CJ are clustered together.
This has gone on long enough. We have to do something!
Do something about what?
TOBY rolls his eyes.
Oh, for God's sake, it's a perfectly acceptable literary device.
Yeah, but how are people supposed to know what's going on?
We're giving them a little credit and assuming they can pick it up as they go along. Unlike you.
Okay, that's it. I'm not letting you be Batman anymore.
You two, stop flirting!
We're not flirting. We never flirt.
You called him "baby".
I didn't mean anything by it! You called Josh "baby" once!
They all look at him pointedly. He shrinks down into his shirt collar.
I don't flirt with Toby.
You flirt with everybody.
That's not flirting. That's just my movie idol looks and strong sexual chemistry.
Sexual chemistry? You don't have chemistry, you just have a love interest of the week. Josh and Donna have chemistry. Me and Toby have chemistry.
I do too have chemistry! I have chemistry with Ainsley!
And Josh. We know all about you and Josh.
It's not my fault! Everybody has chemistry with Josh!
Except his girlfriends.
This has gone on long enough. We have to do something.
DONNA [turning towards her]
Didn't I already say that?
I know, I just get this urge to repeat bits of dialogue for no particular reason.
Somebody should say something to Josh. I vote CJ does it.
Because you kick ass.
That's right. I do. Yeah, let's go kick some ass!
TOBY is beginning to shuffle away from the rest of them.
SAM [to TOBY]
Where are you going?
I have to get out of here. I'm suffering an acute case of CJ-worship, and I have to run before I'm forced to admit to having human feelings.
He sidles rapidly away.
Come back! I'm tall and elegant and cool, and I have a great laugh! And I'm really good in bed!
People appear in various doorways and stare at her. SAM turns to face her.
Why did you just yell that?
I used to think it was some kind of grand conspiracy to weaken my position by making me a sex object, but now I think I'm just doing it to piss people off.
Did you ever think maybe you're over-analysing?
Yeah, but that's what Aaron Sorkin says, and what the hell does he know?
OVAL OFFICE, DAY.
POTUS is still at his desk, and LEO stands beside him. JOSH and HOYNES have gone, but this is the West Wing so we don't have to have an explanation where or why.
Through the doorway we see CHARLIE get up from his desk and leave. POTUS immediately stands up and starts to tiptoe after him.
Shh. I want to see where he goes.
They follow CHARLIE through the corridors of the White House and go down to the basement, where he disappears into a door marked 'Plot Exile'.
LEO [looking over his shoulder]
Shouldn't your Secret Service Agents have followed us?
It's dramatic licence. [He regards the door curiously] I wonder what's through there?
I wouldn't, Mr. President.
Don't you ever watch horror movies?
Oh, like you even own a TV.
He yanks the door open. CHARLIE stumbles out, looking startled.
Mr. President! You can't come in here, you're the main character!
We don't have a main character, this is an ensemble piece.
Yeah, but some of us are more ensemble than others.
POTUS [turning to LEO]
You realise that made absolutely no sense?
It doesn't have to make sense if it sounds good. Just ask Toby about 'could care less'.
Yeah. I've been wondering, considering I'm a trivia-minded grammar geek, why I haven't corrected him about that.
Probably because you're too busy swearing.
Dammit, I don't swear!
CHARLIE clears his throat. The President turns back to him.
Charlie, who else is in there with you?
ZOEY emerges. POTUS looks shocked, whilst LEO sniggers.
It's okay, dad.
She holds open the door and ABBEY and ELLIE troop out, followed by a woman in her thirties and a teenage girl.
POTUS [to the woman and girl]
Who the hell are you?
I'm your other daughter, Liz.
And I'm your granddaughter, Annie!
Oh. I was wondering what you two looked like. Anybody else in there with you?
DANNY comes out.
Danny! What are you doing in here?
I was getting in the way of CJ and Toby's developing romance.
It hasn't developed very much.
I know. At least I got to kiss her.
POTUS squints through the door.
Who's that in there, right at the back?
A short figure emerges. It is... dramatic chord... MANDY.
Mandy! I thought you'd disappeared from my adminstration with absolutely no explanation?
I did. But now I want Josh to take me back.
The entire crowd shudders in terror.
JOSH'S OFFICE, DAY.
JOSH is on the phone. SAM appears in the doorway.
Shh! [into phone] Amy- Yeah, but, Amy- I know, I just, Amy- [he looks at the silent phone, and then hangs it up]
So what were you guys talking about?
I don't know. She kept saying "don't talk to me".
So have you tried, I don't know, not talking to her?
Yes, but that wouldn't fit in with my aura of complete romantic cluelessness.
You never come to me about your romantic cluelessness anymore.
I thought it would be a bit uncomfortable, what with all the unresolved sexual tension and all.
Unresolved? What about the time we-
Sam! You know the rules! You can get as slashy as you like in the subtext, but you're not allowed to actually say anything.
This is like the swearing thing, right?
How is it less rude to communicate the swear word by implication than actually say it out loud?
You got me. Hey, did you know that the President swears more than any two of the senior staff put together?
Yeah. Some student with no life did graphs.
Wow, that's geekier than me.
They leave Josh's office and go out into the bullpen, where they stop dead, hypnotised by the sight of an incredibly perfect beautiful woman. With really good hair. This is MARY SUE.
MARY SUE [perkily]
Hi! I'm Mary Sue Perfect, and I'm here to be the new-
She slumps suddenly to the floor. DONNA appears behind her, brandishing a heavy file triumphantly.
Trust me, it's better this way. [yells] Margaret!
MARGARET comes running, and skids to a halt as she sees the incredibly perfect beautiful woman slumped elegantly on the floor. With her really good hair.
MARGARET [rolling eyes]
Oh God, another one?
Yeah. We should get the Secret Service to do something. They're everywhere these days.
The Service are no good. Half the time they give them jobs.
Yeah. Like you could really throw yourself in front of a bullet and take that kind of care of your hair.
They pick up the incredibly perfect beautiful body - with really good hair - and drag it away.
WHITE HOUSE BASEMENT, DAY.
The crowd has dispersed, again with no explanation, except for MANDY ('cause nobody wanted to get left behind with her).
CJ, DONNA and SAM suddenly arrive. They stop short, shocked by the sight of her.
Mandy! You're not... you're not back, are you?
The others look scared.
I've decided I want Josh back! Never mind the obstacle of our complete lack of chemistry and the fact that we hate each other! And what are you three doing in the basement?
It was a plot necessity.
It goes easier if you don't sweat the small stuff.
Suddenly AMY appears. CJ nods her head towards her.
See, look, here comes another one.
It's not very convincingly plotted, this, is it?
It's a clever parody of Aaron Sorkin's tendency to leave plot points hanging and under-explain things.
That or it's just not very well thought out.
How did you know to come down here?
I have this psychic sense that tells me where the action is. It's how I manage to steal everybody's screen-time.
Well, that explains a lot.
AMY [to SAM]
Hey, it's not like you were doing anything useful with it. Go abolish the penny, crackplot boy. I have to go make out with Josh.
DONNA points towards the 'Plot Exile' door.
Hey, Amy, Josh is through there.
Ha! As if I believe Josh would ever be in there? Don't you know he's Aaron Sorkin's alter ego?
Is that why we all fancy him?
Well, that's a weight off my mind. I thought it was just me.
Oh, can it, Sam. Everybody in the entire world who's written about you thinks you're bisexual anyway.
I know! Is it something about me?
AMY, CJ, DONNA & MANDY
That's it! That's it, I've had enough! You always mock me, and, and, I'm the one who always trips over things, and I'm never allowed to have a proper long-term love interest, and people always write Evil Sam Fics and, and, and- [he points accusing at AMY] and you stole my screen time!
DONNA [points at AMY]
You stole my complicated unrequited-only-not-really boyfriend!
MANDY [points at AMY]
You stole my personality!
MANDY launches herself at AMY, and they roll around the floor, fighting. They roll through the door marked 'Plot Exile', and DONNA quickly slams it shut.
Great! [to the others] I'll stay here and guard the door, you guys go find a padlock.
And some concrete.
JOSH'S OFFICE, DAY.
JOSH has just heard the explanation from CJ, DONNA and SAM ('cause I'm too lazy to write it). TOBY's there too. Because he has some lines later. Josh looks completely stunned. In a cute way.
So Amy, she's really... she's really gone?
Rolled through the door of 'exit with no explanation', baby.
She does a little victory dance that looks way cooler than Josh's lame attempts.
Josh pulls a puppy dog face. And looks cute.
Well, um... which one of you is gonna be the hurt/comfort one, then? It's in the rules. I lost a girlfriend, you gotta come comfort me. Who's gonna comfort me?
None of us, Josh.
JOSH suddenly looks small and sad. And cute. Did we mention cute?
So you're... you're all leaving me?
They all nod slowly, looking sad. Because he's so cute when he's miserable. JOSH turns desperately to DONNA.
I'm sorry, Josh, I've, I've found somebody else.
She looks distressed. Because he's so cute when he's miserable.
And you, Sam?
And me. I'm sorry, Josh, I can't- I can't take the pain anymore.
They all look surprised.
Under my prickly exterior, I'm a sensitive guy.
No you're not.
I know. What's with people, insisting I'm a teddybear underneath? I'm really not.
Everybody looks back to JOSH. Because it's all about Josh. And he's cute.
We've found a guy who knows how to appreciate people.
A guy who's cranky on the surface, but has a heart of gold underneath.
Plus, I've always had a thing for older guys.
Suddenly the door opens and LEO comes in.
Hey, why the hell isn't everybody at work?
JOSH extends a hand to point at him, looking shell-shocked.
ROLL END CREDITS.
What can I say? You were warned.