|A Madman's Guide to Soul Judging
Author: iverniler PM
Can't decide who to send where while playing the game? Never fear! Mike the angel and Malacoda the demon are here to help, using their inside information to solve your philosophical dilemma! Warning: Contents may be volatile.Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Supernatural - Chapters: 43 - Words: 16,907 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 36 - Published: 08-04-10 - Status: Complete - id: 6206233
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Well, it looks like that's all of them! While our team of experts send our judges back to their respective planes of existence, I'd like to thank you, the reader, for reading this humble work of art, as well as my producers for making this all possible.
Also, don't forget, gentle readers, be sure to read only the Inferno part of The Divine Comedy. All that later stuff about hope and joy and goodness? Total trash. Besides, you're probably going to Hell anyway, so why not be prepared for it? In fact, since you're going to Hell anyway, you might as well give up on trying to be virtuous. After all, virtue is hard and boring, and who wants to waste the already too brief amount of time given to us worrying about something as dull as morality? Go out and have the time of your lives, and if your conscience says it's wrong, then it must be right, since all your conscience is good for is keeping you down!
H-how did you get in this room?
Ah. And how exactly did you get out of your room?
Hm? Oh, right, that; see, I got bored just sitting around, waiting to be sent back to Hell, so I decided to destroy one of the room's walls and have some fun.
But what about all our security measures? The garlic?
That's for vampires, genius, not demons.
The Japanese spirit wards?
Those only work in holy shrines. This is an office building. There's a difference.
The holy water? Surely that must have had an effect!
You really shouldn't trust everyone you meet on eBay.
My producers bought the holy water off eBay?
Hey, they were on a budget! Besides, does it really matter anymore?
…No, I guess not. So, uh… does this mean the apocalypse is about to begin?
Oh no, you'll get some warning signs when that's coming: rampant famine, visions of dead martyrs, a third of the sun and moon disappearing; you know, Revelations and all that.
No, I'll just cause a bit of havoc and be on my way.
…W-what kind of havoc?
Oh, just the usual. I'll probably blow up the Louvre, get Glenn Beck and Keith Olbermann elected president and vice president, make Russia accidentally nuke Shanghai; you know. That sort of thing.
Ah. Well, I wish you good luck with that, now if you'll just excuse me…
You're not going anywhere, chatterbox. See, I've been sitting on my ass talking for so long now; I'm worried I'm a bit out of practice with the whole "inflicting pain and misery" thing. So, I'm going to warm-up on you for a bit. I'd like to say it's nothing personal, but it's a sin to lie.
Hold it right there!
Oh joy. It's you.
Okay, now how on Earth did you get out of your room?
Nothing can stand before the mi-…
Might of God, blah, blah, blah, because he's so powerful and good and wise and so on. Hey, Mike, how about, instead of trying to fight me and getting beaten into a bloody pulp, you slowly pull that stick from out of your ass, go to Vegas, and find out what it feels like to get laid? Or are you afraid that giant excuse for a feather duster you have on your back is going to get stuck in a doorway?
…THAT'S IT! PREPARE YOURSELF FOR DIVINE RETRIBUTION, YOU VILLAINOUS FIEND!
BRING IT, DOUCHE!
Oh, this is not going to look good on my performance review… Anyway, I'd like to take this time to say that it's been a truly… interesting experience to do this, thank our special guest judges, who are currently otherwise preoccupied, and kindly ask my gracious readers to SEND HELP!