Author's Note: As you all know by now, we are in full swing on the Profiler's Choice Awards hosted on "Chit Chat on Author's Corner". And we'd like to offer an extra incentive to get those nominations rolling in. For the next five people to complete the nomination ballot in its entirety, I would be happy to write a oneshot of your pairing preference (hetero, slash or femslash, doesn't matter!). We have an abundance of incredible stories and authors to choose from this year and we have already received many wonderful nominations. Just to refresh your memory though, tonnie2001969 and myself (ilovetvalot) have removed ourselves from eligibility in the interest of avoiding all appearances of self-promotion. But, we want to make this an incredible experience for each one of you and give you a well-rounded final voting selection to choose from. So let's all put on our reading caps and pick our favorites!

Also, don't forget to sign up for our newest challenge at the forum. We're honoring Halloween with our first ever "Candy Land Challenge" and signups run through September 30th! Details are at the forum!

We also have a great new interview with another fellow CM author this week. Come and get to know THUNDERBRAT.

As always, guys, Happy Reading!

Penelope Garcia's Guide to Guys and Gals

Prompts: county fair, candy floss, and a cowboy hat

Striding into the BAU bullpen, Penelope Garcia's mission was clear: Abduct one Spencer Reid from his cluttered desk and prepare him for the date JJ had arranged for him the following night.

Easy peasy, right?

Emily and Morgan had both shaken their heads when she'd volunteered for the covert operation, saying it could never be accomplished successfully. Since she was never a chica that could turn her back on a worthy challenge, she'd thrown herself into the clandestine assignment with her typical zest.

Damn the torpedoes…full speed ahead!

She had it all worked out, she thought happily, a satisfied smile playing against her lips as she spotted her prey slumped over his desk, pouring over one of his research manuals.

"Calling Spencer Reid," she chirped happily, marching toward the poor unsuspecting man. She'd spotted her mark...and her prey looked alarmed.

"Garcia!" Reid started, his body jerking upright as he spotted the unique woman that good heartedly terrorized each member of their team on a rotating basis. Glancing around the almost empty bullpen, he added, cautiously, "I thought you'd left for the weekend."

"Oh, no, no, no, my sweet baby genius," Garcia shook her head. "I'm here to kidnap you," she said cheerfully.

"Kidnap me?" Reid echoed warily, his eyes narrowing on the entirely too enthusiastic face of their technical analyst. He had seen that look before….on maniacal serial killers before they took one last victim.

"Uh huh," Garcia confirmed. "You and I, sir, have a class to attend together. It's called Penelope Garcia's Guide to Guys and Gals. You need to complete the course before your date tomorrow night."

"Uhmmm, Garcia," Reid began doubtfully, pushing his chair back as he attempted to place some distance between him and the woman who was obviously intent on terrorizing him.

"Uh uh uh," Garcia shook her head, wagging a finger underneath the profiler's nose, "No one says no to the Diva of Delight. Besides, you're lucky. I'm starting your class with a field trip. How many of my students can say that?" she asked.

"I have no idea," Reid murmured, beginning to realize that resistance was definitely futile.

"None! That's how many. Now, come on, grab your coat, slow poke," Garcia ordered, gesturing at the jacket Reid had draped over the back of his chair.

Slowly rising and sliding on the jacket, Reid shot Garcia a suspicious glance. "Where exactly are you taking me, Penelope?"

"You, my feckless friend, are taking me on a mock date in preparation for tomorrow night's festivities. The county fair is in town!" she informed him excitedly, bouncing on her heels in anticipation.

"A fair?" Reid grimaced, following Garcia onto the elevator reluctantly. "Garcia...," he whined.

"Lesson numero uno," Garcia stated, lifting one finger and pushing the down button on the elevator. "The chick always chooses the first date's location. And this chick," she grinned, winking at Reid, "chooses the county fair." Seeing Reid's less than enthusiastic face stiffen, she chided, "Relax, compadre, I'll even let you drive Esther tonight," she told him as the doors slid shut.

Half an hour later, Spencer Reid carefully navigated Penelope Garcia's behemoth of a vehicle into the overcrowded field that the fair had commandeered as a parking lot. "This place is packed," Reid breathed, looking around the milling hordes of fair goers. Swallowing hard, he began, "Are you sure this is what..."

"Rule Two, my clueless comrade, do not question your escort's reasons for her choice of dating destination. She might choose the location based on her comfort level, based on the recommendation of a friend, or in MY case," Penelope revealed, pressing a hand to her ample chest, "because she just freaking thinks fairs ROCK!"

"Ooookkkkayyy!" Reid muttered under his breath, pushing open the creaking car door and stepping out. He'd only made it a few steps away when he realized he was walking alone. "Penelope?" he called, turning and spying her sitting in her aged two door convertible, filing her nails. Double timing it back to the vehicle, he frowned in her open window.

"Rule Two," Pen recited patiently from her bucket seat, not looking up at the hapless genius, "always open your date's car door for her."

"Why?" Reid asked, confused as he stared down at Garcia's obviously capable hands. "As far as I know, any date I have would have would be in possession of four working limbs."

Sighing as she turned to face him, Penelope replied sweetly, "Because it's gentlemanly, Dr. Reid. Above all, a lady wishes to be in the company of a gentleman at all times." Pausing as she plucked her white cowboy hat from the back seat of the car, she amended, "Well, most times. She'll let you know when she doesn't want the gentleman anymore," she explained with a wink, perching the hat on her head jauntily as she stepped out into the open air. "Offer me your arm, Dr. Reid," she ordered patiently.

"For what?" Reid questioned, shaking his head in confusion as he stared down at his sleeve, wondering if there was something wrong with his choice of clothing.

"Because it's the gentlemanly thing to do," Garcia explained, grabbing Reid's arm with her hand and quickly linking their arms together. "It's also a delightful way of keeping your sweetheart close to you."

"But I don't have a sweetheart," Reid moaned as Penelope dragged him toward the ticket stand, the brightly colored displays already contributing to his growing headache.

"And you never will with that attitude," Garcia replied sternly. "Pay attention, my little chickadee, I'm imparting very prudent pearls of perception here. "If you want to make your gal feel special, you must treat her like she's special. Putting your arm around her is just an extension of that."

"Is this supposed to be so complicated?" Reid asked anxiously.

"Always," Garcia nodded, pulling his hesitant body along in her wake. "That's part of the fun!"

Author's Note 2 - Also guys, please don't forget that if you'd like to advertise the awards on your own profile pages or stories, there's a short blurb on my (ilovetvalot) and Tonnie's (tonnie2001969) profile page for you to copy and paste if you choose! Thanks again for reading!