Author: Arwendle PM
Andy's reasons for stopping when the lights came on. COMPLETERated: Fiction T - English - Angst/Romance - A. McNally & S. Swarek - Chapters: 4 - Words: 6,096 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 16 - Follows: 17 - Updated: 08-29-10 - Published: 08-10-10 - Status: Complete - id: 6224272
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N- Sorry this took so long to get out folks. I have been out of town with limited internet access.
Violent sobs shook Andy's body and hot, salty tears cascaded down her cheeks, dripping off of her chin to create dark splotches on her jeans. She had killed somebody. She had killed somebody and she didn't even know his name. A wet drop splashed on her hand and she realised that it was shaking. She clenched her fists to stop them trembling. Her nails bit deeply into the flesh of her palms, the pain momentarily distracting her from the crushing reality of what she had done...of what she had become. Murderer. The word seemed to ricochet through her brain and echo through the empty room. Sitting alone in her dark apartment haunted by the glassy, dead eyes of the man that she had killed, Andy was overwhelmed with guilt, grief, and regret so strong that she felt like her organs were being squeezed outwards by an expanding pit of self-loathing. She had snuffed out that man's life with no more thought than it took to blow out a candle. It didn't matter that the man was a killer, a rapist, and a pedophile or that he had shot a cop. It didn't even matter that he would have killed her, there had to have been another way.
Sam had told her that she had done everything right but he was wrong. If she had been a better cop, if she had been Sam, that man would have been behind bars instead of lying in the morgue. She had made so many mistakes. If only she had convinced Dhara to tell her why she stole the ice cream truck, if only she hadn't been jealous of Sam's pretty girlfriend, if only she had cleared her section of the rec centre faster, if only, if only, if only. She felt like ants had invaded her body and were burrowing tunnels between her skin and her flesh. She couldn't sit still and she couldn't stay there in her suffocating apartment alone any longer. She had to get out. She needed...Sam. She reached for her keys. Her hand froze. She couldn't go to him. It would break every rule that she had made for herself, both personally and professionally. 'Never rely on someone else. Do it alone and you won't get hurt,' Andy reminded herself. Paralysed by indecision, her mind began to churn again. Why hadn't she tried to disarm him? Why hadn't she talked to him calmly instead of cornering him with a gun? Why hadn't she shot to incapacitate instead of to kill? Hot nausea swept through her again. She couldn't bear to feel like this. She had to find a way to make it stop. She knew of only one person who had a chance of distracting her from this... only one person who had a chance of making her feel something stronger than the self-revulsion in her heart. Sam. She grabbed her keys off the table. Sometimes, you couldn't do it alone.
The unlit streets had taken on a carnival-like atmosphere. Andy could not understand how the people around her could still be laughing and smiling and out walking their dogs as if the earth were still tilted at the proper angle. Every shadow and flash of light conjured up images of the rec centre causing her to look around nervously and walk faster towards Sam. Every fibre of her being seemed to be pulling her to him. She was in awe of how he could make her feel so safe and so terrified at the same time. She wanted him and tonight, she wanted him to help her forget.
She knocked on Sam's door, suddenly apprehensive. What if he wasn't home? He hadn't offered her a ride. Maybe he had plans? Worse, what if someone was there with him? What if Monica was there with him? She almost bolted from the steps when she saw the beam of his flashlight dancing unsteadily through the frosted glass. What if he rejects me? The thought turned her blood to ice but it was too late to run, she could hear him unlocking the deadbolt. The door opened and Sam looked out, his eyes softening slightly as he recognised her.
"Hey." She said, her breathing rapid with the fear that she would lose her nerve at any second.
"You alone?" Sam seemed slightly confused by her question and glanced back into his house as if to make sure.
"Yeah." Andy relaxed slightly with his answer but her body was filled with misplaced energy that would not allow her to be still. When Andy didn't continue, he asked, "do you want to talk?" Heart racing, Andy shook her head and stepped across the threshold.
"No." She said, her hands splaying across Sam's abdomen. Despite being much stronger than her, he allowed her push him forcefully against the wall without protest. His eyes widened and then quickly darkened as she moved close and crashed her lips into his. He gave a quiet grunt of surprise and kissed her back. The feeling of soft lips and evening stubble against her mouth sent shivers to the base of Andy's spine. She pressed her body into his, feeling his hard, warm contours through their clothing. His masculine scent surrounded her causing her belly to tighten with sudden heat. Still pinning him against the wall, she wrapped her arm around his neck as he ran his hand along the hollow of her back and pulled him closer. Suddenly, the only thing that mattered was the way his body slid against hers. Sam kissed her greedily, like a man convinced that he was going to wake up any second.
As Sam filled his hands with her hair and began to manoeuvre them deeper into his apartment, thoughts of death and guilt slipped from her mind and were discarded in the hallway along with her shoes. Revelling in the sudden clarity of her mind, Andy shoved him against the wall again, letting her teeth graze his bottom lip. Sam gasped, his palm creeping upwards under her shirt, leaving a trail of goose bumps from her hip to her ribcage. By the time they reached his bedroom, she was so consumed with Sam and the sensations that he was producing in her that she had completely forgotten why she had come. She let out a moan as her tongue teased his. The way he was touching her was spectacular. It was like he had electrical charges on the tip of each finger. Needing to feel his skin against hers, her hands found the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head their lips only parting for a moment. His strong arms wrapped around her pulling her against him with delicious friction that made her knees go weak. He released her only long enough to tug off her top before picking her up effortlessly. She wrapped her legs around his waist, their stomachs brushing as his hands pressed into her back. Even though the room was sweltering his skin felt hot against hers. She could feel the hard cords of muscle under his smooth flesh thrumming with want for her. Andy had never been more aroused as he laid her back on the bed and worshipped her lips and neck with kisses that she could feel in her toes. The smell of him seemed to rise from the bedding and seep into her pores marking her with his scent, making her his. She could feel his rough hands skimming along her body possessively, their hips seeking each other's friction through their jeans. He stared down at her as he kissed her, taking moments to pull back and study her face like he wasn't sure if her being there was a fantasy or a reality. She never wanted this to end. She wanted to be here with Sam forever.
The lights flickered on and she looked up into his eyes which were so dark with passion and need that they seemed to pierce something deep within her. He dipped his head again and she expected to feel his lips against hers in another kiss. Instead, she felt his nose rub hers in a movement that was so tender and intimate that her heart exploded in her chest. It was that instant that she realised with horror how deeply she was in love with Sam. How much she never wanted to let him go. How she could see herself with him for always.
"The power's back on." He said huskily looking away, annoyed at the sudden light and noise. She needed him to look at her again.
"I guess that means that everything is back to normal." She said running her hand up his abdomen through his chest hair. She could feel his heart skip a beat under her fingertips, feel him twitch against her. He looked at her and her traitorous heart skipped its own beat.
"I'd better turn a few things off." She could feel his breath on her lips. All she had to do was raise her head to pull him back into a kiss. She wanted him to tell him that she didn't care about the lights or the tv, that he should just keep kissing her and making her feel things she hadn't ever let anybody make her feel. Instead, his eyes never leaving her, he stood up and quickly switched off the light bringing the room back to candle light.
With his weight gone from her body, she suddenly felt empty, longing for him. The intensity of the feeling terrified her.
As he disappeared from the room, she began to panic. Is this what it would feel like when he left her, just a hundred times worse? She closed her eyes and the reasons why she had come came flooding back. Oh God! The noise of the tv shut off in the other room and she could feel the vibration of her phone in her back pocket. She pulled it out. Luke. The thought of him didn't send a thrill through her. It felt more like somebody had dumped a bucket of icy water over her head, snapping her back to reality. What was she doing here? She had broken so many rules and promises by coming. 'Stupid girl' she scolded herself mentally. 'Never ever fall in love with someone who can break your heart and never love anyone or anything you can't bear to lose'. She was not going to sleep with her training officer, she was not going to cheat on Luke, and she was most definitely not going to fall in love with Sam Swarek. Her body still humming with his touch, she hastily pulled on her shirt. Sam appeared in the doorway. The look on his face made her realise that maybe her heart was not the only one in danger of being broken here.
"Yeah, I guess everything goes back to normal." He said leaning against the wall. She averted her eyes guiltily. She couldn't look at him. She knew that if he touched her or spoke to her that she would lose her resolve. She didn't see the struggle that played across his face or the words that were on the tip of his tongue but never came. She did hear him turn and leave the room. Her eyes flew up to the empty doorway, an icy knife stabbing her heart. Yes, this is what it felt like for Sam to walk away from her. She didn't think that she could stand it. She wouldn't stand it. She was going to keep her promise to herself and run back into Luke's safe arms. Even as she ran she knew it was a useless flight, Sam Swarek was already lodged tightly into the deepest recesses of her heart.