Fresh TV-The Musical!

*Warning: Multiple cross-overs based on Daria's Musical episode. Major OOC-ness may occur.

Curtain up. Interior, suburban house bedroom. Chris McLean from Total Drama is standing there with Mrs. Masterson (Jen's mom from 6teen) preparing for a busy day at work. Stanley from the mall rolls by on a Big Wheel, prompting Chris to break out in song.

CHRIS: I got a Big Wheel rollin' in my heart!

MRS. MASTERSON: I really don't know what that's supposed to mean.

CHRIS: It means a brand new mornin's gonna start!

MRS. MASTERSON: Put on your pants! We're seeing more than should be seen!

PEOPLE OUTSIDE THE WINDOW: I'll say!

MRS. MASTERSON: Today I'll be the perfect wife and mother!

CHRIS: Today I'll show my viewers that this man is strong!

MRS. MASTERSON, checking appointment book: But, oh. Today's booked up like every other.

CHRIS, shoulders sinking: I'll prob'ly tell my viewers that they're right and I am wrong.

BOTH, suddenly happier for no reason: But still it's morning in the 'burbs!

Cut scene to Caitlin, looking out of other suburban household window.

CAITLIN: It's such a great day I wish I could buy it.

It looks so good it makes my eyeballs hurt.

(Posing with different outfits in front of mirror): Does this go with this top?

Should I try it?

MIRROR CAITLIN: Oh, put on any skirt or shirt!

You'd even look good wearing dirt!

CAITLIN: Thanks!

BOTH CAITLINS: On this morning in the 'burbs!

Cut to darkened bedroom, again in same house. GWEN lies sleeping, mostly covered by blankets. Only her face is showing.

GWEN, flatly: Oh me, oh my, a lovely day is dawning.

Oh, what a joy. I didn't wake up dead.

So I can go to school and then resume my yawning.

(Pulling covers over face): And get my sleep in class instead of in my bed.

Cut to interior suburban kitchen. Chris and Mrs. Masterson are present. There is a plate of toast slices on the counter.

CHRIS: Morning, Emma!

MRS. MASTERSON: Morning Chris.

CHRIS, touching hair: Hair all right?

CAITLIN, entering: Maybe some frizz.

CHRIS: Great, and now I'm leaving this.

(exiting) It's off to work I go.

CAITLIN AND MRS. MASTERSON: 'Bye!

MRS. MASTERSON, turning on TV: What's the weather like today?

TV WEATHERMAN: There may be a hurricane on the way.

MRS. MASTERSON, switching off TV: But it's such a lovely day.

CAITLIN, as they both exit: What does science know?

Gwen enters. She grabs the toast plate and touches a slice.

GWEN: Oh, that's great. The toast is cold.

(walking over to garbage bin): What tales of nothing will unfold?

(emptying toast into garbage as others gradually join in): Here on this same old…

ALL: This same old morning in the 'burbs!

Cut to interior of school lunchroom. Gwen, NIKKI and LINDSEY are all in line. Lindsey grabs a small glass filled with yellow and blue Jell-O cubes.

LINDSEY, impressed: Oh my gawsh! Look at the Jell-O!

GWEN: It's jiggling.

NIKKI: Worried about the competition?

LINDSEY: It changed into the school colors. On pep rally day! There really is a school spirit. Spooky.

Exeunt Lindsey.

GWEN: Pep rally day?

NIKKI: I guess we'd better make alternate plans.

GWEN: Hello, Mr. Roof.

Cut to assembly hall. Most of the lesser cast members fill the bleachers while DJ, TYLER, and some other large male characters stand on the main stage.

DJ: As captain of the team, I would just like to remind everyone that there are some things more important than winning.

TYLER, interrupting: Yeah, like kickin' some major butt! (crowd cheers) Yeah! We are the champions, my friends! I'm the Q.B.

COACH HALDER comes onstage.

COACH: Everybody, listen up. Calm down. Quiet down! I have just been informed that this morning's hurricane advisory has just been upgraded to a hurricane WARNING.

Beat.

OWEN, in audience, raising hand: Are we all gonna die?

COACH: Not on school property, you're not!

TYLER: But what about the big game?

Beat. Coach narrows his eyes a bit.

COACH: Cancelled.

Beat.

AUDIENCE: NO!

COACH: Yes! Now everybody out. Everybody out.

I want a quiet exit.

That's what exiting's about.

As Coach exits, RON THE RENT-A-COP comes onstage.

RON: You will not scream or howl or shout!

AUDIENCE, as they exit: Everybody out!

Everybody out!

CODY is under the bleachers, attempting to peek up skirts. He wolf whistles at a particularly hot woman before singing.

CODY: But what if, what if, what if the town blew away?

TYLER: Where would the football players play?

CAITLIN and CLONES: Where would we go to shop all day?

COACH and RON: Would we get three months off with pay?

ALL: If the town blew away?

Cut to Tyler and football team. Lindsey pirouettes over to them.

LINDSEY: I hope you're not too sad that you don't get to play.

TYLER: I am, but I think the weather's fine.

(Spoken): X-Files says that this is just the way the authorities create, like a natural disaster, to cover up what's really going on. I mean: Big game? Big storm? Coincidence?

ALL FOOTBALL PLAYERS: Well, we're not falling for their line!

LINDSEY, dancing around Tyler: Come on, Tyson,

Don't be mad.

I've got a way to make you glad.

We'll go up to some other place.

TYLER, exiting with Lindsey: That's cool, babe!

Let's go suck face!

Cut to exterior school roof. As Gwen and Nikki begin talk-singing, we gradually zoom in on them.

GWEN: Hey, look at what the newspaper is saying.

NIKKI, curious: What?

GWEN: It says a great big storm is on the way.

NIKKI, impressed: Cool.

GWEN, getting up: The roof's not really where we should be staying.

NIKKI: Why not?

GWEN: 'Cause this great big storm is happening today.

NIKKI: Hey! What if the town blew away?

GWEN, suddenly into it: Why, Caitlin would have nowhere to stay!

NIKKI: The mall would be gone, and that's okay!

BOTH, sinking to their knees: Down on your knees and begin to pray

That the town blows a-wayyyyy!

Both begin to exit, soon coming up on the stairway where Tyler and Lindsey are making out.

NIKKI: You know, being a post-apocalyptic town is gonna be cool. Other towns will be scared of us.

GWEN: I think they already are.

The two stop when they reach the stairway.

GWEN: Oh, look: a hurricane of passion. (to Tyler and Lindsey) I hate to break you guys up, but the newspaper says there's a hurricane coming.

NIKKI: You might wanna take your extracurricular activities indoors.

TYLER, the first to break the kiss: No way! The newspaper said that? Man! I thought the Coach was just trying to fake us out.

LINDSEY: Yeah. He was, like, messing with our minds.

NIKKI: Why doesn't that add up for me?

Tyler stands aside, allowing the ladies to go ahead of him.

TYLER, opening the stairway door further: Ladies first.

Unfortunately, his opening of the door causes the wood block that was holding it open to slip and the door to collapse and lock. This happens in slow motion.

GWEN, in equally slo-mo: NO!

Tyler tries the door, but it's jammed.

TYLER: It's jammed.

GWEN: Great. Now we're not only gonna die, but the headline's gonna read: "Popular High School Quarterback Perishes, Unidentified Bodies of Others Also Found."

(singing): I always knew that I would die in Nowhere'sville.

NIKKI: But I didn't think I'd die there quite so soon.

TYLER: Hey, this is like that video "When Scary Storms Kill"!

LINDSEY: Will being dead wreck my afternoon?

ALL, as we zoom out: If the town blows a-wayyyy!

*End of Act 1