Author: BatRocha PM
"OK, For some odd reason Edward and Bella aren't together anymore, normally it wouldn't bother me if Edward didn't come to ask me for dating advice. Man, what a bother." OC Ricky, and no there's no romance between her and Edward.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Edward & Jacob - Words: 1,271 - Published: 09-21-10 - id: 6342576
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Hi, this is a birthday present for my friend, since I couldnt go to a party, buy her a present or even give her one if I wanted too, I'm giving her this.
It's my first time working on some odd parody, so it won't make sense, at all, and I have one of my characters in here.
I guess you could say I was having a pleasant morning, until that stupid Cullen came to my desk and asked me for a favor. Wanna take a guess what that favor was.
Ask me out to a date?
Get dating advice?
If you picked A, you've really gone off the deep end because there is absolutely no way I would even consider dating that guy, and he knows, since he loathes me too, notice I didn't say hate. If you picked B, you would be half correct, since Cullen never takes notes, but the thing is that git doesn't need notes. And yes, it pisses me off, wouldn't you. Now if you picked C, you were correct, of course, I'm scared for my life now. Why, because, Cullen getting dating advice from me was on my list of things to look out for when the worlds coming to an end. Maybe I'll bring an umbrella tomorrow; the world might end with an asteroid crashing to earth. You never know, it might help.
"Cullen, you dying, if you are, can I come to your funeral, I wanna celebrate the day I don't have to see your face again." I said, going back to my book.
"I'm being serious."
I yawned loudly, ignoring Cullen's glare. "Alright, I'll humor you, who exactly is this girl you want to seduce?"
I stared at him for five minutes, and then took out my cell phone.
"What are you doing?"
The phone started ringing, until I heard the sound of Alice's voice. (It was after school, never text, or call during class kids.)
"Hello, Alice speaking."
"Yeah, Alice, this is Ricky, does Cullen have some sort of illness that I should know about, Cause I want to bring flowers for his funeral, perhaps daises, what do you think Alice?"
Before Alice could answer, Cullen yanked the phone out of my hand throwing it out the window.
"You know that costs 69.99."
"No it doesn't, you told the entire class it was free."
"Yes, but you see, in my heart, it cost's 69.99, moral value, you know that kind of thing, now cough it up."
"I don't have time for this." He started to leave.
"Hold your horses, oh great cheapskate. I'll help you, but I won't do it for free."
"What do you want?" He asked, placing his hand on his forehead, rubbing it profusely.
"It's simple really, for the years to come; I get to humiliate you in any form that I choose." I said, my expression changing drastically to one of indifference, to a cynical smile. "I'll start now, where's that emo chick, is it possible that she finally figured out that…"
I yawned, already getting bored with the conversation; after all, the guy was showing too much guilt to be funny. I hate depressing people, and this guy is the very description of depressing.
"Whatever, I don't care, besides I have no interest in what you do beyond this school, well actually, I would like to know if you guys were 'knockin boots'."
He looked at me oddly, obviously confused.
"The one that rhymes with duck, shag, nailed each other or just plain out-"
"Shut up already! I get it, and NO, we didn't."
He was blushing by now; this is what I was talking about, classic humiliation. (And kids those words mean that they were….um, that they were getting their carpet cleaned with boots, ducks, and nails, yep.)
I wrote it down on the book I was reading. What! Do you know how much true gossip cost's, its way better than selling fake gossip, PS I started the rumor that Edward was a Trans at night. I mean that picture of Cullen in a maid dress is very convincing, best Photoshop project I've ever done.
"Anyway Cullen, back to more important matters, why did you ask me, don't you have an entire incest family that can teach you how to seduce. I mean come on; when a person marries their own brother or sister they have to be good at doing romance."
He glared at me for an instant, but I didn't really care, I mean what kind of loather would I be if I cared every single time he glared at me. Oh, the guilt's killing me, not.
"That rumor isn't true."
I blinked a few times, since I knew it wasn't true. I mean, you should see how these people look at each other in class. It's like me and my favorite yogurt; you can't keep us apart for long, which reminds me I really want some, stupid Cullen and his drama cutting into my drinking yogurt time. I have better things to do with my time, like pranking the football team, drinking my yogurt, keeping the rumor of Cullen as a Trans alive, as you can see they're very important activities.
"Would you quit it?" Cullen said suddenly.
"Quit what? Whatever, the point is why me, and I'm sure it isn't because of my charm."
He took a moment to look into my eyes. "From what I hear, you're good at this kind of thing."
Hmmm, now where did he hear a silly rumor like that? The only time I remember doing that kind of thing was with….oh no.
"Well that was only a onetime thing, besides I didn't have a choice."
"You had a 100% succession rate."
Man, I really don't want to start this again. You see, I was forced against my will to do a job. A horrible job that made me do…work for free. It was so horrible, and to top it off I had to play matchmaker, like Hitch you know. And just to let you know it wasn't my idea, it was some club that made me pay off a debt, don't ask what I broke, cause that information was sealed by a judge. You know legal business, strictly hush hush. The thing is, so was the fact that I was even helping that club with its- meddling, I think that's the perfect word.
"Fine, I've already agreed to help you, but know this Cullen, you have to follow exactly what I say no matter what. Now first of all, I need you to do something important that will help you with your mission."
"Go get me some YOGURT!"
Didn't make any sense at all did it, sorry about any grammatical errors. If anything was really inconsistent with the story, well other than the Bella part, it's because I've never read, or watched the movie. I tried reading the book and made it to the part with chemistry before I got bored. Sorry, just my opinion, but since most of friends like it I made this, I would have done Pokemon, or even Yu-Gi-oh but then I remembered the birthday girl isn't as close to the stories as I am. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!