|Nothing Sirius To Be Found Here, Folks
Author: Manchester PM
Sirius Black passes through the Veil and finds himself in totally unexpected circumstances. Not that he's complaining, mind you. Or at least he wasn't up to the point where the short blonde woman punched him in the face. Hard. NOTE: M Rating for sex!Rated: Fiction M - English - Buffy S. & Sirius B. - Chapters: 13 - Words: 15,255 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 9 - Published: 10-31-10 - Status: Complete - id: 6440679
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Author's Note: It just happened to work out that this is the thirteenth chapter presented on the holiday that takes place during the thirty-first of October! Clearly, a true mystical congruence of events! Or not. Anyway, it seems a good reason as any to finish up this story, so read on to the end!
Sirius regained consciousness a few moments later, helped along by his magically-enhanced body that had allowed him to survive a furious Slayer's punch, but he was still in enough of a daze to be more than willing to remain lying upon his back on the cavern floor with his eyes firmly closed, nursing a badly aching jaw, and listening to a much-too-loud dispute among two female voices taking place right over his throbbing skull.
"Aww, B, didja haveta do that? It would've been funnier'n hell if we actually took him at his word and showed this guy with the biggest swelled head ever - upper and lower - on the whole fuckin' Hellmouth exactly what horny Slayers need ta have ta be completely satisfied. 'Sides, if he actually pulled it off, he'd damn well be a keeper."
"SHUT UP, FAITH! He killed Spike!"
"Maybe ya mighta missed it, but he also took out alla the rest'a 'em. Even that fuckin' First Evil, it popped outta here like a balloon in a dart factory. As for Brit-vamp, s'pose ya can call it collateral damage, him bein' right in the middle of a punch-up with one'a those Turok-Han 'fore those two poofed inta dust."
"I don't believe you, saying things like that! Spike didn't deserve to die!"
"Neither did those Potentials he murdered a coupla days ago. Or every one of his other kills, includin' two Slayer notches on his belt. I know damn well ya dreamed 'bout Nikki and that Chinese gal, feelin' blondie drain 'em both; I did too, back in prison."
"That was when he was only a demon! Spike has- had a soul! He was going to be a hero!"
"Whoopee shit. I got a soul, you got a soul, all God's chilluns got a soul. Does that give me a free pass for all the fuckin' up I ever did in my life? Like hell. Lover-boy mighta gotten a soul, but it didn't do a thing for makin' him feel sorry 'bout whatever else he done, and ya can't come up with any reason for him otherwise stayin' a shitheel. Christ, he pranced 'round Robin wearin' his momma's jacket, and ya let him! Xander tol' me how Spike once went after yer own mom years back, and nearly got her. I s'pose if that bleached wonder was more successful then, scalped Joyce, and wore that as a trophy, ya woulda forgiven him later on just 'cuz he had a halfway decent excuse! Now, while yer tryin' ta think up a good comeback for that, Mr. Stud down there's wide awake and listenin' ta us."
Sirius quickly opened his eyes at those last words, at exactly the same moment a small hand grabbed the front of his suit and effortlessly lifted up the man's body to then hold him in the air, with that wizard's boots dangling a few inches from the stone floor of the immense cavern. Gaping downwards into the furious face of the short blonde woman bearing without the slightest strain his entire weight upon her left arm while also carelessly holding a massive axe in her other hand, Sirius' mouth hung open in shock, until he said the totally unforgivable.
(Before we continue, it must be revealed that the hero of our story possesses a truly idiosyncratic talent. Wake Sirius up instantly from the deepest possible slumber after consuming enough firewhiskey to paralyze the Hogwarts giant squid, and that wizard could still manage to ignore his excruciating hangover to instantly and correctly identify his latest bed partner by her name. However, this was often accompanied by the genuinely abysmal ability to add the worst possible remark, such as "Haven't you left already?")
Which meant when a dangling Sirius Black then woozily stared down into a familiar face that he'd gotten to know quite well just a few hours ago and which currently possessed an extremely infuriated expression directed right at him, to then hastily shift his gaze further downwards at a certain part of this female's anatomy also thoroughly explored back then, that wizard had absolutely no choice but to blurt out, "Helen, how'd you get here, and what in Merlin's name happened to your tits? It looks like they just disappeared!"
After that supremely unwise statement, Sirius began at once to sense he was in some kind of trouble. No doubt due to how the brunette woman standing by his captor immediately dropped to the cavern floor shrieking with laughter while gleefully holding her sides. Though, the wizard barely noticed this, as he instead observed with total horror the fires of Hell slowly igniting in the eyes of the blonde girl clutching the front of his suit. Particularly when her left arm yet holding him off the floor didn't quiver the slightest when this clearly unfamiliar person slowly lifted up her other hand gripping the immense axe somehow acquired from the still-guffawing woman on the floor, and she then gently prodded Sirius Black right in his groin with the tip of that razor-sharp weapon.
Holding the Scythe steady there with all of her superhuman prowess, so that it penetrated only a few threads into the pants fly of that guy she was going to perform a really nasty atrocity upon right at the next time he said something stupid, a beyond-fury Buffy Summers gritted in a voice that sounded like rocks being crushed: "Talk. Now."
His mouth hanging open, a terrified Sirius didn't dare to move a single muscle, lest this cause his body (and one particular organ, actually) to shift any closer to that finely-honed blade of the axe that was being held with surgical precision against what presently felt like it was trying on its own to climb up his back. In a desperate search for any way out of his horrible predicament, Sirius contacted his Animagus personality inside that wizard's mind, and the man now had the following disquieting impression regarding his canine Grim manifestation:
A large, black-furred dog was cringingly crouched down, his hindquarters currently the highest part of that terrified animal's body, tail furtively held down and coweringly curled inwards, rear legs protectively crossed over themselves, while further up, the dog's lowered chest, throat, and muzzle were pressed against the mental landscape, front paws fearfully placed over his tightly-closed eyes, and submissive whimpers being blubbered out past flapping lips.
*Whine. Whine. Whine.*
Author's Note: Well, that's how this story ends. Kindly tone down your howls of disappointment; I came up with that conclusion right from the beginning of composing what you've just read, from Sirius going through the Veil to where it finished with him being threatened with castration by Buffy. And for me, at least, it's just as much fun to contemplate whatever happened next as it is to write it.
Which I may, or may not. Don't hold your breath for a sequel, though.
Still, while I was writing this (and also buoyed up by everyone's reviews - thank you, all!), I did come up with several ideas, which might answer the following questions:
Assuming the proper groveling explanations have been made; among the other revelations, will Faith be the one to gleefully suggest that Doin'-It-Sirius can only travel to the next reality if he actually does have sex with every woman in the cavern?
And if that's accurate, how is that going to be possible, when one Buffy Summers gives this abashed wizard her most evil Look of Death every time she encounters him afterwards in the still-standing town of Sunnydale, along with accompanying finger twitches that spitefully indicate she would far, far prefer to slice, dice, and make julienne fries of Little Sirius?
Is Sirius himself going to postpone that tricky proposal, to instead drown his sorrows with Giles' best Scotch over learning about a certain British fantasy writer's series of novels and the several movies that have been made so far from her books?
Finally, how is our hero going to react to the recent news that the casting for the coming Harry Potter films includes the actor Gary Oldman as the character of Sirius Black?
(I have this enchanting mental picture of a drunken wizard delivering a slurred, atrocious version of 'Anarchy in the UK' at the Bronze during karaoke night…)