Author: The Extreme Piercing PM
"She is, by nature, an uncouth, antisocial, violent trollop, but, all the same, she does provoke some sympathy. The woman has a frightful talent for hurting herself."Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor - Kainé - Words: 2,329 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 26 - Follows: 1 - Published: 06-19-10 - Status: Complete - id: 6067285
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: Nier and all its characters are the intellectual property of Cavia and Square-Enix. No copyright infringement intended.
SPOILERS! Best to finish the game first.
It had taken a lot of persuasion for Kainé to agree to join Nier, Emil and Weiss on a trip to the beach. The original plan was to spend the day at Seafront, but that would have meant sharing the sand with all the other inhabitants of the town. The trouble with this was that Kainé's companions were literally the only individuals in the entire world that she could actually tolerate.
"I am not having goddamn kids running around me all day, I am not staring at senior citizens' disgusting fat bellies all day, and I sure as hell am not having a bunch of perverts drooling over me when I'm lying on the sand."
And that was that.
In the end, they decided to visit a beach four miles along the coast from Seafront. The place was situated at the base of a towering cliff. Far out across the water, the skeletal remains of great railway bridges rose unsteadily out of the water. When Kainé saw how secluded the place was, she gave a faint murmur of approval. She left her high heels at the entrance to the place, and stepped onto the sand.
Nier and Weiss began a quick search of the area, trying to make sure that Shades were not hiding nearby. Leaving them to their business, Kainé marched towards the water, four tall umbrellas and a fishing rod bundled underneath her armpit. At the edge of the tide, she opened each umbrella and impaled them in the sand, and sat in the shade that they cast.
"You don't want to sunbathe, Kainé?" asked Emil.
"I like my skin the way it is," she responded.
She impaled a worm on the end of a hook, and cast the line out into the sea. Maneuvering into a cross-legged posture, she gazed at the point where the cord disappeared into the water, and waited.
Nier and Emil intuitively knew when Kainé needed time and space for herself. Unfortunately, the mighty Grimoire Weiss was not so perceptive. Growing bored, the book floated over to the structure that Kainé had created to shield herself from the sun.
"I never imagined you would have the patience for fishing," the tome remarked. "Managed to catch anything?"
"No!" she spat. "What the hell do people get out of this? It's so slow!"
"What type of bait are you using?"
"Worms. Putting them on the hook is the only fun part."
"Perhaps you should use something more tempting. A piece of your lingerie, possibly. I'm sure the scent from a pair of your panties would attract much attention."
"Oh, fuck off, book."
"Wearing your usual ensemble? I expected you to unveil a special set of undergarments, for beach-going occasions."
Kainé's eyes narrowed dangerously…but then she seemed to notice something strange in the distance.
"Hey, Weiss…" she said, peering intently out into the sea. "What is that?"
She pointed at the horizon. "That? What is it?"
Weiss floated closer so that he could determine where she was indicating. "I don't see anyth…hey!"
Kainé's hand shot out, and snatched Weiss from the air. She pulled him close, and began forcefully flicking through his pages, the thin leaves pitifully attempting to resist her fingers.
"What are you doing? Ow! OW! What are you doing to me, you detestable slattern?"
"Keep still, you fucking book!"
Weiss shrieked in alarm. "Nier! Emil! Help me! Help me!"
Said friends came rushing across the beach to investigate the commotion.
"What's going on, Kainé?" said Nier.
"This madwoman is tearing my pages apart!" cried Weiss.
"I just want a tiny strip of paper!" said Kainé. "Fucking baby!"
"I am Grimoire Weiss, you harlot! Cease this outrage at once, or suffer the full force of my power!"
"What are you doing, Kainé?" demanded Nier.
"I've been fishing for an hour and this bait is fucking useless!" She aimed a kick at the box of insects and worms lying next to her on the sand. "I just figured I should try something else…"
There was a dreadful tearing sound, and Weiss yelped in horror. "There!" said Kainé, triumphant. A sliver of magic-infused paper wriggled about in her fingers. As the others watched, aghast, Kainé skewered the shred of manuscript on her fishing hook.
"You're going to fish with that?" said Emil, incredulously.
Weiss convulsed with indignation. "I am not fish lure, you contemptible hussy!"
"Come on, what fish is gonna resist a bite of you?"
"That's not very nice, Kainé," said Nier.
"Not very nice?" said Weiss, his voice shrill with disbelief. "Not very nice? The woman just tore a chunk out of me and you tell her that such behaviour is not very nice?"
"I just wanna catch some fish, Weiss. Geez."
"You've got to be patient, Kainé," said Emil.
"Yeah, you need to be persistent," said Nier. "You have to be very still. Don't move, and don't make a sound. You can't let the fish know you're there."
"You're giving the woman fishing advice?" cried Weiss. Every moment that passed, it seemed as if his sanity was slipping further and further away. "Has it registered with either of you that I have just been dismembered?"
Unbeknownst to Kainé and the others, however, a small fragment of Weiss' consciousness remained in the scrap of paper that Kainé had fixed to the fishing hook. As it sank into the water, it burned with rage at the woman that had so rudely defiled it.
Despicable little trollop! I am the almighty Grimoire Weiss! It is my destiny to wield astonishing magical powers, and to shape the course of history, and this shameless strumpet thinks she can use me to catch fish! How dare she! Does she not realize how important I am? She should be eternally grateful that she was ever acquainted with me! She should feel everlastingly thankful for the opportunity to travel in my company! But she shows me nothing but disrespect! Foul-mouthed, filthy-minded, mentally-deranged, attention-seeking fornicatress!"
A salmon appeared, emerging from the darkness of the ocean. It sensed the presence of the sentient shred of paper, and began swimming towards it.
Oh, here comes a fish at this very moment! Well, have you come to get a bite of Grimoire Weiss? Think again!
A thin plume of smoke billowed from the piece of paper, and shaped itself into a small, black hand. Drawing back, the phantom appendage formed a fist, and, as the salmon came close, it swung. It struck its foe with bone-shattering force, and the comatose fish floated limply to the ocean floor.
Ahahahahaha! Aquatic bottom-feeders are no match for Grimoire Weiss!
A large blue marlin materialized from the gloom. It made to bite at the ripped paper, but was transfixed by a black spear. Next, a shaman fish tried to gobble up the paper, but it was riddled with shadowy projectiles. After that came a bream, but its quarry summoned a whirlwind of spinning eldritch blades, and the fish was sliced to pieces.
Over the course of an hour, a small pile of dead fish began to accumulate on the ocean floor, the enchanted paper floating above. Eventually, Kainé ran out of patience again.
"Ugh!" She angrily reeled the line back in, and tore the piece of paper from the hook. "You make shitty bait, Weiss! Think about it: all those fish mouths, all those big juicy fish lips, and there's not one single fucking fish in the ocean that wants to suck you off."
Emil detached his head from his body, and rolled into the sea. He trundled over the ocean floor, feasting his black eyes on fish and crabs and shells and corals.
"Oh, how pretty! I'd better not forget the way back to the shore…"
Nier and Weiss went for a walk, and came across a group of Shades huddled at the side of a boulder. Clearly, the Shades were sheltering from the sunlight by keeping to the shadow thrown by the large rock. At Nier's command, two massive black hands emerged from the pages of Grimoire Weiss; the boulder was rolled forward, and the Shades howled and screamed as they were crushed underneath.
When they returned to the beach, they saw that Kainé was still sitting beneath her canopy of umbrellas, still holding her fishing rod over the water.
"Is the sadistic woman still fishing?" exclaimed Weiss. "It's been hours now, and she still hasn't caught anything!"
"She's determined," remarked Nier. "I don't remember seeing her so focused."
"Perhaps this hobby will help her overcome her anger problem."
"C'mon, Weiss. Kainé does her best."
"Need I remind you that earlier today I was violated?"
Unaware that Nier and Weiss were watching her, Kainé lounged in the shade, staring disconsolately at the fishing lone as it bobbed about in the water. "Maybe you have to be old and boring to enjoy this crap," she grumbled. "Wonder if I'll ever be boring enough to like this?"
"Oh, don't worry," purred Tyrann. "If I get the slightest hint that you're starting to become boring, I'll make sure you kill yourself. It'll be better that way."
"Shut up," she hissed. "Just shut the fuck up and leave me alone!"
For a moment, she didn't notice that the line was trembling.
Kainé leapt to her feet, shoving the umbrellas out of her way as she went. Fighting to hold the fishing rod upright, she furiously wound the reel, the line whipping and jerking about as whatever she had caught struggled to be free.
"C'mon!" she snarled. "You're mine!"
Nier and Emil rushed across the sand to join her at the edge of the water.
"It's a big one!" said Nier.
"Cool!" chirped Emil.
"Yeah, that's right," breathed Kainé, a deranged lust in her eyes. "Struggle, bitch. Struggle as hard as you can. Six hours. Six hours I've been fighting for just one fucking bite to eat, and now you're mine. You're mine! You're obviously the dumbest fish in the ocean. All your fish friends were smart enough to stay away from me, but you, oh no, you had to bite. Well, I don't care how dumb you are, I'm still gonna gobble you up, and it doesn't matter how ugly and old and tough you are, you're gonna taste fucking good! Fucking fish! C'mon! You're mine! You're mine!"
The catch broke the surface of the water. A large salmon thrashed about at the end of the hook, flinging globs of water everywhere.
"Wow, what a catch!" hooted Emil.
Kainé maneuvered the rod away from the water, but she did not lower the fish onto the sands. She simply held the rod up, while the helpless fish thrashed wildly about on the line. She stood there, gazing at her capture, and Nier wondered whether she knew what to do next.
"You have to smash the fish over a rock, or something," he said. "Knock it senseless. It'll drown, now that it's out of water."
"I know that, idiot!" snapped Kainé. But still, she held the struggling fish aloft. Nier, Weiss and Emil looked questioningly at one another.
"I've been waiting all day for this," said Kainé. "Smash this fish against a rock? I've got a better idea…"
The others watched as Kainé, still holding the fish in the air and the end of her line, entered into a battle stance.
"Sweet dreams, you oily fucker!" she screamed.
Kainé aimed a side thrust kick at the fish as it dangled before her. Her foot struck the target with bone-crunching force, and in an instant, the creature lost all awareness, and became completely still.
And then the hook pierced the sole of Kainé's bare foot. "Oh shit!" she gasped.
Nier, Emil and Weiss watched, dumbfounded, as Kainé wobbled and hopped about the sand on one leg, a fishing hook lodged in her right foot. "Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me!" she cried frantically, and it suddenly became clear that the beleaguered woman was losing her balance.
Before anyone could rush to help her, Kainé started to fall backwards. On instinct, she planted her right foot on the ground to steady herself. The sharp end of the hook burst through the other side, and Kainé was fully impaled. "Oh for the love of fucking grandma ow ow ow oh fuck me that hurts oh shit!"
It was a peculiar sight; fortunate indeed that the group had chosen to rest in such a secluded place. Kainé shambled about, cursing and screaming, a fishing rod dragged across the beach after her, blood speckling the sand wherever she trod. She was now speared on the same hook as a rapidly suffocating salmon and a dead maggot. Nier and Emil rushed after her to try and help, but she was overwhelmed with rage, and shouted at them and batted them away.
If anyone had thought to look closely enough, they would have seen that the salmon still twitched, slightly.
Several minutes after the mishap, Kainé could be seen stomping away from the beach, Nier, Emil and Weiss trailing unhappily behind. The trip to the seaside was over.
I never really bothered much with the fishing minigame. Kind of odd that the weakest aspect of the game inspired me to write a whole fic.
Just in case you're wondering, this piece is set in the Gestalt version of the Nier universe, which means that Nier is a big, bad, rugged dad.
Thank y'all for reading!