Investigation: Titanic – CSI Style

A/N: What would happen if the Titanic sank in present day? Who would investigate it? Our Las Vegas CSIs would of course! The CSIs from the original show have been called to New York to investigate the sinking, gather evidence as well as interview the ship's passengers, crew and yes, even the iceberg gets interviewed and fingerprinted before the investigation can wrap up.

This silly little thing came to me when I was watching Trauma on DVD last night. It'll combine some humor as well as interjected parts from You Kill Me and a whole plethora of guest stars in cameo roles. Hope y'all like it.

[Sara, Warrick, Nick, Greg, Catherine, Brass, Mandy, Archie, Wendy, Detective Vega, Doc Robbins, David Phillips and David Hodges are in the conference room at the lab. Grissom comes in with case files and starts to distribute them out to everyone]

Grissom: Tonight, we have a special request. Since that guy that played Lieutenant Dan and that chick from Providence that are in the New York show are both busy, we've all been called to investigate the sinking of the Titanic. We're heading to New York City.

Catherine: Didn't that ship sink, oh, like a hundred years ago?

Grissom: It did. This is FanFiction. You know? The internet site where fans can write fictional versions of movies and crap.

Sara: Yeah, I think I've heard of that site. Most of the ones written about me are about Grissom and me getting married.

Nick: Lucky you. In all the stories I see about me, I'm gay and Greg is my lover.

Greg [chokes on his water]: Do what?

Nick: My thoughts exactly. You aren't my type, Greg.

Grissom: Anyway, in real life, the ship did sink in 1912, but this is fiction. The writer changed it since we couldn't do cool stuff like run DNA or analyze fingerprints almost a hundred years ago. [Turns to Mandy, Wendy and Hodges] And you three would have to stay behind.

Mandy, Wendy and Hodges [in unison]: Bummer.

Nick: And in real life or on the show, I'm not gay. I even said so in a Tweet on my Twitter account.

Greg: Neither am I.

Grissom: Fine. Neither of you are pansies. So is that all? Can we go to New York now?

Sara: New York? I don't like New York.

Archie: The Big Apple!

Nick: But Lieutenant Dan! You ain't got no legs!

Brass: The Statue of Liberty!

Vega: There better not be any detective hotter than I am!

Greg: Central Park!

Catherine: FAO Schwartz!

Wendy: Macy's!

Mandy: Nine West!

Doc Robbins: Broadway!

David Phillips: Radio City Music Hall!

Hodges: Figure skating!

Everyone: …

Hodges: Uh, the New York Rangers?

Wendy: Much better.

Catherine: What about the rest of the cast of that New York show? Are they busy?

Warrick [looks up from the case file Grissom handed out]: That show has more than two actors?

Brass: There's a New York CSI show?

Greg: I didn't know that. My grandpa Olaf was right. You can learn something new every day.

Detective Vega: Is the lead detective as handsome as I am?

Sara: I don't know. I've never watched it before.

Grissom [looking confused]: I haven't either. I've just heard about it. [Yells off screen to production crew] Can someone call Jerry Bruckheimer and find out for sure if there really are more than two actors in that show or is Ashton Kutcher here and we're being punk'd? [Turns back to everyone in the room] I guess I was the only one that knew there was a New York show since I had that cameo role and all there. [Stands up and dramatically pushes chair in while ominous music plays] Pack your bags and your SCUBA gear. We're heading to the middle of the north Atlantic. Dress warmly. It's quite cold out. [Almost as an afterthought, he turns to his team] Oh, can everyone swim?

Catherine [cringes]: Guess this is a bad time to mention I've got hydrophobia. Anyone know how can I get myself fired right now?

Greg [excitedly]: Does this mean…I now have a reason to wear latex and no one can yell at me?

Everyone: [Groans]

Greg: I call shotgun on the plane! [Runs out of the room towards the lockers]

Archie: You rode shotgun last time! [Chases off after Greg]

Catherine: I still hate water. What about that other guy? The one from Florida?

Nick: Is that show still even on?

Sara: Didn't Catherine meet him once with Brass?

Catherine: I did?

Brass: Who?

Vega: Huh?

Grissom: He has a clause in his contract. Because of it, he won't go.

Warrick: Contract?

Grissom: Yeah. He won't have an excuse to wear his sunglasses where we're going. It's in his contract that he's required to wear sunglasses at all times.

Nick: Seeing as how most of that *other* CSI show is made up of dramatic music and him yanking off his sunglasses during tense moments while ominous theme music plays in the background, it won't work. We're the real CSI show. The original one. The better one. Our moves are purely for dramatic reasons and we don't need shiny sunglasses and ominous theme music. [Thinks for a moment as ominous theme music plays in the background] But it does help the mood of the situation. You have to admit that.

Grissom: Discovery Channel, right?

Nick [groans]: No!

Hodges: I want sunglasses!

Catherine: Well. [Intense dramatic background music starts getting louder] Never thought if it that way. [Music continues to play on] Does kinda help doesn't it?

Grissom: Let's go.

[Two hours later at the airport. The CSIs are waiting to board a plane alongside Captain Brass, David Phillips, Hodges, Doc Robbins, Wendy, Archie, Mandy and Detective Vega.]

Brass: We're on our way to the north Atlantic. Here's the game plan. We'll arrive in New York and head to the docks. Dive teams are working on getting the ship above water now using a method that is highly experimental, but we're on a budget and we only have forty four minutes of airtime.

David Phillips: How experimental?

Vega: Hydrogen?

Nick: Helium?

Grissom: Hydrolic lifts?

Doc Robbins: A large crane?

Wendy: The Jolly Green Giant?

Archie: David Caruso's ego?

Jerry Bruckheimer [steps out from behind the camera]: Good one! [High fives Archie before returning behind the camera and taking a seat in his creator's throne.]

Catherine: Shamu?

Greg: Dog sled?

Warrick: The Budweiser Clydesdales?

Hodges: Fairy dust?

Everyone: …

Brass: Fairy dust?

Hodges: It made Tinkerbell fly.

Everyone: …

Mandy: I say we go with Hodges's idea. Fairy dust.

Brass: I'll give everyone a hint. The Mythbusters are involved.

Greg: Who?

Brass [turns to Nick] Come on. Nick, I know you know who the Mythbusters are. You watch the Discovery Channel. That's how you sound so smart.

Nick: Truculence!

Brass: Oh, come on. They were in that scene where you set that shirt on fire with the mace and the stun gun.

Nick: Oh wait a minute. I remember now. Are they gonna blow it up?

Warrick: Oh, like that cement truck?

Brass: No. [Shakes head] The episode where they used ping pong balls to lift the sunken ship up? [Crickets chirping] Was I the only one who saw that episode where they sank a boat that they called the MythTanic then they raised the ship with ping pong balls? [Tumbleweed blows by as a hawk screeches] Anyone?

Everyone: …

Brass: Never mind. [Shakes head] Anyway, once it's floating, it'll be taken to a really big warehouse and you all can start your investigations there.

Warrick: No wonder that guy from Florida couldn't come. We're gonna be inside and this isn't a Corey Hart video.

Greg: Wasn't he a member of the Back Street Boys?

Warrick: The Who?

Grissom: Pete Townsend?

Catherine: Huh?

Nick: It's the guy that sings our theme song.

Catherine: I never knew his name until now.

[End scene as everyone boards plane]

A/N: Again, this is a silly little story. There will be more chapters coming along with a particular slew of guest stars. If anyone has anyone they want to see in this story, leave your character choice in the review or PM me thru Fan Fiction.