|Yet Another Harris Hookup Disaster
Author: Manchester PM
Begins the series 'The Underwear Chronicles.' In 'The Zeppo', Xander Harris has his one-night stand with Faith, culminating with the Slayer throwing him out of her hotel room while the teenager is clad only in his underwear. That was just the beginning.Rated: Fiction M - English - Humor/Romance - Xander H. - Chapters: 23 - Words: 17,975 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 3 - Published: 09-10-10 - id: 6313607
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
1. Sally Solomon
Crossover: 3rd Rock From The Sun (1996-2001)
Author's Notes: This tv series had a reluctant quartet of aliens from outer space assigned by the Big Giant Head (don't ask) to land upon a certain planet, shift from their original forms (a big purple tube, basically) into the bodies of the dominant species of that world, and then dwell among them while checking for signs of civilization (highly doubtful). During their transformation into people living in an American Midwest college town, the hard-as-nails Security Officer wound up becoming an extremely sexy female and taking on the name of Sally Solomon of the Solomon family (they saw the name on a passing delivery truck). Later, when she complained about why she had to be the woman, a very short answer was given to her by the leader of their group: "Because you lost."
The concept of this ficlet was taken from an actual episode, when Sally sees outside their house her first snowfall ever, notices the deserted streets, and jumps to a hasty conclusion that humanity is now virtually extinct due to a natural disaster, and it's up to her to fill the world again with its inhabitants. How, exactly, will be figured out later, as she then grabs the first passer-by and takes him up to her bedroom, which is about as far as it got in the tv show. In the Buffyverse, Xander Harris is a bemused but very willing participant, who afterwards makes the mistake of explaining to Sally exactly what a snowstorm is, and why there's nothing to be concerned about. She wasn't very happy to hear that and Sally then strongly expressed her displeasure to him, just before she ejected him from the house.
2. Marie D'Ancanto
Crossover: X-Men movies (2000, etc.)
Author's Note: The mutant known as Rogue has a lot of problems in her life: being considered a dangerous subhuman by normal people, an overzealous older guy living in their home who considers himself her protector, and having superpowers that allow the young woman with the first name of Marie to suck out the life, knowledge, and abilities of anybody she even lays a finger upon. Which doesn't do a thing for her attempts to get some. An imagination and a pulsating plastic cylinder ordered through the mail can only do so much, so a cautious meeting was set up at the local motel with someone who indicated he was prepared to be broadminded.
It really wasn't her date's fault that she'd gotten the cheap, easily-torn gloves. However, Marie certainly didn't feel like blaming herself, so she threw him out, called up room service for a gallon of Ben and Jerry's finest, and turned the television to the Lifetime Channel in preparation for a good cry.
Elsewhere in the motel corridors, Xander was running for his life, while being chased by a berserk guy yelling at him for taking advantage of a sweet, innocent girl and getting closer with those claws of his. The one-eyed man put down his head and tried to find a little bit more speed in his legs, not knowing he was being chased by Logan (last name unknown, even to that guy), another mutant with the code name of Wolverine and having powers of heightened senses, super-fast healing, and a really nasty personality from having his entire skeleton coated with an amazingly durable metal known as adamantium, with also the addition of three unbelievingly sharp blades of this material inside each of his forearms that could pop out of his hands whenever he willed it. Which hurt. A lot.
Okay, so maybe it made a really cool sound doing that, which Logan was thinking about copyrighting.
If a fleeing Xander Harris had learned of this and he could think of a way to do it safely, that Sunnydale survivor would have surely snarked to the guy with the weird hairstyle that he'd been exceedingly lucky things hadn't been derisively arranged so that every time he showed off his claws, the tune of 'Pop Goes The Weasel' would have jauntily played.
3. Princess Fiona
Crossover: Shrek and sequels (2001-on)
Sometime during this animated movie, Xander finds himself in the fairy-tale land of Far, Far Away, where all the inhabitants of those bedtime stories do exist, albeit in a much more realistic and grittier manner. It winds up with him catching the eye of the beautiful princess living in a castle and then getting invited into her bedroom - look, it's a fantasy, all right?
In any case, considering his past that had such things as a praying mantis teacher and a life-sucking Incan mummy, it's no wonder why that man didn't bat an eye at seeing his potential bedmate revealing her closely-guarded secret exactly at sunset. Namely, that Princess Fiona transforms every night from a gorgeous human woman into a green-skinned, taller-than-him, seriously-muscled ogress.
Hey, he still thought she looked cute, and Xander was quite happy to tell her that. It was simply the major growling of his stomach at that specific moment which made him broach the subject in such an inadvertently insulting way, about comparing her emerald complexion to a creamy mixture of avocados mashed or puréed with tomatoes and lightly spiced with chilies.
4. An Unseen Presence
Crossover: Stephen King's The Shining (1977 book and 1980 movie)
Author's Note: All information needed for this ficlet is presented in my prequel story "A Hotel Is Not A Home" presented elsewhere here.
Crossover: Xena: Warrior Princess (1995-2001)
Author's Note: That tv series is named after the main character, a barbarian warrior woman in all her leather-clad glory, with the toned legs, the impressive bust, and the wild grin on her face as she leaps and tumbles around the set, beating up her mostly-male opponents, and also on some very appreciated episodes, going head-to-head against similarly scantily-dressed female foes-
(Ahem. Just let me wipe off the drool on my keyboard.)
Anyway, Gabrielle is Xena's buddy, sidekick, companion, whatever, and during her spare time of writing down the tales of their exploits, that younger blonde woman also learned a few moves from her friend. (Make whatever you like of that, since there's no confirmation of anything else whatsoever that may have occurred between the pair. Nuh-huh. Vile rumors, I tell you. At least for now.)
Which might have been why, on a break from being with the brunette brawler, Gabrielle saw across a tavern room a lonely-looking guy with one eye, who seemed a bit lost, looked nice, and was certainly cleaner than the rest of the bar's clientele. So, a few minutes later, a sudden decision to impress her partner (hey, we've all done that, just not like her) resulted in him performing some unexpected acrobatics that resulted in an extremely grumpy Xander afterwards making the acquaintance of a dozen buckets filled with very cold water.
6. Minerva McGonagall
Crossover: The Harry Potter novels (1997-2007)
Author's Notes: In the books, Minerva McGonagall is a prim and proper witch in her early seventies (late middle age for women with magic in the wizarding world), who sternly goes around in her work as Assistant Headmistress of Hogwarts, the mystical castle in Scotland where those children from Great Britain and other countries beginning to manifest their unique abilities are taught how to control and manage magic via their wands.
I decided to do a Harry Potter story and have Xander wander into Hogsmeade, the small village of wizards and witches near the castle. Ordinarily, the township has spells to keep Muggles (non-magical humans) from entering or even noticing the place, but considering that Xander's a Sunnydale native, born and raised on the Hellmouth, plus with that man getting hit by various curses, hexes, and enchantments every other week or so during his high school years in that demon-haunted California city, he probably just strolled right through the wards around the rural community without even knowing they were there.
It was also undoubtedly why nobody there paid any attention to the man dressed in jeans and a pullover while everyone else was wearing their wizarding robes (Xander decided not to ask, since there was surely some kind of good reason for it, and he was tired of being regarded as a "bluidy daft Yank".). So, it's the pub for him, with the chance of something to eat and drink, and MY GOD, LOOK AT THOSE TITS!
He might have hooked up in the first place with Madam Rosmerta, the owner of the Three Broomsticks pub, except I wanted Xander to visit Hogwarts, and the easiest way to do that was to have someone from there bring him to the school. There weren't all that many females in the castle for that possibility, and as I mulled over those characters, I thought it'd be hilarious to use Minerva McGonagall. Look, that woman can change herself into a cat. She must have other hidden depths, among them a strong desire to occasionally cut loose and thoroughly enjoy herself.
Hence, the use of Polyjuice, when a single hair from the person whose body you want to transform yourself into is placed into this potion and then that magical concoction is drunk, with the subsequent change in appearance taking place right after. People with strict principles, such as Minerva, wouldn't do this without the express permission of the donor of their hair, not to mention Rosmerta's own willingness in allowing a rarely-seen barmaid to size up her customers while this supremely endowed young witch was mentally rating them as potential bed partners.
Notwithstanding the fact that Minerva's female friends surely broke into gales of laughter when that woman hesitantly broached her desire to them, they next gleefully agreed to go along with everything in the spirit of feminine solidarity. As long as she told them all the details.
Which shortly afterwards included a thorough description of a truly fine shag by a young man who certainly knew what he was doing. Furthermore, that dashing one-eyed Council member also possessed the admirable trait of knowing when to keep his mouth totally shut, despite being simultaneously sneered at and twinkled towards by two interfering male busybodies, who had no business poking around in others' private affairs.
7. Princess Leia
Crossover: *Sigh* Do you REALLY need this? Oh, all right: Star Wars (1977)
Author's Note: There's a site called with a hilarious section titled "Movie-A-Minute" with ultra (and I mean ULTRA) condensed synopses of films. Case in point, the following, with these the property of their original owners:
The Empire Strikes Back
Luke: I have to go to Dagobah.
Yoda: You have to use the force.
Luke: I have to go to Cloud City.
Darth Vader: You have to go to the dark side.
Luke: No I don't.
Darth Vader: I'm your father.
Luke: No you're not.
Darth Vader: Fine, I'll cut off your hand.
Not to mention the last of the trilogy:
Return of the Jedi
Darth Vader: Luke, come to the dark side.
Darth Vader: Your goodness has redeemed me. Die, emperor scum.
Oddly enough, nobody's yet done the first movie, so here's my version that led to my ficlet:
Darth Vader: Princess, I have tortured you and I blew up your home planet. Surely, that must have broken you.
Princess Leia: This tight white dress really makes my boobies bounce, doesn't it?
Darth Vader: I need a drink.
8. Zatanna Zatara
Crossover: DC Comics Universe
Author's Note: Presented in the ficlet as the classic DC character as created in the 1960's, ignoring all the mind-wiping controversy. Zatanna is the beautiful daughter of a real-life magician, and she has her own personal mystic powers that can accomplish whatever she wants, as long as she says her commands backwards. "Turn on the light" becomes "Thgil eht no nrut." (I wonder what would take place if she spoke out loud a palindrome. Does nothing at all happen, or is there a risk of the entire universe exploding?)
As her cover identity, Zatanna works as a stage illusionist, pretending her magic is just trickery, all while dressed up in her costume of a black top hat, a white bow tie, a tuxedo jacket, a very low-cut white dress shirt attached to black tights, black fishnet stockings, and black high heels. Oh, and black fishnet stockings. Um, did I already say that? Anyway, Xander is happy about his new girlfriend, until it comes to pass those few special days of the month when she's really cranky, causing him to break out in a cold sweat every time she opens her mouth.
9. Duchess Gloriana XIV
Crossovers: Duck Soup (1933 movie by Paramount Pictures) and The Mouse That Roared (the Leonard Wibberley 1955 novel of an imaginary European country known as Grand Fenwick).
Author's Note: I first thought up Xander dressed up in that old-fashioned bedtime outfit and carrying out the mirror routine from the movie with his unknown challenger. Then I had to think up of how he got there. Well, the film was set in the invented 1930's country of Fredonia, but I wanted to put Xander somewhere else in the present day, so that led to him staying in the Buffyverse version of a much smaller and more peaceful Grand Fenwick. In the Wibberley novel and in other books, that Northern Alps country got into numerous zany incidents, starting with that tiny nation declaring war on the United States (they were dead broke, and figured that once they'd lost, their victor would pour in money and other aid to rebuild the economy. Hey, it worked for Germany after WWII with the Marshall Plan. Except in a series of unbelievable events, Grand Fenwick stole from their foe the ultimate weapon called the Q-Bomb. Which means, they won. Now what?).
The leader of that absurd country in the novels was a young woman named Duchess Gloriana XII. Apparently they like that name, so it was inevitable that Xander would meet and charm her currently-ruling granddaughter, Duchess Gloriana XIV.
10. Mary Batson
Crossover: Originally 1940's Fawcett Comics, now owned by DC Comics, and if you care, she's the pre-1985 version with the white costume.
Author's Note: Mary Batson is the twin sister of Billy Batson. Both were given vast powers by the wizard known as Shazam, and by speaking his name, the pair can transform themselves into superheroes with immense strength, speed, stamina, and other abilities. Billy changes from a teenage boy into a full-grown adult known as Captain Marvel in his red/gold leotard and the white cape, while the eighteen-year-old Mary Batson maintains her original appearance as Mary Marvel in her white and gold costume. One weakness for both of these costumed characters is that they need to say the name "Shazam!" to acquire their powers and defeat their foes, so they have to be ready to yell that odd word at any instant. Including the most inappropriate times.
A further complication is that their transformation occurs due to being hit by a mystical bolt of lightning sent to them by the wizard after hearing his name, which even if it's not as deadly as the natural version of that stupendous atmospheric discharge of electricity, anyone else close (make that very close) to that person who'd just ecstatically whooped something bizarre at the top of her lungs is not going to turn out to be all that thrilled. Such as one Xander Harris, whose teeth are now brightly glowing.
11. Anita Blake
Crossover: The Anita Blake novels (1993-present)
Author's Note: Any required information for this ficlet is presented in my story "Help! I'm Being Held Prisoner In The Anitaverse!" presented elsewhere here.
12. Nyota Uhura
Crossover: Another *sigh*. Star Trek - The Original Series (1966-1969), if you must know.
Author's Note: For all the indignant mutters by feminists over those tight miniskirts worn by the female crewmembers during this sixties science fiction show, including Nyota Uhura, chief communications officer of the starship Enterprise, it's the guys on that tv series who should be complaining. After all, that gorgeous black woman can wear her red dress in perfect safety and survive not only throughout the entire show but also the following movies, but if any lower ranking crewman wears that specific color anywhere on his body, there's a 99% or better chance he won't live past the first commercial break. How come no redshirt character ever proposed a mutiny, or at least another freakin' shade or tint for their clothes?
The "tribble" is from that classic episode "The Trouble With Tribbles", which presents these creatures as a featureless globe of fur that happily purrs around its owner, doesn't make any kind of mess, and whose only drawback is that they're born pregnant. Which means if you feed them too much, they'll breed like…well, tribbles. In that installment, Uhura is shown as having one of those critters as a pet, and there's nothing ever said that she gave the little furball up, so I wrote it in the ficlet.
13. Murphy Brown
Crossover: Murphy Brown (1988-1998)
Author's Note: In this tv series named after the main character, Murphy is a recovering alcoholic and ex-smoker who's very good at her newswoman and investigative reporter work. Her personal life could use some improvement, what with her abrasive personality and obsessive need for control, but she manages to stay relatively sane, compared to her friends at work who carpool together, including her fellow reporter Frank Fontana, stuffy anchor Jim Dial, and ditzy Corky Sherwood scheming to take Murphy's place on their television newsmagazine. In her exhaustive pursuit of the next story, Murphy goes through personal secretaries like she used to go through cigarettes, burning them down to the merest stub and tossing them to the ground, to then be viciously stubbed out under a spiked heel. This has led to the desperate office pool sending her those eccentric people who can't find anyone else to hire them. Murphy doesn't care; as long as they can do the job and don't touch her Emmys, she'll load them up with a staggering workload and yell at them like she does everyone else.
14. Polly Sherman
Crossover: Fawlty Towers (1975)
Author's Note: Basil Fawlty is the proud owner and manager of the modestly named Fawlty Towers in fair Torquay, and his life would be absolutely perfect if it wasn't for little things like guests. And staff. And his wife. And everyone else in the entire world who insists upon inconveniencing this Englishman. What makes it even more irritating is that nobody pays any attention whatsoever to that short-fused man about to have a nervous breakdown at any moment.
That strange man in the eyepatch had looked most suspicious to Basil right from the get-go, and it didn't help at all that he was a foreigner. A bally colonial from those jumped-up people across the pond. Naturally, Mr. Harris (Ah-hah! Much more imaginative than Smith or Jones, but this bears watching.) had no idea whatsoever of proper manners, coming in and out of his hotel at all times of the day and night, like he had a perfect right to do such a thing. Well, enough of this. He was going up to that bloke's room and give him a piece of his mind. Now, where was Polly to take over the desk? Blast that girl! She never seemed to be around when needed!
Five minutes later, just as Xander had dragged by his ankles an unconscious Basil out into the hotel corridor, the irritated American heard from behind himself a puzzled, "¿Qué?"
"Oh, great," groaned Xander to himself, as he dropped to the floor the limp legs of the guy he'd just punched out, and started to turn to face whoever had said that.
*Okay, hopefully they know what this guy's like and they'll give me a medal for thumping him.*
Crossover: Psycho (novel by Robert Bloch and film by Alfred Hitchcock, with music by Bernard Herrmann)
Author's Note: If you like creepy lodging places, the Bates Motel has to be in the top ten. The Buffyverse location got even spookier when Xander Harris and Norman Bates met each other, with accompanying surprises for the duo. Norman got to see actual magic, an experience that undoubtedly didn't do a thing for his fragile mental state, and Xander was forced to witness at close range a guy dressed up in a elderly woman's dress and wearing a white wig, all as a result of that man assuming his dead mother's personality.
16. Jennifer Walters
Crossover: Marvel Comics Universe
Author's Note: Bruce Banner once provided a blood transfusion for his cousin Jennifer Walters, which also accidentally transferred a portion of his Hulk powers to her, winding up with that woman growing taller, gaining a hundred pounds of sheer muscle, and having her hair and skin turn bright green. Incredibly enough, Jennifer actually liked what she'd become, glorying in her strength and durability. It didn't hurt at all that she was now a truly smokin' babe, happily dubbing herself 'She-Hulk'.
This cheerful mood has lasted throughout that green woman's superhero career. Unlike others of their community, Jennifer declines to wallow in angst, instead possessing an actual sense of humor and enjoying whatever zaniness occurs in her life. Case in point: A team-up with a brave one-eyed man ends up with him stark naked and enduring a seven-foot-tall emerald female having an attack of the giggles, until she solved his ludicrous dilemma with an offer he couldn't think of any way to least Xander remembered to turn inside out her thong before he wore it.
17. Cassandra Cain
Crossover: DC Comics universe, namely the Batman family.
Author's Note: This young woman is another example of a comics character created with an interesting premise, only to fall into the hands of writers who can't think of anything else to do with her except to basically screw up her life. If anybody needs to be retconned, it's Cassandra. The daughter of assassins, a little girl was brought up to never speak at all, instead putting all her efforts into learning multiple martial arts to effortlessly kill her targets, only to learn, after her first victim died at her hands when she was just eight years old, about how final death really is. She ran away and lived her mute life on her own for nearly a decade, eventually meeting the Batman in Gotham City, who agreed to bring her under his wing after learning Cassandra's desperate seeking for atonement for her acts. A short time later, Cassandra became the second Batgirl, which is when she meets Xander Harris during his battle against an evil wizard and uses her enhanced abilities to read his body language, finding out he's a genuinely kind and caring man. He'll do for her first.
18. Melinda Gordon
Crossover: The Ghost Whisperer (2005-2010)
Author's Notes: Ever since she was a little girl, Melinda can talk to the dead, and as she grew up, the young woman tried to help these ghosts accomplish whatever purpose that's keeping them from going onto their rest. She expected the usual thing from the latest spirit to visit her, who looked like he hadn't survived high school, such as a last conversation with his parents, or some sort of reunion with a girlfriend who'd outlived him (assuming he ever had one; this teenager still maintained a certain geeky personality despite being deceased, which during his earlier life wouldn't have been all that attractive to his female classmates).
Melinda had been too polite to mention her feelings about that right from the start, and when the ghost explained exactly what needed to be done during their encounter with a certain man, at that point she was really taken aback.
"You want me to do WHAT? Why on earth should I?"
"If you agree, I'll tell you about a bunch of people who can help you. They won't think you're nuts if you talk to them, and afterwards, the Scoobies, or what's left of them, can give you some honest advice and lend a hand when you really need it. But, I can't contact them directly. They've had some nasty experiences with, um, the unliving, and Xan and the rest of the guys will exorcise me in a second if I ever show my face around them. Which is why I came up with this, to finally tell my best friend I forgive him. When he thinks it over, he'll buy it, 'cause it's something only I would do…well, he'd do it to me, if it was the other way around."
"If you say so. All…right, I'll do it, if I'm sure I won't get hurt."
"Hey, Xan wouldn't ever hurt a girl if he could possibly help it. The only thing you need to watch out for are the Slayers."
"Huh. I never thought after so many times hearing it, that I'd ever be the one to deliver it… Okay, here goes: 'The world is older than you know-'".
19. Maggie O'Connell
Crossover: Northern Exposure (1990-1995)
Author's Notes: In this tv series' first episode, newly-created Doctor Joel Fleischman, who thinks of himself as both a Jew and a native New Yorker in equal measure, is glumly contemplating having to pay off his student loans by working for the state of Alaska for the next couple of years. Until, to his horror, he learns that rather than being a physician in Anchorage, which is at least some kind of city, his job contract was brought up by Maurice Minnifield, a former NASA astronaut, who's decided his current address of Cicely ("The Alaskan Riveria") should have a doctor of its very own.
Joel's dejection over his current travails only deepens when he then finds himself in a blink-and-you'll-miss-it small town waaaay out in the Alaskan wilderness that's home to just a couple of hundred people, each and every one of them some kind of oddball or weird character.
Marilyn Whirlwind, a Native American who somehow appointed herself his secretary without the young doctor having any kind of say about the entire matter.
Ed Chigliak, a cheerful guy Joel's age obsessed with film and yearning for Hollywood.
Holling Vincoeur, owner of the Brick, the local bar, who maintains he's middle aged despite being in his late sixties ("Vincoeurs have the tendency to live past a hundred and twenty.") Considering he's married to a pretty girl almost fifty years younger than him and has no trouble keeping up with her in bed, that man just might be right.
During his continual scheming to somehow get out of his contract and return to New York City, Joel is distracted only by the eye-catching, very stubborn Maggie O'Connell, a gorgeous young woman who runs the local plane service. Standoffish and regarding the new doctor with a mixture of dry amusement and idle contempt, Maggie insists to everyone that her series of departed boyfriends, who all managed to perish in truly bizarre ways (one got hit directly by a falling satellite), is something that could have happened to anyone, so quit spreading around the town such stupid rumors as the "O'Connell Curse."
Nevertheless, when that female bush pilot dates a new guy, a man with one eye and a story of taking a few weeks off from his job as a handyman at a private school for scholarship girls, the entire community puts down their money on how long he'll last, and how much it'll hurt.
20. Emma Peel
Crossover: The Avengers (1961 - 1969)
Author's Note: Yes, it's the very same "A Touch Of Brimstone" episode where Diana Rigg comes out in her dominatrix outfit with the spiked collar and the live snake, which caused millions of male adolescents in Britain and America back in the sixties declare to themselves, "Today, I am a man!"
It looks like Andrew had his own take on that memorable installment of the series.
21. Allison DuBois (fictional character, not the one in real life)
Crossover: Medium (2005-present)
Author's Note: In her sleep, a woman has dreams and visions of events happening in the past, present, and future. These range from being absolutely accurate and understandable to having the strong possibility of error when trying to figure out vague and obscure clues shown by her extraordinary gift. It only increases the pressure for Allison DuBois when she knows her forecasting ability might be the only thing to prevent a murderer or some other evil person from succeeding in their wrongdoing.
At the same time, Allison has to juggle a personal life that includes a husband who knows and accepts her talent, and her trio of daughters, all who inherited this same ability.