|What happens on Tatooine STAYS on Tatooine, OK?
Author: l'ombre de tes yeux PM
A ridiculous tale of foul-mouthed droids, repressed Padawans, Jedi behaving badly, and the endless dilemma of what to get Yoda for his birthday. Rated for gratuitous swearing, innuendo and general crudeness. Disclaimer: Own Star Wars, I do not.Rated: Fiction M - English - Humor - Chapters: 6 - Words: 6,998 - Reviews: 3 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 09-10-10 - Published: 09-03-10 - id: 6295434
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Apologies for not updating in a few days, I just started doing double shifts at my job and things have been pretty hectic. Also haven't been feeling particularly comedic, so this chapter took a while to write and started out dismally un-funny.
Enough of my whining, and on with the anarchy. Sorry if it's a bit short, but as Yoda would say, size matters not...
5: YOUSA IN BIG DOODOO NOW
A couple of hours and several unpleasant drinks later, nobody is in particularly good spirits. Shmi is still giving Qui-Gon nasty looks. Jar Jar is asleep with his head on the table, and Obi-Wan is glaring at him whenever he snores. And the bands are just appalling, although there was a rather good rapper (with a song about Jabba entitled Slidin' Dirty) at the beginning of the night. He, sadly, got hauled off the stage by the Hutt's yes-men ten minutes into his act. Now it's a lame Max Rebo tribute band with a couple of rather overweight dancing girls, and they're sounding progressively worse as the singer gets drunker and more maudlin. Suddenly Qui-Gon's comlink buzzes. He opens it and groans. It's Yoda. And to make matters worse, he's already missed two other calls from the Council. He wonders what the severance pay is for struck-off Jedis these days.
'Master Yoda, hello. What can I do for you?'
'… scree… crackle... crackle... '
'What's that? I can't hear you!'
'… scree... very bad the signal is... crackle... dreadful singing I can hear...'
'Hang on, I'll go outside – '
'… crackleFZZT... Put me on hold, do not!'
Qui-Gon pushes the Hold button with a certain amount of satisfaction. That'll teach the daft old dwarf to set the Ewok National Anthem as the on-hold music.
'Who's that?' Obi-Wan asks loudly over the din of the band. Qui-Gon scowls.
'Yoda. I have a feeling I'm about to get an earful.'
'Oooh, I want to hear this! Put it on loudspeaker, would you?' Obi-Wan says eagerly, following Qui-Gon outside into the street. Qui-Gon glares at him.
'If you dare say anything like 'I told you so' I'll tell all your friends about that time you split your trousers during your physical exam. And I'll put the vid up on the Holonet.'
Obi-Wan looks suitably cowed, and Qui-Gon presses his comlink again.
'Master Yoda? You still there?'
'That on-hold soundtrack we must change! Whoever programmed it, punish them I will!'
'Yoda, it was you who set that up.'
'Hmm. Forgotten that I had. Change it I will.'
'That would be appreciated. Anyway, what's this about?'
'Received a call from the Tatooine police, I have. Here for the Hutt mission, they say you are. Understand this I do not!'
'Erm... I can explain...'
'Most unhappy, Master Windu is. Stolen his mission, he says you have.'
'Yes, yes, I know – look, just let me explain, would you? We crashed on Tatooine because I missed the hyper-jump to Brentaal. The ship's going to take a few days to fix, so I figured I could sort out the Hutts while I'm here, then go to Brentaal afterwards.'
'See how this concerns the police, I do not.'
'Well, I made a start on collecting some information, but I accidentally crashed a speeder while doing so, and the police got involved. To be fair, it wasn't my fault, the speeder was a pile of crap...'
'Blame the speeder you should not: a pile of crap your driving is. But beside the point, this all is. Confused I still am. Nowhere near Brentaal, Tatooine is.'
'Master Yoda, as you probably already know, Qui-Gon's sense of direction is sometimes less than perfect,' Obi-Wan cuts in, 'and besides, he was– oowww!' he yelps as Qui-Gon treads on his foot.
'Sorry, Padawan, was that your toe? How clumsy of me,' Qui-Gon comments loudly. Yoda snorts.
'Enough. Qui-Gon, a right pig's ear of this you have made – '
'OK, so I screwed up a bit on the directions. But I can't help it if the police have nothing better to do than be obstructive!'
'Still talking I was. Interrupt me again you will not!'
'A pig's ear of this you have made, but one more chance I will give you. Do the Hutt mission you will, and if balls it up you do, then supervising the younglings' bedtime for a month you will be!'
'But I... bloody hell, Yoda! That is cruel and unusual punishment!' Qui-Gon complains, but Yoda has already hung up. He closes his comlink, scowling.
'Wonderful. More work. Not to mention the fact that Mace Windbag's going to absolutely murder me at the next Council session. Shit, I've really messed this up, haven't I?'
'I told you we should've – '
'What was that you just said, Padawan?'
'Erm – '
Obi-Wan's sentence is swallowed by an explosion and a lot of shouting from the bar, then Jar Jar comes crashing through a window with a yodel of 'A-wooo!' He lands heavily on Qui-Gon, who isn't very impressed.
'Jar Jar, why can you never do anything without causing utter chaos? Who did you upset this time?'
'My dunno. My just finding new mooloo, moy moy yum yum, then boom, meeser getting very scared, then pow! Meeser here.'
The two Jedi share a resigned look. They've heard that line a few times before, and usually it results in a lot of shouting and paperwork when they get back to the Council.
'Honestly, we can't take you anywhere. Where's Shmi?'
'My not sure.'
'Sheesh, do I have to do everything around here? Jar Jar, you stay here and do NOT get in any more trouble or I'll use your ears as a hyperdrive belt with them still attached to your head. Obi-Wan, come on, let's go and kick some ass– I mean, rescue damsels in distress.'