|The Smasher's Demise
Author: Razcoolzle PM
Forget Tabuu, the Primids, the Subspace. A new being that goes by the name, FANFIC AUTHOR, has arrived, and they won't stop until they've made every character horribly OOC. Read on for a prime example of the kind of damage wreaked by these new foes...Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Words: 2,721 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 2 - Published: 10-26-10 - Status: Complete - id: 6428270
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
If you didn't get it from the summary, this fic is basically a parody of the many stories on that force characters to act out of character, giving them ridiculous traits, making them act like idiots or simply making them say things that they would never, ever say. There are also a couple of plot clichés thrown in here, just for your added entertainment...
WARNING: The below statement (begins with 'One day', ends with 'in-character') is sarcasm. Please do not attempt to take this story seriously, or the horrible OOC-ness and sickening clichés to follow will destroy your soul. Enjoy!
One day, at Smash Mansion, everybody was one hundred percent in-character.
Take Mario for instance. He, and his absolutely HUGE, hulking backside, were sitting on the sofa. If one were to do an estimate, they would say that he had approximately seventeen Mega-Buckets filled entirely with battery chicken surrounding him, and was in the process of trying to figure out which bucket he should dip his chubby little sausage fingers into next. Then a thought hit him, and this really was a stroke of genius, seeing as he was one of the most pathetically stupid smashers in the mansion.
Maybe...just maybe, he had some other purpose in life than to sit on a sofa, consuming endless boxes of crap. He quickly discarded the thought and reached for the box of fried spaghetti to his left.
But then there came a plot twist. A plot twist so shocking, that nobody saw it coming.
Mario found that, as hard as he tried, his flabby arm just couldn't quite reach the other side of the sofa.
He started shaking, and once again thrust his arm out, sausage fingers stretching as far as their sausagy-ness (?) would allow them. Yet, the extreme effort proved fruitless. Mario sighed, reached to the right for his panic button, and pressed it.
Peach sped to his side in exactly two seconds flat. "What is it, dearest?"
Mario pointed to the box of fried spaghetti. "Want that."
Peach handed him the box. Mario snatched it, frowned, and threw it at her head, almost knocking her out in the process. "Don't want it any more. Want cake."
Despite being half unconscious, Peach sped into the kitchen and baked him a cake, and then sped back to him.
"Good female..." he said, patting her on the head before literally face-planting the cake. Once he'd scoffed the icing, he declared that he didn't want it any more, and knocked it over. Then he told her to lick it off the floor.
"Good," he said when she was finished (mainly because it was the only complimentary word in his vocabulary). "Now I want sex."
It was safe to say that this was enough. Peach, in under a second, was through the door and off down the hallway, screaming uncontrollably.
Meanwhile, Zelda and Samus were having a mature discussion in the kitchen.
"Omigosh have you like, SEEN, Link's chest?" Samus squealed.
"Well of course I have, Sammie, he's like, my total boyfriend and everything!" Zelda replied, giggling. "He rings me like, every five minutes to check that I'm not being raped by Wario or something."
Coincidentally, Zelda's cell phone (because of course they have them in Hyrule) went off. When she saw that, also coincidentally, it was her boyfriend, she immediately accepted the call.
"Hey babe," Came Link's deep, steamy voice. "Just checking that you're not being like, raped by Wario or anything."
"I'm fine honey!"
"Glad to hear it, my sexy little muffin."
Zelda giggled again.
"I know that you and Samus are completely incapable of defending yourselves from the many dangers of Smash Mansion, so I'm coming into the kitchen to protect you."
"Thanks for the warning, Linky babe!"
"No problem, honey bun. Be careful of those kitchen utensils, now," he told her, before hanging up.
Zelda and Samus quickly stood up and grabbed a hefty supply of paper napkins from the counter, ready to stifle nosebleeds when Link entered. Suddenly, the cardboard box that Samus had been sitting on tipped over, causing both she and Zelda to scream for help. Solid Snake, who had been underneath it the whole time, got up and grinned at Samus.
"Oh man, that was good," he muttered.
"What was good?" Samus snapped.
"Being that close to your ass."
"Ugh!" The bounty huntress squealed with annoyance. "Pervert!"
Snake grinned. "What are you going to do about it, bitch-slap me?"
Samus bitch-slapped him. He ran off crying.
Meanwhile, Ike was striding confidently down the hallway, muscular abs rippling underneath his manly blue tunic. Well, he was pretty sure they were rippling underneath his manly blue tunic, but he couldn't actually see them, so he wasn't sure. Wondering if this was a good enough excuse to take his top off, he hardly noticed Peach, thundering towards him at the speed of a modern Japanese train.
Only when he heard her screams, did he rush forward to cradle her in his muscular arms, and let her weep into his muscular shoulders. He put a muscular hand on her back and rubbed gently, whilst calming her with his muscular voice (?).
"Now now, it's OK. Just tell me what happened from the beginning and I'll go kick the crap out of the fool that started it."
"Hm. I knew that piece of lard would have something to do with this. You deserve someone far better than him. You deserve a bishie like me."
Marth suddenly appeared out of nowhere. "Did someone call for a bishie?"
"Where did you come from?" Ike questioned.
"I was just mopping the floor over there," Marth pointed to a random patch of floor behind Ike. "You see, because I'm slightly more feminine than the other male pretty boys around here, I automatically have craving for housework and cleanliness. If you want the simple answer, I was over there mopping because any one who is anywhere near female in Super Smash Brothers stories loves cleaning."
"Of course! I should have known," Ike exclaimed.
"Yes, you should have. Now, please may I have that woman you are holding?"
Ike raised an eyebrow. "What?"
"Give me Peach or die."
"Oh, so it's a bishie fight you want, eh? Final Destination, three thirty, be there. We'll see who gets Peach," Ike snarled, and, with an epic swish of his cape, turned and walked away. Marth did the same, leaving Peach in the middle of the hallway. She shrugged, picked up Marth's mop and bucket, and carried on cleaning the floor.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen...
Link strode confidently into the kitchen. "Hey girls. I'm here."
Samus and Zelda fainted from nosebleeds. Link picked both of them up at once using only his right hand, and placed them on the table, where they both recovered instantly.
"Link! I'm so happy that you're here!" Zelda cried with award-winning fangirlism. She sat up to try and hug him, but ended up falling over when he moved away. Instead he strode confidently over to the window.
"My my, isn't it a little...hot in here?" He asked seductively, whist he leaned forward to open the window. He stopped halfway. "Actually, I wouldn't want you girls catching a cold. Here's a better idea."
He whipped his tunic off, so quickly that the girls barely had time to faint again. He stared at them with a look of confusion. "Was it something I said?"
Meanwhile, Luigi was in some random closet having an emo moment.
Why am I alone? Why don't they understand me? Why does nobody care? A tear slowly trickled down the green-clad plumber's pale cheek. He sat, shivering, with his knees huddled up to his chest alone in the dark...
"WEEGEE!" Came his brother's thick, gangsta accent.
Luigi squealed as Mario violently opened the broom cupboard's door, the light that entered piercing his very soul.
"P...p...please...d...d..don't...hurt...me," Luigi cried softly, rocking backwards and forwards.
"Oh Luigi, you never learn do you? Two O' clock is 'hurt Luigi time'! Besides, that's all you're good for, right?"
"Y...yes...Master Mario," he sobbed as his brother dragged him out of the cupboard by his collar, uncaring about the fact that Luigi was dying from malnutrition already.
But then a metaphorical spark of hope set Luigi's broken soul alight again. He suddenly realised that he was worth something. Why should he have to stand up to Mario's abusive nature, when his jumps were higher? When his Brawl celebrations had more class? When he had a figure that didn't actually make you want to throw up when you looked at it?
It was time for Luigi, powered entirely by fanboyism, to kick his brother's podgy behind.
"Final Destination, three thirty, be there!" he suddenly announced.
"You want to fight, huh? Well that's too bad, because I'm going to win anyway!" Mario exclaimed snobbishly, before breaking out into a fit of evil laughter. "Hahaha! Prepare to die!"
Meanwhile, the reader threatened to sue the author if they didn't stop beginning every scene with 'meanwhile.' The author ran off crying. Then they came back and started the scene with something different for once.
Final Destination, 3:30pm (ZOMG, originality!)
Marth and Ike appeared on stage with the most epic appearances ever or something like that. They were about to charge at each other with the speed and swiftness of geese over water, (?) when there was an eruption. They staggered back in disbelief, as, from the midst of the explosion, appeared Luigi, radiating awesomeness from his very being.
Then a fat blob fell from the sky. It didn't take Marth, Ike and Luigi long to realise that it was Mario (I mean, it was FAT. Who else could it have been?), and when they did, they charged at him and tore him to pieces. Then Luigi picked him up and accidentally threw him off stage.
"Oh no! Mario, I'm so sorry!" Cried the kind-hearted plumber. Mario couldn't hear him because he was dead, but Luigi cried it anyway.
"Dude, I'm like, so totally sorry!" Said Ike, patting Luigi's back with his muscular hand.
"Me too," muttered Marth. "I miss him already...actually, wait a second. No I don't!"
"Nor do I, when I come to think of it," said Ike. "I think we should go and get ice cream to celebrate his death. All in favour?"
Everyone in the crowd (all of the smashers) put their hands up. However, Luigi didn't.
"What's the matter, dude? I totally thought you were like, into ice cream!" Ike said.
Luigi glared at him. "Maybe I am, but Mario was my brother. I don't care if he was the fattest, meanest, most stupid smasher in the entire mansion-"
"What about Wario?" Somebody shouted.
Luigi ignored them. "-but I loved him!"
"Incest!" Somebody shouted.
Luigi ignored them. "And I'd rather have him by my side, than an ice cream in my hand."
"Freak!" Somebody shouted.
"Shut the feck up, Captain Falcon!" Luigi screamed.
"Sorry..." Came the reply.
"No where was I..." Luigi muttered. "Oh damn you, Falcon, you made me forget where I was!"
"Sorry..." Came the reply.
"Is it me or is this fic becoming incredibly repetitive?" Wondered Ike.
"Sorry..." Came the reply.
"SHUT UP, FALCON!"
Falcon didn't say anything because Ike had thrown Ragnell at his face.
"Weren't we supposed to be brawling?" Marth prompted them.
"Ah yes, I remember now!" Ike cried.
*insert badly written fight scene here*
"Oh mah gawsh!" A magically revived Captain Falcon exclaimed.
"Pervert!" Samus squealed, automatically assuming he was taking about her chest area.
Meanwhile, Pit, Lucas, Ness and Toon Link were playing video games in Pit's bedroom (most original plot line EVAR).
"OK. What should we play on next?" Pit asked, throwing a variety of games out in front of the three.
"Monkeyball!" Toon Link exclaimed. Pit gave him a death glare.
"Now now, we've discussed this, haven't we Toony?"
"Mmhmm...now choose another one..."
"Red Steel!" Lucas blurted.
"That isn't four player, Lucas," Pit informed him. "And it's rather too violent for little munchkins to be playing on, isn't it?"
"Well I like it..." Mumbled the blonde.
"What was that?"
"You're quite right, Pit," Lucas exclaimed. "Quite right indeed."
"Good boy. Now, what was your suggestion, Ness?" Pit asked the other boy.
Pit slapped him. "DON'T make such STUPID suggestions!"
"Yes Pit..." Ness whimpered.
"OK, it seems we're only left with one option. Super Smash Bros. Brawl," the angel announced.
Toon Link frowned. "But we play on that every-"
"Shut it, Toony. You're short and nobody cares about you."
Toon Link sat in the corner and cried.
Everyone (except Toon Link) then proceeded to play on their own game as their own characters, which wasn't at all egotistical or plain stupid in the slightest. About half way through their fiftieth brawl, Lucas and Ness got into a fan boy argument about whether the Xbox or Wii was a better console, and ended up on the double bed trying to strangle each other, which looked a lot like bizarre porn from the angle Toon Link was looking at it from.
"Hey guys, I think I'm going to leave..." The swordsman said, finally tired of the horrible traits of the normally nice characters around him. Ness and Lucas continued to strangle each other like the rabid fan boys they were, which Toon Link took as a confirmation that he was allowed the leave. But just as he reached for the door handle, Pit's demonic voice stopped him in his tracks.
"Just where do you think you're going?"
Toon Link was suddenly overcome by the need to pee himself. "I-I...nowhere..."
"Really?" Pit snarled. "You'd better get back here, before I-"
A melodic ding dong sound interrupted him.
"Ooh, doorbell!" Pit squeaked and bounced to his feet. "I hope it's that feather duster I ordered!"
Everyone ran outside (except Ness and Lucas, who were still trying to tear each other to pieces), and all the way to the front door, where there was and army of smashers waiting to see what it was. Captain Falcon was muttering something about a porn delivery, Snake was hoping for the Metroid poster that he had asked Santa for last year, and Marth was expecting a new supply of conditioner (Bishie MAX) because Ike had used all of his up.
But when the door opened, it revealed something that was ten times more sick than porn, ten times less cool than a Metroid poster, and ten times more pathetic than a conditioner called 'Bishie MAX'.
"Hello everyone. My name is Mary. Mary-Sue, if you would prefer, but I really like to be called MS, if that's alright."
Dumbfounded stares followed.
"Oh, I understand, you all want to know more about me. What would you like to hear about first? My angsty past, my special abilities, my SuPER COO1 personality, or which of you I plan to marry?"
The reader jumped for joy.
Did you manage to spot all the plot clichés? Despite the fact that you'd have to be half-blind to miss them, you still win cookies if you found them all. Isn't that nice?
Just before I am flamed for character bashing, I love every single character I put in here. I just wanted to show how so many authors like to treat their favourite characters (or least favourite characters). of course this is exaggerated to stop it from being incredibly boring (which it probably was) but, in some of the fanboy/girl written fics, sadly, they are horribly out of character just like the ones in this fic.
Feel free to comment and such. I'd be really grateful to get some feedback :)