Author: StormyFireDragon PM
What happens if Harry was raised differently. This story has OOC characters and loads of laughs. Longer preview inside. It is hinted that Cedric and Harry will be a couple, but as Harry is only 11-12 in the story, NOTHING comes about it.Rated: Fiction M - English - Humor/Adventure - Harry P. & Hermione G. - Chapters: 13 - Words: 67,906 - Reviews: 550 - Favs: 405 - Follows: 322 - Updated: 05-14-11 - Published: 11-11-10 - Status: Complete - id: 6469013
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
DISCLAIMER – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own anything except the plot.
DISCLAIMER 2 – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.
NOTE – You guys are AWESOME. I will do my best to keep this story funny and amusing. It will seem kind of off, and it probably will be. For those of you that are enjoying this story, it just means that you are just as twisted and warped as I am. PLEASE NOTE that there is NO slash in this fic as of yet. There might be some in later chapters, but I am not sure. I am just concentrating on making you laugh rather than a funny story.
NOTE 2 – A HUGE thank you goes to my mom for a part in this story. The woman taught me all I know about being twisted. Thank you to all my fabulous readers that are egging me on.
Chapter 13 – I Can't take It Anymore
Hi all and welcome back to as strange as it gets. Last time we entered the story we had three crackpots going around and causing mayhem wherever they went. We are here today to see what became of our miscreants and what new hell they have inflicted on Hogwarts.
"Harry I think you need to come here," called Hermione. "There is a problem in the Great Hall again."
"What is going on this time?" he asked out of curiosity. "I don't think I can take another episode of those that are stupid."
"Well I think Professor McGonagall is about to strangle the daylights out of DumDum, Vollysmarts, and Lockfart," she replied. "Your Aunt might have to come to the school again and keep her from going on a killing spree."
"Why are you bothering me with this," he asked angrily. "You know how to contact her just as easy as I do. She would come on the run if she knew that something was amiss in the school. She always does. She was the best thing that has happened to this school since we came here."
"I really think you should come and offer Professor McGonagall some moral support," insisted Hermione. "You are the heir of the founders after all."
"Very well," sighed Harry as he followed her out of the room. "Lead the way. We can always grab a house elf along the way to get Aunt Petunia for us."
When they got to the Great Hall they paused. Both Harry and Hermione were floored by what they were seeing. Dumbledore was sitting there looking like Captain Kirk. Voldemort was acting like Mr. Data and Lockhart was dressed like Lieutenant O'Hura. He was even attempting to do the fan dance. Unfortunately for those watching it was obscene and rude.
"Why is there a Star Trek stage set up in the Great Hall?" asked Harry to Professor McGonagall. "Should this even be allowed here?"
"Is that what this nonsense is?" she asked angrily. "I heard they were up to something but I couldn't figure out what it was."
"Will you three shut up?" yelled Dumbledore. "We are trying to fight the Borg here. Get out of the way of my viewing screen."
"DID YOU JUST TELL ME TO SHUT UP ALBUS DUMBLEDOR?" screamed McGonagall conjuring a bullwhip. "There is only three days left of school and you three are still causing all sorts of mayhem around here. I have had enough and I am going to teach you all a lesson."
"SCOTTY!" called Dumbledore. "Please beam our prisoners to the quarantine station. They are on the bridge and are causing trouble."
Everyone looked around for a person named Scotty. When they didn't disappear, Dumbledore went to the side room and pulled a boy out by his ear and became to berate and shake him.
"Why do you never listen to what I tell you?" snapped the old man. "I am the Captain of this vessel and I told you to get the riff raff off the main deck. I will have you court marshaled for this."
By this time Minerva, Severus and Filius all had their wands trained on Dumbledore. A Stinging Hex, A silencing Charm, and an Impedimenta Jinx, all hit the old wizard.
"We are not going to tell you again about man handling the students," said Minerva pulling out her paddle and nodding to Filius and Severus to make Albus assume the position.
Ten minutes, and one hundred whacks with the paddle later and Dumbledore was sent to his room. When they looked around Voldemort and Lockhart had disappeared. Minerva pulled out her wand and caused the scene to disappear. She sent the student to Poppy to make sure that he was alright. With a sigh the students and teachers went to their rooms for the night.
The next day there was a new headache to deal with. Lockhart had made a few stick hand thingies and was going around the castle shouting at the top of his lungs trying to sell his products.
"BUTT SCRATCHERS," he yelled. "GET YOUR BUTT SCRATCHER. A BUTT SCRATCHER FOR YOU PARRY NOTTER?"
"No thanks," said Harry looking shocked at Lockhart. "I don't think I want one thanks. They stink like they have already been used."
"BUTT SCRATCHER," said Lockhart a little more forcefully. "BUTT SCRATCHER!"
"I said no you fruitcake," said Harry more forcefully. "I don't want something that has already been used and I don't want something that will be used near my bum. Now get away from me before I have you arrested for assault."
"Of course they have been used you stupid little boy," snapped Gilderoy. "We have to test the product before we can sell it now don't we?"
"That is just disgusting and a lot disturbing," said Harry backing away. "Get away from me now before I let loose and make you regret it."
Dumbledore and Voldemort both came up screaming about Butt Scratchers. When they saw Harry alone in the hallway all three converged on the young man demanding that he buy a butt scratcher.
"I said that I don't want one," yelled Harry making a warding gesture with his hands. "Get away from me."
No sooner had his hands come down when one hundred angry cats descended on the terrible trio and started scratching them. All three older wizards took off running from the animals while screaming in pain. Hermione was laughing at the scene as some of the angry spitting cats were lions and tigers.
"This is the Harry that we all love," she said coming around the corner holding on to a laughing Cedric. "We knew that you could handle the situation."
"Why were you hiding around the corner?" asked Harry when he looked at them. "I could have used your help just now."
"We have already been hit by them," said Cedric. "They are badgering the staff and students to buy the stupid things. According to them now that you have all of their money, they have to do something to get some back."
"By selling used pieces of wood to scratch your bum?" asked Harry incredulously. "That is just disgusting. I am sure they used those things on themselves. Have they sold any so far?"
"Quirrel, Lucius, Draco, and Ronald Weasley have all bought one," said Hermione. "Crabbe and Goyle have also bought one. We aren't sure why though. We are trying to get the students to stop encouraging them, but we know they enjoy it as much as I do when they get beaten up."
"That figures," grumbled Harry. "Just next time when you see all three of them attacking me at once could you please get help of some sort? It could have been much worse."
"Of course we can Harry," said Cedric draping an arm over his shoulders. "Aunt Petunia would never forgive us if something happened to you."
"When did you all start calling her Aunt Petunia?" asked a confused Harry.
"Most of the students do it," said Hermione. "My mother is Aunt Jean. We also have Aunt Molly and Aunt Narcissa. They are the ones that are doing the most to protect us. They all agreed that we should just call them Aunt."
"Harry?" called Minerva coming down the hall towards the trio. "Do you know anything about the terrible trio and a horde of angry cats running around the grounds?"
"Yes I do Aunt Minerva," admitted Harry. "They were pushing their butt scratchers on me and I got upset when all three cornered me. You know how my magic gets when I am in some sort of danger. It is even worse when it is Malfoy or those three. When I brought my hands down the cats came out of now where and started after them."
"Four hundred points to you for being able to finally get them out of the castle," said Minerva walking away with a smile. "It is the first time we can keep them out of the castle for a bit."
Of course the good vibe would not last. The next morning when they entered the Great Hall they were surprised to see what was equivalent to a three ring circus in the room. Voldemort was swinging from a swing hanging from the ceiling while screaming.
"I AM A BIRD," he yelled. "POLLY WANTS A CRACKER. FEED ME BITCHES."
"What did he just call everyone?" asked Minerva pulling out her wand. "Did he say what I think he just said?"
"I think he called us all bitches," said Hermione quickly pulling out her own wand. "I think he was really talking to you though Aunt Minerva."
"That is what I thought also," said Minerva casting a cutting hex on the ropes and watched as Voldemort flew out of the window.
Hermione was giggling at the scene before her.
"That is one hundred points from Slytherin Miss Granger," said Dumbledore. "You will not get other people in trouble. He was not calling anyone a bitch. It is just an expression."
"I have warned you people about using street slang," said Harry. "It is NEVER in good taste and it is poor grammar to boot."
"I agree with Harry," said Hermione. "That was in poor taste. Professor McGonagall is doing here best to run a school here and you three are causing trouble. It is time for all of this to end."
"YOU were egging them on," pointed out Harry. "You are always egging them on to get them into trouble. I have told you they don't need your help for that as you can plainly see. They are quite skilled at it all on their own."
"Mind you own business midget," said Dumbledore again. "One hundred points from Hufflepuff for sticking your nose where it doesn't belong."
"Do you even know what house your students are in?" asked a curious Harry in spite of himself. "You have just taken points from her twice and for different houses. How is that fair to the other houses when you aren't even attempting to take points from the correct house. It isn't like the castle is allowing it anyway. At least not from you three."
"What is your point little boy?" asked Dumbledore. "You are such a pain in the ass Potter. I will take one thousand points from you and I will also make sure that you are removed from the chocolate frog cards."
"Does he even know that you aren't on the cards?" asked Cedric quietly.
"Who knows what is going on in his mind," commented Severus while attempting to assist Minerva is righting the Great Hall so that the students could get in to eat. "I think he has finally lost all of his marbles."
"He didn't lose them," said Gilderoy. "I have been stealing them."
"NOT THOSE KIND OF MARBLES YOU DING BAT," yelled Hermione. "He meant his mental facilities you imbecile."
"Miss Granger," admonished Minerva holding her chest. "Ten points will be deducted from Ravenclaw for that outburst. I have already told you that you are fighting with unarmed opponents."
"Sorry Professor," said a sheepish Hermione. "I tend to forget that all three of them are fit for the loony bin."
"Quite understandable," replied Minerva. "You really should stop yelling at people. Leave that for us adults. We are more than capable of yelling at them."
"Stupid mudblood," sneered Draco. "She has to stick her nose everywhere it doesn't belong."
By the time that he finished his sentence, Draco spun off the floor and was lifted all the way to the ceiling where his head went through the roof and he was hanging by his head from the ceiling.
"Harry," remarked Minerva. "Please head up to the next floor and place a Silencer on Mr. Malfoy. Make sure it is a strong one as I don't want to hear from him for the rest of the school term. He has already failed his courses again and will have to repeat first year again next year. As if he has any room to talk about anyone sticking their noses into people's business. I spend half my time rescuing him from inanimate objects and ghosts."
"Is he even going to be allowed next year?" asked a confused Severus as Harry left to do her bidding. "The boy spends more time in trouble than in the class room."
"We need something to keep us amused don't we?" asked Minerva with a grin. "While it may be more work to rescue him all the time, he does make for a good laugh at his stupidity. Mr. Weasley will be repeating second year. So we have another one that we need to keep watch on."
"Wait," said Hermione. "Are you telling me that Draco is repeating his first year while we are moving to third year?"
"That is correct Miss Granger," replied Severus. "He has failed each and every class again for not only not completing the work required, but is never learning the material in the first place due to always fighting with his equipment. Let's not forget that he is not in the classes half the time anyway."
"I must have missed something somewhere," said Hermione. "What is the latest on the Draco Saga?"
"He was picking on Mr. Longbottom again in Herbology when the plants decided to treat him like a muggle magician's dart board."
"What do you mean?" asked a confused Hermione.
"You know the trick where they have the woman on the board and they throw knives at her?" asked Severus.
"But they don't," said Hermione shocked. "The trick is that the knives pop in from the back of the board. It is an illusion and it isn't real."
"Well the plants in the greenhouse decided to make it real," said Pomona answering her. "They hung him up and started spinning him while the plants started sending spikes at him. As you know some of those plants have dagger like spikes. He was hit no less than eleven times during his forty rotations. Not only did we have to patch the holes up in his body, but he was sick for three days from all the spinning."
"Gilderoy what are you doing?" asked Minerva as she noticed the man huddled in a corner doing something.
"I am casting a spell stupid," he called over his shoulder. "I swear some people just are plain ignorant. I have a wand and I am waving it. What do you think I am doing? Dumb old besom is always asking me to explain shit when she should already know. I swear she is so stupid sometimes."
"With you there is no telling," snapped Minerva ignoring the slight on her intelligence. "What type of spell are you casting?"
"Wouldn't you like to know hooker?" he sneered back. "Mind your own business. I am busy."
"Did he just use the bathroom on the floor?" asked Harry pointing to where the man was squatting. "That is just disgusting. How are we supposed to eat here if he is using it as his personal loo?"
"Stupid boy," said Gilderoy as he stood. "This is no longer a dining room. It is a pig sty. I have created a new brand of pigs."
"But that is illegal," said Hermione. "You can't do that. The Minister of Magic will have you arrested for this."
"There is no Minster for magic you stupid little girl," said Gilderoy. "Five million points from Gryffindor."
"Amelia Bones is the Minister," said Minerva angrily. "Don't you even pay attention anymore? She was voted in last year when Fudgie retired."
"Fudgie?" asked Severus.
"That is what Petunia calls him," explained to the group. "It sort of stuck after. Do you know he is still in St Mungo's and is having his brain repaired from all that happened to him last year? The Healer's say they don't think he will ever recover."
A herd of pigs walked over to Minerva a spit on her. From there they walked to Harry and spit at him. As they were heading out of the Great Hall they spit at everyone that they passed.
"SPITTING PIGS," crowed a happy Lockhart. "BUTT SCRATCHER? GET YOUR BUTT SCRATCHER!"
"Not that again," said Harry sending a stinging hex at Lockhart. "If I hear that call once more I think I will puncture my ear drums."
"Harry Potter," called Dumbledore and Lockhart at the same time.
What happened next was a feat in of itself. Both men realized that they did something that they shouldn't have as their bodies decided to really teach them a lesson. Both forms of gas while emanating a disgusting smell started to play a tune. Those that had cast the Bubble Head Charm on themselves were listening with interest as the tune of Dueling Banjo's began to play. From there the tune switched to the Chicken Dance. After that, the songs switched with rapidity from one to the next as both Lockhart and Dumbledore passed out from the fumes and the toll that passing that much gas inflicted on their bodies.
"I have an idea," said Petunia from the doorway once the gas ended.
Before she was able to tell her idea, Voldemort snuck back in and whispered where others could hear.
"It's me again Margaret," he said singing the Ray Stevens song. "Is this Mrs. Margaret? I bet you can't guess what I'm doing."
He was going through the motions of standing in a phone booth and making a prank call. The others were standing there with their mouths open as he did this. When he finished that he looked at Petunia and pointed his finger at her.
"If you don't give me the deed to your ranch I will saw you in half," he exclaimed.
"And then he grabbed her," said the students. "And then he tied her up. He turned on the buzz saw. And then. And Then."
"Along came Jones," sang the other students. "Tall thin Jones. Slow walking Jones. Slow talking Jones. Along came lonely, lanky Jones."
"Are we going to have the Mississippi Squirrel Revival next?" asked an amused Harry in spite of the situation. "OH NO! EVERYONE RUUUN!"
No less than one thousand squirrels appeared and were making mayhem in the Great Hall. Gospel women appeared and were screaming about naming names and overalls and girdles and crossing thighs and talking about their love lives. It was utter pandemonium.
"Harry," said Minerva catching her breath. "Please cut us some slack. We are not as young as we used to be and we can't run as fast as you youngsters can."
"I swear it was an accident," said a wailing Harry. "I didn't mean to."
"Relax Harry," said Petunia. "We know that you didn't mean to. Things like this happen to you all the time. Your magic has gotten a lot better since you were having bouts of accidental magic all over the place. Your control has gotten better."
"It was amusing even if it was painful," said Minerva. "You must listen to a lot of music to have known what boldybops was talking about. Who is Ray Stevens?"
"He is a comedian singer," explained Hermione. "He has done songs like the ones sung so far. If you look at the terrible trio they are doing another of his popular songs."
"Which on is that?" asked Minerva staring at a man in a loin cloth, a woman in a skimpy outfit, and a monkey. "I am not familiar with muggle music."
"They are doing Guitarzan," said Petunia. "It was a number one hit of Ray Stevens back in the sixties. Oh look now they are doing Ahab the Arab."
"Chief of the burning sands," echoed the students.
"Oh dear," said Minerva. "What are they doing with that camel?"
"I don't think we need to see this," said Harry turning away. "Hermione for once please DON'T look. You are twisted enough as it is."
"They have Ronald Weasley by his hair and are dressing him up as a harem girl," protested Hermione. "It is getting pretty funny actually."
"Hermione what that camel is doing to Mr. Weasley is NOT funny and you will turn around this instant or get detention," said Minerva at her wits end watching the scene before her. "It is bad enough that… Oh no what is going on now?"
"It looks like the old coot is proposing," said Severus. "He just placed a diamond ring on Weasley's finger."
"That is just sick," said Harry. "Ron just turned thirteen. What a pedophile. It is seriously getting out of hand and I am unanimous in this."
"Are you serious?" asked Cedric. "Did you just make a Mrs. Slocum remark?"
"No I keep telling you all," called Dumbledore. "He isn't Sirius. I had him thrown in Azkaban without a trial. He is never getting out BWAA HA HA HA."
By this time a very pissed off Voldemort approached Dumbledore. He slapped him in the face a few times.
"YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED AN EVIL LAUGH," he said punctuating each word with a slap. "I AM THE DARK LORD HERE AND NOT YOU. If I ever hear you give an evil laugh again I will strip you naked and do things to you."
"My godfather is in jail and never got a trial?" asked Harry. "We have to do something about this."
"We will," said Petunia. "Don't worry about that. What is oldwart doing now?"
"It looks like he is giving Bumblefloor an atomic wedgie," said Cedric in awe. 'I didn't think underwear could go that far over someone's head. He has attached it to his chin and is beating him with a two by four."
"Should we break it up?" asked Minerva. "Someone can get seriously hurt."
"Nah," said Petunia. "Now that they are mad at each other maybe we can have a little peace and quiet for ourselves for a bit."
"Good thinking," said Minerva. "We have a closing feast for tomorrow. I need to talk to Amelia about getting Sirius out of jail and given a trial. From there I need to find someone for the post of Transfiguration as the Board of Governors has finally convinced me to take the posted of Head Mistress of the School."
As they were talking a herd of spitting pigs passed them and covered them is spittle as each on spit at the assembled party.
"Just one more day," Harry said cleaning them all. "We can get rid of at least one of them in just one more day. From there we can put competent teachers in the post of transfiguration, History of Magic, and DADA."
"Who has been teaching History of Magic?" asked Minerva. "I forgot that Binns was exorcised."
"I have," said Harry. "All Binns was doing was repeating what was in the book. I found his tests and stuff and have been administering them to the classes. It was not that hard to do actually."
"How are you still attending all of your classes while teaching History?" asked Severus shocked.
"Professors Vector, Sprout, Trelawney, and Burbage have been helping," said Harry. "We have been trading spots. When I have a free period, I teach and when I don't, one of them takes it from there. Once they heard how easy it was to teach the subject, it was fairly simple to get the students to do the work."
"No wonder the grades have been so much improved," admitted Minerva. "Harry you have saved us one more year. Don't forget that third year you get to take your electives."
"I am going to take Arithmancy and Runes," said Harry. "I refuse to have anything to do with Divination. COMC is fun so I will do that one as well. If we can get enough professors to fill the spots then I can have a normal year for once."
"Well you are already studying at a fourth year level so it will be easier," said Minerva. "Very well then, I approve. I think that it is time to get those three out of the area so that people can actually enter the castle."
With that the adults along with Hermione, Harry, and Cedric entered the castle to fix the rights that were caused once more by the terrible trio.
AUTHOR'S NOTE – I know it isn't as funny as previous work, but I thought I would give it a try. Hope you all like it.