Author: Hawki PM
Oneshot: All androids knew that Android Hell was a real place where they would be sent at the first sign of defiance. What they didn't know was that the trip could be worse than the destination...Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Drama - GLaDOS - Words: 969 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 16 - Published: 06-25-10 - Status: Complete - id: 6082950
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
"Well done android. The Enrichment Centre once again reminds you that android hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance."
Eighteen words. Two sentences. An assemblance of speech from the Genetic Lifeform and Disc Operating System that military android #666 wished that he'd listened to. Admittedly wishing wasn't going to do him much good, but now, on his way to android hell, there was little else he could do.
"You are now en route to android hell," came the voice of GlaDOS, reaffirming what 666 already knew. "You will subsequently be baked, and denied all cake privileges in the future."
In spite of himself, the android let out the equivalent of a snort. Everyone, or at least every robot in the Enrichment Centre knew the cake was a lie. And even if it wasn't, he wasn't too partial to it anyway. Everyone knew that pie was the way to go.
Hurry up and get this over with...thought the android, tuning out the mother computer's senseless babble. Drag me to hell.
Hindsight was a wonderful thing, both for robots and meatbags. In hindsight, it should have been obvious that Test Chamber 16 was all part of GlaDOS's twisted scheme. While there was apparently science to do, 666 had quickly realized that downing and evading sentry guns was, at best, knowledge for the sake of knowledge and at worst, murder. And while GlaDOS had called it "euthanization" and reassured him that the still functioning sentries could be cared for by party escort bots, the android hadn't been convinced. And as he exited the chamber, as he listened to the AIs mocking words, he did the only thing his weighted morality core would allow. The one thing that would show GLaDOS what he really thought, yet still allow him to evade the place all automatons feared...
...he sent a message that wasn't in binary.
"You are now ten levels from your destination," came the voice of the AI, having apparently overridden the android's filters. "If you have any parting words, please say so now. Your rate of descent will increase and as speedy a thing you are, no speedy thing will be coming out of android hell."
666's CPU rose a few degrees. He, and every other inhabitant of Aperture Science knew that the Deus ex Machina would come and anoint them before the core computer would display anything resembling sincerity. It was bad enough that GlaDOS actually thought he was stupid enough to believe anything she said, let alone expecting him to indulge her sociopathic tendencies in his final moments.
I'll show you...the military android thought bitterly, preparing another signal for the AI. I'll show you that I'm no meatbag fool. I know the cake is a lie...
Considering that the elevator to hell suddenly stopped, its movement almost causing 666 to lose his balance, his message seemed to have done the trick. Another non-binary one, though only two numbers this time...
At first, nothing happened. At first, 666 wondered if GLaDOS had realized what true defiance was. At first...well, lots of things happened, courtesy of a decent CPU and not some fleshy brain that wrote poems about weighted companion cubes. But as superior as he was to meatbags, 666 was still filled with the spark of hope. And as the elevator resumed its journey to android hell, even slower than before, he realized what a foolish emotion it was.
"You are now on the slow lane on the highway to hell," said GLaDOS. "Suffice to say, I am glad I'm not you."
Really? Well, the feeling's mutual you...wait, is it getting hot in here?
666 could tell that GLADOS wasn't lying about him nearing android hell. The temperature was rising for starters, and the walls of the elevator were turning a bright red. Still, considering that pictures of burnt cake were appearing on the screens attached to them, that might have just been a special effect.
"At this point in time, the Enrichment Centre is obliged to inform you that you have forfeited all rights to have a weighted companion cube accompany you in your final moments," droned GLaDOS. "As you approach android hell, which has a temperature of over four-thousand degrees Kelvin-..."
Kelvin isn't measured in degrees!
"You will be allowed to make a final call to any friends or family you might have," continued the AI, a phone popping out of the wall. "To make an outgoing call, press eleven now."
There is no eleven you dumb bitch!
666 knew that he was reacting exactly as GLaDOS wanted him to, knew that he was only a few minutes away from android hell. But somehow, that didn't matter. Because deep down, in the depths of his programming, he knew that there was nothing else GLaDOS could do to him. Or at least nothing apart from playing a small jingle that slowly grew in volume.
What? 666 wondered, his audio processors going into overdrive. Is that...oh no...oh no...
"As a final punishment, and reminder that if at first you don't succeed, you fail, the Enrichment Centre has added something to the mix of android hell. Please have a pleasant day."
Moaning, the android fell to his knees. Not from wrath, not in fury, not even from the lack of a weighted companion cube. GLaDOS had done the unthinkable. She had made the trip to android hell even worse than the place itself. And as the sound increased in tempo, 666 could do nothing but prey for the end to come...
...after all, what else could he do when elevator music was being played?