|Brains, or a Lack Thereof
Author: Emma CS Me PM
Finn and Will have UST. Mercedes, Quinn, Rachel and Tina all see this two out of four may be projecting a bit . Brittany and Santana have lots of sex. Puck and Artie snark about everything. And oh yeah, there are zombies. W/F, Q/Me, B/S, implied P/A.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Romance - Finn H. & Will S. - Words: 6,260 - Favs: 5 - Published: 10-30-10 - Status: Complete - id: 6436944
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Author's Notes: Written for the winnners monthly challenge for October, the prompt for which was: "write a supernatural AU".
"FINN HUDSON I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!"
The rest of the group just blinked as Puck stormed through the door to Schuester's hotel room, where they were all gathered. Because really, how else do you react to that sort of outburst?
"...Uh... What did I do?" asked Finn from where he sat on the couch. Puck glared at him.
"Yeah, ask that to the receptionist chick who's losing her fucking mind because of the living dead piling up outside the glass door? I mean, yeah, the fact she keeps running around like a headless chicken means she's so not paying enough attention to notice when I'm staring at her boobs, but..."
"Wait," said Finn, "They're here?"
"Uh. Yeah. Dude, listen."
"Shit!" Finn immediately jumped up and started flailing wildly. "Shit shit shit shit shit! They can't be here! We're in Cincinnati, for christ's sake! The whole reason I went with Rachel's idea to go to this place was because I thought they wouldn't show up here."
"Hey!" protested Rachel, defending her idea, but no-one paid any attention.
"Dude. They kept stalking you to my house; why wouldn't they follow you here?" Puck asked. Finn shrugged.
"Well, your house is like, two inches from mine. This is a different city. It's not that weird."
"Guys?" said Schuester. "Mind some backstory? Because you two clearly have some sort of experience with this sort of thing, but for the rest of us... living dead?"
"Oh. Uh," Finn looked uncomfortable. "This is a thing that... kind of happens to me. Since I started high school, anyway. Every halloween, a whole bunch of zombies show up stalking me."
"That would actually only make this the third time this has happened, then," Artie pointed out. Puck glared at him too.
"Dude. Zombies. Three times is more than enough, 'cause this really isn't cool in the real world."
Artie conceded. "Point taken."
"Zombies? Really?" said Santana from across the room. She looked less than believing, and Puck rolled his eyes at her.
"San, if you don't buy it, go downstairs and check. Actually, there's a whole bunch of chicks who don't know each other like, groping each other in support or whatever. And you getting into that would be totes hot, not gonna lie."
There was a collective rolling of eyes, even with Brittany possessively linking her pinky with Santana's. "Why is it that even when facing the hoards of all that is wrong and evil in this world, he still can only think with his penis?"
Puck glared at him. "Dude, fuck you. You would totally do the same thing if you were into chicks. And you can say the Z-word, you know?"
Kurt glared right back. "I don't think we should embrace some sort of voyeuristic thrill from the sexuality of others, real or imagined. And I was using slightly more poetic language than quite necessary for emphasis, Puck."
Puck rolled his eyes, and tried to come up with and argument that didn't rely on having a clue what Hummel was on about. "You really need to get laid," he said. Kurt glared at him.
"Uh, can we focus?" said Sam. "Because, you know, zombies."
"Thanks a lot, Finn," said Santana. Finn made a whining sound.
"Hey, it's not my fault!" he yelled. "Well, uh, maybe it is; I don't really know. I guess it's my fault you guys have to deal with it, but..."
"Finn, it's okay," said Mr. Schue, standing up and putting a comforting hand on Finn's shoulder. "Nobody blames you."
"I do!" yelled Santana. Schue just glared at her, and Finn ignored that.
"Thanks, Mr. Schue," he mumbled and stood a bit closer. Behind their backs, Quinn and Mercedes shared a look.
"Um, guys?" asked Artie. "What are we actually going to do?"
"...Good question," said Mr. Schue. "Finn, Puck – do you guys know anything...?"
Finn shrugged uncomfortably. "Uh. They're kind of the worst zombies ever. They can't break doors down or anything – they just kind of... linger out there. My usual attitude to this is hide inside the house until they go away."
"The doors in this place are made of glass," Tina said. "That's a bit more fragile than your house door."
"Or my house door," Puck pointed out.
Mike narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Why do you know so much about their doors? When did you go to their houses?"
Tina rolled her eyes at her boyfriend's jealousy. "God, just, assignments and stuff. That, and you could kind of guess about house doors versus glass. Don't get all possessive."
"Wheels, you're gonna hurt yourself if you keep glaring like that," said Puck, making everyone turn to look at Artie glowering at Mike and Tina – he immediately cut that out, however.
"I was not glaring," Artie said, even though everyone had seen him.
There was a group eye-roll.
"Well, the doors to our rooms are pretty sturdy, huh?" Mercedes says. "So if we all just like, hide here, we should be cool."
"And everyone else...?"
"It's a big hotel; there'll be enough space."
"This is going to backfire," Artie whined. Puck glared at him again.
"Dude, shut up already," he said. "I just don't wanna run into the zombies. 'Retha's plan is fine – it's pretty much what we've been doing for the last two years, so..."
Everyone sort of shrugged at each other. "Alright then," said Quinn. "To our separate rooms?"
"Weren't we discussing something in the first place?"
"Shut up, Artie. There are zombies. Can you remember what we talking about in the first place?"
He conceded to that one as well.
"Um, guys?" Finn shuffled from foot to foot. "Uh, remember how the numbers and the weird way these rooms work made me the only person in my own room right now? And I'm the one they're actually following? Maybe it's a bit stupid but... I'd kind of not like to be alone right now."
There was an awkward silence filled with sympathetic looks and/or badly repressed smirks, depending how nice the particular glee clubber was. Eventually, Mr. Schue put a hand down on Finn's shoulder again.
"It's okay, Finn," he said. "You can stay here."
"Really?" Finn grinned, and Shue shrugged.
"There's an extra bed in this room," he said.
"Thanks," said Finn, and everyone else shared dubious looks.
"Anyway," said Quinn. "Moving. Come on, 'Cedes."
Everyone started to file out the door and back to their own rooms.
"So. Zombies," said Mercedes as she flopped down on her bed, a couple of hours later. Quinn nodded and sat next to her.
"That about sums it up," she said. They considered it for a couple of seconds.
"You reckon we're gonna die?"
"Not really," Quinn said. "I mean, Finn's dealt with this every Halloween for the last three years, and he's come out fine – comparatively speaking."
"Yeah. Then maybe we should advise Schue against dragging Finn into his hotel room, now we're all gonna be alive for the bad shit that's gonna be said 'bout that."
Quinn shrugs. "There are zombies; I don't anyone will notice. Really, I mean, the zombies could get us. Why should they die without consummating their epic secret gay love?"
"Uh, 'cause there are rules against that sort of thing, Quinny babe," Mercedes said. Quinn turned around and frowned, as she suddenly thought she heard something being whispered.
"Uh, can zombies whisper?" she asked. "'Cause I think I just heard something."
Mercedes frowned. "Uh, I dunno. Guess it depends on the movie, but…" she trailed off as both girls looked around the room in paranoia.
"Can't see anything," said Quinn.
"Maybe they're hiding in the bathroom?"
The girls heard a sharp squeak, followed by a quick hush. Something was mumbled, and Quinn and Mercedes narrowed their eyes suspiciously. They started to make their way toward the door.
1, 2, 3 – they pushed the door open and took up defensive poses. They waited until they saw the sight…
…of Rachel and Tina.
"…T? Rachel?" asked Mercedes, confused. "…What are you doing here? We kind of thought you were zombies, girls."
Tina and Rachel shared an uncomfortable look. "Er, we should apologize," said Rachel. "It's just… our room is directly adjacent to Brittany and Santana's, and this place has very thin walls, and they just found out it might be the zombie apocalypse, so..."
"Oh," said Quinn, suddenly realizing. "Yeah, uh, I've been on Cheerios competitions with them when the world wasn't ending. It is totally cool, Manhands. But you could have just asked. And you don't have to hide in the bathroom; we'll let you in the main room."
Tina glared at Rachel as the girls made their way out of the bathroom. "Told you," she said.
Rachel pouted. "We didn't want to be a nuisance," she said, and everyone rolled their eyes.
"You know, this is going to be majorly awkward," Tina started, "but I am so with you on the Finn and Mr. Schue thing. Really, sharing a hotel room?"
"I must concede," said Rachel. "That was what we were whispering about before, actually – hence why you heard us. I hope this dangerous situation pushes them into one another's arms, because the sexual tension is really starting to irritate me."
Quinn cocked her head to the side. "Wait, what the hell?" she asked. "Berry, he's your ex. You want him hooking up with our male Glee club coach… why?"
"Because I think it would make him happy," Rachel said. "Why are you discussing it? Besides, I've noticed this for months, and I'm over Finn – I think it would be good for them."
"I agree with Rachel," said Tina. "As long as Mr. Schue doesn't get fired or something…?"
"Uh, about that," said Mercedes. "Why is everyone so eager to ignore the fact Mr. Schue is our teacher and this is completely inappropriate?"
"Well, it might be the zombie apocalypse. Comparatively, that doesn't seem like a big deal," said Tina. Mercedes glared at her.
"Well, fine. Just don't expect me to get involved."
"Well it's not like we can do anything, 'Cedes," said Quinn. "We were just sort of hoping the tension of the situation would push them toward one another, so the rest of us wouldn't have to deal with the UST anymore."
"You have to admit, Mercedes, that would be romantic," said Rachel.
Quinn looked at Tina oddly.
"What? It would!"
"Anyway. This is the weirdest conversation ever," said Mercedes. "Not that I disagree on Finn and Mr. Schue and the epic secret gay love affair. But why are we talking about it?"
"Do we have anything better to talk about?"
Finn frantically paced around Schue's hotel room, and his teacher tried to follow him with his eyes.
"Could you please stop that?" asked Will eventually. "It's really not doing anything to soothe my nerves."
Finn suddenly turned to him, stopped short, and sighed. "I'm sorry," he said, making his way to sit next to Will on the bed. "It's just... this is really freaking me out, y'know?"
"Understandable," Will reached a hand out to comfortingly pat Finn on the shoulder. Finn leaned into him, resting against his shoulder. It was probably a bit inappropriate, but so was having Finn in his hotel room in the first place – Will allowed it, and kept any thoughts it did-not-inspire-in-the-slightest firmly under lock and key.
"After all, there are zombies here," Will mused. Finn shook his head.
"No. It's not that. I can deal with the zombies; I've been doing this for like, three years," Finn said, and Will looked at him curiously. "It's just that... I got them to follow the rest of you as well. It was bad enough when that happened with Puck, and he was pretty awesome about it because well, zombies are cool. Now... you guys didn't deserve this. And I knew this could happen, but I was just so selfish and trying to run away and hoping I'd be lucky, and now you're all in trouble when you shouldn't be and it's all my fault and–"
"Finn, Finn!" Will swept the boy into a proper hug and rubbed comforting circles on his back. "It's okay, it's okay. This wasn't your fault. You just didn't want to have to meet up with the zombies again; no-one can blame you for that."
Finn was quickly calmed. "Oh, uh... thanks. Sorry Mr. Schue, this just... it makes me freak out, you know?"
"Again. Zombies. Not surprising," Will said. Finn laughed against his shoulder, before pulling back.
"Thanks, Mr. Schue. I feel kind of like a wimp, because they've always been kind of the worst zombies ever, but... you're really awesome at this comforting stuff."
Will nodded. "Okay. So, uh... you know what they're doing now?"
Finn shook his head, and Will sighed. They both stood up, and walked over to the window to look down. Outside, one of the zombies rammed its head against the glass door.
Finn shivered. Will noticed, and stuck his hand out to the side to squeeze Finn's hand.
"It'll be okay."
"I know," said Finn, squeezing back. "Just... freaksome."
"Yeah," Will said. "Come on, let's go back to the bed."
...Okay, that sounds bad.
If so, Finn didn't seem to noticed. Instead, they did go back to the bed and sit.
"So," said Finn. "For a zombie invasion, this is... kinda dull."
Will shrugged. "Well, they're stuck outside, and everyone kind of likes being alive so they're not going to go out and face them."
"But like, the hotel's gonna have to go and get food at some point, right?"
"It's been one day, Finn. Does this usually last any longer than Halloween?"
Finn considered this. "...Nah."
"There," said Will. "Although, I'll say this – worst birthday ever."
"Wait, who's birthday is Hallowee– Oh. It's your birthday, really?"
Will nodded. "Yeah. I don't make much of a big deal of it – Terri and I were always forgetting each other's birthdays, and after awhile we thought it would save a lot of fights if we just stopped caring. Guess I fell into a habit."
Finn shrugged. "Well, uh... happy birthday. I kind of don't have anything to give you, though. Are you even allowed to give your teachers birthday presents?"
Something in Will's stomach jumped, but he ignored it. "I don't actually know. Depends on the circumstances, I guess – and the present itself. No sex toys."
Okay, no way that was appropriate, but Finn didn't seem to mind. He just laughed. "Okay, I'll remember that. Like, when we get out of here so I can go buy your present... which'll probably be late 'cause the zombies usually won't disappear 'til tomorrow, but it's the thought that counts?"
Will nodded. "Alright. You'll probably get me fired anyway, but alright."
Finn gave a mocking pout. "Isn't true love worth it, Mr. Schue?"
"Ha ha. You know, if you're saying crap like that, my name would make it a lot less disturbing," Will said. "Plus, it might be the zombie apocalypse. You can call me 'Will'."
Finn nodded and considered this. "Will," he pushed the word over his tongue, almost exploring it, and for some unidentifiable reason it made Will's mouth go dry. "It's a cool name."
"Actually it's really boring. And makes promising to do things, in the third person, pretty much a nightmare."
Finn smiled. "Anyway. What are we gonna do now, if the zombies are being lazy about the killing us thing?"
Will shrugged. "Is there anything on TV?" He reached over for the remote on Finn's side of the bed. When he came back up, Finn's eyes were closed for... some reason.
"Wha?" Finn immediately yanked his eyes open, and started to sputter. He blushed slightly. "Oh, uh... sorry. I'm just... tired. Zombies and all that, y'know?"
"I know," said Will. "Just, if you fall asleep in my bed, I might get in trouble. If we survive, that is."
"Honestly, I think you're kinda gonna be in trouble either way. So might as well make the best of it."
"I'm not sleeping with you."
"This is really disturbing."
Puck looked up at Artie with a dubious expression. "Dude, if you have such a problem with it, why are you eavesdropping on them anyway?"
"Car crash theory," says Artie. "You know, how you don't want to see but can't look away?" Puck just smirked at that. "Seriously, does this not bother you?"
Puck considered it for a second. "Nah. I mean, we've all kind of known they were gay for each other for like, ever – it's not a big deal. If they start having sex where we can overhear, then I'll be pissed, but otherwise – whatever."
Artie sighed. "There are rules against this sort of thing, Puck."
Puck scoffed. "So? Like Mr. Schue'd be the first one of our teachers to ignore it. I'm telling you, man, you know Ms. Krichess; teaches chemistry to the freshmen? She can–"
"For the love of all that is holy, Puck, shut up."
Puck rolled his eyes. "Dude, you are so gay."
"Because I don't want to hear about you having sex? Yeah, that makes sense."
"You're so articulate."
The group eventually decided it would be a good idea to get some information on the zombies, apart from what Finn and Puck said. Finn and Puck themselves were unhappy about this, because they felt they knew enough about the zombies, but everyone nagged them into grouping in the lobby anyway.
"So," said Quinn, staring at the zombies grouped outside the lobby.
"So," Artie responded unhelpfully.
Mercedes shrugs. "It's not that bad. They seem pretty calm for unholy undead abominations."
"Well, yeah, like we said – they've always been kind of the worst zombies ever," Puck pointed out. "Hence how Hudson and I, like, survived the last two Halloweens. Can we go back upstairs now?"
Quinn glared at him. "You know, the rest of us are planning on surviving too. We'd kind of like to know a bit more."
Puck rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Like you and 'Cedes weren't totally up to no good in your room anyway."
"Puck!" everyone yelled in unison.
"Anyone notice that he does that whenever he's annoyed with anyone; he just makes their sexuality chief field of attack?" asked Artie. "He can't get away with it for you, Kurt, but still – you could probably be offended at that."
"Duly noted," said Kurt flippantly.
"Oh come on, now you're just ganging up on me," Puck whined.
"Shut up, Puck," said Finn.
Out of everyone's eyesight, Brittany leaned into Santana. "Wait, what's that about Quinn and Mercedes? I thought that was us."
Santana just rolled her eyes and ignored it.
"What do they want, anyway?" Tina asked.
"Brains? They are zombies, after all," Sam said.
"Have they eaten anyone's brains for the two Halloweens they've been following you?" Rachel asked Finn.
"Have they done anything at all for the last two Halloweens they've been following you?" Santana asked Finn.
"Er... well, no..."
"Then why's it a big deal?"
"Because we're being stalked by zombies," Rachel said. "And don't try to fool me into thinking you don't care. Brittany's and your room is directly adjacent to Tina's and mine; we have heard you having wild apocalypse sex."
"Wait, that was about the zombies?" asked Brittany. "Were they watching or something?"
Everyone ignored that.
"So the question is still kinda, uh, what do we do?" asked Sam.
"Wait it out and hope we don't die?"
Suddenly, the glass window broke. A zombie came in. People started screaming, as you may expect. The zombie just slowly lumbered forwards, as it's compatriots observed the hole in the glass and started to make their way to join the first one.
Then suddenly, it was gone. The zombie. The glass was as good as new, securely keeping the rest of the hoard back. Some of them tried to break it again, but it sturdily kept them back. Everyone just stared.
Once people began to return to reality, the Glee club looked at themselves. Mr. Schue had an arm around Finn, who was not particularly subtly whimpering. Quinn, Mercedes, Tina and Rachel all shared a look.
Quinn and Mercedes looked at each other closer, and realized they were holding hands. They decided not to let go.
"...What just happened?" asked Brittany, who was now firmly wrapped in Santana's arms.
"One of the zombies just broke the glass and got in for like, two seconds. Duh," said Puck. "Although I'm less sure about the whole magical disappearance thing."
"...Okay, now I'll admit I'm freaking. Shit," said Santana.
"I'm – I'm really sorry guys," said Finn. Will cocked his head to the side.
"This was all my fault," Finn explained. "They're after me. Always have been. And now you're all in trouble, and I knew this would happen, and... I shouldn't have let this happen in the first place. I'm really sorry, guys."
He suddenly stood up and make his way for the stairs, running back up. "Finn!" called Will as he left. The rest of the club just stared.
"This isn't going well, huh?" asked Kurt.
Tina sighed. "Not exactly."
When Will checked his own room, Finn wasn't there. Of course. The kid wanted to be alone now; the only reason he had gone to Will in the first place was to avoid that. Something about that phrasing made Will's gut sting, but he ignored it.
He made his way over to Finn's door, but hesitated before opening it – or knocking. He sighed and looked over his shoulder, for some reason. It was probably a mistake, because he saw Rachel Berry staring up at him with wide, round eyes.
Rachel was unfazed. "Hello, Mr. Schuester," she said.
Will quickly regained his composure. "Um. Hi, Rachel. What are you...?"
Rachel cast a look to the door, then back at Will. "Oh. Well, I see you are about to try and comfort Finn, so I wanted to talk to you. About him."
Will was confused, and possibly feeling a bit of dread. "Um... what about him?"
Rachel sighed. "I'm going to just be frank and say it: you're in love with him–"
"Let me finish, Mr. Schue, please. You are in love with Finn. Finn is in love with you. The entire world is aware of this; we've seen it for months," she said. "I was discussing it with Tina, Quinn, Mercedes earlier. Although I personally believe the opinions of the latter two may be somewhat affected by them projecting their obvious romantic feelings toward each other, but that's against the point."
"I'm a teacher, Rachel–"
"I know, I know," said Rachel. "There are rules and it would be inappropriate and et cetera, et cetera. Mr. Schuester, we are being menaced by zombies. We may or may not survive. It's fairly cliched, but for christ's sakes – if you don't act on this now, you never will."
Will blinked at her. "...That is a speech I never expected to hear."
She just grinned and walked off. Will sighed, shook the thought out of his head – that was just Rachel getting odd ideas, surely? – and opened the door.
"Oh, uh, Mr. Schue," Finn had his legs pulled up under his chin, and was sitting on the bed. "Mind knocking first?"
Will hesitated. "Oh, uh, sorry," he said. "So can I come in?"
Finn shrugged. "Sure." He didn't seem to relax much, though; he pulled his knees under his chin further under his chin. Will sighed and entered, sitting on the bed next to him.
"Finn? Are you okay?" he asked. "You... kind of ran out. You seemed upset."
"Well, that's kind of 'cause I am," said Finn. "I mean, I've been feeling pretty guilty from the start... but when they got in... it's like they can actually hurt us, y'know? Which is fucking stupid – er, sorry, Mr. Schue – 'cause I've never really taken them seriously, even if it freaked me out, but now I'm responsible for all this and–"
"Finn, it's okay, it's okay." Without thinking Will pulled him in to hug him, which ended with Finn resting his head on his shoulder. In retrospect, that was probably a bad idea for several reasons – not least of all being their height difference would probably result in Finn getting bad pain in his neck. However, Finn seemed comfortable for the moment, so Will didn't move him.
"Look," said Will. "I'll admit – I don't know what's going on. I don't know why there are zombies following you, and only on Halloween. The only reason I'm not stuck on 'OH MY GOD ZOMBIES' right now is probably shock. But I know, this can't be your fault. No-one blames you for this."
"Thanks," mumbled Finn. Will suddenly realized how flushed his face was.
"Finn, are you okay?" It required twisting his arm at an awkward angle, but he managed to press the back of his hand up to Finn's forehead. "Do you have a fever or something? You're really red."
"What? Oh, uh, no," Finn blushed even deeper. "It's just... the walls here are really thin, dude. I heard Rachel..."
Oh shit. Will was more panicked by that than he really ought to have been; he could rationalize it away as all in Rachel's head, but... "Erm... Don't worry about that. I – I mean, it's Rachel; she's a... good student, and club member, but she can be kind of..." he was stammering and he knew it. "So, you don't have to worry – I mean–"
Finn cut him off by kissing him.
Will really should have been expecting that one, huh?
His first instinct was kiss back. It was a good kiss; he could kind of tell Finn's inexperience, but there was something... he wanted to keep kissing Finn.
Unfortunately, zombies or not, he still lived in the real world. He had to pull back.
"Finn!" he sounded more than a little panicked. Finn bit his lip anxiously. "You can't just..."
"Youdon'twantme," Finn mumbled, and suddenly curled himself up into the ball he was in before Will entered.
"Finn..." Will wasn't sure whether it would be better to confirm or deny that accusation. "We can't... I mean, I'm your teacher, I..."
"Will, please," said Finn. "I mean, I might be getting us all killed thanks to zombies. I think you can afford...? I mean, if you actually do like me and Rachel wasn't just making shit up, which made me all hopeful 'cause of my epically pathetic crush on you. Which would so happen. Still, don't you think...?"
Will sighed. Of course he wanted Finn. He always had. He tried to talk himself out of it – think he stayed so long around the shower area for his voice; think he was attached to Finn as Finn's father figure; think they were just any teacher with a student he was a bit close too – but one way or another, he just wound up with thoughts swarming in his head that were so far from right they weren't funny.
Fucking zombies, making him stop being in denial forever.
He just stared at Finn.
Quinn gently sat down on her bed. "So," she said, "having a bit more problems with the zombie thing now. And I don't even care that sentence was all kinds of grammar-screwed."
Mercedes looked sympathetic. "Hey, it'll be okay," she said. "I mean, clearly we have some kind of fairy godmother magically vanishing the zombies that get too close. So it should be cool."
Quinn smiled. "True."
There was a pause.
"Thanks for being there, you know," Quinn continued. "I mean, holding my hand when it burst through the doors and everything. I'm kind of a wuss, you see."
Mercedes shrugged. "Eh, I was more holding your hand to avoid pissing my pants in fear. So I'm kind of a selfish bitch, you see?"
"But I love you anyway," said Quinn. Mercedes smiled and nodded along.
There was another awkward pause, as Quinn suddenly noticed she was sitting very close to Mercedes on the bed.
"Okay..." Quinn found herself saying, "I'm getting a kind of vibe here. The kind of vibe telling me we're about to kiss? If I'm just imagining this, uh, tell me. I need time to prepare before I can go die of embarrassment."
"Oh, no, uh, there's a definite vibe," said Mercedes, breaking into a grin. "I didn't think you'd notice, actually."
Quinn shrugged. "Well, I'm a smart girl," she said. She started to lean in closer. "So..."
"Okay, what is that noise and – Rachel, would you stop smirking at me like that? Or least explain why, because otherwise, it's kind of annoying–"
Tina's speech was cut off when Rachel swung open the door to Quinn and Mercedes' room, and revealed the sight of the two girls very obviously making out on Quinn's bed.
"Holy everloving god!" cried Tina.
Quinn and Mercedes immediately jumped away from each other, blushing in embarrassment. "Holy crap!" yelled Quinn.
"Guys, knock, please?"
"Way to pull calm and reasonable, Tina," said Quinn, awkwardly pulling down the hem of her skirt. Tina and Rachel politely pretended not to notice that bit.
"Er, we apologize," Rachel said. "We're happy for you two. And we'll give you your privacy now."
She shut the door, and Tina and her shared a look.
"Well," said Tina. "Didn't see that coming."
Rachel raised an eyebrow. "Really? They've been all over each other for months, Tina."
Tina shrugged. Then a look of realization settled over her face. "...Crap."
"What? What is it?"
"We just lost another room, didn't we?"
This was interrupted when the two girls saw Puck and Artie exit their room, looking uncomfortable. Tina would rather let them go wherever without interrupting, because the situation with her and Artie was still Awkward with a capital A, but she forgot – she was with Rachel Berry.
"Boys! Hi! Where are you going?"
Puck and Artie shared a look. "Uh, well, basically we're running away," said Artie.
"Finn's fucking Mr. Schue in the room right next to ours – or close enough, anyway, I don't really want details on what's going on in there," Puck explained. "And, y'know, good for him – bro doesn't get laid near enough – but it's just majorly awkward having to listen to the sounds and all that."
"Now we just don't know where we're going to sleep," said Artie.
Rachel shrugged. "Understandable. We've had to do that twice, actually – I mean, first we were next to Brittany and Santana's room, and hence the apocalypse sex I mentioned before. Anyway, that was awkward, so we hid in Quinn and Mercedes' room. But we just walked in on them making out on the bed, so we're giving them privacy."
"Wait, Quinn and Mercedes? Really?" asked Artie. Puck shot him a dubious look.
"Dude, this surprises you? I mean, last year, I had a thing with both of 'em – and those chicks were so more hot for each other than they were for the Puckasaurus. I didn't even know that was possible."
Tina, Artie and Rachel all managed to roll their eyes in sync.
"Anyway, we're all going to wind up camping out in Kurt, Sam's and Mike's room, huh?" asked Rachel.
"Yeah. Least gay sex. Which is funny, 'cause they have the actual gay dude," said Puck.
"Um, guys?" said Tina. "I think the zombies are gone."
Tina was staring out the window, and the rest of the group shared confused looks. They walked/wheeled up to see if it was true.
"Huh, you're right, Stutterfly."
"I guess that's... fortunate..."
"Um, guys? I can't actually see anything?"
They looked back down to see Artie, just below window height. Puck rolled his eyes and leaned down. "Okay, c'mon man."
With a little effort, Puck got Artie into his arms and lifted him up to where he could see the sudden lack of zombies. "There, baby Artie," he teased. "Maybe now I can change your diaper and bathe you."
"I can't tell if your mocking me or propositioning really kinky sex. In which case, no thanks," said Artie.
"Fuck you, Abrams."
"Isn't that what I just refused to do?"
Puck rolled his eyes.
"Why do you think they're gone?"
Puck shrugged (as best he could with Artie's weight in his arms, anyway). "Dunno. They usually wait still the next morning to piss off. Weird."
"Well, since we're all here this time – maybe someone called it off as a birthday present for Mr. Schue? You know, along with the Finn-sex."
"Wait, it's Schue's birthday? Really?" asked Artie.
A look of realization clouded Puck's face.
And then he dropped Artie.
"What? Oh, uh, sorry," said Puck. Artie had landed sideways across the arms of his chair, and Puck leaned down to position him properly. "It's just... son of a bitch!"
Tina and Rachel looked at each other with worry. "Um... what's wrong?" asked Tina.
Puck took in a deep breath. "Okay, let's look at the backstory on this thing. This started the first Halloween of high school – aka, the first year Finn even knew Schue. It's Halloween – at first, I thought that made sense 'cause hey, zombies! Halloween! They kinda go together. But now that turns out to be Schue's birthday. Finn finally gets around to just fucking the guy, and that makes the things vanish. This so makes sense now," he explained. Everyone else just kept looking confused. "The whole point of this thing was just to try and make them R their UST at some point."
"Oh," said Artie. "You know, that actually makes... a surprising amount of sense."
"Really? It does?" asked Rachel. Artie shrugged.
"As much sense as getting stalked by zombies in the first place. How'd that even happen?"
"Whatever. Point is, I so got dragged into this shit for like, a year before you dudes, 'cause of Hudson getting hard for our Spanish teacher. I'm gonna kill him," said Puck. "Although, like, not right now. I'll let 'em get off first. 'Cause it's totally in the bro code to help Finn get laid, and there are just things man does not need to see in that room."
"Speak for yourself," said Tina, and everyone looked at her oddly. She rolled her eyes.
"Why does it still surprise everyone when I say stuff like that?"
"Wait," said Artie, "You mean, you like guys to, um, be with other guys?"
Puck glared at him. "Do not get ideas, Abrams, even if it's just to get her back."
"Please, I have better taste than you."
"Are you kidding? Even the straight dudes want a bite out of this meat."
Tina and Rachel shared a look.
Miles away, the witch spied through her crystal ball at the hotel room door that was Will and Finn's.
"Freaking finally," she groaned.
This took way too much work. All that time hearing Will practically drooling over that jock kid – she had to do something to just not go crazy, and she decided to stick with it this year. Why not? Okay, maybe just having the kid stalked by zombies every Halloween wasn't the most direct route, but whatever. It worked in the end – Finn went crawling to his secret gay love 'cause he was scared of the living dead trying to eat him. Still, why did it have to take three years? Terri didn't even get to leave Will and act all self-righteous about it; she's gonna be pissed.
Whatever. Maybe she'll stop freaking whining about her ex-husband already when she finds out about the whole student-fucking habit.
...Huh. Minus all the magic stuff, Kendra still doesn't have any proof of it. Fuck.