By Nomad
June 2002

I never planned to continue this, it just... happened.

CJ'S OFFICE, DAY.

We open on a scene completely unrelated to the cliffhanger we ended on. 'Cause this is the West Wing, and we like you to imagine your own reaction shots. Maybe we'll give you it in a flashback later, if we feel like it.

CJ sits in the dark, staring moodily at her goldfish. JOSH appears in the doorway.

JOSH
Why is it so dark in here? It's like an episode of the X-Files.

CJ
It's a signifier of angst.

JOSH
But it's always like this.

CJ
Well, sometimes it's a signifier that we blew the lighting budget on special guest stars.

JOSH
Okay. So is this quiet, broody angst or imminent nervous breakdown angst?

CJ
The broody kind. You know I'm not scheduled for a breakdown until Christmas.

JOSH
Okay. We should probably get on with the foreshadowing, then.

CJ
Yeah. So my overemotional rant du jour is, why do I never get a decent relationship? Or laid, even. Even Sam got laid! What do I get? [glares at Gail] A goldfish.

JOSH
Pretend like I made one of those snarky witty comments like I do and now I'm making my sweet and supportive expression.

CJ
Okay. Rant part two; and it's not just me! Nobody around here ever gets to keep a love interest!

JOSH
Hey, that's not true. I have love interests.

CJ
We hesitate to use the word 'interest' in connection with any of your relationships, Josh.

JOSH
Hey, at least mine don't just vanish off the face of the- [thinks] Wait a minute.

DONNA appears in the doorway.

CJ
Hey, Donna. What are you doing here?

DONNA
Well, the plot was getting bogged down and we needed a convenient seague.

JOSH
Okay, I'm on my way.

DONNA
Hurry up. You know nothing important can happen without you being there.

They start walking together.

JOSH
Okay, is this one of those post-modern commentary things, or a sign of your undying snarky love for me?

DONNA
Oh, we're assuming I'm over that until further notice.

JOSH
Why?

DONNA
'Cuz you've lost all trace of the sweetness you once had I'm showing signs of developing a backbone.

JOSH
Well, who will you love if you don't love me?

DONNA
People have been observing that I would go very well with Sam, as it happens.

JOSH
Sam? And you? They have like, no subtextual support for that whatsoever.

DONNA
Yeah, but they've observed that we're the only two left that anybody can still stand at the moment. Plus, can you imagine what our kids would look like?

JOSH
You ought to worry about that. You know, on Buffy, being likeable adds up to you either leaving for ill-explained reasons and never being mentioned again, or getting shot and killed as part of an unimaginative plot device to add drama to the season finale.

DONNA
Boy, we're lucky stuff like that never happens around here.

OVAL OFFICE, DAY

POTUS is at his desk. CHARLIE appears in the doorway.

CHARLIE
Mr. President?

POTUS
Charlie?

CHARLIE
You're needed in the Situation Room.

POTUS [getting up]
Okay. By the way, I meant to ask you, are you still dating Zoey? And hey, what about those college courses you're taking? How are you doing with those? Also, what subjects are they again? And your sister, how come we never see her? By the way, did she change her name from Deanna to Deena or did we just imagine that?

CHARLIE is silent.

POTUS
Charlie? Charlie? [sighs] Did you exceed your lines quotient for this week again?

CHARLIE nods mutely and shrugs apologetically.

SITUATION ROOM, DAY

POTUS walks in on FITZ and a table of official looking uniformed extras who won't say anything but add gravitas to the proceedings.

POTUS
Ah, Fitz! Can we get Nancy in here?

FITZ
Hold on a second, sir.

FITZ runs out of the room.

There is a brief pause, and then NANCY runs in.

NANCY
Mr. President?

POTUS [frowning]
Where did Fitz go?

NANCY
That's not important. Mr. President, people in the Middle East are blowing things up.

POTUS
Is that the full extent of the intelligence briefing?

NANCY
Sir, it's really all you need to know to follow the plot, and it seems silly to tie up the narrative with a load of bulky exposition that's bound to be riddled with factual inaccuracies anyway.

POTUS
That's never stopped us before. Get me Fitz in here.

NANCY runs out of the room.

Long pause.

FITZ runs back in, out of breath.

POTUS
Fitz?

FITZ
Hold on a second, Mr. President, I just need to find somewhere to put my 'Nancy' wig.

POTUS
Give it to Charlie to hold, I can guarantee it'll never be seen again. Did you have something to brief me on?

FITZ
Oh, you can go now. We've had the punchline.

POTUS
Okay. Call me back in if you need me to mull over any angsty dilemmas.

FITZ
Will do.

Camera follows POTUS out of the room, where he encounters RON BUTTERFIELD.

POTUS
Ron! What are you doing here?

RON
No particular reason. It's just been observed that I add a certain amount of coolness to a scene just by being in it.

POTUS
Oh. Kind of like the Amy effect, only in reverse.

RON
Yes, sir.

POTUS
So if we got the two of you in a room together, would there be some kind of huge explosion or something?

RON
No, sir.

POTUS
Why not?

RON
We really don't have that kind of special effects budget.

POTUS
Okay.

He wanders off. Where to? Who knows, and who cares? The important thing is everybody moves around a lot so they look really busy.

COMMUNICATIONS BULLPEN, DAY

JOSH walks up.

GINGER [calling out]
Sam! The plot's arrived!

JOSH
Hey, Ginger. I've been meaning to ask you - what happened to Cathy?

GINGER
Oh, you know. I killed her.

JOSH
Yeah?

GINGER
Yeah. It's this thing I've got. Working for Toby for so long... I suddenly snapped, and started bumping off anybody whose name ended in a Y. First I took out Mandy and Cathy when you were all distracted by the shooting. Then I went after Zoey, Danny and Mallory...

JOSH
Wow. Hey, though, didn't some of those people make special guest appearances in the last part of this story?

GINGER gives him a look.

GINGER
Continuity, Josh?

JOSH
Fair point.

GINGER
You haven't seen Abbey, Ainsley, Andy or Joey for a while, either, have you?

SAM emerges from his office.

JOSH
What kept you?

SAM
Oh, there's this whole thing going on where I get left out of the loop on all sorts of things and nobody can work out if it's intentional or not.

JOSH
Oh, right. What's this thing going on about you and Donna, then?

SAM
Well, you know. People have been figuring out that you don't deserve her.

JOSH
I figured that out ages ago.

SAM
Was that one of those self-depreciating guilt complex moments that you used to be so touching with?

JOSH
Yeah.

SAM
I thought you'd stopped doing those?

JOSH
I figured I'd better keep in practise, just in case they give me my personality back once I break up with Amy.

SAM
What makes you think you will?

JOSH
Well, none of the relationships people liked have stuck around, so this one should be doomed too.

SAM
Well, you'd think.

JOSH
Yeah. So... Donna?

SAM [shrugs]
I don't know. I think we'd make a sweet, affectionate, non-dramatic couple who don't fight much.

JOSH
Oh man, that sucks.

SAM
Yeah. We don't stand a chance, do we?

OVAL OFFICE, DAY

POTUS is at his desk. TOBY appears in the doorway.

TOBY
Hey. Charlie wasn't here to introduce me.

POTUS [nodding]
He's run out of lines again. What can I do for you?

TOBY
Oh, you know. I'm just here on a pretext so I can make inappropriate comments and you can shout at me.

POTUS
Okay. Shall we start with my parents?

TOBY
Well, this week I thought I'd go into my theory that you were probably a mixed-up, bullied, drug smoking cross-dresser when you were a kid.

POTUS
Well, that's an unsupported, pointless, completely irrelevent thing to confront me with. Sounds perfect.

TOBY
Okay. I'll talk, you interrupt, I'll talk over you, and then you can shout, okay?

POTUS
It's a game plan.

OUTSIDE THE OVAL, DAY

LEO approaches as JOSH is emerging.

LEO
What's going on?

JOSH
Oh, the usual.

LEO
The president's in a bad mood over something dark in his personal life, and randomly taking it out on the staff?

JOSH
Yeah.

LEO
You gonna go have a panic attack or something?

JOSH
Nah. I think we've pretty much forgotten I have those.

LEO
Okay.

The camera follows him in as he goes to join POTUS.

POTUS
Ah, Leo. Toby's inappropriate but penetrating psycho-analysis has encouraged me to take a stand against my inner demons. After I've finished being cranky, of course. I need to tell the world - I was thinking of writing a TV series.

LEO
You know, if you dramatise real-life events to put your point across in a TV show, people are gonna accuse you of being insufferably arrogant.

POTUS
Well, what if I make similar examples up, then?

LEO
Then you're rewriting history to suit your own world-view, and that's insufferably arrogant.

POTUS
What if I do my best to just tell a good story without attempting to educate anybody?

LEO
Then you're insidiously putting your world-view across without taking responsibility for doing so, and you're...

POTUS
Insufferably arrogant?"

LEO
You're catching on.

POTUS
So I should try to educate people about the issues?

LEO
No. Because that's preaching your own point of view, and it's insufferably arrogant.

POTUS
Well, should I at least try to address people's concerns?

LEO
Then you're using your own, much bigger pulpit to shout down the littler people.

POTUS
Which is-

LEO
Yeah.

POTUS
So I should avoid addressing them?"

LEO
Well, you could, but they're gonna assume you think you're above them and you're-

POTUS
Insufferably arrogant.

LEO
You bet.

POTUS
So basically, if I try to educate, don't try to educate, use real-life facts, avoid using real-life facts, address people's concerns or don't address people's concerns, I'm gonna come across as an arrogant bastard?

LEO
Pretty much.

POTUS
So wouldn't I be better off just giving up and writing my TV series however the hell I want?

LEO
You know, it's exactly that kind of "I don't care what you think" attitude that makes people think you're an arrogant bastard.

WHITE HOUSE CORRIDORS, DAY

JOSH is wandering the corridors. What? Why? He just is, okay? Sheesh.

The ghost of MRS. LANDINGHAM appears, carrying a cookie jar.

JOSH
You're a ghost!

MRS. LANDINGHAM
No dear, just a wandering plot device.

JOSH
Oh. Why are you here?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Well, I was sent to give the president a kick up the backside, but apparently he's got a psychotherapist to do that now.

JOSH
Yeah, Stanley.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Didn't you used to see a therapist called Stanley before?

JOSH
Yeah. It's one of those quirky coincidences that happen all the time in real life, but everybody thinks are ridiculously contrived if you see them on TV.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
I guess I should find something else to do with my time here, then. Would you like a chocolate chip cookie, by the way?

JOSH
Thanks-

As he reaches for the cookie jar, a mystical energy bolt zaps him.

JOSH
Ow! Did you do that? What the hell was that for?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
We're sending a subliminal message that bad things happen to people who reach for chocolate-related snack foods.

JOSH
You can't do stuff like that to me! Don't you remember I have PTSD?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Don't worry, dear, you won't have a relapse until a dramatically appropriate time.

JOSH
Really?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Oh yes. The president has the same deal with his MS. He won't be having another attack until after reelection.

JOSH
Why are we even bothering with this whole reelection arc? I mean, it's a forgone conclusion, us running against Ritchie and everything.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Well, it's not as if anybody would seriously believe a man that stupid could get elected President of the United States.

JOSH
Well, exactly. Where are we going?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
To find all the others, and tell them how to fix their lives.

JOSH
Okay.

TOBY'S OFFICE, DAY

SAM, TOBY, DONNA, JOSH, CJ and the ghost of MRS. LANDINGHAM are there.

Because I just randomly picked an office to have them all gather in, okay?

SAM
Why isn't Leo in on this?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Because Leo's cooler than cool and doesn't need to change anything to be universally adored.

JOSH
Hey! I thought I was the one who was universally adored?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Oh, please. Haven't you heard people saying "I hate Josh", or "I can't believe Josh did that, he's such a jerk"?

JOSH [squirming]
Well, sometimes.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Ever hear anybody say "I hate Leo"?

JOSH
No.

CJ
Although there has been some muttering about the fact that he always wears horrible brown suits.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
The point being, even when he's messed up, Leo's still cooler than cool and nobody finds him irritating.

DONNA
Well, so is CJ.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Yes, but she needs to get her act together like the rest of you. CJ, Toby, stop messing around. You're made for each other - get on with it. Okay?

CJ and TOBY look at each other, shrug, and nod vigorously.

CJ & TOBY
Okay.

They proceed to make out.

SAM
What do I need to do?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Stop wimping out and actually take issue with all the people taking you for granted. Also? Get a real girlfriend. It's not difficult. Walk up to a random pretty girl, say "Look how gorgeous I am, date me." It'll work.

DONNA
What about me and Josh?

JOSH [hopefully]
Do we get to do the making out thing too?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
No, you're both on probation for being morons. Josh, get out of your weird, warped unhealthy pseudo-relationship, try to find your old personality, and stop treating Donna like dirt. Donna, keep on with the whole responsibility thing, find yourself some backbone and self-respect, and start treating Josh like dirt, because he totally deserves it. Okay?

DONNA, JOSH & SAM [nodding]
Okay.

CJ and TOBY are too busy making out to reply.

MRS. LANDINGHAM [shaking her head]
Honestly, I step out for a year, and everything goes to hell in a handbasket.

She disappears in a blaze of white light. CJ and TOBY continue to make out. The others look at each other.

JOSH
Wow.

SAM
Yeah.

JOSH
I guess this changes everything.

DONNA [rolling her eyes]
Oh, don't be stupid.

JOSH
What?

DONNA
It's the end of the episode. It's not like there's gonna be any fallout from all these revelations next week.

SAM
Oh, yeah.

JOSH
Good point.

SAM
Is this the end, then?

DONNA
Yup.

SAM
Shouldn't we have a cliffhanger or something?

DONNA
Oh, we don't do those anymore.

SAM
Oh, right.

FADE OUT.
ROLL END CREDITS.

I'd say "The End", but hey, it was supposed to be last time, and look what happened.