Author: Taylor James Smith PM
The new infomercial for the latest achievement in exerciseRated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Words: 1,328 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 2 - Published: 08-27-10 - Status: Complete - id: 6276908
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N- This is something I was planning to do for real, with a few friends of mine, to post on Youtube. It never came to fruition. Then I seen the "TV Commercial" section on here, and figured, 'Why not?' Enjoy. And don't forget. RR.
Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Bowflex. DON'T SUE PLEASE!
ANNOUNCER 1: The following is a paid advertisement for the "Assmasterer 7 ¾" by Bowflex.
(Lights come up on a set filled with exercise equipment. Taylor Smith, the host, walks out to a round of applause.)
TAYLOR SMITH: Hi. I'm Taylor Smith, here to tell you about a wondrous new exercise machine that gives you amazing results: the "Assmasterer 7 ¾". You have all seen ads that claim to give you a better-shaped behind, right?"
TAYLOR SMITH: And as you know, most aren't worth a penny of the price you paid for them. However, the ingenious personal trainers over at Bowflex have put their heads together and came out with one that does! Linda, could you bring it out please?
(Linda, a beautiful blond woman, wearing a shimmering evening gown, pushes out a pedestal, on top of which sits the product. Upon closer examination, its nothing but a reclining arm chair.)
TAYLOR SMITH: Thank you, Linda.
(Linda waves at the audience as she exits.)
TAYLOR SMITH: What you see here may look like nothing more than a chair, but, thanks to the engineers at Bowflex, this is a great way to tone up your glutes. But don't take my word for it. Let's hear what some paid actors have to say about this amazing piece of machinery.
(Screen fades, only to come back with three videos of different people, each one captioned "This is not a paid actor," and showing the typical before and after shots.)
BERTHA: (a 70-some woman comes on the screen, anywhere between 200 and 250 pounds.) Before the Assmasterer 7 ¾, my buttocks was so flabby, and unattractive.
(Insert 'before' picture of a highly attractive woman in a red bikini.)
BERTHA: Something needed to be done. I bought the Assmasterer 7 ¾, and now I feel like a whole new woman!
(Insert 'after' picture of nothing but a big ass, wearing a thong, sitting on sand.)
JOE: (A 30-some man comes on the screen of average weight and a balding head) I was skeptical about the Assmasterer's results.
(Insert 'before picture of a muscle-bound hunk with incredible good looks)
JOE: But after trying it, I knew my money was well spent!
(Insert 'after' picture of a heavy set man, bent over a railing, wearing short, short shorts, where you can see his ass cheeks hanging down about an inch and a half under the hem.)
ANNA: (A very attractive redhead, early 20's comes on the screen.) I used to be teased constantly about the shape of my butt. Everybody kept calling me names, like "Lard Ass" or "Cottage Cheese Curds."
(Insert 'before' picture of a huge, lumpy ass, completely naked, laying on a bed.)
ANNA: Now, after using the Assmasterer 7 ¾, I show off my derrière with pride. Thanks, Bowflex!
(Insert 'after' picture of a tight, firm ass, in a red leotard)
(Screen fades, and comes back to the set with the exercise equipment.)
TAYLOR SMITH: Now, I'm sure you are all wondering how you use this item to get the benefits you want. Well, let me show you. Can I get a member of the audience to come down and help with a demonstration?
(The camera spans the audience and we see a large, overweight woman wearing a blue flowered mumu, running down to the stage.)
TAYLOR SMITH: (As the woman approaches) Hello, there. What's your name?
LuANNE: (In a thick, southern drawl.) You know my name, Pa!"
TAYLOR SMITH:(Nervously) I don't know your name. We never met before now! But why don't you help us with this demonstration?
LuANNE: Whatever you say, Pa!
TAYLOR SMITH: (Angrily whispering) Stop calling me 'Pa", or else I'm going to take Sparky out back and shoot him! (Louder and kinder) So, miss. Please. Take a seat
(LuAnne sits in the recliner.)
TAYLOR SMITH: Now, to start the machine, all you have to do is pull the lever on the side of the machine.
(LuAnne pulls the lever, extending the footrest, and laying her back.)
TAYLOR SMITH: Now that the machine is turned on, all you do is sit there, and let the chair do its job.
LuANNE: (Slowly and monotonously.) How long do I have to sit here?
TAYLOR SMITH: That's the best part. You can sit there for hours, and the machine will still work. You can sit there and read a book, or watch tv, or even eat dinner. The Chair does all the work!
LuANNE: Oh, goodness. How much does a machine like this cost?
TAYLOR SMITH: I'm glad you asked that, miss. The Assmasterer 7 ¾ can be yours for the low price of seven easy bi-monthly annual payments of $24.99. (Word flash on the bottom of the screen: "Please include $29.99 for shipping and handling") But wait! There's more!
(Linda comes back out, rolling a table with three objects with her.)
TAYLOR SMITH : If you call within the next 30 seconds, you will also receive this wonderful free gift! (Walks over to the table and picks up the first item.) It's a mechanical fire starter! (Holds up a cigarette lighter.) How does it work? No one knows! (Flicks it, and the flame pops on) Its magic! (Sets the lighter back down.) But wait. There's even more! (Picks up the second item.) If you act now, you also get this amazing backscratcher! (Holds up a stick broken off from a tree.) But we aren't done yet! (Walks over to the final item and holds it up. It's an envelope.) You also receive a lifetime supply of junk mail! That's right, folks. No more do you have to go to your mailbox and see that it is empty. Every day, there will be new junk mail delivered right to your very own mailbox!
LuANNE: Gee golly! We get all this for just seven easy bi-monthly annual payments of $24.99? (Words flash on the screen: "Please include $29.99 for shipping and handling.")
TAYLOR SMITH: Not so fast! We will make it even more affordable for you. Instead of seven easy bi-monthly annual payments of $24.99, we will decrease the number of payments! Now, the Assmasterer 7 ¾ can be yours for 3 monthly annual payments of $49.99! (Words flash on the screen: "Please include $29.99 for shipping and handling.")
LuANNE: How can I order one of these, Pa?
TAYLOR SMITH: That's easy! (Slaps LuAnne.) Stay tuned to find out how to order!
(As lights fade, to the sound of the audience applauding, Taylor Smith pulls LuAnne off of the chair and drags her offstage.)
ANNOUNCER 2: To order your Assmasterer 7 ¾ for just 3 monthly annual payments of $49.99, (Words flash on the screen: "Please include $29.99 for shipping and handling.") please call 1-800-386-2277. Again, that's 1-800-DUM-BASS. (Spoken very quickly) Please allow 14-17 years for delivery. Bowflex takes no liability for laziness or obesity when using this product. We do not accept CODs, cash, check, money order, credit card, debit card, or any other transaction of funds. Please do not call. If you call, you are a dumb ass, and your phone bill will be charged full amount for the product.
ANNOUNCER 1: The preceding has been a paid advertisement for the "Assmasterer 7 ¾" by Bowflex.
A/N. This is my first attempt at a parody. Please RR, and let me know what you thin.