|I Will Not Lose You
Author: wsm021 PM
Sometimes you've got to lose the one you love to realize just how much you don't want to lose them. Puck didn't say it made sense, he just knows its true. Puckleberry Love 3 *Companion piece to Keep Me From My Thoughts review review reviewRated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Puck & Rachel B. - Words: 2,803 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 10 - Published: 07-05-10 - Status: Complete - id: 6114046
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: Though I wish at 11:11 every day and night I still don't own glee =(
The room was void of warmth. A shiver ran down her spine in a way she had never felt. It spread throughout her body until the blood chilled in her veins. She was frozen. There was a silence Rachel had never experienced. It was not a room in which there was no sound but a room incapable of perceiving sound. There could be a million bells going off and she wouldn't hear them. Not a single one. She was deaf. If there was sound, if she could move there would still be no hope. The air was dry and it only served to cripple her lungs. Every breath she took shortened her life. She was dying.
For a couple that didn't really speak they fought more often than Sylvester terrorized children. Most of the time the problems were small, insignificant and unimportant. Sometimes the issues were hard to deal with but never were they impossible. Not until now. Not until two seconds ago when he'd walked out the door with no intention of walking back in. He was stiff in his movements, there was no flow or grace just jagged edges of pain. This was one of the most painful things he'd ever experienced. He closed his eyes to shut out the pain.
An hour passed before the shock wore off. Rachel ran faster than she ever had before. Her door handle hits the wall with impressive force. She makes it down the stairs without feeling them under her feet. She's out the door and soaking wet in a matter of seconds. It's midnight, and the thunderstorm is still going strong but she sees him; through the black, through all the water in her eyes, through the pain in her heart. He's standing at the edge of her driveway with his head hung and his hands in his pockets. She's careful as she approaches him, she doesn't want to push him further away then he already is.
Even with his eyes closed and the thunder he knows she's behind him. He can feel her, it's that pull, their gift and their curse. Even when he was this hurt, even when he felt betrayed it wouldn't let him leave. He'd gotten as far as the driveway and that's all. It's not that he didn't want to walk away because he did. Walk away from her, from what she'd done, from how he felt. It was this damn pull keeping him here. It was the pull that turned him around more than it was what she said. "You said we'd be okay."
It's a low blow. She's not stupid she knows that. He hadn't said that in two years, because he hadn't needed to reassure her. They had never come close to breaking up. Not until today. Today she'd become single. Today she'd been dumped and it was taking everything she had not to just give up and die. But dying wouldn't get him back. Dying wasn't solving shit. So yeah, if she had to hit low to get his attention then you had better believe she was packing punches. It's the remorse in his eye that gives her the courage to close the distance between them. There's a part of him that wants her still. There's still hope.
He had said that, made that promise. Damn this pull he could have been at home drunk as fuck by now not being guilted by his girl… ex-girlfriend. Jesus how did it get so bad? Right, Finn. Finn Hudson, the former best friend he hadn't spoken to in years had ruined his life. Wait, no, he's more mature than this. Finn technically hadn't done anything. It was Rachel's choice to spend a weekend in New York with him while her boyfriend was visiting his daughter. He's not a controlling boyfriend, but he thinks that he's within his right to be pissed as shit. And when she says it's his fault she went, he's furious. He wasn't off playing house with Quinn and her bio mom, he was seeing HIS CHILD. Just like he did every three months. And never once had she pulled this.
She knows what she did was wrong. She's far from dumb, going to your favourite city with your ex-boyfriend while your current one is out of town is wrong. Lying about it is horrible and if the roles had been reversed she can only imagine her reaction. But her birth mom only talked to her on her birthday, so she was super sensitive about Sophia. Noah and Quinn usually had her for a week in Lima. For whatever reason this time they went to Sophia in Cleveland. The thought of Noah in her mother's house with Quinn and their daughter made her sick to her stomach. And Finn had been here, pissed at his new girlfriend and looking for something to do so they took off.
He could have dealt with the trip. Noah was not insensitive; he knew his leaving was bringing up insecurities for her. It was the lying. They didn't lie to each other, probably not once in their entire lives and definitely not since they became a couple. To find out from Kurt had been more than he could handle. But was this the best way to handle things. She's standing in front of him looking as if she'll collapse at any moment. Even with all the rain he can see the tears staining her cheeks. Promises, promises, that they'd make it in the long run, that he loved her more than anything, that they were forever. All for not, all empty words in the wake of this disaster.
She's made a mess of things, she tells him with her eyes. Nothing happened in New York says the hand caressing his cheek. Another step towards him so he knows the distance is killing her. She intertwines their fingers to remind him what it felt like before the separation. Tilts her head to the side pleading with him to reconsider and forgive her. She holds his gaze because looking away might be what has him walking away for good.
She's close enough that he can smell her vanilla body spray and pantene conditioner. Close enough that he can't think of anything but her. He can't lose her, but he can't trust her. He kisses her. It feels different. That breaks what's left of his heart. He tucks the loose hair behind her ear to say he's sorry. Brings her into a hug so that she knows he's still in love with her. Takes both of her hands and brings them to his lips so she knows his heart is as broken, if not more broken than her own. It takes everything he has to let go of her. He takes a step back and the pull is back full force but he has to ignore it.
She's lost. In the war for Noah's heart she has been defeated. And she was battling herself, her own insecurities, and they won. He turns his back and she can see his breathing become uneven. He hadn't stayed because he wasn't sure. He'd stayed because he couldn't leave; the pull between them was keeping him there. She remembers what it was like with Finn back in the time before Puckleberry. The ache in her heart whenever he was near and if that's how Noah felt right now then she had to let him go. No matter how much it may kill her she places her hand on the middle of his back.
The step he takes onto the sidewalk is shaky. He wouldn't have been able to make it without her pushing him. Even inside the destruction of their relationship they were still supporting each other. He calls Santana as he walks home. She's going to need her friends and no one is as good at rallying the troops as Sans is. He ignores her attempts to take care of him because his only concern is Rachel and as he hangs up he wonders if that's ever going to change. He should be surprised to find the boys in his driveway but he's not, Santana's always had his back. The bottle of jack in Mike's hand does not bring back old memories because he stopped thinking about half a block back.
Mercedes drags her inside. She hadn't moved an inch since Noah walked away. Kurt takes her to yoga on Monday. Santana joins her in dance class on Tuesday and Thursday. Quinn decides she needs vocal lessons on Wednesday and she'll just double with Rachel to say money. Britney and Tina occupy her time when the others are busy and the summer becomes a routine of keeping her mind off Puck. She can't find the words to tell them they don't have to try so hard, she stopped thinking the minute he disappeared in the storm.
He forgets about Noah, there's no need for that side of him anymore. Even though he's not the same as he used to be Puck is glad to be out to play. And oh boy does he play. Ohio had never seen the likes of him. They thought he was a predator before, that was nothing. The boys were out almost every night and the girls were flowing faster than Niagara Falls. Pixie short brunettes with Pocahontas hair and brown eyes are no longer his type. Anyone even remotely matching that description is left off his potential list. They saw the sun just before they went to bed and briefly when they woke up and there was no party left untouched. It was summer after the hell that is first year and they went wild.
Rachel was blissfully kept in the dark about what Puck was up to. She was kept in the dark about a lot of things but she wasn't complaining. She had enough on her mind without worrying about that. It took her a while but she was learning what it meant to be single again. It was different this time around though, she had grown up a lot being with Noah. Jesse grew up a lot during that time too. She realizes this when they go out for lunch towards the end of summer.
He's getting ready for the move. After a year at OSU transferring to UCLA is a big deal. He wonders when Rachel's leaving to start at NYU, for a second, then he catches himself and gets back to packing. He tapes up the last box and puts it in his truck. He's willing to bet his life that she was trained as a ninja because when he turns around Rachel Berry is standing at the end of his driveway. He wonders when the pull diminished so completely, it had been a long time since she'd been able to sneak up on him. He doesn't know what to say, but the way she's fidgeting lets him know that she isn't coming any closer. He goes to her, puts his hands in his pocket and waits for her to start.
She doesn't know what to do. She speaks enough Noah to know he's waiting on her but she's not as fluent as she used to be. Being around everyone else had forced her to use her words a lot more often than gestures. Would it be weird to actually have a verbal conversation with him? And even so could she communicate with him any other way at this point. "You think too much Berry." Well good to know he's still fluent in her, it makes her feel a warmth she hasn't felt in months. "I know. How are you Noah?"
She's still the only one that calls him Noah, other than his mother and his daughter, even his sister calls him Puck. He likes it, so much so that he takes her hand without thinking and leads her to the front steps. He tells her what he's been up too, without too much detail. He tells her about the transfer and how excited he is to finally be out of Lima living on his own. He tells her about his last visit with Sophia and everything in between. It feels good to talk to her, to laugh with her. He'd lost his best friend in their break up and it was good to feel that bond still there.
She doesn't cry, she takes pride in that. She listens to every word and finds she's genuinely interested in every facet of his life. Then it's her turn and before she can think about what she's willing to share and what she isn't her mouth is going a mile a minute. She tells him everything. Everyone is great and she can honestly say that they are her best friends but Noah was always the one she was closest too. Being there with him just reinforced that, she was leaving tomorrow and just couldn't drive away without seeing him.
He doesn't know how he feels about her, he doesn't want to think about whatever feelings may still be there. He just hugs her and holds her while the sun sets. It isn't hard to let her go this time, he doesn't know if it's because he's no longer in love with her. She promises to stay in touch and he says he'll check in once he's settled. There was more to their relationship than being a couple and more than anything he's glad they didn't lose that. There are a lot of things he wants: her in his life is definitely one of them.
New York is everything she knew it would be. It's where she was always meant to be. The air is better, the grass is greener, the cement more solid and the atmosphere is straight out of her best dream. Everyone comes to visit her the first few months. The one's who stayed in Ohio visit more often and she lives with Quinn and Santana so she never really felt homesick. Except when Noah calls, but that's a different kind of homesick because it's more about being where he is than being in Lima. A year away from Jesse doesn't make her feel this way, so she smartens up and she's single again. This time there are no tears and Rachel decides it's never too late to go home.
When she breaks up with Jesse he realizes he's still in love with her. Two years 7 months and 19 days later and he's still hooked. He realizes this while he's at a friend's watching the super bowl and he has the sudden urge to go back to his apartment. He goes through his head of all the possible reasons he would need to go back there but he can't think of a single one. He tries to ignore it but it's a nagging feeling like maybe he left the stove on and his place is on fire. Expect he hadn't used the stove all day. He doesn't recognize her at first; her hair is shorter and she's got curves he never got to hold in high school. He realizes it was the pull, back at full force that drew him here.
She's usually smarter than to randomly show up at someone's house without first making sure they were home but Noah often had her doing stupid things. She didn't know what to say so she tilted her head to the side. She looked at her bags on the steps and then met his eyes. He took the bags in; she'd be staying at least the weekend. He smiled in a way he hadn't in a long time. There's a smirk on her lips and he recognizes it immediately because it's his. He steps into her arms and it's never felt so good to come home. "We're going be okay."
"Good, because you're mine".