Author: JoeMerl PM
"It's completely illogical!" she said. "Illogical? Oh, senorita," he whispered, chuckling softly, "have you honestly forgotten who it is we are parts of?" Surprise crack pairing, one-shot.Rated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Humor - Izzy - Words: 1,719 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 2 - Published: 10-16-10 - Status: Complete - id: 6403931
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Author's Notes: My 75th fanfic! Wow, almost to the big three digits. Meanwhile, I'm way behind on homework and don't even have a topic for a big Journalism due a week from Monday. I...waste too much of my time doing this, don't I? :-(
Anyway, it's the last day of Crack and Fanon Week, and anything goes! Hence, you all get to read this really weird idea. ;-D I was debating whether this should be its own one-shot or a "Total Drama Interactions" chapter, but among other things I figured this might not count as two characters interacting anyway...sort of. O_O I hope you enjoy!
Brainzilla walked purposefully through the twisted maze that was Izzy's mind, passing her fellow personae as she went.
"Greetings, Mental Construct Commonly Known as Esquire."
"Greetings, Mental Construct Commonly Known as Kaleidoscope."
"Greetings, Mental Construct Commonly Known as Gangstalicious Iz. And I might I add that your bling is looking particularly shiny today."
"Ah, for shizz, yo!"
Her face remained calm and stoic as she greeted them, while they all smiled and laughed and hopped past her, most heading in the opposite direction. A few tried to engage her in idle chitchat, but Brainzilla did her best to tactfully dissuade them; it would have been illogical, wasting time on such unimportant pursuits when she had so much to do and learn. Besides, most of these others had differing interests than she did at the moment—they were mostly heading outward, vying for a place in Izzy's consciousness, while she was headed inward, deeper into the brain.
Izzy's mind was always difficult to navigate, especially since everything was prone alter itself, disappear or gain sudden booby traps out of nowhere. It could be particularly annoying for Brainzilla; for all her vast intelligence, she could not discern any sort of pattern to these changes, while other mental constructs seemed to have some sort of intuitive ability to at least half-guess what was going on at any given time. Nevertheless she eventually she found her destination: the Library, a vast marble chamber filled with thousands and thousands of precious, informative books. This was the main store of Izzy's knowledge, and massive but woefully-underused part of her brain that the other personalities would sometimes raid for their own construction but otherwise mostly ignored. Only she seemed to really appreciate its value.
Ah well. All the better, really; she would rather be alone.
Brainzilla collected a large stack of tomes on subjects ranging from Armenian History to particle physics to Russian architecture to medieval torture devices (Izzy's mind had a lot of books dedicated to the latter). She settled herself at an empty table, arranging the books in large stacks around her. She had an efficient studying pattern, time dedicated to each subject, with short periodic breaks that were unfortunately necessary to keep her mental prowess at its maximum efficiency.
She had just bent down over her first lesson (A Biological Analysis of North African Dung Beetles) when suddenly, a huge explosion rocked the building. Brainzilla jumped, glasses going askew as several books fell from the huge piles around her—she barely had time to look up when the progenitor of the blast flew by, slamming into the nearest bookshelf and falling with about a dozen tomes into a pile on the floor.
After a moment, the figure's head popped out of the pile, grinning insanely. "Oh, ay caramba!" he said, laughing to himself. "That one was bigger than I expected, eh? Next time, I should—" Another book fell from the shelf, conking him on the head. "Ow! Heh-heh, impresionante."
Suddenly he turned, and seemed to just now notice he wasn't alone in the room. His grin widened. "Ah! Senorita Brainzilla!" he gasped. He pulled himself out of the pile and brushed himself off, all the whole giving her a lecherous look. "Muy glad to see you here, eh?"
Brainzilla turned away, looking even haughtier than usual. "Greetings, Mental Construct Commonly Known as Explosivo," she said, her tone guarded. "You're looking well," she added, which was a lie.
"Ah, si, si, and you too. As always."
She turned back to him coolly. He was less apparently Izzy-like than most of the other personalities—short and stocky, with swarthy skin, though he retained the same frizzy red hair that most of them had, standing up at all angles around his head. His clothes were constantly tattered and burned, and he wore a bicorne hat for some reason, even though he was clearly supposed to be Latino—shouldn't it have been a sombrero or something? She supposed it could have something to do with Napoleon III's 1864 conquest of Mexico through the puppet emperor Maximilian I, but when asked Explosivo would only ever give a "Napoleon BLOWN-APART!" pun.
"My appearance is irrelevant, thank you," she said crisply, giving him a look. "And I would appreciate it if you did not encroach upon my studies with your intrusive and childlike antics. Furthermore, you threaten to do massive damage to this Library's contents, possibly causing irreparable brain damage to our host in the process."
"Heh-heh, but you know I cannot help it! Explosivo is LOCO for boom-boom!"
"Nevertheless you should take the time to consider the consequences of your actions."
"Oh, but you used to like my boom-boom, did you not?"
Brainzilla blushed, then quickly looked away again, trying to focus back on her book. Explosivo frowned, then took a few steps forward, reaching out to pet her hair. Brainzilla winced, eyes going wide behind her glasses.
"Please stop that, Explosivo."
"Oh...senorita, why must you be like that?" he whined, continuing to stroke her red hair. "You used to like Explosivo so. What did Explosivo do to make Senorita Brainzilla hate him now?"
"It's not—it's not a matter of 'hate,'" Brainzilla stammered, her impressive mind racing wildly, unable to focus as Explosivo's hand continued to stroke down her head. "It's just—our relationship would never have worked. It was...illogical."
"Si—I mean, yes. Affirmative."
Explosivo smirked to himself, and this time his fingers paused to hook in her scrunchy, sliding it off so that her hair bun fell apart into long, curly red locks. Brainzilla's shoulders tensed, and Explosivo began to rub them, leaning down to whisper in her ear. "Explosivo loves it when Senorita Brainzilla puts her hair down."
"I—I must ask you to desist! This behavior is entirely inappropriate."
"Ooh, Explosivo loves it even more when Senorita Brainzilla uses the big words. Muy atractiva," he sighed. He continued to rub her shoulders, and despite herself Brainzilla couldn't help but feel her muscles relax under his touch. She closed her eyes, breathing deeply.
"Oh...how can someone who's constantly trying to destroy this world have such soft and gentle hands?" she whimpered.
"Oh, well, the bombs Explosivo uses require a delicate touch, mi amor. They must not blow up too early, after all!"
Brainzilla started—had she really spoken out loud? She had only meant to think that-—though of course, when you were a thought the line could be a little blurry at times.
"Please—please stop, Explosivo."
"Explosivo will stop if Senorita Brainzilla asks him to. But does Senorita Brainzilla really want Explosivo to stop? Isn't she enjoying herself?"
Brainzilla's mind raced—she was losing control, unable to think straight, oh, why did Explosivo always do this to her, it was so—crazy, crazy just like him! And what was worse, he always seemed to get smarter when he was around her, more clever and coherent—that wasn't so odd, really, they were parts of the same mind after all, but how could she stand it, his vampiric ability to draw her intellect away from her and leave her so weak and foolish?
"I—I enjoy reading!" she stammered, desperate. "I enjoy knowledge! I do not enjoy—these—sorts of things, I enjoy peace and quiet alone in my Library! Now why don't you just go—go do something you enjoy, like playing with some fireworks or something? !" she screamed, trying to pull away from him; his fingers stopped their massaging, but remained on her shoulders, tightly clasped.
"Oh? You think Explosivo should go do the fireworks, then? Explosivo can do that!"
"Good! Then just go and-"
She was cut off as Explosivo spun her chair around, fell down on one knee, pulled her face toward him and kissed her on the lips.
Oh, it was fireworks, Brainzilla thought, her mind going fuzzy as she felt their lips slam together. Her mind exploded inside her, not with knowledge or facts like she was used to, but with emotions and feelings and passion—without thinking (she couldn't think) she pressed herself closer to him, grabbed his ashy tunic, breathing in the delicious aroma of gunpowder and sweat that hung in a halo around him—oh, she loved this, she didn't want to admit it but she did, it was just so amazing, she didn't want it to stop—
Explosivo drew away, smirking at her. Brainzilla blinked, her sight bleary, glasses slanted on her nose again—she steadied them, turned around, panting.
"This...this isn't right! We're all wrong for each other!"
"Al contrario, mi amor—we are the perfect balance!"
"I'm intelligence. You're—you're pure insanity! It's completely illogical!"
His hands brushed through her hair again, pulling it back so that he could kiss her neck. "Illogical? Oh, senorita," he whispered, chuckling softly, "have you honestly forgotten who it is we are parts of?"
She turned again, looking into his mad, beady eyes. He kissed her again, and once again Brainzilla's intelligence seemed to melt away, a terrifying and wonderful feeling.
This was so illogical.
But funnily enough, sometimes something that illogical could also make perfect sense.
A/N: Oh, the crackiness. XD Well I hope you enjoyed this insane pairing, and that everyone had a great Crack and Fanon Week! Already looking forward to next year. ;-) Until then, please review!