|The BAU Zoo
Author: ilovetvalot PM
Hasn't everyone looked around at their colleagues at some point and decided that they work in a zoo? Why should the BAU team be any different. Team-centric.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Words: 1,951 - Reviews: 37 - Favs: 62 - Follows: 4 - Published: 07-29-10 - Status: Complete - id: 6187568
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: Okay, so I needed to return to my roots and do something lighthearted and fun. I hope this qualifies.
The BAU Zoo
As Spencer Reid extended his long legs in front of him, he happily clasped his book between his fingers as he intently read the written words. The engines of the BAU jet roared to life in the background, the plane aiming for home. It was about time, his rational mind declared. At times, he'd thought their current case would never end. But, it finally had, and each member of their team appeared to be as anxious to return home as he was.
As the plane leveled out and the noise level decreased, he heard a deep voice behind him ask, "Okay, brainiac, what's so interesting in that book? Don't you ever let the mind rest, man?"
Glancing over his shoulder at Morgan, Reid replied, one brow raised, "This IS me resting."
"Of course it is," Rossi murmured, rolling his eyes as he glanced at Reid across the aisle. Shaking his head, he muttered, "Kid, do you even know the meaning of the word 'relax'?"
"I'm actually hoping to learn," Reid said eagerly, holding his book aloft. "And I think this is going to help immensely."
"What is it?" JJ asked, leaning around Rossi to see the book Reid held in the air.
"It's called Made for Each Other: Creating the Best Life for Animals by Temple Grandin and Catherine Johnson," Reid announced proudly. Looking around, he smiled at the collected quizzical faces of his colleagues. "I'm thinking of getting a pet!"
Frowning, Emily tilted her head. "Reid, are you sure you want to take on that kind of responsibility?"
"Well," Reid said slowly, dropping his book back into his lap, "I actually think it will help me in social situations. I mean, if I can deal with an animal, humans are simply a step up the evolutionary scale."
Smiling benignly at her suddenly talkative friend, Garcia nodded. "You tell 'em, my pretty. Personally, I can see you with a little terrier puppy. I think you'd both be adorable."
"No, not terriers," Reid shook his head, crinkling his forehead in objection. "Based on my research, they are notoriously hyper breeds. My excitable level only goes so far."
Looking around, Garcia grinned. "C'mon guys, if I were an animal, what do you think I'd be?" she asked, eyes shining with mischief.
Hand darting wildly into the air, Morgan called, "Ooohhh! Choose me! Choose me!"
"Yes, my handsome hunk of chocolate. Your answer?" Penelope asked, inclining her head regally.
"You, My Goddess, would be like the most decked out toy poodle in the hood...sparkly studded collar...sweet little outfit..."
"A toy poodle," JJ choked, quirking one brow as she glanced askance at her technical friend.
"Hell yeah! Those little dogs are all cute and sweet, but you piss one off and KABAM!" Morgan said, clapping his hands together for effect, "They'll bury those razor sharp fangs in a man's ankle so fast, he'll scream for their mama!"
"You," Penelope said, pointing a long elegant finger at her best friend, "get ten points for creativity."
"And another ten for nailing Pen's character," Emily admired.
"Okay," Penelope said, happily clapping, "Who's next? JJ!" she exclaimed, wagging a finger at the young blonde, "What would she be?"
"Hey," JJ groaned, trying to sink deeper into the comfortable leather seat, "why do I have to go next?"
"Because I said so, that's why," Garcia chirped out, smiling sweetly at her friend. "Now, let's think." Tapping her finger against her lips, she thought out loud, "Hmmm." Turning toward the seat across the aisle, she called out, "Agent Rossi? What's your suggestion? What animal would our JenJen be?"
"Mama bear," Rossi answered evenly, never even looking up from his book. "Touch her cubs and you'll get her claws."
"Actually," Reid interjected, leaning forward as his eyes brightened, "That is an excellent comparison. A mother bear will not attack unless her offspring are in danger. Much like JJ, I might add. Her mother bear instincts come out every time we have to do battle with the press or uncooperative LEOs."
"Are you all saying that I have to add all of you to my will now?" JJ snarked, rolling her eyes as she leaned back in her seat. "'Cause, I gotta say, keeping track of my son takes all I've got nowadays without having to ride herd on your sorry rears also."
Chortling, Morgan grinned as he said, "Oh, I just got this mental picture of Mama Bear JJ rearing up on two legs and baring her teeth, claws extended as she starts to tear at some hapless reporter. Please, someone take pictures the next time that happens, okay?"
"Very funny," JJ muttered, glaring at her laughing colleagues. "Fine, Morgan," JJ said, eyeing him narrowly. "If I'm the Mama Bear, you're definitely a wolf. The alpha wolf."
"Oh," Emily said, eyes widening slightly as she turned toward Morgan, "Now, that's true. You definitely feel the need to prove you're the biggest, roughest badass in the FBI every time a LEO comes around."
"Especially if she's got a big set of..."
"Garcia," Hotch warned calmly from across the aisle, never looking up from his paperwork, "I think we already had the PC conversation once this week, didn't we?"
"Yes, sir," Garcia admitted, casting her eyes meekly down at her lap though her lips twitched uncontrollably.
"A big set of what?" Reid asked, looking haplessly around, his eyes widened.
"Handcuffs, Reid," Rossi answered dryly as he deflected the younger man's question. "What about Prentiss?" he asked, winking conspiratorially at Penelope.
"Hmmm," JJ hummed, cocking her head as she stared across the seat at Emily. "I'm thinking something feline."
Nodding his agreement, Dave, too, tilted his head as he studied his raven-headed colleague. "Calico?"
"Too sweet," Morgan denied, shaking his head as he eyed the brunette.
"Gee, thanks, Derek," Emily huffed, not-so-gently kicking the man's muscled calf. "I like you, too."
"I've got it," Penelope declared, snapping her fingers. "Siamese."
"That's it," Derek grinned, nodding happily.
"Okay, I've gotta here the basis behind this analysis," Emily replied, settling back in her cushioned seat.
"Simple, really," Reid said easily, still perusing his book. "Felines, particularly Siamese, are sleek, agile and extremely graceful. All characteristics that define Emily."
"Not to mention the fact that if you piss one off, it's not afraid to spray all over your shoes," Rossi grunted. "Much like Prentiss isn't afraid to piss all over somebody's parade if they tick her off."
"Again," Emily replied drolly, "thanks so much." Smiling sweetly, Emily said, "I do think that it's our Agent Rossi's turn under the microscope. Does anyone else see the resemblance to a horse's ass or is that just me?"
"Har har," Dave smirked as laughter echoed in the cabin of the plane.
"Actually," Reid commented, glancing toward Dave. "I've always thought of you as a Great Horned Owl."
"Explain yourself, pretty boy," Morgan ordered, interested.
"Well, those birds are notoriously majestic, solitary creatures by nature, and above all, they're hunters," Reid explained knowledgably.
"It all fits," Garcia nodded, turning to inspect the older agent, mentally imagining him perched on a tree limb surveying his kingdom.
"Don't forget nocturnal," Hotch added, his head bent over his paperwork. "Dave does his best writing at night."
"Okay, so we've identified me, JJ, Emily, Rossi, Hot Stuff here," Pen piped up, jerking her head toward Morgan, "and Agent Owl. That leaves Reid and the Boss Man."
"I know what Reid is, PG," Emily said, glancing over her shoulder at Garcia.
"Well, don't keep us in suspense, Buttercup," Pen urged, reaching forward to pat Reid's shoulder. "Tell us about our Boy Wonder, here."
"Reid is very definitely a Myna parrot," Emily announced proudly, her dark eyes sparkling.
"I've never heard of that," Derek grunted, turning inquisitive eyes toward her.
"When my mother took a six month post in Bangladesh when I was thirteen, my nanny had one. And it definitely shared some qualities with our Reid."
"Such as?" JJ asked, her eyes twinkling as she smiled toward a curiously engrossed Spencer.
"Well, Nanny's bird could spout random facts he'd heard about any and everything under the sun. In two languages. Much like our Dr. Reid can do from anything he reads. It was quite entertaining."
"I just found your new nickname, Kid," Morgan chuckled. "Parrot Boy."
"Thank you so much, Emily," Reid mumbled, pursing his lips as he sank in his seat, pursing his lips in a definite pout.
"And then there was one," Pen said gleefully, pointing to the back of the plane at Aaron Hotchner.
"Feel free to leave me out of this," Hotch replied, never bothering to raise his head as he made notes in a file.
"Nuh uh, Boss. It wouldn't be a party without you," Pen shook her head. "First one to peg the man in charge wins," she announced.
And as if by silent vote, two words escaped six mouths simultaneously. "German Shepherd."
Finally lifting his gaze from the documents he'd been engrossed with, Hotch asked, offended, "You think I'm a DOG?"
"You're loyal," Penelope shrugged.
"And dedicated," JJ offered gamely.
"Strong," Reid piped up over his shoulder.
"Fearless," Emily commented, meeting her Unit Chief's eyes with an even but kind gaze.
"Aggressive when pushed," Rossi chimed in, nodding his agreement.
"But more than capable of ripping the throat out of a threat," Morgan concluded with a note of finality.
"Face it, Boss Man," Pen grinned, throwing her hands up in the air. "That's you!"
"Just what every single heterosexual male wants to be compared with...a dog," Hotch muttered to himself.
"Well," Reid said with a look around the gathered group, "You've all assisted me in making a difficult decision."
"Really?" JJ asked, leaning forward. "You've decided on a pet?"
"Absolutely," Reid said, bobbing his head. "A goldfish, it is."
Incidentally, Reid and the fish that he dubbed, Nemo, were very happy for several days. Until Nemo suffered an obvious break from reality and flung himself from his watery perch to his sudden death.
Rest in Peace …..Nemo Reid….July 1-July 14, 2010.
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