|Miscellaneous Adventures of the Absolutely Absurd
Author: kremesch PM
Seven Years have passed and things have changed. People have changed; life has changed. The Turks and the members of Avalanche aren't who or what they used to be anymore. Instead... Continued in Summary Intro on the first page.Rated: Fiction M - English - Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 19,753 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 3 - Updated: 08-26-10 - Published: 08-10-10 - id: 6225552
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Seven Years have passed and things have changed. People have changed; life has changed. The Turks and the members of Avalanche aren't who or what they used to be anymore. Instead, they're bored and their lives are dull. As a result, their minds wander in directions that are random and unthinkable while they concern themselves with irrelevant things that have absolutely no bearing on their lives or their surroundings whatsoever.
As a result, their negligence and lack of readiness leave them open to all sorts of ridiculous events that will unfold as these incidents bear absolutely no meaning on their lives and carry no lessons to be learned.
And to those who are wondering… No. This isn't a back story. It's actually really stupid and has nothing to do with anything.
Warnings: Possible same sex warnings (anything goes); possibly nothing more than innuendos and situations that hint at such warnings. Dry humour. Potty humour. Random events. Alien invasion. Unbelievable stupidity. Lack of political correctness. Insulting to one's own intelligence. And quite possibly, a clown massacre
If you're the type that is easily offended, easily confused, homophobic, squeamish, likes clowns, or is prone to bed-wetting, don't read this – It's unoriginal and full of intentional clichés that won't impress you anyway (or anyone else for that matter).
Usual disclaimer: I'm a fraud. Ideas are stolen from FFVII, Dirge of Cerberus, and Crisis Core. Characters and Worlds, items, and the microcosm all belong to Square.
Genre(s): Bad Humour. General
It Starts in a Mansion
They stood in a semi-circle at the bottom of the elegantly crafted stairs. From left to right, Rude stood beside Reno, Reno stood beside Rufus, Rufus Stood beside Elena, and Elena stood beside Tseng who happened to be standing beside no one, and at that moment, Tseng looked to his right as if he thought he might have been standing beside someone.
No one really knew what he was thinking though, and he quirked his brow to confuse matters more.
All the while, Reno wondered why they were just standing there, and Rude, strangely, looked at his watch and wondered the same thing before they both looked at each other and wondered what the other was thinking. Rufus was preoccupied with other thoughts though. He couldn't get the taste of those nasty lime-seared prawns that Tseng told him to eat over a week ago out of his mind. They were sickly creamy and it was beginning to haunt his dreams.
"Uh…" Elena finally said, and at that, Rude and Reno turned their attention to her.
Tseng and Rufus did not though. Instead, Tseng chose to look to his right and quirk his brow again, and Rufus admired the stained glass window at the top of the stairs. It was a nice stained glass window, and Rufus wanted to put every detail to memory so that he could have it re-created in his office. He didn't care that it was biblical and entirely out of place for his tastes. He only cared about the pretty colours and the way it shined when the rain drops picked up the glow of the lightning and made it sparkle. It was sheer beauty.
And he was overtaken with awe.
"Shouldn't we try to find a way out?" Elena asked. They'd already gotten what the came for. Then she, Reno, and Rude turned to the door while Tseng brushed something from his right shoulder and shuddered, and Rufus remembered that he really had to pee. He'd been holding it for so long, and he bitterly recalled Tseng telling him that he'd pull over at the next gas station.
He never did though. No. Tseng thought it would be funny to drive by one after another while offering Rufus more water to drink so that he could wash down those insanely salty chips Tseng told him to eat. "It will hold you over until we find a place to eat," Tseng told him, and every time, Rufus fell for it while wondering what it was that amused the Turk so much.
In the mean time, both Elena and Rude turned their attention to Reno and frowned at him. Reno thought it was really funny when he discovered that the door locked on the opposite side. "Heh… check it out…" he said. "Some idiot put the lock on the wrong side'a the door," he said. "What're they tryin to do?" he said, "Lock themselves in?" Then he laughed, locked the door, and let it close while they were all standing inside.
Yeah. They all thought it was real funny. But none of them were too sure about who the real idiot was.
And if they pointed the finger, Reno would have merely argued the whole 'chicken and the egg' theory again, and they were tired of that.
"Perhaps we should split up," Rufus craftily thought. That way, he'd be able to search for and sneak into one of the bathrooms to relieve himself before he exploded, and Tseng merely argued that it would be too dangerous because they didn't know where they were.
Rufus could have sworn that they were all under the same impression. They were in a very large mansion. In fact, it was Tseng that suggested they stop there so that he could satisfy his curiosity on how the old mansion was holding up, and so that he could check the mail and collect coupons while he was at it. It was supposed to be a day trip – there and back. Yet, Tseng suspiciously seemed confused over the matter. "How can you not know where we are?"
"We should go in pairs," Tseng suggested, craftily ignoring Rufus' question while Rufus continued to suspiciously regard him and wondered why Tseng would want to pair off when there was obviously an odd number of them. Exactly who would Tseng suggest to leave behind?
"What is wrong with you?" Rufus bluntly asked. Tseng had been acting strange lately, and Tseng merely quirked his brow as a flash of lightening illuminated his face in the most unnatural of ways, and Rufus wondered, How does he do it?
Of course, nothing was wrong with Tseng, and Tseng chose to ignore Rufus once more. The silly little peon had nothing over him and he knew it. He only chose to make it look like Rufus was the one who was in charge because it suited him and allowed him to pass the blame. Oh yes, Tseng knew differently, and he suggested that Reno and Elena take the West side of the mansion while Rude and Rufus take the East Side. Then he decided to go along with Rude and Rufus so that he could keep a better eye on Rufus, and Rufus silently cursed.
It wasn't fair. If Tseng kept his eye on him, he just wouldn't feel right, because he didn't only have to pee, and his bowels were raging and suffered from stage-fright. No. Rufus needed his privacy, and more than that, he needed a damned bathroom, and he needed one now.
There was no way he could get out of it though, and they all walked East-ward while Reno and Elena went West, and Rufus fought hard to avoid doing the pee-dance while his bowels started to cramp. He knew he shouldn't have eaten those burritos before they left – they were too spicy for his delicate system. But they smelled so damned good and Reno kept shoving them into his face while Tseng advised that eating them could do no harm.
Just then, it was as if a miracle had happened, and a blood-curdling scream – a woman's scream – filled the inner bowels of the mansion, and Tseng's first thought was A Soprano, before he started to run into the West-ward direction to find out what happened. In the meantime, he ordered Rude to stay behind so that Rufus wouldn't be left alone.
But when Rude turned around, Rufus was no longer there.
"Elena!" Tseng called out. He was certain it was her, and when he valiantly ran into the large empty room, he regarded her standing in the middle of the room. She was by herself and aiming her gun at the opposite wall. "What happened?" he asked. "Why did you scream?"
"It wasn't me," she said, and then Tseng quirked his brow.
Who else could it be? He thought, and then he thought of how much she looked like a little porcelain doll. So fake, he thought, and then he wondered what would happen if her head cracked; would it shatter like porcelain if it hit the floor just right? Other than that though, where was Reno?
Wasn't Reno with her?
"He was crawling inside that thing and then he disappeared," she said.
And Tseng calmly looked in the direction that she was aiming at and wondered what 'thing' she was talking about. It was just a wall – a blank, boring old wall that was slightly rotten. Of course, it was nothing that a good paint job or a burning couldn't fix. But exactly what 'thing' was Elena talking about? Was she taking medication? Did she forget to take it? If so, shouldn't he have been notified that she required it in the first place?
"Wait a minute," he said, "I heard a woman scream."
"That was Reno," Elena said, and Tseng quirked his brow.
Reno screams like a girl?
"Yeah," Elena said, and Tseng suddenly became self-conscious of the fact that she might have been reading his mind while she nodded at the wall. "There was a fireplace there, and Reno thought it would be funny if he crawled into it – I don't really know why, and I didn't find it funny – but as soon as he got himself all curled up into it – I really don't know how he did it, Sir – it was like he tripped a switch or something and the wall turned around as if he was never there. Then he screamed like a girl."
"A girl," Tseng repeated, and decided to think about how Rude's head reminded him of a hard-boiled egg in order to stop him from laughing at the notion.
"Yes, Sir. He sounded exactly like a girl… I'm worried, Sir."
"I see," Tseng responded, "You're worried that he might have been a girl all along and that he'll steal all the attention away from you if this ever gets out."
"What!" Elena asked with a great deal of shock. How could Tseng conclude such a thing? The thought of Reno ever stealing any of the attention away from her was absurd.
"It's all right. I understand. Women don't like competition; I have seven sisters."
"Yes," Tseng admitted, and then he shuddered at the thought of how they used to dress him up and do his makeup and hair, and then force him to have tea with them.
"That's not what I meant," Elena insisted, "I mean that I'm worried about him."
"Yes. He is odd, isn't he?" Tseng coolly asked. All he really wanted was verification though; not really much else. Then he found his eyes wandering down her backside and fixating on a small piece of chewing gum that was stuck to her behind.
Taking it upon himself to physically remove it was risky at best. She might take it the wrong way and slap him for grabbing her ass. But then again, telling her about it might have drawn suspicion as to why he was looking there in the first place.
So he decided to do nothing and thought it would be best if they took a closer look at the wall.
In the meantime, Rufus found himself a nice little bathroom that even had a roll of unused toilet paper, and then he wondered how long toilet paper was meant to last before he stripped down to nothing and sat on the toilet.
"Sir?" Rude called out, as he tip-toed as quietly as he possibly could back into the foyer before he heard a strange mechanical sound from the room adjacent to the West side of the building. He thought he heard talking – a woman and a man – but when he opened the door, there was no one there except for an empty room with a fireplace that looked like someone or something had crawled into or out of it. Either way, he didn't find it very interesting and he felt a chill run down his spine when he considered the possibility that he might have been experiencing the first symptoms of dementia.
So he left and decided that his best course of action would be to find out what happened to Rufus. If Tseng found out that he lost the Boss, he'd have to pay with his hide, and Rude was rather attached to his hide.
"Now look at what you did," Tseng grumbled as Elena looked around at the darkened room and shined her flashlight through the dusty cobwebs, "You've gotten us both trapped."
"I think this is where Reno might be, Sir."
If that was the case, Tseng wondered exactly where he was then. If he was there, why couldn't they see him or hear him? "Well he doesn't appear to be here anymore," Tseng said, and then he pushed Elena out of the way and shined his own flashlight to prove that his was far more superior.
Then he stopped when the spiral stairs at the far west corner was illuminated before he moved his flashlight to the object lying near the bottom.
"Dear Gods," he breathed out.
"What is it, Sir?"
"What?" She asked, and attempted to stand on her toes so she could look over his shoulder before Tseng irritably sighed and moved so that he was blocking her even more than he already was, "Let me see."
"It's too horrendous."
"Oh, Gods…" Elena Thought, as the worst thoughts ran through her empty head, "Is it Reno? Is he dead?"
"It's worse than that," Tseng hoarsely breathed out, sheer horror dripping from his tone when he finally found a voice to answer, "It's one of the worst paintings I've ever seen."
"Really? Let me see it!"
"I can't do that," Tseng said as he turned around and shined his flashlight onto her perky breasts, "I'm afraid that it's too atrocious, even for your poor taste." Then he turned off his flashlight and took Elena's from her as well. Some things were simply better left undiscovered, and he shuddered once more at the thought while telling her that, "I took the liberty of memorizing the way to those stairs and we'll just have to go this one blind."
After that, he grabbed the broomstick beside her and told her he'd guide the way. He also suggested that she should work out more. "Honestly Elena, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that your arms are like broomsticks… Watch your step."
He also wanted to compliment her on how light she was on her feet. But he just wasn't ready to share the nature of his true feelings with her yet.
The time had to be right, he thought.
Rufus knew he shouldn't have eaten those burritos. His stomach was so cramped that he could have sworn those spawns of pure evil were trying to burrow their way out through his abdomen and he couldn't help but start moaning and groaning while he grimaced over the pain.
It was quite possibly one of the worst feelings he'd felt while the ring of fire viciously seared his sphincter and threatened to leave him with a bad case of haemorrhoids. He knew that he should have stopped taking Tseng's advice. Over the years, Tseng seemed to be growing more malicious towards him, and Rufus was beginning to think that it had something to do with the fact that Tseng might have discovered what he'd been doing to him all those years.
On the other hand, Rufus was unable to ask on the off chance of finding out that Tseng was completely unaware of what he'd been doing.
He knew he'd have to come clean eventually though. But the timing had to be just right.
"Sir?" Rude called again.
He was beginning to feel like he'd been going around in circles and started to second-guess his strategy. He thought he was going in the right direction. But time and time again, he kept winding up in the foyer as if he was going in circles, and to make matters worse, an eerie moaning and groaning started echoing through the great hall.
He had a bad feeling about the place. First, he recalled hearing voices in the west wing, and now he was hearing other sounds that struck him as painful and agonizing, and he was beginning to wonder if the place was haunted.
But no, he thought. Rude liked to think of himself as a logical man and he simply didn't believe in such things – Monsters, yes. But Ghosts…
For a moment more, he stood there and decided that he'd simply have to drown the tormented sound out. Perhaps, maybe… If he went left instead of right next time…
But before he got the chance to act on his thoughts, something hit him on the head and temporarily knocked him out.
Fifteen seconds earlier…
When Tseng made it to the top of the stairs and turned his flashlight back on to valiantly smile at Elena, he realised that he'd made a mistake.
"Oh," he stammered, as he stared at the broomstick in his hand and suddenly understood why Elena had grown so quiet. He was slightly relieved though. For a while, he was beginning to think that the tiny little blonde was anorexic and wasn't exactly sure how he'd confront her with his suspicions. Then he smirked when he thought of how Elena shared the same level of wit with the object in his hands before he quickly walked out into the Foyer's upper hall and tossed it over the railing.
Best to pretend that never happened, he thought while he completely ignored the dull thud as the broom landed on the lower floor and the light on his flashlight started to fluctuate.
Damn… Of all the times, he thought, and then he started to bang the flashlight against his other hand while cursing at himself for not bringing a spare set of batteries before he finally gave up and turned on Elena's puny little flashlight instead – right before she called out to him.
"Sir?" she called, and half ran and walked from the top of the stairs with a slight disorientation, "By the Gods, I thought I'd lost you."
"Likewise," Tseng coolly uttered, with a slight tone of accusation in order to cover up for his own fumbling. "I thought I trained you better than that. You should have been with me the entire time."
Then he quickly closed his eyes and silently thanked the Gods that he got rid of that accursed broom. Without it, there was absolutely no evidence.
His thoughts were cut short though, the moment a strange moaning and groaning echoed through the halls. He thought he heard something similar earlier, but he chose to ignore it when he realised he was escorting a broom into the main upper hall. After that, Tseng twisted his face in distaste and turned back to Elena to ask her, "Do you smell that?"
"Oh, Sir," she said, and tried her best not to comment on the foul gas she assumed Tseng must have passed as it wafted through the upper halls with the power to cling to anything it touched, and she tried to hold her breath while fearing the initial breath she'd have to draw in order to do so. It was absolutely putrid and she wondered what he could have possibly eaten to expel such a horror.
Tseng's great powers of observation saw where her thoughts were going though, and he quickly quirked his brow while reminding himself that he had absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and outright told her, "It wasn't me."
"Of course not, Sir," Elena choked out, and took a step back before they both heard something fall over in the room they were standing near. Tseng wasn't convinced that she believed him though, and they both looked at the door.
"What could that have been?"
"The sound of something falling over", Tseng said, and then he wondered why she always had to ask such stupid questions before she decided to investigate, and Tseng turned his attention back to his failing flashlight and frowned.
It was useless now, completely dead, and he tossed it over the railing and wondered what could have possibly been down there to make everything sound so strange when it hit the ground with the same dull-sounding thud that the broomstick landed with.
Twenty seconds before Tseng gave up on his flashlight, Rude came to, he stumbled to his feet and rubbed at his head while wondering if something had hit him. Then he looked down and saw a broomstick before he wondered where it could have come from. It wasn't there before, and he quizzically picked it up to study it.
The handle was larger than that of a normal broomstick, and when Rude closed his eyes he could imagine that he was holding a bare humerus – the upper bone of an arm – and he shuddered at the morbid thoughts he was entertaining.
Then he quickly opened his eyes when he thought he heard a man and a woman talking again. It was the same high-pitched squeaky voice that Elena spoke with and it reminded Rude of someone raking their nails across a chalk board. He hated that sound, and it sent chills down his spine. The other voice was more dry and metallic, and the person speaking with it reminded Rude of someone who had absolutely no sense of humour. In fact, it reminded him of Tseng.
Maybe it was them, and he was just about to call out their names before he remembered that he didn't have Rufus with him, and he realised that Tseng wouldn't be too happy about that. He told him to keep an eye on him, and instead, he had absolutely no idea where the man was. After that, the strange moaning he heard earlier came and went again, followed by a strange, flatulent sound and what sounded like someone pouring sloppy goods into a pot of water, and a foul stench wafted through the lower halls.
Good Gods, Rude thought. What kind of unholy creature could possibly emit such a stench? And then something hit him on the head and he fell back to the floor.
Hm, Tseng thought, before he finally decided that he couldn't take it anymore. Elena was such a tease and he finally had a chance to be alone with her. Rufus and Rude were exploring the East side of the mansion, Reno was missing in action as usual, and he finally had the chance to be alone with her so he could tell her how he felt about her. He figured it would be easier if he put a bag over her head, but he didn't have one.
So, instead, he turned off the flashlight right before he heard the sound of a door opening and closing and something brush by his right shoulder as it stumbled past him. Tseng felt that if he was lucky that it was only Reno, and he chose to ignore it as he walked to the door by memory, opened it, and then grabbed Elena by the arm and planted his lips onto hers.
They were so soft, welcoming, and fervent as they started to pull each others shirts out of their pants so they could run their hands along the bare backs of the other's that he suddenly didn't care that kissing her like that wasn't exactly part of his plan.
"Oh Gods!" Elena finally exclaimed when she took advantage of the dim light and beheld what was before her.
When she ran into the room to check out the noise, she realised that she couldn't see a damned thing. Tseng had her flashlight and running blindly into a darkened room wasn't exactly one of the brightest ideas she'd ever had.
Then she heard the sound of something falling from where she and Tseng were standing before it landed with a dull thud. The first thought that ran through her head was that Tseng had finally snapped and decided that he'd kill himself by jumping over the railing. He'd been acting strangely lately, almost like he was pent up with something. But she had no idea what it could possibly be, and she finally exclaimed, "Rude!"
The big man was lying at the foot of the stairs and appeared unconscious, and the thought that she managed to lose Tseng in the darkness when she went back out to find him completely slipped her mind as she ran to the big man's side. It appeared that someone had knocked him out.
In the meantime, Tseng fervently muttered out, "Oh, Elena," when he finally pulled away for air, "You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this moment."
The voice that responded was not what Tseng was expecting, and he numbly turned Elena's flashlight back on and froze. The person standing in front of him was not Elena, and the other person dumbly responded that, "Shit… You're not Elena…"
"I know that," Tseng dully replied, and despite how Reno's brilliant powers of observation irked him at times, he almost smirked as the thought of Reno screaming like a girl crossed his mind again. Other than that, he was at a complete loss for words. He couldn't even muster enough nerve to wonder how in the hell he allowed something like that to happen – perhaps going without sex for ten years was finally starting to take its toll.
On the bright side, he'd finally found Reno – Reno also appeared unharmed, much to Tseng's dismay – and he also came to the conclusion that Reno might have been harbouring the same desires for Elena that he'd been harbouring. However, he wasn't too happy about how he finally came to that conclusion.
He also wasn't too happy about having competition either. For the sake of the Gods, Elena wasn't even that attractive, as far as Tseng was concerned. The only thing she really had going for her was that she was the only accessible woman within close proximity, and Tseng felt that he could easily dominate her because she was stupid.
How pathetic and embarrassing, he thought, before he was finally relieved by the sound of Elena's voice calling out for help – Thank the Gods. She actually comes in handy for something – and was able to break the awkwardness of the situation Tseng suddenly found himself in.
But before he responded, he had to get something off his chest, and he blankly told Reno that, "This never happened," as he stood there with a complete lack of emotion and stared at the man like he was staring into a parallel universe that held absolutely no appeal whatsoever to him.
And Reno thankfully responded like the dumb-ass Tseng always suspected that he was and said, "What never happened?"
As Tseng and Reno ran down the stairs to find Elena hunched over Rude while they both hurriedly tucked their shirts back in, Rufus finally decided that he could expel no more and reached for the toilet paper while thinking it would be a good idea to use the hand lotion sitting on the counter when he was done. His hands were always so dry after he washed them, and it was a dirty job he was about to embark on, but someone had to do it.
At that moment, Tseng suddenly noticed that Rufus was nowhere to be seen.
Dear Gods, Tseng thought, Elena killed Rude!
Then he wondered if it was because Rude tried to come on to her and he was slightly relieved that he'd kissed Reno instead. It may have been embarrassing, but it was better than being dead, and he asked, "Where's Rufus?" in order to cover up the fact that he was concerned about something completely irrelevant.
He was certain that Rufus wouldn't have tried to kill Rude. That would have been too stupid, even for Rufus. After all, Rude was the perfect size to hide behind if someone aimed their gun at you. He was far more valuable to waste in a situation such as that than to mindlessly murder when there was obviously no threat in sight.
It simply made no sense to Tseng, and he stepped closer as Elena reached over and picked up the ridiculously large flashlight lying on the floor beside Rude and wondered, "I wonder what happened?"
"It would appear that Rude was hit with a flashlight in the foyer," Tseng coolly responded, and then he inconspicuously kicked that accursed broom away while he clasped his hands behind his back. One incident was bad enough, and he was slightly thankful that she hadn't turned the flashlight around to see Tseng's initials written on it as he grabbed it from her and said that, "I'll take that. It may prove to be valuable evidence."
And he certainly didn't want any valuable evidence lying around that could point the finger in his direction. So he tossed it away when Rude groaned and everyone focussed on the big man as he came to and tried to stumble to his feet again.
Elena offered to help him and Tseng quickly covered his mouth to hide the laugh that almost escaped. The mere thought of Elena helping Rude to his feet was preposterous. If he fell over, he'd crush her like a milk carton. Not to mention that the woman couldn't even carry a bag of groceries, never mind lift a man that was overly sized from the obvious use of too many steroids.
However, Tseng's amusement was curbed the moment Elena asked Rude what happened and he mentioned that something hit him – twice. Then he hazily looked around as if he was looking for the evidence before he spotted his sunglasses and put them back on. At that moment, they all heard the familiar sound of a toilet flushing and then Rufus screaming as if he was trapped.
It brought back memories, and Tseng almost laughed again as he reminisced over how he used to stand outside the bathroom door and hold it shut while Rufus tried to get out when he was just a child.
By the time they found the door that Rufus was behind, they discovered it was locked, and Tseng shouted at Rufus to unlock the door as a filthy brown liquid ran from under the small gap at the bottom. It was foul-smelling and chunky, and they all stepped back as if they were horrified while Rufus explained that he couldn't open the door because his hands were too slippery.
Slippery? Tseng thought, and then he thought the unthinkable while he silently asked himself, Why in the names of the Gods would he choose to do something like that now?
Then Rufus explained that he put too much hand lotion on. He hadn't thought far enough ahead to open the door first. Then he flushed the toilet and he could swear that the Gods were against him. Of course, it could have had something to do with the building being old and the plumbing being shoddy, in which case, Rufus felt a good burning might fix the problem. He also decided that now would be a good time to stop taking Tseng's advice before he trailed off into the whole 'cause and effect' theory in regards to alternate realities and how mako fusion could make it all possible…
Rufus liked to talk.
Tseng suspected that he liked to talk simply because he liked the sound of his own voice. It was like a boring melody that played over and over until it started to haunt Tseng's dreams, and Tseng rolled his eyes into the back of his head so he could feel something other than the pain of Rufus' voice floating aimlessly through his skull.
He never bothered to tell Rufus. But after awhile, that man's words just turned into illegible sentences while Tseng's mind would wander towards things that had absolutely nothing to do with what Rufus was talking about, and they all took another step back as the foul liquid crept farther out from under the door.
Then Tseng took a moment to turn to Elena and quirk his brow as if to say, 'I told you it wasn't me.'
There was no way Tseng could pass gas that foul. The mere thought would have been laughable if Tseng had so much of an inkling to find something like that funny. Then he told Rufus to step away from the door and pulled out his gun so he could valiantly save the day.
Tseng liked to save the day. It made everyone else around him appear less competent and helped him to maintain his falsely attained level of prestige.
When the door was finally opened, Tseng stood there horrified as the other Turks took another step back, and Rufus put on his icy glare to pretend that he had nothing to be ashamed of. He made no attempt to hide the fact that he was in a hurry to leave though, and Tseng exclaimed in shock as he stared at the overflowing toilet, "Who's garter belt is that?"
Gods, Rufus thought. He really hated Tseng sometimes and silently willed him to drop dead.
He got dressed in such a hurry so that he could get back to the others in hopes that no one would have noticed he'd gone missing in the first place and must have overlooked it. He wore so many damned clothes.
Then Tseng hypnotically stepped into the bathroom while ignoring the brown liquid on the floor – it was nothing in comparison to other things he'd stepped in – and they all stood there in horror while they watched him in awe as he slowly picked the slightly soaked garter belt up with the tip of his gun and looked at it like it was the most curious thing he'd ever beheld.
It was a shocking red with pretty frills and lace, and he nearly touched it with his bare hand before he remembered where he'd found it.
Could this be Elena's? He thought, before he concluded, No… It's too big… And he didn't recall her going to the bathroom. Then he turned his attention to Rufus who was staring back at him with a look that said, 'I'll kill you,' and Tseng mockingly smirked.
The mere thought of Rufus killing anyone was laughable.
Sure. Rufus knew how to scare people. And he carried a big gun. But Tseng knew for sure that Rufus was a terrible shot. He had a nice gun. Yes. He had a very nice gun. But how many times did he shoot at Cloud and miss? Tseng wondered. With a gun like that, he should have had no problem killing Cloud, and then he wondered how many times did Rufus shoot at that peon – Kadaj – of a remnant and miss? Sure, he was falling from a building at the time, but he should have at least nicked the kid once with the number of bullets he sprayed into the building.
And then Tseng suddenly wondered, Did Rufus even hit the building?
Yes. The mere thought of Rufus killing anyone was utterly laughable, and Tseng had to quickly think of something less amusing in order to keep himself from bursting out laughing.
Unfortunately, thinking of Reno in a garter belt suddenly struck Tseng as a little more amusing than he thought it would, and he quickly dropped the garter belt into the toilet before coldly stating that, "We should leave."