|It's Raining Men
Author: HopelessRomantic79 PM
Bella gets a surprise of a lifetime when her bachelorette party crush turns out to be something more. Dragward!Rated: Fiction M - English - Humor - Bella & Edward - Words: 3,574 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 19 - Follows: 9 - Published: 08-14-10 - Status: Complete - id: 6239504
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: For once, I can thank my sister for inspiration of this fic! Her, and Gerri Halliwell. I LOVE a good drag show, and well... this happened. I can just picture this all happening in my head, I hope it makes you laugh the way I laughed writing it. Thanks to EmmaleeWrites05 and sbgdgt for looking this over for me!
I'm not one for song fics, but I feel like it's really important to listen to "Brazil" by Pink Martini (Oregon natives!) when you read this. http:/www (dot) youtube (dot) com/watch?v=5pn5SpcZWeI
Disclaimer: Yeah right. SM would NEVER write this. Only my crazy-ass brain would come up with it. Read it with a light heart! :-)
"So you want to meet at ten?" Alice asked. I could tell, even on the other end of the phone, that she was doing her nails.
"Yeah, that's when he's leaving," I replied, taking a bite of my burrito. Tonight was the night of my bachelorette party, and I was nervous. I just knew the girls were going to try to get me to do something wild and crazy. They would. They always did, and it never worked.
My fiancé came into the kitchen, a sunny smile on his face, as he padded towards me and gave me a lingering kiss on my cheek. His hands wandered and I had to fight off moaning into the phone as his mouth moved up and down my neck. "A-alice, I'll call you back later, OK?"
"Sure," she said knowingly, and hung up without another word.
I swiveled in my bar stool to face my fiancé. "Are you ready for your big night out?" I smirked. "Your last night of freedom?" He laughed and buried his face in my neck. He smelled like Old Spice and bar soap. My Jacob.
"I don't want freedom," he swore jokingly, his warm hands wandering everywhere, under the waistband of my shorts. "I want you, right here, right now."
My mouth met his and for about twenty minutes he was the only thing I felt, smelled, heard, and came with.
We showered together and then we got ready for our respective parties. I'd always been nervous about the concept of bachelor/bachelorette parties, but Jake had assured me that we were in a loving, trusting relationship, and that Quil, Embry, Sam, Paul and Jared had all solemnly swore that they wouldn't let him even so much as touch a g-string.
We kissed at the door, my body stiff in the damn dress Alice had weaseled me into, to say nothing about the death traps on my feet. "No lap dances," I said as I kissed him once more for good measure. So he'd remember what he came home to.
"No… men in thongs," he shuddered.
"No problem there," I agreed, shivering in disgust with him. We kissed softly one last time, and then he was jumping in the car with Sam. I gave his friend a warning look, and he just shot me a brilliant smile in return, as if that was going to reassure me. It actually scared me more. It was too innocent.
Alice and Rose came to pick me up a half an hour early. The shoved me in the front seat, but not before adorning me with a sash that said "Bride" in pink cursive lettering, and a purple crown that definitely belonged in a child's toy chest rather than on me of all people. I tried to pull it off but Alice was batting my hand away. I frowned at her but played along. One night of this, just one, and all would be well.
"Where are we going?" I pouted. "I don't want to go to anything gross. Nothing I couldn't take Renee to." Rose and Alice burst into peals of laughter, which didn't exactly comfort me. "What?"
"This was Renee's idea," Alice laughed. "Of course she's going to be there. Now relax, will you? It's your last night to do something wild and crazy, things you'd never find yourself doing on any other night."
"I'm not wild and crazy," I reminded her gently. "I only do wild and crazy things because you force me to."
"And just think of how dull and drab your life would be without me," she sighed dramatically as we turned into downtown Seattle. "Now, we're going to get you drunk."
"Not in these things you're not!" I exclaimed, pointing to my feet. "I'll die!"
"Stop being theatrical," Rose sighed from the backseat. "You're ruining my good time, Bella, and you're the one supposed to be having a good time. Just relax. You know we'd never force you to do something you really didn't want to."
"I doubt that," I muttered, teeth clenched, but smiled in the rearview at her as Alice pulled into a parking garage. Sketchy but much cheaper. None of us were made of money.
We walked quickly, and with purpose, and soon we were standing outside a brightly lit building. "Le Faux?" I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. "Where-?"
Before I could get the question out, I was being bombarded with girls, every single one a friend or family member. My mother was there, and Charlie's wife Sue, and I hoped that meant the others would reign themselves in.
I was wrong.
They were worse.
"I need another wad of ones!" Renee moaned two hours later. I was drunk, and voluntarily so, but mostly because I needed to scrub the images out of my brain. It wasn't because we were front and center on a stage of a drag show. It wasn't because said queens were shaking their (very realistic looking) money makers. It was because my mother and step-mom were insisting on shoving dollar bills down said queen's ample bosoms, often doing something appalling like feeling them up before depositing cash down the sparkling dresses.
Right. In front. Of my face.
And of course Alice and Rose, along with Aunt Esme, Leah, Emily, Angela, Jessica, Tanya, and my cousins Maggie and Charlotte were egging them on. They were just as drunk as I was, if not more, but instead of being utterly traumatized, Renee and Sue had become the rock stars of the party. I sat there, unblinking, watching my mother grope a neatly tucked man in a skin tight leotard made of leopard print and a feather boa.
Hey, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to, right?
Naturally they tried to get me to do something crazy, like slip a wad of ones down the garter belt of the tall queen singing Killing Me Softly, which is kind of what this night was doing to me, but I resisted.
I'm not conservative. I'm not homophobic. I'm not even a prude. I just couldn't believe this was happening to me.
I excused myself into the bathroom and I don't think they'd even noticed I'd left because all I could hear were catcalls.
I pushed the door open and had a slight startle as I realized this bathroom was co-ed. And there, standing in the bathroom of a gay bar was the hottest man alive. I mean it. I nearly swooned. This guy was tall, though not as tall as Jake. I literally had to touch my engagement ring to remind myself I had a fiancé as I drank this guy down. Holy shit.
His reddish-brown hair was in a bizarre disarray on top his head, like he constantly shoved his fingers through it… or as if someone else did a lot. That thought made me shiver. He was dressed for the night out, but it wasn't over the top, and definitely not something one would expect a man to wear in a place like this. I slunk into the closest stall to me, hoping he hadn't caught my blatant ogling, but just as I shut the door, my eyes caught with his and I gasped. Bright green orbs stared back at me, the most intense color I'd ever seen in eyes. I wondered if they were contacts.
I heard a soft chuckle as I pulled the paper toilet seat cover out of the box, and then the door shut behind him, the throbbing pulse of the dance club music muting behind the door again.
After, I checked my hair and makeup, and as I expected, I looked like hell. My cheeks were flushed and my eyes were glassy from all the drinking. The crown had mercifully disappeared, and my sash was on backwards so "Bride" was in the back. In fact, it wasn't until that moment I realized just how hammered I was. My knees were shaky, but somehow I stayed on my feet… and that was because I was barefoot. I couldn't recall taking them off, and I couldn't even bring myself to care that I was barefoot in a public restroom in a bar. I'd worry about infection and bacteria when I sobered up.
I wove through the crowd again, and got back to my seat. "Where the hell were you?" Alice demanded. She looked even worse than I did. Her makeup was literally all over her face.
"Bathroom. What's wrong with your face?" I hollered over the music.
"You missed me making out with a drag queen!" she giggled. "I gave her a twenty for Don't Leave Me This Way and she kissed me!"
"Oh God," I groaned. The other girls decided I needed another shot then, so they flagged down the nearest bartender.
"Holy-" Rose stammered beside me. She'd managed to snag the attention of the beefiest bartender in the world- he was just her type. He had curly black hair, dimples to die for, and a smirk to match, muscles even I wanted to lick… and he was coming our way with a tray of drinks in hand.
"What'll it be ladies?" he asked with a wink that I noticed was directed exactly at Rose who sighed happily beside me.
"Tequila!" Jane squealed, because she's just that mean. I glared at her.
"Aren't you having fun, Miss Matrimony?" Beefcake grinned at me. "That just won't do. I might know of some gentlemen that just might be able to help you out with that." He winked once more and then sped off to the bar.
The unmistakable strains of disco changed on the speakers, and my jaw dropped as the curtains fell back open as The Weather Girls started singing. "Humidity's risin'…"
You know those Chippendale dancers? The ones in the black leather pants, the cuffs, and the bow ties?
Those. On the stage. Dancing to It's Raining Men. And holy fuck was it really. I didn't know which one to look at first. The one on the far left was strikingly blonde, and probably the oldest there. His eyes were like steel and ice blue. I could tell Aunt Esme liked the way he moved by the way she shook a fifty at him. He thrust his pelvis out towards her as she screamed like a fangirl at a boy band concert, and he winked at her. She was smitten.
The second guy was just Alice's type. He looked like he would write poetry and know intense legal issues or something. Play the guitar. His wavy hair fell in his eyes and she fell all over herself, jumping up and down in these crazy heels.
The third was… hold up. The mystery guy from the bathroom. And Jesus Christ did he look good without a shirt on. Suddenly, my night was looking up. Green Eyes caught my gaze for a brief second, and his smile widened as he threw his hands up over his head and swiveled his pelvis. Men and women alike swooned. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him, not even for the fourth guy that looked like an underwear model that rode motorcycles, the only one with a long ponytail. Somehow, he rocked it. But I barely noticed him, I was too busy ogling Green Eyes.
I wanted to lick him from head to toe. No disrespect to Jake. But Green Eyes' body was rock hard, as I imagined his cock would be when I rode it.
I blamed the alcohol for that particular thought process.
The way he moved, it should be illegal. The way all of them looked was beyond earthly imagination, but Green Eyes… I was dying. It was like my libido had been kicked into fifteenth gear, from zero to three hundred in two seconds. Where was Jake when I needed him?
Why did I have to be engaged?
Why did he have to be a performer on the stage?
Why couldn't his head be between my thighs right now?
He wasn't so much dancing as shimmying, his hips outrageously thrusting the air and grinding, it was like sex without the partner.
Can I please be the partner?
His chest looked oiled, practically glistening, and I wanted to lick it, see if it was salty with sweat or not. I was in a trance, and even Beefcake shoving a shotglass of tequila into my hand didn't distract me. The rest of the girls knocked back the shots, and I continued to stare as Green Eyes gyrated on the stage. I silently willed him to look at me, to wink, to nod, to acknowledge me once more, but of course he was too busy getting ones down his pants from men and women alike.
The song ended and I pouted, unwilling to give up my eye candy. The vast numbers of giggling people at the base of the stage disintegrated as the lights dimmed and you could no longer see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse In My Panties. Well, One Horseman at least.
Rose was busy trying to catch Beefcake's eye from the bar, but he was busy pouring drinks and flirting with the customers. I didn't have the heart to remind her that this was a gay bar and that he was most likely a Bear.
I was the one with a crush on the third guy from the left. Talk about disappointment.
A few more acts came on the stage, but no one was really paying attention. The Chippendale imitators had gotten my friends riled up, to say nothing of my moms. They were drunk out of their minds and smitten.
"Did you SEE the one on the left?" Aunt Esme and my moms swooned. They were going for the DILF-y looking guy that Aunt Esme had been throwing fifties at in fistfuls. "I'd like to grab his ass and just bite on it all night long..."
Alice too had a dreamy look. She kept mumbling something about soulmates to Rose, who was utterly distracted by Beefcake, throwing flirty looks at him though he never really responded in kind. I wanted to gently remind them we were in a gay bar and that us females were just there for fun, but I don't think they understood that with that amount of alcohol in their blood. "I'm just so happy," she sighed.
My eyes wandered, trying to find Green Eyes again, but it was futile. He'd disappeared, though I could see Dr. DILF and Mr. Sensitive walking around serving drinks. Aunt Esme and Alice squealed together as they realized they were coming towards our table, and I just rolled my eyes and looked out for Green Eyes.
I sighed heavily and watching the show on the stage again. A new act was up, singing Don't Go Breaking My Heart. They were pretty good, a male and female duo that could have also sung Ebony and Ivory and still been completely appropriate. "Thank you, Laurent and Irina!" the emcee said in his deep, booming voice. "And now, ladies... and queens... The moment you've allllll been waiting for! The lovely, the talented, the wellllll endowed... Missss Edna Lovegood!"
The cheers and bellows surrounding me were deafining. Clearly Miss Edna Lovegood was popular. Every light in the place went down, save for the backlighting, which was a hot pink with black palm trees in the corners. The room became still, entranced, waiting. I found myself holding my breath. Even the drunkards I was with shut up, clearly as curious as I was for this headliner who was standing in the middle of the stage, a curvy figure that was clearly wearing some sort of Chiquita Banana getup.
A clear, crystal voice began to sing, slowly, lilting. Inviting us in.
Brazil... when stars were entertaining June,
We stood beneath an amber moon,
And softly murmured someday soon,
And clung together then,
Tomorrow was another day,
The morning found us miles away,
With still a million things to say,
And now, when twilight dims the sky above,
Recalling thrills of our love,
There's one thing I am certain of,
Return, I will,
To old Brazil!
The spot lights opened up and you could see the deep black dress that flaired at the bottom like a flaminco dancer or maybe Carmen Miranda. On top was a tall hat made of what looked like genuine fruit. I giggled. Then the music picked up and the performer turned and I was staring into... green... eyes...
My jaw dropped. The exact same green eyes I'd seen in the bathroom and up on stage were now surrounded by layers of heavy makeup, some of which glittered, and what was hopefully false eyelashes, marimbaing around the stage. Catcalls shrilled out around me, and I winced. I felt my face drain of color.
Oh God. I'd imagined his lips around my clit... and now he was wearing bright red lipstick that even Rose wouldn't attempt in one of her sluttier outfits. The long, slender fingers I'd fantasized about were encircled by rings that rivaled my own, and some that were so outrageously covered I wondered how he bent his fingers around the microphone.
My mouth opened and closed like a fish as the song went on. Miss "Edna" was shimmying suggestively around the stage again, and men were practically throwing her wads of cash from the base of the stage. Everyone else around me was being thoroughly entertained... and I was blushing like a moron for shattered fantasies.
Suddenly Miss Edna Lovegood had created a conga line, and before I knew what had happened to me, I was thrust right into the middle. And when I say middle, I mean my hands were thrown onto Miss Edna's shoulders, and Beefcake's hands were wrapped around my waist. I'm pretty sure I got a flash of Rosalie's pea-green jealousy before I was behing whirled around in the line. I'd have been pretty dumb to not notice Miss Edna's strong, well defined muscular shoulders flexing beneath my palms. I'd have to have been in a coma to not notice Beefcake's hands massaging my hips, especially since when I turned, he wiggled his too-perfectly-plucked eyebrows at me. And I'd have been a moron to not notice Miss Edna's wicked grin as he turned to look at me. The grin said it all. He knew what was going on in my head. He knew all the lewd thoughts I'd been having for him. And he knew what this was doing to me. I scowled at him, which made me laugh, a soft, tinkling laugh that had to be Miss Edna's voice rather than his given one. It made me hate him even more.
I was steaming by the time Beefcake's hands had wandered back to himself, and deposited me back to my chair. "Get. Me. Out of here," I seethed to the girls. Miss Edna Lovegood had already collected her plethora of ones and twenties off the stage, bowing deeply, but not so deeply that her chicken cutlets fell out, and all of the Chippendales were back, grooving on the stage to some horrid techno beat.
"But-" they all protested, pointing to the stage like I was an idiot who didn't understand that half naked men were still dancing around, but I was already stuffing my feet back into the death traps, and trying to wobble out wih some dignity intact.
I whipped out my phone and saw that I had a missed message from Jake. "Tonight kind of sucked without you baby," he'd written and I whipped open the phone to reply.
"You have NO idea. By the way, remind me to buy you a bow tie..."
A/N: I have never been to LaFaux, but it's a real club in Seattle.
Green Eyes AKA Miss Edna Lovegood= Edward
Beefcake= Emmett (Beefcake is based off of a real bartender my sister loves at CC's in Portland)
Dr. DILF= Carlisle
Mr. Sensitive= Jasper
Motorcycle guy= James
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