|A Madman's Guide to Soul Judging
Author: iverniler PM
Can't decide who to send where while playing the game? Never fear! Mike the angel and Malacoda the demon are here to help, using their inside information to solve your philosophical dilemma! Warning: Contents may be volatile.Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Supernatural - Chapters: 43 - Words: 16,907 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 36 - Published: 08-04-10 - Status: Complete - id: 6206233
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Hello there! I'm your anonymous narrator. Congratulations on your purchase/loan/theft of Dante's Inferno! The video game, that is. As you play this game, you'll come across several souls in Hell that you will be asked to judge. It'll be up to you to decide whether to forcefully absolve them of their sins and send them to Heaven, or to damn them to Hell. Again. While the latter is basically a lateral move, it nevertheless is considered an important choice to make, not to mention a difficult one. I mean, who are we to decide where the dead should go? Well, your philosophical qualms can be put to rest! My company has decided to make a helpful guide to help you decide who gets ornithology lessons from St. Francis and who gets to spend the rest of eternity getting better acquainted with the business end of a pitchfork. And, to ensure that our decisions are 100% deity approved, we've decided to take a page out of The Divine Comedy, and used powers the likes of which man was not meant to know to summon an angel and a demon to debate the destination of our lucky shades. So, without further ado, allow me to introduce you to our metaphysical judges. First, the angel Buenodian!
That's not my name.
True, but come on, no one will take you seriously if I say: "The angel Mike."
Given that you just revealed my true name, I'd say the point is moot.
That's not my department.
Ugh, whatever. Our other guest comes to us straight from the 8th Circle. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the leader of the Third Platoon of the Fifth Company of the Second Division of the First Corps of the Malebranche, famous for his cameo role in the original Inferno, please give a warm round of applause for: Malacoda!
Good to be back in print, friend. Also, I'd like to take a moment to say how great it is to be working with my old pal Mike again. Why, I can't remember the last time we were together!
That would be when you tried to cut off my wings during The Rebellion.
Ah. Well, that's all in the past, right?
Fine, so long as you don't try it again.
Don't worry Mike; for your protection (and mine) we've put both of you in separate rooms, connected to each other by short-range radios, so there's absolutely no chance of a miniature Apocalypse occurring in this building.
You just have to take all the fun out of everything, don't you?
Yes, well, um… At any rate, these two will act as your counselors. After I indicate the circle we're in and the damned soul's name in the chapter's title, I'll give you the soul's background information. Then these two will debate whether you should save or re-damn him or her. Or it, in some cases. Mike will try to convince you that the soul should be saved, whereas Malacoda will try to keep the soul in Hell.
No shit, Sherlock.
I must admit; that did seem fairly self-evident.
Oh, be quiet. These people bought Dante's Inferno, how smart can they be? Anyway, we'll always try to reach a conclusion, but in the end, the choice is still up to you, the player. Let's begin!