Shell Shock

byline: Anubis Soundwave

Prologue: On His Majesty's Koopa Service.

Red, as usual, yapped about how we were the coolest and the baddest Koopa Troopas in the army. Roy wasn't impressed-but he never is. Yellow and Green just stared at the spectacle: all eight royal Highnesses in the same room.

I don't think my older brother even realized how serious the Highnesses' mood was until Roy finally cut him off (a notable feat, indeed) by stomping the floor.

"The reason I want you to gather the allies on my list," said Roy, glaring at my prone and trembling brother (not very cool, Bro!), "is because the four of you don't have the tools to do what we need you to do."

Red stopped shaking, then jumped to his feet, fist curled in fury. Prince Roy attacked the most fragile aspect of Red: his ego. Sad attempt at retort in three, two...

"Then why ask us at all!" spat Red. "Maybe you should try your usual tactic-trick that other set of brothers to do your dirty work for you."

Roy just smiled. "You're making yourself look worse, wienus."

Red realized his mistake. "Fine, Your Highness," he blurted.

Prince Roy was always the meanest of His Majesty's elder seven; not for nothing was his cartoon depiction called "Bully Koopa".

Still, I needed to cut my big brother's reaming short. "Your Highness," I asked, "what mission are you sending us on?"

"We'll tell you that when you've secured the rest of your team." Roy turned to Red. "Go, Koopa Brothers. Do not fail."

The four of us grouped up and bowed. "Yes, Your Highness." We left the castle without our usual theatrics-Red's ego has suffered enough for one day.

Day: O/X

Month: Flower

Overcast.

Yo, Journal:

Runt hasn't said a word during our meeting with the Koopa Brothers. In fact, he hasn't said anything since he told me about the attack.

Larry and Wendy are holding up, considering...everything. Ludy...ah, he's approaching normal (for him), though he ordered some Hammer Brothers to drag in his dang pipe organ so he could play.

"Nightmares. From Grandpapa." Last thing Runt said, two days ago.

It couldn't be the Koopa Royal from Ma's side of the family-Wendy already took Ma out of the picture, with help from the...green plumber. Ma's Pop is done for: game ended and sent to the Underwhere.

That leaves...some unfinished business of our Pop's.

Okay, Journal: not that you're alive or anything, but I've gotta elaborate.

It started about three days prior.

Pop was in rare form. We had a meet and greet between the Koopa Troop (our forces) and our newly-acquired Troops from the other seven kingdoms we...acquired. The new soldiers, Magikoopas, and Lakitu were in awe; Red-lead idiot of our favorite ninja team of morons-was selling the virtues of a (nearly) united Koopa Empire.

It's kind of weird that Morton the Motormouth and I are married and our dad ain't-although this wouldn't be the case if Princess Pink-and-Prissy would just accept the whole Chaos Heart marriage thing.

So what if she was hypnotized by a third-party? She and Pop were both victims of circumstance, and Pop wants to make the best of it. The Empire's seen worse marriages than that.

Pop was the lone surviving result of a marriage worse than that. Why is Pop such a selfish, ruthless monster? Because he's the son of a selfish, ruthless, and cold-hearted monster-what do people expect?

With the Mushroom people: rainbows and lollipops, I guess.

Anyway: Runt was staring at an old painting Pop made when he was Runt's age. Just as Runt took out his Paintbrush (he carries that thing everywhere-it's like Lemmy and his ball!), Pop rushed over to him, agitated.

"What are you doing, son?" Pop asked with menacing fake cheerfulness.

"I-I was gonna touch up your painting, Papa," said Runt.

"Don't. Touch. The painting." Pop glared at Runt (rare, because usually Runt gets away with much worse-owing to being Pop's favorite). Runt nodded and backed away.

The grand tour continued without incident. We ate dinner after it was all over, then went to bed.

That's when the nightmares started. First was Ludy, but he wrote it off; thought it was from a late-night snack and bad movie binge. (He was watching the Super Mario Brothers movie for an internet review; that abortion of a film would give Kratos nightmares.) Then Ludy and Wendy: both had nightmares. Then Ludy, Wendy, and Larry. Larry Koopa: who never has nightmares-because he's a dream wizard. Larry merged his nightmare with Ludy's and Wendy's; together, they beat the bad dream.

I thought the whole thing had died down, until that day...

Just as I was drifting off to sleep, Runt (half-asleep) drop-kicked my door down, then jumped in bed with me. The wife shrugged and went downstairs to watch security footage. (Like me, she's a beast at malevolent castle design. We're a match made in hell.)

I would've pushed Runt outta my bed, but there he was-Bowser Junior, heir to the throne-rocking back and forth, clinging to his Paintbrush with a death grip.

"Don't bother Papa," Runt muttered-over and over. I called Larry, Kamek, and J. T.(Master Junior Troopa, an annoying but persistent Koopa hatchling) to deal with Runt-because I wanted some sleep.

It's obvious, Journal: Grandpa's targeting Pop's favorite kids, and the only way the fossil could pull that off is if the seal on the painting he's in is getting weaker.

Yeah. Pop and Runt are paint wizards; that's why Pop was able to seal Prissy Pink in a stained glass window, and why Runt was able to frame The Plumber at Isle Delfino.

This nightmare crud spooked Runt. Not being Pop's soul jar (though I guess it helps that Runt's the Kid with the Remote Control). Not barely escaping death during Pop's first attempt at galactic conquest (foiled by The Plumber).

Nope. A dang nightmare.

No way in hell am I going to let this decrepit excuse for a Koopa Royal pick on my brothers and sister. We're going to send some common Koopas to end Grandpa's game, crushing his puny ego in the process.

Besides: tormenting my siblings? That's my job.

"Got them all, Koops?" asked Professor Frankly.

"Yep." Koops, along with Koopie Koo, slammed down a large pile of heavy books. "Every. Last. Stinking. Book."

I stared at the exhausted Koopas. "Why are you doing this again?"

Koops ignored me as he quelled the urge to hurl his Mailbox SP to the ground. "What is it now?" he asked.

Koopie Koo, Frankly, and I stared at Koops; watching in shock as the timid, affable Koopa trembled in fury.

"Yeah, I got them all... You want me to do what?"

"Ooh-he's peeved," I noted.

"Don't tell me to calm down! We've been all over the world-to hell and back-tracking down these books... Why do we have to bring them to Petalburg...? No! I'm in Rogueport, right outside a professor's house, in fact... I don't care about your 'superiors'...!"

"He's about to lose it..." Koopie Koo looked on, worried.

Koops glared at his SP. "Fine!" He shuts the SP.

"The Trouble still isn't solved?" Koopie asked.

Koops scowled. "Nope."

"Cancel the stupid thing!" I spat. "It can't cost that much-especially since we know who runs the Trouble Center."

Koops tensed his fists. "I can't. It's... It's too important."

"OHMKS still doesn't want me to help with the research?" Professor Frankly asked.

"Not here." Koops shook his head, irritated. "They want you to come with me to Petalburg."

"Okay," I grinned. "Now we can-*"

"S-sorry, Bella... Only the professor." Koops smiled in apology as he and Koopie Koo picked up the books. He's the only person allowed to call me "Bella"-ever since that horrible series of horror romance novels (and the tie-in movies) came out.

"If they change their minds, you know my email." I lifted up my SP-the way only we Goombas could.

"Don't worry about it," grunted Koops as he and Koopie Koo trudged to the pipe across from Frankly's house.

The two Koopas followed the professor into Rogueport Sewers, returning to Petalburg.

"I know he doesn't expect me to believe that," I scowled. Really: what does he take me for.

Koops still needs help researching those books I told him to get.

Fine by me. I'm talking to the blue-shelled Mario fanboy now-he's going to help us whether he wants to or not.

"You'd better keep your mouths shut, too," grins Black, looking over Kooper and Parakarry. I can't believe I know their names.

"Told you." Goggles the Parakoopa pouts at Kooper.

"No; you tried to get Merlon to remove their disguises," counters the dork.

Except we weren't wearing disguises. Ha! I am a ninja genius. Hidden in plain sight.

"It's not like we lied," says Yellow, showing Kooper our picnic photo with Dad and Pappy, the Favor Fiend. "Look at the photo."

"Sorry," scowls Kooper, not sorry at all. "You're all such fanboys of the psychotic overgrown Koopa-child that the Village forgot that you lived there."

"Spoken like a true Koopa Village idiot," says Green.

Kooper folds his arms.

"I almost feel sorry for the mayor," says Parakarry, frowning.

"Why 'almost'?" asks Black. He's just being a jerkass (as usual): every Koopa on this boat to Rogueport knows the answer.

"You're terrible grandsons," says Kooper, pouting. "And shell thieves."

"You can't pin the Fuzzy invasion on us!" I chortle-that was an obvious lie. Sheesh. Koopa Village needs to loosen up.

We reach Rogueport, get our cash and items back from a stupid Bandit at the east side of town (who do these guys think they're dealing with?), and enter the sewers...

...or rather, underground city-because these are the cleanest sewers I've ever seen. Kent's too big, so he takes the long route through the waterways to Petal Meadows. The rest of us take the shortcut-directly to Petalburg.

When we exit the pipe and arrive at Petalburg, we meet Koops-our Hidden Dragon (he looks and acts all meek, but he's got a temper on him-whoo!)-face to face.

And...

...I'm staring at his beautiful girlfriend. She will be mine.

END OF CHAPTER

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thank you for reading.