THE SILVER LINING

A/N: When I began writing this story, I wanted to write something outside of the mainstream to stretch people's ideas about sexuality throughout our lifespan. I wanted to do justice to an older Edward and Bella, since they're such a rare incarnation in the fandom. What I never expected was that anyone would want to read this story. It was merely a labor of love that I believed a handful of people might read. Instead, I'm completely overwhelmed by all the readers who have favorited this story, left amazing reviews, and pimped it to others. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your love of Silverfox. I'll do my very best to craft a story that is worthy of the attention you've given me so far.

Thank you to my lovely and thorough beta Lupin4Tonks for all your hard work to polish each chapter. I adore you.

Thanks also to my Twilighted validation beta AngelGoddess1981 who not only validates this story, but also leaves me little comments about what she liked. You are win, my dear. WIN.

Things I own: A brand new Kindle Fire. Yeah, I'm freaking excited about that.

Things I don't: Anything Twilight. That's all Stephenie Meyer's.

CHAPTER 6

This is precisely why I should never try to use a cell phone. I will never, ever, ever, send another text message as long as I live.

I turn the fucking phone off and throw it on the ground. I don't care if it breaks, because I'm never touching it again. My stomach is churning acid and my mouth is dry. I can't think of anything beyond this peccadillo. I have so much nervous energy that I'm pacing around my house, unsure of what to do next.

How the bloody hell did I manage to screw that up? How am I going to explain this to Alice? I can't possibly look my daughter in the eye again, much less speak with her. I briefly ponder hiding in my basement for several years until this blows over, but then I'm reminded that my basement is kind of mildewy, and I wouldn't have ready access to Bella. The latter is positively unacceptable. That means I need to figure this out and explain things to Alice.

Hiding in a hole does seem really appealing, however.

I know that Bella's at yoga, so I can't get help from her. Frankly, I don't even want to detail how badly my attempt at sexting went awry. There's only one thing I can do, and that is run. I quickly change into my running gear and head out the door.

As I start to move my feet, my muscles slowly melt into the pace, and my mind begins to unclench. I focus on the sound of my feet—a slow and methodical right…left…right…left. It's like a metronome that helps me to slow my brain down and relax a bit. No matter what negative thing I've had to deal with in my life, running has always been just what I needed to unwind. It somehow makes everything look a little bit better.

When I get back from my run, Bella is standing at my front door, knocking away and calling out my name. "Edward! Edward Cullen!" She pounds. "I'm not going away, so you open this door!"

She has a fucking phone charger in her hand, and it makes me want to vomit. Okay, perhaps overexerting myself on the run is the root cause of the nausea, but the phone charger definitely isn't helping.

I'm panting from my run while sweat drips from my forehead. She hears my gasping breath and turns toward me.

"Bell…B…" I stammer, leaning over and putting my hands on my knees for support. I take a few more deep breaths then I try again. "I needed you Bella. I needed you so badly. I fucked up and I don't know how to fix it."

"Forgive me if I'm a bit distracted at the moment. You're all hot and sweaty, Edward." She practically leers at me.

"No, I can't have you distracted right now. Something really terrible happened while you were gone."

Her entire face changes, filling with concern. "What is it?"

"Sexting gone awry," I groan.

She tries, mostly unsuccessfully, to cover up the grin that wants to bloom on her face. "Okay. Why don't you open the door and then you can tell me all about it inside?"

How does this woman weave such magic? I'm still mortified, but I don't feel as lost and overwhelmed as I did just moments earlier. I might be addicted to her smile.

I unlock my front door and then shut it firmly behind us, as if I can keep the sexting demons at bay with a mere double bolt lock. I place my key on the key holder rack, and it dawns on me that Bella really needs to have a key to my house; I don't want to think about her not being able to get to me if she needs to. Impulsively, I take one of my spare keys and place it in her palm.

"Wha—?" she looks down, confused.

"You need to have a key to my house. I never want to see you pounding on my front door again. Not when where you most belong is inside—with me."

"Oh, Edward. You're doing it again."

"What's that?" I say with some concern in my voice. The last thing I want is to be hurting or upsetting her.

"Giving me more reasons to fall in love with you. I think I'm a goner, to be perfectly honest."

"Well, I want you to have my key. I want you to have access to me 24/7. God knows when I'm going to have another sexting debacle that needs resolving."

"Yes, about that," she says, taking my hand and leading me up to the bedroom. "What is so dreadful that I find you all agog?"

We end up in my bathroom, with Bella taking my shirt off. She starts the shower running then peels off her own shirt while I remove my shorts.

"Hey, that's my job you know," I explain, chastising her for starting without me. I kneel in front of her and slip off her yoga pants. That was a mistake, because once they're gone, I see what's left.

A thong. A black, lacy, skimpy thong.

Sweet mother of jesus, thank you.

"I think the only way to save me from myself is to allow me a moment to admire this thong, Bella. Do whatever you can to erase this sexting disaster from my memory. Please. I need it. I need you."

"You're still all hot and sweaty," she explains. "Seeing you kneel in front of me is really getting me going."

I lean back and show her what it's doing to me. "You're not the only one."

"So your kink is lacy thongs, and mine is a hot and sweaty Silverfox. I think we can work with this."

"I kind of hate to even get in the shower and ruin this moment."

"Have you ever had shower sex?"

"No, I can't say that I have."

"Let me assure you that it will do nothing to ruin this moment. Trust me on that."

I deliver a kiss right on her pubic bone while I slide my palms over her bare ass. I hook my hands over the thin strap of her thong, and drop it to the floor. I give her another kiss in the same spot, sans thong, and I feel her weave her fingers into my hair and make what I can only describe as a happy noise. A very, very happy noise.

I want Bella Swan to make that happy noise frequently. I'm really pretty fond of it.

Using my thumbs, I spread her open and kiss her clit. More happy noises ensue, and it spurs me onward. I slide my tongue across her and she follows with a quick intake of her breath. I think one of my favorite things about being with Bella is that I'm never left wondering if I'm doing the right thing. She's such a willing, happy participant in this. Sex with Bella is like its own creature, one where we exist entwined in each other, connected in every way possible. I marvel once again that I never had as active a sex life as I do now. At age 65.

I'm a god of sex!

Bella slips her hand under my chin, cruelly distracting me from my task. "Get your ass into the shower, dirty boy. Remember: shower sex."

I take direction very well and do as I'm commanded. I smoosh her against the shower wall the minute we hit the water, but I'm almost immediately stopped in motion.

What the hell?

Bella turns the tables on me, pushing me against the wall. And getting onto her knees. That can only mean one thing.

Blowjob.

Blowjob.

BLOWJOB.

I get another blowjob.

A goofy grin blooms on my face. I love blowjobs. Correction: I love Bella's blowjobs. She can take in my entire length, and there's something incredibly erotic about being able to see my penis disappear and reappear as she takes me in her mouth.

Once again, I ask myself: where the hell has this woman been all my life? If I could have been this sexually blissed for the past 30 years, god—my life would have been so different. I remind myself that Bella and I might not have even liked each other 30 years ago, and leave it at that. There's no use in ruminating over what might have been when I can enjoy what is right here and right now. Plus, I have a blowjob that I need to focus on.

Bella interrupts what she's doing. "I really love your penis. It's beautiful."

I don't even know what to say about that. I'm thrilled that she loves my stuff, but I'm also a little embarrassed to have her say it out loud.

She stands up and pulls me into a kiss. "If I'm being completely honest, I really love all your bits. You're beautiful everywhere."

I just look at her sincere face, taking in her unique beauty, and I'm completely in awe of how lovely she is. So gentle, kind, funny. She's the best kind of person and accepts me as I am. The love she gives me, it's overwhelming. I say the only thing that I'm capable of saying at the moment.

"Bella, I simply don't deserve you."

"Oh, hush. You don't get to decide that. I do, and you're wrong. You do deserve me. After all the things we had to live through before we met, we deserve this bubble of happy that we've discovered."

I pull her back for more kissing, and allow my hands to explore her body while my mouth is otherwise occupied. She barely stops the kiss, moving her lips over mine as she asks for the soap. I make sure she gets reengaged in the kiss while I reach out for the soap. If she thinks that I'm going first, she's sorely mistaken. I want to take some time to worship her.

Stepping away, I suds up my hands and gently take one of her arms. I wash every inch of skin surface then move to do the same for the opposite arm.

"I love the way you touch me."

"That's probably because I love to touch you. I simply can't get enough."

I move on to her legs, so I kneel down. I reverently take her foot and set it on my bent leg. I soap her up, but make sure to just skim by the part she wants me to touch. I look up and her and grin.

"I lied. You're evil and nefarious, Cullen."

"Once again, you've seen my true colors. I was so close to fooling you, too."

"Well, you are pretty cute, so I might forgive you. As long as you keep doing what you're doing down there."

"Trust me, I'm far from being finished."

"Good answer. Carry on."

I do as she says, once again avoiding her bits. I stand up and position her hands to rest on the shower wall, so her back is facing me. As I reach her ass, I lean over and bite her earlobe, and she arches her back into me. We're quiet, nothing more than a series of groans, moans, and heavy breathing, coupled with my hands exploring her body. Unable to resist it any longer, I slide my fingers along her slit and hear her murmur a breathy, barely audible, "Oh, yes."

Oh yes, indeed. I turn her around and give her magnificent breasts some attention. They really are superb specimens and I feel like I don't worship them properly. They really need a lot of individual attention, because they are sublime. I suck and lick and nip, earning myself all kinds of happy Bella noises.

"Bella, I'm going to need to do an up close and personal inspection here," I tell her firmly as I get face to face with her pussy. "I need to make sure nothing is still dirty."

"I assure you, it's filthy down there, but I don't think there's anything you can do about that," she smiles mischievously.

"I'm happy to die trying. I know it's a tough job, but someone needs to do it."

I place one of her legs over my shoulder, opening her up to me. With my hands cupped over her cheeks, I hold her in place while my tongue goes exploring. I don't have any end goal in mind; I just want her to feel the pleasure of my mouth on her pussy. I'm by no means an expert on cunnilingus, but I am a willing pupil. I listen carefully to what elicits the happiest sounds, then work to refine my technique accordingly. I am a man of science, after all. You never get anywhere without lots of practice on refining your technique. For example, Bella seems to really enjoy it when I swirl my tongue around her clit several times before taking it into my mouth and applying as much suction as I can. No matter what, it makes her hips buck, and I love that.

"Fuck, Edward. Yes."

As I said before, I'm a god of sex. Clearly.

Without another word, she turns around, placing her hands on the shower wall. Looking over her shoulder, she tells me, "Fuck me. Please, fuck me."

Oh, hell. As if she even needed to beg; I'm always willing. The water provides enough lubrication, and I slide inside of her. If I'm being completely honest with myself, doing Bella from behind makes me feel dirty. As I said once before, Jess was partial to missionary position, so I don't have much practice with anything else. I was convinced that most women found rear entry to be degrading, like they're considered as nothing more than an animal, but I should have known that Bella would be different. She's willing to try almost anything, and I'm truly amazed at her flexibility. She's definitely a magical creature in my book, right up there with unicorns and leprechauns.

Uh, strike the leprechauns. That just makes me think of that damn slasher film that Emmett made me bring him to when he was underage. Then there's Lucky, of Lucky Charms, who isn't any better. Neither of those leprechauns belongs in the same sentence as Bella Swan, even if Lucky Charms are magically delicious.

I retrain my focus to watch myself sliding in and out of Bella, and it's almost too much. How did I get to become this man? The one who gets to have sex with this stunning woman? She turns her head over her shoulder again and encourages me to do it harder. Does she not understand that she's playing with fire, here? I'm liable to fall victim to spontaneous human combustion if she isn't careful. Nevertheless, I comply with her request and make note that harder results in louder. My thighs are slapping her ass and I'm totally lost in this feeling. She can feel my telltale twitch, and whispers "Yes." I finish, wrapping my arms around her torso and recovering my breath gradually.

She turns to give me a kiss, then proceeds to wash my body but with more emphasis on washing rather than teasing. It doesn't matter. Feeling her hands on my skin is still a sensual experience. We end the shower by washing each other's hair, and it's one of the simplest pleasures I've ever had. Bella was absolutely right—shower sex is a singular experience.

Once we towel off, Bella pulls me into bed, naked, and we snuggle into each other under the covers. She smells wonderful and feels even better, naked skin on naked skin. It's then that I remember my sexting mishap and get that familiar burn returning to my stomach. I must have tensed at the memory, because Bella immediately asks me what's wrong.

"Sexting."

"Oh yes, I seem to remember you being upset about that, but then you slyly distracted me with shower sex."

"The record states that you distracted me with shower sex, Ms. Swan."

"Mmm, no, I'm pretty sure it was all your doing. You're the one with the penis, after all."

I squeeze her a little more tightly. "The beautiful penis, if my memory serves me correctly."

She runs her hand over my cock and cups my balls. "Your memory is definitely correct. It's a beauty."

"So, you deliberately led me astray when I meant to wallow in my embarrassment and pain," I accuse.

"Well, you didn't think about it from the moment we reached your bedroom, so I'd say that's a good thing. Why don't you tell me what happened?"

I feel my cheeks flush. I'm so ashamed that I sexted my daughter. There's no way I can say this out loud.

She nudges me, coaxing gently. "Come on now, Silverfox. Out with it. What happened?"

"I sexted Alice."

She pulls back from me at once. "You what?"

"You heard me, I can't repeat it. I need to move to Antarctica for a few years until this blows over."

She gives me a look of impatience, which isn't what I expected. I assumed she'd be completely empathetic.

"You are not going to give up simply because you made a mistake," she says firmly. "Do you have any idea how many people make that same mistake, every day?"

Huh. I was so mortified that it never occurred to me that this probably isn't the first time a sexy text had been misdirected. "Really?" I ask, hopeful.

"Yes, really. So tell me, how bad was it?"

"Well, I was typing up our bucket list, and I was thinking about having sex on your porch swing. It, uh—" I stop. How the hell do I tell Bella I was perving out over the fantasy of porch swing sex?

"You liked thinking about porch swing sex," she says matter-of-factly.

"Yes, you could definitely say that," I agree.

"And?"

"Well…"

"Did it make you hard to think about me? To imagine being naughty on my porch?" she purrs into my ear breathily.

"Yes."

"Did it make you want to…" she pauses dramatically. "Fuck me?"

"God, yes."

"I want you to fuck me on the porch swing. No, I want you to fucking break the porch swing. I won't be satisfied until it plunges onto the floor."

I swallow hard and settle myself with a deep breath. "It's on the bucket list, Bella. It has to happen. We have no choice anymore," I grin.

"So, you were hard, thinking about fucking me."

"I thought it would be a good time to send you a text, telling you how wound up I was over the bucket list."

"Do you want to show me the text? Would that be easier?"

It's then that I remember I probably broke my phone when I threw it on the ground.

"Uh, I think I might have killed my phone."

"You threw it, didn't you?"

"How did you know?"

"Just a guess. It seemed like a very Edward kind of response."

"You really get me, don't you?"

"We really get each other. I think this is what they mean when they talk about soul mates."

"I think so, too."

"All right, let's go find the phone and survey the damage."

I whimper, because I don't want to show her the embarrassing message, and I also don't want to separate my body from hers.

"We can come back and snuggle in bed before we read it," she reassures me. "How's that?"

"Okay," I answer with resignation. I heave my body out of bed without disconnecting our hands, so I pull Bella up behind me.

I hear her giggle. "What?"

"It's just that you were recently scandalized that I would walk around my house starkers, and now you do it automatically. I've fully corrupted you."

"See, what you don't seem to understand is that the reason I do it is only to encourage you not to put on your clothes. It's very selfishly motivated."

"Silverfox, if I had my way all your clothing would be burned. It's almost sinful to cover up a body like yours."

"Hey Pot, I'm Kettle," I say, reaching out to shake her hand. "And you're black."

She giggles lightly and it fills me with such a sense of calm. Who the hell needs Xanax when they can simply listen to Bella laugh? It's far more effective at relaxing the body than anything I know.

I lead her downstairs and into my entryway, looking around for the damn phone. It's got to be around here somewhere. Without warning, Bella bends over from the waist, so I get a perfect view of her bits. Naturally, I can't help but bring myself into perfect alignment with said bits, placing my hands on her hips.

"You didn't get enough of that in the shower?" She asks incredulously.

"As you once said, you created a monster. How can I resist when you're bent over in front of me like this?"

"I found the phone!" she exclaims.

"I'm happy right where I am. Ignore the phone."

"Pfft. Nonsense," she says, returning her body to an upright position. I try very hard not to whine about that. "Come on, you. Back to bed." We run up the stairs and Bella dives into my bed. I move a bit more slowly, but still follow closely behind. We resume our previous snuggling position while she turns on my phone.

She taps her fingers on the screen and I assume that she's getting to the message. I'm not prepared for her giggles.

"Oh, come on! Like I'm not embarrassed enough?" I complain.

"Shh, you'll be fine. This is priceless."

I try to grab the phone from her, but she pulls it out of my reach. I growl in frustration and bury my face into my pillow.

Bella just moves her body on top of mine, so she can whisper into my ear. "Hey, for what it's worth, this is a really tame sexting mishap," she tries to reassure me.

"It was to my daughter," I explain with my face still buried in my pillow. "I told my daughter that I had a hard on, for crying out loud."

"Do you think she doesn't know how the male body functions? She has children, after all."

"How can you not grasp how fatal this is? I'll never be able to look her in the eyes again."

"Well, for the record? I'll never refer to you as Daddy."

"That isn't helpful."

"Okay, this really needs to stop. You can either become paralyzed because you made an honest mistake, or you can pick yourself up and keep walking. Sure, it's embarrassing. I'd certainly be embarrassed if it happened to me. But as with anything embarrassing, you 'fess up, apologize and then it's over. Alice is a very sensible girl. She'll understand."

I turn myself over so Bella is now straddling me. "Bella, I sent a text of a highly sexual nature to my daughter. That's just wrong on so many levels, I can't even begin to deal with it."

She smiles at me. Smiles! "I'm sorry, but that wasn't highly sexual, Silverfox. In fact, I'm sure you could do a lot better than that."

I shake my head. "I'm never texting anything again, as long as I live."

"Don't be such a curmudgeon," she scolds. "Tell me something—the first time you made a mistake in surgery, did you decide that you couldn't be a surgeon and give up?"

"What? No, of course not."

"So you made a mistake on a text and you're just going to give up? That doesn't sound like the Edward I know."

I want to get all defensive with her. I want to yell that she's wrong, that she's minimizing a really traumatic event. If I were with Jessica right now, she'd be lecturing my ear off about how I could manage to be so inappropriate and careless. Obviously, I'd never be sexting Jess, so the whole argument kind of falls flat. But with Bella, it's so different, it's like I'm in a completely different universe where new rules apply. Can it be that she's right? What I've done feels so wrong to me, but when I think about it, it doesn't even approach the peccadillos of, say, John Edwards or Bill Clinton. Worse things have happened to far more important people than me, and they survived. I sigh deeply and smile at Bella.

"That isn't the Silverfox you know; I just decided that you're right."

She looks at me, a bit concerned. "Really? You're okay?" she says, unconvinced.

"Yeah, I am. In the grand scheme of things, that wasn't so bad. One day, I'm sure I'll look back on this and laugh."

"You mean we will look back on this and laugh."

"You really think we'll be together that long?" It seems unreal to me, but the minute I say it, I regret the implication. Her face looks crushed.

"You don't think—?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it to sound like that. I know what I want, I just don't want to assume you want the same thing; I don't want to jinx anything. If I'm honest with myself, and with you, I'll say that I want to be with you for as long as possible. I never imagined I'd find love again, certainly nothing like you. I gave you my house key, for crying out loud—that's like a declaration of undying love and commitment if ever there was one. If I had my way, you'd be here, with me, until we die."

Huge tears well up in her eyes, then overflow onto her cheeks. I kiss them away. "You mean it?" Her voice breaks from emotion.

"Yes, I mean it."

"I've known you for less than a month."

"It's the dead bodies I forgot to hide that's souring the deal, isn't it?" I grin at myself, because I just used Bella's classic ploy—humor to diffuse a sticky situation.

"Yeah, that does worry me," she returns my grin. "I've tried too hard to avoid being your next victim, but it looks like I've failed miserably."

"Hey, I know it seems crazy; we've known each other so briefly. I've never felt like this before. I mean, the sexting thing? If that happened with anyone else, I would be hiding in my basement for months. But you? You made me realize that mistakes happen, we get embarrassed, and then we move on. I'm not the kind of guy who relies upon things like hunches, but there is something about our relationship that is undeniable, so I'm just going to accept that you're it for me."

As I'm talking, tears are pouring freely from her eyes, but she's smiling at the same time, so I'm fairly sure they're happy tears. I wipe them away the moment they drop from her eyes. I pull her in close to give her a kiss. As we separate, I don't let her get too far away before I tell her exactly how I feel.

"I love you, Bella Swan."

Her face crumples up again and she starts crying in earnest. That confuses me, because there is no smile, no laugh. She looks upset, but I just told her that I love her. Is it possible that she doesn't love me? I try to sit up and get some separation, but she firmly pushes me back onto the bed and attacks my mouth with her own.

Hmm. They must have been happy tears that looked unhappy, because her kiss is very enthusiastic—she literally attacks my mouth with gusto. I decide to just roll with it, because I'm not the kind of guy who turns down enthusiastic kisses from a woman like Bella Swan.

When she finally pauses to take a breath, I see the smile that I was hoping to see when I declared my undying love to her.

"When Jake and I split up, I was resigned to loving my children, and being loved by them in return. I thought that would be the best I could ever hope for. I never imagined you, Edward. Someone so earnest and kind. Thoughtful. Diligent. Funny. And oh my god, hot. How could I possibly be this lucky? I love you too, Silverfox. So much that it scares me to admit it. I was worried it was infatuation at first, but I know in my heart that it's more. The fact that you said you loved me first makes me so incredibly happy. I can't believe I get to have you."

"Oh, you get to have me all right. As frequently as possible. We also need to think about adding a team shower to our daily regimen, because that was incredible. And you're forbidden from ever wearing any clothing when you're in my bed."

"That's a condition I can live with, as long as the same goes for you."

~xXx~

As is common for me these days, I'm awakened around 3:00 AM because I need to pee. I'm hugely annoyed, because it means that not only do I have to leave the warmth and comfort of my bed, but also I have to leave Bella's naked body unattended, and that's simply unacceptable. Unfortunately, my bladder isn't in on this plan. I make some grumbling noises and eventually find my way to the bathroom. I stand there, frustrated, while pee escapes from my bladder bit by fucking bit. What I wouldn't give to have a steady stream that poured out of my body like when I was in my 20s. As a surgeon, I literally had to train my bladder to shut down while in the OR, because it isn't like you can tell your patient who's bleeding to death from a gunshot wound to hang on while you run to the bathroom. I sigh, realizing that this irritating squirt-pause-squirt-pause-squirt pattern is my atonement for flouting the kidney gods for all those years I was a surgeon. When I believe I've gotten the last squirt from my bladder, I run back to bed and dive in to my Bella. She's incredibly warm and soft, just the thing I need. She mumbles something about cold but still wraps her arms around me and pulls me in closer. I smile, knowing she's totally under my thumb, and I love it.

About ten minutes later, I'm very comfortable, but still trying to fall asleep. I startle a bit when Bella suddenly speaks.

"You still awake?"

"Yeah. It's the same thing almost every night. Awake at 3:00, can't get back to sleep."

"I almost always end up turning on the TV. Do you mind?"

"As long as your warm naked body is next to mine, you can do whatever you like."

She escapes from the bed and makes her own way to the bathroom where I hear a similar urination pattern to my own, and it makes me smile to myself. She runs back to bed mumbling something like, "Cold, cold, cold," then hops in to cuddle up.

"TV," she says, nudging me.

I engulf her body in mine to warm her up. "Nonsense. Why would I turn on the TV when you need to be warmed up? I may be a lot of things, Bella, but I'm never a man who shirks a responsibility."

"Well, if you feel you must, I suppose I can be persuaded to allow you to warm me up." The action of her hands moving to my ass, giving my cheeks a healthy squeeze, completely belies her words.

"You almost convinced me just now. Almost," I tell her as I start to nibble on her neck.

As I start to get into what I'm doing, Bella sits up, leaving me startled.

"Oh my god! What time is it?"

"Uh…" I pause as I'm trying to see the clock's face. "3:07 AM."

"I've got to show you something! I meant to tell you about it earlier, but you distracted me with shower sex."

"Wait a minute, I distracted you?"

"We already went through that, and you know the answer is a firm yes," she says, distractedly. "Oh, there it is! Yes! Look, Edward," she nudges me and points at the TV screen.

I regretfully turn my body away from Bella's to see a man and a woman standing behind a table full of—sex toys?

"Bella, what?" I shake my head.

"Seriously, this is like Home Shopping Network meets Fredrick's of Hollywood. It's hilarious!" she crows.

"I don't even want to know how you know about this," I warn.

"You were a benefactor of the Eroscillator just as much as I was, buddy."

"You bought it from the television? With your name and everything?"

She turns to look at me, incredulous. "Why is that surprising?"

"Let me get this straight. You bought a vibrator from the television set and had it delivered to your home, and that's it?"

"What are you talking about?"

"That's like buying pornography, you can't do that sort of thing. You can get arrested for that."

She gigglesnorts at my amazement. "No, you can't. Don't be ridiculous. Sex toys have gone mainstream, Silverfox. You can buy vibrators at Target now."

My jaw drops when she says this. "No, I can't believe that."

She nods her head, "It's true. The next time we go shopping, I'll show you. Granted, it's not the Eroscillator, it's more like a fingertip massager, but it still counts."

"You're a 60 year old woman. How do you know all this?"

"I may not have had sex for years, but that hardly means I've been sexually unfulfilled."

"I have to admit, that really turns me on."

"Shopping for vibrators on cable television?"

"Ah, no, the part about you sexually fulfilling yourself."

"Women get off as much as guys do, you know."

"Now that simply isn't true. I know for a fact that's not true."

"Are you a woman?"

I place her hand over my stiffening cock.

"Right, okay, not a woman. Got it," she giggles. "I'm happy to tell you that I happen to be a woman, so I know a little bit more about the subject than you do," she says, placing my hand on her breast to make a point. "And women need sex just as much as men do."

I sit there for a moment, taking all this new information in.

1. There is an actual cable television show that sells sex toys on late night TV. Will wonders never cease?

2. Bella Swan bought a vibrator from said cable television show. What's more, I have first hand experiences with that same vibrator.

3. Bella uses a vibrator to get off frequently, and she has for years. I remember watching her pleasure herself and it was one of the most incredible experiences I've ever had.

4. She assures me that women get horny and they like to have sex.

So what exactly have I been doing all these years, beating off behind the locked door of the bathroom while my wife was asleep in bed?

"You okay in there?" Bella asks, sounding a little nervous.

"I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that women can be horny. I always thought they'd prefer to cuddle than have sex."

"When you're sleeping with a naked Silverfox, it's kind of hard to focus on cuddling. Especially when your junk aligns perfectly with my ass," she giggles again.

"So, as we're lying here, you're thinking about having sex with me?"

"Why is that so hard to believe? Look, I know what I want and I don't see why I would need to hide from that. There's such a ridiculous double standard in our society that's patently unfair. Men are creatures who want non-stop sex, and women are the ones who need to hold them at arm's length. I mean, why can't women want to have sex just as much as men do? It's a complete fallacy that women aren't horny."

"You feel kind of strongly about that, do you?"

She smirks at me. "Yes, I do."

I can't help but kiss her for that. "I know. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with you."

"Silverfox, I'm never going to be the woman who waits for you to make a move. I'm never going to be demure. I don't know how to be anything else aside from what I am. I hope you understand that. What you see here is what you get."

"Well, Ms. Swan, I wouldn't want you any other way. You're so refreshingly original."

"As my perennial favorite Oscar Wilde said, 'Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.'"

"I'm really glad about that, because I don't want you to be anyone except my Bella. Now get your buns over here so I can molest you."

~xXx~

It's been a few days since the Great Sexting Debacle of '12, and while Bella soothed my soul a bit, I still haven't figured out how to apologize to Alice for that. She hasn't called or texted me since, so I've convinced myself she's going to be emotionally scarred for the rest of her natural life. Bella keeps telling me that it isn't a big deal, but I can't believe her. It feels like a really big deal to me.

I've been agonizing over it so much that she coerced me to try out a yoga class today. She says it will be good for my energy. I have no idea what that is supposed to mean, to be honest, but I have no doubt that seeing Bella stretching out in front of me will give me a lot of energy. Energy that I plan to expend on her the minute class is over.

You see, Bella promised to wear a thong to yoga as an incentive for me to make it through the class. I'm not sure how she thinks that will help me in the slightest, because I'm either going to be leering at her ass or trying in vain to hide my erection from the rest of the class. I know if I can see the edges of it peeking out from her yoga pants, it's all over. Bella has been teasing me that there is a naked yoga class for men at the yoga center that I could attend instead, in case I'm too worried about what would happen with her stretching in front of me. She assured me that I probably wouldn't have to worry about an erection in the men's class, but she couldn't swear that there might not be any erections on my behalf. She even laughed as she said that. Laughed! The woman is a true sadist, I swear.

As I pull in to Bella's driveway, I'm incredibly anxious to be with her again, even if it must start with a damn yoga lesson. The first thing I see is her porch swing, and it brings a smile to my face. I'm totally having sex with Bella on that swing tonight. I'll deserve it after suffering through yoga.

I step out of the Volvo and look down at my attire for what must be the 100th time, making sure it's loose enough to hide any incriminating evidence that might pop up. I have biking shorts under my running shorts and a very baggy t-shirt covering it all up. I think it'll be fine, but I'm not going to feel comfortable about this until it's over, and maybe not even then. A promise is a promise, however, and I'm not going to renege on the one I made to Bella. I open the passenger's side of my car to grab the bouquet of flowers I bought for her when the sound of someone clearing their throat loudly breaks through my thoughts.

I look up to see a cop car sitting in her driveway. How did I manage to miss that? A woman gets out and crosses her arms, looking at me with suspicion.

"Dr. Edward Cullen?" Her voice is gruff.

How does she know who I am? I can't imagine what I've done that would require intervention from a police officer. In fact, I've never even gotten a speeding ticket before, so I feel very confused and concerned. Then my heart stops.

Oh my god, I'm going to be arrested in broad daylight for sexting my daughter!

"Yes?"

"What exactly are your intentions with my mother?"

Oh.

It's just Leah.

I'm overjoyed that I'm not being arrested. I'm overjoyed, that is, until it dawns on me—this is totally meet the parents in reverse, and it looks as though Leah would like to grill my balls over a spit.

END NOTE: The erotic toy cable show is an idea from RBH651. Thank you so much for the plot bunny.

About half of you were surprised by Edward's sexting incident, and half of you saw it coming a mile away. I was surprised to learn that many, many people have experienced sexting incidents gone awry, and that made me giggle more than once as I read review replies. Thanks everyone for sharing those with me.