|Too Late To Say I Love You
Author: SunMoonAndSpoon PM
Ken and Daisuke are together, but Daisuke's having some trouble! Very sad story, please R&R! This is for Majin Pluto! Warnings: Angst, DaikenKensuke, slight MimikoMiyami, charecter death, (Suicide) Please R&R!Rated: Fiction M - English - Angst - Ken I. & Daisuke M./Davis - Words: 4,900 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 2 - Published: 03-07-02 - id: 643618
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: Yes, the all powerful Arrei-sama has failed in taking over the anime industry, and thus, does not own Digimon.
A/n: This fic is for Majin Pluto, cuz she wrote this really, really, really cool Digimon fic called 'In Sickness and In Health.' READ!!!! Anyway she entered it in a contest I had and she won, so as her prize I am writing her a fic!
A/n 2: There are some discriminating views in this fic, that I in no way share!!!! They are only there for the purpose of the story! I personally think gay/lesbianism is great!!!!
A/n 3: Sorry this is a bit OOC (Or is it OCC?). For some reason when I write a certain character I slip into a certain tone, accurate or not. If you've read certain fics of mine, you know.
A/n 4: This is 1 year after 02. Thus, Daisuke and Ken are both 12.
Warnings: Angst ahead. Shonen/Shojo Ai. Daiken/Kensuke, slight Miyami/Mimiko. Some…not-so-great language.
Daisuke is dead. Daisuke is dead. Daisuke is dead. The first way puts too much on him, that it is he who is dead, and not some other meaningless person. It is Daisuke. The second emphasizes the statements truth. He is, after all, dead. The final, tells of the horror. He is dead.
None of these ways are very comforting. It feels best if I don't say anything.
It is Christmas and there is no Christmas parties. My friends have the tendency to go on vacation or get sick around the holidays. Not me but I don't want to have a party without anyone else to come.
The Motomiya's were going to visit relatives in L.A., but Jun is sick so they're here. Daisuke and me are going to watch some movies we rented together. We are going to be at his house but we have to be extra quiet for Jun.
We are watching this American movie, Evolution. It's really weird, but Daisuke can't stop laughing. Mrs. Motomiya came in twice to tell us to shut up. She actually says that, shut up. My mother would never say that. Since Osamu she is very timid.
"Hey, Ken?" Daisuke says. "Could ya get out the bag of Doritos?"
"Where is it?"
"It's on the counter in the kitchen."
So I go, and I am thinking about Daisuke as I go. He is a great friend…and his eyes…they're like pools of chocolate you could eat on Valentines Day. He is a bit beautiful. I can't help thinking this. It means nothing. It's just a fact, he is beautiful.
Jun comes in, interrupting my thoughts. She is wearing over-large yellow pajama's, and she looks terrible. She coughs and says weakly, "Well, look who's here to make a move on my brother." She laughs, and coughs again.
I blush furiously and look at the ground. I only think of him as a friend. A beautiful friend, but a friend nonetheless. "What are you talking about…?" I mumble.
But Jun is gone already. I take the Doritos and bring them back to Daisuke.
We are pigging out on Doritos. Evolution is over and Daisuke is putting in another tape. "Whats that?" I ask.
"You'll see." He grins demonically, a look I've never seen on his face before. I like it.
The movie is on and it is hentai. There is this girl, stark naked except underwear. I can tell that will be off soon. There are two men, staggeringly hot, sitting on a bed. The girl says, "You two have fun," and leaves. Then the men get at it.
It is odd that Daisuke didn't pick hentai where the girl stays. Why does he want to see this, and more importantly, why does he think I want to see this?
"This really puts you in the mood, huh Ken?" Daisuke says, his demonic grin still plastered on his face.
I nod. I don't want to nod but I do, and before I know it we are kissing and I can't do anything about it and…
And I don't want to do anything about it.
We don't get past kissing. When we are done we don't talk, only stare. After a few minutes Daisuke mumbles apologies.
"No." I say. "Don't ever apologize for that."
Daisuke looks confused. "You mean you liked it?"
"Was I the Kaiser? Do we live in Japan? Is my name Ken?"
"That's your answer."
We sit there in silence, and then Daisuke puts in another movie. It is 'My Neighbor Totoro,' a movie I haven't seen since I was five. But I think Daisuke needs it to ease what we've just done.
That's how we came to be, Daisuke and I. My dead friend and me. A kiss borne of mistakes and lust, blossomed into this. Us. DAISUKEKEN. KENDAISUKE. Only the dark hands of death could tear us apart.
And they did.
We don't talk about what happened. But we are inseparable from then on. Eventually Daisuke asks if we are a couple and I say yes, but that's it. The subject isn't brought up for a while. I don't really want to talk about it. It would trivialize it somehow, make it less beautiful. I want it to just be.
Miyako and Mimi give us funny looks sometimes. Like they know. Eventually, we tell them.
It goes like this. Mimi scampers up to us, dragging Miyako behind her. "Are you two together?" She demands.
Daisuke looks ashamed of it, but I am not. These girls will be happy for us. "Yes." I say.
"That is so cool!" Miyako shrieks.
"Yeah!" Mimi also shrieks, her smile gleaming. "You guys are the best couple!"
"We're so happy for you!"
Daisuke and I blush and look uncomfortable, then I smile to. "Thank you. We are a good couple, aren't we, Daisuke?"
Daisuke is still embarrassed but he agrees. "Of course."
A precious moment of happiness. All is right. We are accepted.
But that doesn't last long. Our families aren't as forgiving. And I mean it like that. It's as if we committed a crime, and owe a debt we can never repay. I owe countless lives for my Kaiser period, and even though I didn't do it, in the crevices of my mind, for my brother. But Daisuke owes nothing.
I stride into the kitchen. I am going to tell my parents about us. I don't know how they will react, and it scares me. I have to be perfect for them because the perfect they once had is dead. And this is far from perfect.
But it feels so perfect. I could never be happier with another. At this point, it's merely a beginning, but already I love him. Daisuke has always been my friend, but he is much more now.
"Ken?" My mother says, sipping her tea. "It's late, you should be in bed."
"I'm sorry." I look at the floor. "But…I need to talk to you guys."
"Alright." My father says, his voice piqued with interest. "What about?"
"Um…" I can't seem to find the words. It was so easy, with Mimi and Miyako. So natural. Because I knew where they stood. I knew what would happen and I did not fear it.
But my parents…they've never expressed any opinion on the subject, and I have a feeling it wont be good.
"Yes?" Mom says.
"My, um, you guys…do you…"
"Ken, just spit it out."
"You guys…do you guys know my friend Daisuke?"
"Yes, you spent Christmas with him, right?"
"Uh huh. Anyway he and I…"
"What do you want to have a sleepover with him?" Mom smiles.
"Not exactly. This is a bit more…grown up."
"We are…" I mumble the next part, to get it over with as fast as possible. "Going out."
"What?" Dad says.
"Daisuke and me are going out."
"Your serious." Mom says. "Oh my god."
"Oh god, I knew I shouldn't have let you go over there!"
"It would've happened eventually anyway."
"Ken." Dad said, his eyes blazing. "We'll talk to you later. Go to bed."
Why don't they understand anything?
Daisuke doesn't have it any easier. "My mom just started yelling and yelling, and my dad kept muttering things like 'I always knew you were a fag.'" He says. "Only Jun didn't get mad, she just said, 'It's about time.' Weird or what?"
"Your dad is mean!"
"Yeah. I wish our parents could be more like Miyako's. Remember she told us when she brought Mimi home, her mother hugged her and yelled, 'I'm so proud of you!'"
"Yeah…but not everyone's so accepting, ne?"
I expect Daisuke to agree but he only says, "Well they should be."
My parents and I are having a 'talk.' The last time we had one of those was after Osamu died. "Ken, sweetie." My mother wears a smile, but her expression is pained. "Maybe you don't exactly know what 'going out' means…"
"I do. I love Daisuke, okay?"
"Well everyone loves their friends…"
"Reesa." Dad says. "He knows what it means, okay? Right Ken?"
"Okay, good. But…do you have any good reason to feel this way about him?"
I nod again. "He's a wonderful friend and everything, but…it's more then that…I don't know exactly. I just know I have to be with Daisuke."
"Does Daisuke feel the same?"
"I think so, yes."
"Has he told his parents?" Mom asks. "Because if he has I'd like to talk to them."
"Yeah, he has. They're not to happy about it."
"Oh dear…well Ken, you know this…change of lifestyle…is going to be hard for you. Some people can be very cruel."
"Are you sure? I don't want to see you hurt."
"Mom…it'll be okay. Don't worry about me."
"Mom! I'll be fine! Jeez, it's not that big a deal if some people pick on me!"
"Alright fine." Dad looks at me hard. "But don't come crying to us when your lives a living hell."
Dad's words, although ominous, didn't scare me so much. I knew no one would do anything to bad. That was all in the past.
Daisuke is not so sure. He's nervous all the time now, even––no, especially around me. When we kiss he looks like he's about to die.
I've got to talk to him about this.
We are in the cafeteria. Daisuke and I have excused ourselves from the others, and we are talking.
Daisuke wont look at me. "Ken, I do love you."
"And I you."
"But I dunno if I can do this…"
"You can." I say in monotone. People often come to me with self-doubt. Somehow that sentence, lacking any life, reassures them.
"No, I can't. Maybe you can handle how hard this is going to be, but I can't. I've got a reputation you know."
"So have I. But I think the way we feel about each other––or at least how I feel about you, should mean more then that."
"Ken, don't think for a minute I don't feel the same way. I just can't do it."
"Well I think you should try."
"How can you make it sound so simple?"
"Ken-chan…please listen. This is going to hurt. And I can't take pain very well. I know you can do it, so you should find someone else who can. You deserve better then me."
"That's not true, and even if it was, I don't care what I deserve. This is what I want."
"Your so mean." He says, pulling my face towards his. "You know I can't argue with you."
So that was how it was. Daisuke would pull away sometimes, but he'd always come back. Sometimes he wouldn't want to be near me anymore, and plead pathetic excuses not to see me. I left him alone when he needed it, but always, we came back to each other. This made me surer then ever that some kind of destiny was at work. Unfortunately, it didn't involve swords. Swords are cool and shiny.
But it was meant to be somehow. I was supposed to be with Daisuke. Except he had to die. He didn't have to die. But Death came and possessed him.
I am doing my homework in the library. (I had very nice kissing session with Daisuke the night before, and completely forgot it.) Some guy comes up to me and stares at me real hard. "Your gay." He says.
I nod. "Yeah…and?"
He breaks into a huge grin and goes over to a group that must be his friends. "He really is gay!"
They laugh about it and walk off.
Maybe I don't have a sense of humor, or maybe they're just dumb, but I don't exactly see whats so funny.
Daisuke and I meet at his locker, and there is a note taped to it. It is not so nice.
You're a fucking fag, know that?
Someone who doesn't like ya much.
"I gathered that." I said sarcastically as I read the note. "If he liked you, why would he leave the note?"
I'm mad. Life is not hell, but people aren't being kind. My dad is turning out to be right…I hate being wrong. I hate it that Dad and Daisuke are right. The worried ones are always right.
According to Daisuke's logic it doesn't make sense to assume we'll be accepted. No one will think it's a good thing, even others like us. We will be hated for sure.
Poor things created a social hell for himself already.
Daisuke looks at me, his eyes lying in their brightness. "Hey, who cares what they think, huh? So long as we love each other, right?"
"Right." I mumble, and tear up the note. I agree, it's not that that's upsetting me. It's that Daisuke feels he has to lie to me.
Jun is better now and in school. She's beat the living shit out of the guy who wrote the note. Just goes to show older siblings really care about their kid brothers and sisters. Thinking about that kind of makes me miss Osamu, even though I don't know if he ever cared that much about me. Maybe he did, in his own way, but it sure didn't seem like it.
Daisuke told me his parents 'talked' to him. Mostly consisted of his mom sobbing and slapping him a few times, and his Dad screaming at the top of his lungs. Daisuke doesn't want to be around them anymore, so he asked if he could sleep-over tonight. This means a long talk with my parents. Now that they know about us, they're reluctant to let me spend any time with my beloved. It's not that they don't approve, they're just worried that we're going to start boinking in front of them or something.
I'm going home to talk to them.
"Mom?" I say, walking into the house. "Are you home?"
Mom nods, and hangs up the phone. "Hi honey. I just got back about ten minutes ago."
"Oh. How was work?"
"It was alright. A girl named Sarah DeSoto was hired. I mostly spent the whole time trying to teach her Japanese."
"How was school?"
"Okay. Jun beat up this guy…it was fun to watch."
"Well Ken, violence isn't good. You shouldn't want to watch these things."
"She had a good reason to hurt him."
"Jun's Daisuke's sister, right?"
"He's fine." Daisuke was not fine at all, but then Mom would go off into one of her, 'I told you so' lectures.
"That's good. How're things going with you two?"
"Just…normal. We're really more friends then anything else…" I knew if I didn't reassure her before hand, she would defiantly say know to Daisuke's sleeping over.
"Then why don't you just go back to that?"
"It's just nicer this way, is all."
"…if your sure..."
"Can Daisuke sleep over?"
"Absolutely not." Mom says, almost smiling. "Absolutely not."
"Please? His parents are giving him a hard time about…our relationship…and he wants to stay somewhere else for a bit."
"Then let him stay with Takeru or someone. Just not here."
"We wont do anything, I promise."
"Listen, Ken. If you had a girlfriend I wouldn't let her sleepover either. What makes you think I'd say different with a boyfriend?"
"Well its not like I'm going to get him pregnant of anything."
"I don't care. I don't want my son boinking at age 12!"
"We're not going to do anything! Don't you trust me anymore?"
"No Ken, I don't. I find it rather difficult to trust a twelve-year-old boy, alone with his significant other."
"I had a girlfriend once. You let me see her all the time."
"You were seven! It didn't count for anything, and I didn't have to worry about you doing anything but playing tag!"
"You don't have to worry now! All we've ever done is kiss!"
"That can change in a minute. The answer is no, Ken."
"Then I'm not staying here tonight either. Daisuke and me will find somewhere else."
"No." She says, and grabs my hand. "I don't want you to love someone this much Ken."
"Loves very painful. Loves why Osamu's dead."
"Excuse me? Didn't he…fall off the balcony and die?"
"He didn't fall. He jumped."
"He jumped? He killed himself?"
"Yes. He did it to prove how much he loved someone."
"I never knew that. Tell me the whole thing?"
Mom nodded. Tears were forming in her eyes. "Oh…poor 'Samu…" She whispered. "My poor baby…"
"Mom…" I put my hand on her shoulder.
"Anyway." Mom tried to smile, but failed. "Osamu was about your age when he died. He was in a bit of a mess, he was trying to keep a girlfriend and a boyfriend at once. The girls name was Jisuki. Jisuki was a top student, good at everything, just like Osamu. Your father and I were thrilled that Osamu was going out with such a nice girl. Then he met Tanki."
"Tanki was the boy?"
Mom nods. "Tanki wasn't nearly as lovely as Jisuki. He didn't talk to anyone, he actually smoked, and he was very rude."
"Doesn't sound to nice…"
"He actually cursed me out!"
"They were such a mismatched pair, but somehow they loved each other. It was kind of sweet, to see them together. But I still didn't want Osamu going out with him. Jisuki was so much nicer, and besides, he couldn't be dating two people at once. It was just wrong!"
"Anyway, eventually, Jisuki and Tanki found out about each other. They were pretty mad. You got pretty upset when you heard there yelling, I had to ask them to take it outside."
"Osamu really loved both of them. Neither would believe him. So Osamu said he would die to prove how much he loved them."
"How do you know this?"
"I was kind of eavesdropping…"
"I didn't think he'd kill himself. People just say things like that sometimes. Then I heard screaming. I ran out to the balcony where they were. Osamu was gone, Jisuki was crying, and Tanki was screaming profanities at the ground. I looked down, and Osamu was lying there, almost dead."
I don't know why I don't remember this. I should remember this. This was the death of my brother, and I was right with my mom when it happened. But I don't. What she says doesn't stir up anything.
I sort of remember Tanki and Jisuki. Jisuki was over for dinner once, and she took my rice. I'd wanted to eat it but I didn't object. Tanki came over once to, smoking and cursing, and scaring me to death. I'd stayed in my room the whole time he was there, and I used to beg my brother not to bring him over.
"Ken?" Mom says. "Honey, are you listening?"
I nod. "Yeah. What happened next?"
"I called an ambulance. He died on the way to the hospital. His last words were to you, Ken."
"What were they? I can't remember."
"They were, 'Do you think that's proof enough, Ken-kun? You think they understand now?'"
"I hope they did."
"I hope not!"
"Why not? Don't you want Osamu's last message to have gotten across?"
"Because, that just proves that suicide is a good way to fix things! That's a horrible thing to prove, and I don't want anyone thinking that way! Osamu left nothing but a bad lesson for you, Ken."
"That's okay. I just feel sorry for him."
"I do to. And I miss him so much."
"I miss him to. But I still gotta love Daisuke. I'm not going to kill myself if something goes wrong."
"Okay. I guess I'll just have to believe you."
The next day, Daisuke refuses to see me. He cut school, and he wouldn't let me into his house. This is depressing. I want to see my Daisuke…
I bang on the door. "DAISUKE!!!"
"Go away!" Daisuke yells.
"What did I do?"
"Nothing! I just don't want to see you!"
"You wouldn't understand. Leave me alone, please Ken."
"GO AWAY OR I'LL REPORT YOU AS A STALKER!!!"
"Daisuke, I love you. Please let me in so we can talk."
"No. I'll talk to you tomorrow at school."
"Just tell me whats wrong, please?"
"Ken, I said GO AWAY! I'm reaching for the phone!"
"DAISUKE! Let me in!"
"Why are you so mad at me?"
"I'm not mad…" Daisuke's voice is choked, like he's about to cry. "Go away."
I can't believe this person I love so much wont even let me in his house. I feel like crying now to… "Daisuke-kun, please, let me in so I can help you." I say through choked tears.
"No." Daisuke says in a similar tone. He's crying too, now.
"Daisuke, please, I'm begging you…just let me in…"
"I'm really going to call the police! Leave me alone Ken!"
I hear Jun's voice. "Hey, ototo-chan, just let the poor kid in. It's getting late and I don't want him standing on our doorstep forever."
"No…I can't see him…"
"Because then I'll have to keep seeing him."
"Daisuke." I say, "Why don't you want to keep seeing me?"
"Because I love you to much. I don't want to love you so much Ken. It scares me."
"Please, please, let me in."
Daisuke sighs, and the door opened. But it was not my beloved who opened the door, it was Jun.
"Ken-kun, come in." Jun smiles at me, then glares at her brother. Daisuke does not protest.
I walk in, and throw my arms around Daisuke. After about five minutes, Daisuke hugs me back. We are both sobbing.
"You were fine a little while ago…" I say.
"No I wasn't." Daisuke says as he buries his face in my shoulder. "This relationship is killing me…I love you so much, but I can't take it…"
"No ones been to bad to us though."
"Ken, my own parents hate me." Daisuke looks up at me, with his big brown eyes. They aren't like chocolate anymore. They're just big pools of sorrow.
"Oh Daisuke, they can't hate you."
"They do." Jun pipes in. "They said they want him to move out. He was packing before you came."
"Maybe…" Could I say it? Could I give up my only love? My Daisuke? It was for the best but…I did need him. I'd never cared about someone so much before…
I remember when I was little, I had a pet caterpillar. Back then I loved to capture bugs. They were my only friends, really. Osamu was to busy for me, I was to young for school, and our cat Smoky did nothing but scratch me.
My pet caterpillars name was Danu. Danu was my dearest friend and confidant. I told him everything. And I was sure that he understood me, and cared about me.
Osamu informed me that it would die if I didn't let it go soon. He was always so smart. That infuriated me. I didn't want to know that, and the way he said it…like he was making fun of me…it was awful.
I began to cry immediately. I couldn't let Danu go, he was my best friend! My only friend…
My dad noticed, and asked what I was crying about. "'Samu said Danu's gonna die, if I dun; let him go…" I said in four-year-old lisp.
"Well Ken," My Dad said in as nice a voice as he could. "Osamu is right. Danu can't survive that long in the cage."
"But I love him…"
"I know you do. But sometimes, if you love someone, you have to let them go."
He was right. I let Danu go…
I had to let Daisuke go to.
"Daisuke-kun…I love you so much, but we've got to break up."
I want Daisuke to say, 'No, I don't want to break up, I love you to much.' But he doesn't. He just nods.
I thought everything would be okay the next day. I was miserable without Daisuke…but at least he'd be okay. At least he'd be happy. And I was a good person. I'd traded my happiness for his. I should be feeling all superior right now, but I'm just miserable…I loved him so much…I don't think I'll ever love anyone more.
But I never saw Daisuke again. He's not in school, and he never will be.
Jun storms up to me, waving a note. "KEN!!!!"
"Yah Jun?" I say, taking my books out of my locker.
"Daisuke just killed himself, cos you broke up with him!"
"What?" This didn't make sense. Breaking up with him was supposed to be good thing. Wasn't that supposed to make him happy? What was wrong here?
"My little ototo-chan commited suicide, thanks to you!"
"I hate you!" She screams. "You murdered my brother!"
"I didn't…" Jun shoves a note in my hand and storms off.
I open the note.
I thought it would be good that we broke up. But it wasn't. I knew you'd never take me back, and I didn't want to live anymore without you. I realized that I don't care what my parents or anyone else thinks. I only care about you.
But I ruined all that. So I couldn't live anymore. I had to die, so I died. You don't want to know how I died. You'll probably find out from Jun or someone anyway.
It's to late to say I love you. All I can say is I'm sorry.
I know I should feel sorry for him. But all I can think is, how could you?
Danu never wanted to leave. Osamu has died a second time. I have lost to much…I don't want to live anymore either…
But I can't die. That would be too selfish.
I can wait a few decades…then I can die, and rejoin my beloved, my brother, and, maybe ever Danu.
Okay…odd ne? Sorry people I wasn't really in a writing mood when I wrote this…hope it's not to bad…tell me what you think but don't flame please!!! (Constructive criticism okay. Compliments great!!!) ^_^