Hmmm, you might need a key for reading this. Here goes:

"snark" - Cristina speaking.
all important commentary - the Voiceover God.
saccharine, vomit worthy description - the Voiceover God's idea of setting the scene/stage directions.

Enjoy.

The Voiceover That Never Was
in which Cristina Yang earns her true Seattle Grace stripes through declamation on quickies, coffee and large naked men

"Do I really have to do this?"

Yes. Yes you do.

"Fine. But if I ever get hold of your heart, I'll crush it in my fist."

I'm the God of Voiceovers. I have no heart.

"Ego much?"

I can make sure you don't get to tap anything even vaguely resembling Owen for three consecutive seasons.

"Moving swiftly on..."

Scene: a beautiful blonde woman is woken with a kiss by her erudite, raven haired male companion.

"'To sleep, perchance to dream'...whatever, I'm not reading this crap. Anyway, Derek was being all 'there's always time for a quickie, because I'm the kind of boyfriend who will give you all the best surgeries and not consider it favouritism', but now Mer's getting up. She is clearly not in the quickie mood."

The beautiful blonde woman rises and enters the adjoining bathroom. As she looks into the mirror, the smile on her face drops away.

"Oh no, I can't take another storyline about Meredith's issues! Why can't I have any issues?"

You do. You're cold and emotionless.

"Am not."

Are so. However, to make your snark more appealing to a wider audience, you're multi-layered – like an ice cream sandwich.

"Oh yeah, real nice analogy."

Do you want sweaty, horizontal and/or upright HBO style sex? Because, you know, Owen's licensed to do that.

"Yes ma'am!"

Then carry on.

"Um, okay, now Mer's morphing into the Lexipedia, who is also staring at herself in the mirror...seriously, a shared Grey storyline? Is Thatcher going to die now too? You've already killed off both their mothers!"

This beauty has dark eyes and looks very little like her sister, apart from a slight firmness about the mouth.

"Lexie? Firm?"

You can do it like they do it on True Blood.

"A slight firmness which only seems to accentuate the fractured link between these two siblings' souls –"

Nicely put.

"The lovely young maiden tries for a smile, but her eyes seem on the verge of filling with tears – oh wait, Alex is coming up behind her, and...are they doing what I think they're doing? Oh God, it's obscene! Why, why would you show that primetime? Crossfade, crossfade now!"

Somewhere in a trailer park, the also beautiful and coincidentally blonde Isobel Stevens sheds crystalline tears as she regards her own perfect visage.

"Even the 27 Dresses fan are so over the Izzie pimping. Roll on with the next scene!"

So help me, I will have them put a lock on the door of the vent room. You'll have to do your Marilyn Monroe roleplaying somewhere else.

"I've never got why Owen is scared of my tiny ceiling fan but not the huge, rotating blades of death which power the vents."

Plot hole.

"I see."

Did you notice that we also got him to bring you coffee, just like Burke did? For you, coffee is a precursor to sex!

"Okay, because that's not weird...hey, look, it's me!"

Indeed.

"I'm asleep because, you know, despite getting up at four to nab all the cool surgeries, I actually do like sleep. In my apartment, there's usually a pot of coffee Callie made lurking around somewhere and a large naked man to use as a pillow. Unfortunately, though, since Owen is both a kicker and a duvet hog, this is not possible. This is, of course, all airbrushed out of the equation so the viewers think we all just snuggle up and spoon quietly."

I give up.

"Anyway, I think I just punched him in the face with my pager – yes, yes I did. He's definitely squinting, and that's going to turn into a black eye which will be used humorously by everyone he comes into contact with today and will actually lead to him bonding with Alex over shitty fathers. Oooh, we're doing the silent chemistry thing while I fix his eye! He is totally looking at my boobs – either that or I genuinely broke his face..."

You're so getting another love triangle for this.

"Nope, he's okay, but apparently we need to 'talk' about something. Barf."

You need to get more in touch with your feelings, you know.

"I am in touch with my feelings!"

Your choking jokes make Owen sad.

"Everything makes Owen sad right now, even sex. He's just not a very cheerful person, you know, and he's always disappearing off with Derek or going silent when I...holy crap, what is that? Is that a ring?"

Scene: several months prior to this voiceover, an attractively badass army surgeon springs into action, leaving everyone else to wonder why he hasn't yet changed his clothes from what they were in Iraq and yell 'take it off' at regular intervals. He performs an improvisational tracheotomy on an ailing older man using a ball point pen, and continues to provide the gentleman in question with oxygen on their way to Seattle Grace Hospital. When the ambulance doors open, the badass surgeon's eyes unexpectedly meet those of a young woman gowned in sunshine yellow, whose deep brown orbs are all at once alluring, defensive and multi-layered – rather like an ice cream sandwich...

"I think I'm going to be sick."

That'll be the conveniently timed accidental pregnancy we got you.

"What?"

Happy One Fallopian Tube Miracle Baby Day, Cristina Yang!

*faints*

That'll teach them to bump me to Private Practice.