|Not Just Another Fake Boyfriend Story
Author: SoapMaster PM
Uchiha Sasuke's life was never normal. Neither was Uzumaki Naruto's. But as soon as Sasuke made that proposition, things started going to hell. Warnings: mental disease, sexual assault, alcoholism, and organized crime. NaruSasuNaru, side pairings: KibaGaa, ShikaIno, SuiHina, NejiSaku.Rated: Fiction M - English - Angst/Romance - Naruto U. & Sasuke U. - Chapters: 39 - Words: 287,708 - Reviews: 535 - Favs: 238 - Follows: 349 - Updated: 12-16-12 - Published: 11-11-10 - id: 6469767
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, or Sasuke, or Sakura, or Ino, or Shikamaru, or…well, you get the picture.
Blanket Warning: This story will involve adult themes and issues. Such issues include explicit sexuality, rape, mental illness, organized crime, illegal medical experimentation, homosexuality, and death.
At the start of the story, I'd like to thank everyone who has helped with this story. I've had three betas: LoveUntilWeBleed, Merciless Angels Never Cry, and SingingSparklyKuma, all of whom betaed different chapters for me at different times. Still, there remain many chapters that are unbetaed which I hope to have betaed in the future. I'd also like to thank everyone who has reviewed, favorited, or subscribed to the story. Kind words help inspire me with the story, and knowing there are people waiting with baited breath for the next installment definitely lights a fire under my ass to keep working.
This is the rewritten version of Chapter 1, revised on 9-18-12. This chapter is unbetaed.
Chapter One: Fucking Fangirls!
Sasuke Uchiha wasn't in a very good mood this morning, although that's hardly unusual. He's not exactly what one would call a "morning person", and he's certainly not what one would call a "people person". So of course, when he is forced to spend time with people in the morning, he's going to be miserable.
It didn't improve things that he was being mobbed by about three or four girls at the moment. If there was any particular type of person he loathed more than any other, it would be girls, or at least the ones around here. He couldn't go anywhere without some fangirl following him, whether he was in class, at home, or using the fucking bathroom!
Sasuke hated mornings, people, and fan girls. And wouldn't you know that going to school daily involved all three of those.
He didn't dislike school because of the schoolwork, though, which is probably unusual. If he wasn't cursed with good looks, he'd actually be the definition of a geek. He likes his physics class, and his calculus class is the height of his day. He enjoys history, and even his English class is interesting. So it's not really the schoolwork that gives him his distaste for school at all.
Mostly, he dislikes the people at the school, and, more importantly, how much free time some of these girls have on their hands. They must be cutting class to pester him, because they're around him nearly 24/7. At this very moment, he was being surrounded by six of his fangirls who wanted nothing more than for him to realize that he was madly in love with them. Ha! As if!
"Get your hand off Sasuke-kun!" one of them – a girl with orange hair and really weird glasses – said to the others. "He's going to get mad if you keep trying to tear us apart.
"Shut up Sasame!" another one, a girl with black hair and blue eyes, said to the first one. "I saw him first, and we all know that it was love at first sight with Sasuke." She looked at her crush with hearts almost visible in her eyes. He rolled his own eyes in response.
"Yeah, he fell in love…with me," exclaimed a redheaded girl with red glasses and red eyes. "Just admit Sasuke belongs with me and leave us alone!" Another girl was about to protest, but Sasuke seemed to have had enough. One of them was trying to grope him as he walked down the lunch line getting food, and the others were trying to pet him like a dog. Why the fuck does this happen to me? There have to be better looking guys at this school than me!
"Will you get OFF me?" he yelled at the top of his lungs, startling everybody in the room. Suddenly, Sasuke felt all eyes on him as the fangirls quieted and watched their idol like an erupting volcano.
"Look what you did Tsure," the redhead muttered. "You got him all mad!"
Sasuke ignored her, choosing instead to take his tray the table his friends were sitting at. If he stayed, he'd probably end up in prison for murder. Those girls are the most annoying human beings he'd ever seen! Especially when they squeal. Whose idea was it to bestow vocal chords to the female gender?
He had to wonder what's wrong with them. Every day, they all hound him like sharks smelling blood in the water, and every day he tells them to fuck off or go to hell or leave him the fuck alone. But do they get the picture? Of course not. Why would they leave him alone just because he tells them daily that he has no desire to be anywhere near them? That would be logical, and if there's anything a fangirl is lacking, it's logic.
It seemed these fangirls got rowdier and rowdier every day, and Sasuke was at a loss about what to do. They'd already managed to get past the privacy block on his facebook, find out his e-mail address and phone number, and even found out where he lives. Did celebrities have this much trouble with fans? He sighed and continued walking towards his table, angrily throwing down his tray as he approached.
"Fan girls again?" asked Sasuke's friend, Neji, when Sasuke sat down across from him. Neji was the first friend Sasuke ever made, and, although they weren't best friends, Neji had always been there for Sasuke. Even after the fan girls trampled Neji in the mall just to get to Sasuke, Neji didn't care much. He just learned to never stand between a fangirl and the object of her obsession.
Neji was probably the one person in the school richer than him. Not that it was Neji's money, of course – it was all his father's. Hiashi Hyuga owned Hyuga Corp, a corporate conglomerate in the same vein as Viacom, Proctor & Gamble, or General Electric. If Neji's father wasn't a billionaire, he was certainly a millionaire, although the subject of money rarely came up between them.
Neji's cousin, Hinata, sat next to him. Hinata Hyuga might have been the shiest person Sasuke ever met, and that suited him just fine. The shier a girl was, the less likely she would turn out to be a rabid fan girl. In fact, she might be the one girl that never went crazy over him. She had a slight crush on him for a while, but she was never bold enough to accost Sasuke like his other fangirls.
On Neji's other side was his girlfriend, Tenten. The two had been close friends since they were in karate together in middle school, and they had grown closer since high school started. She and Neji had started officially going out last year, and ever since then, the two had been inseparable. Tenten was shy to really open up and become friends with the whole group, but now she was very pleasant and outgoing.
Sasuke sat down next to Gaara, who was much quieter than Neji, Hinata, and Tenten. He wasn't shy like Hinata was, but he didn't really speak unless he had reason to. He's pretty easy to talk to, though. Gaara was the closest Sasuke came to a best friend, mostly because he and Gaara had so much in common, including their distaste for loud, obnoxious, clingy fan girls.
On Gaara's other side was Sakura Haruno, an attractive, smart girl with pink hair. She's another one of the few girls Sasuke doesn't constantly want to throw off a skyscraper. She had been a fangirl throughout elementary and middle school, but around sophomore year, she decided to cool down. She eventually became friends with them due to her friendship with Hinata.
"I wish I could just do something to make them go away," Sasuke grumbled as he ate his pasta. "Is it too much to ask for a little peace and quiet for the last semester of high school?"
"You know what you need to do," Sakura began, sounding as if she had a piece of sagely wisdom she was going to impart on him. Heh, as if. Every idea she came up with for this problem was ridiculous. Sasuke raised his eyebrow in response, waiting to hear what brilliant suggestion the ex-fangirl had to deter his current ones. "You need to just go out with someone and they'll leave you alone." He sighed. She'd already suggested that, and it was still not going to happen.
"Yeah, because it's that easy," Tenten said sarcastically. "There are only three girls who aren't in love with him, and we're sitting at this table." Sakura waved the dismissal away with her hand. She always got like this whenever an idea of hers was shut down.
"It's better than nothing," Sakura said. She got quiet for a bit, but spoke up once more with another plan of action that was equally flawed. "You could always pretend to be gay, and then they'd have to leave you alone. Not even they could be so delusional as to believe that they'd stand a chance with a gay guy." That idea received a ton of eye rolling from the table, and a pointed glare from Sasuke in her direction.
It wasn't that she suggested ruining his reputation or flipping his life upside down that had upset him, because he really didn't give a flying fuck about that. He would really have no problem doing that if it wasn't for one small little issue. He is gay. Only Sakura and Gaara know about it, and they both know that Sasuke wants to keep it a secret as long as possible. Neji and Hinata came from a very old-fashioned, conservative family, and he didn't know how they'd react. And then there was his brother, although Itachi probably wouldn't care – he never really cared about Sasuke all that much.
"I'm not gay," Sasuke said, mostly for the benefit of Neji and Hinata, the words accompanied by a pointed glare that said 'ixnay on the aygay in front of the ejinay and inatahay'.
"Does it really matter?" Sakura asked, unfazed by the glare. "It's not like it'll really ruin your reputation – we're seniors, so no one's really going to care. It's just high school."
"I think I'll take my chances with the crazy fan girls," Sasuke replied.
"Fine," she said with a shrug. She looked over her shoulder and her eyes landed on a blond haired boy who was sitting across the room. His eyes were trained on their table, but he quickly looked away, some color on his cheeks. She smirked and turned to Hinata. "I think Naruto might have a crush on you," she whispered to her loudly enough for their entire table to ear, causing the shy girl to blush profusely. As always, Sakura's obliviousness was astounding.
"He's obviously staring at you," Sasuke said with a scoff. He'd caught Naruto staring at Sakura before, but it didn't really matter. Sakura had eyes for only one guy in the entire school, and he was sitting at the table, holding hands with his girlfriend underneath the table. Poor girl. She turned around once more to look at Naruto, who was now eating his food and focusing on his own friends.
"He is pretty hot, I guess," she said as she turned around. "There's no doubt about that, right, Sasuke?" Sasuke sent her another pointed look, which seemed to be enough to make her shut up.
"If he's so hot, then why am I the one with fangirls?" the Uchiha grumbled, still trying to figure out a way out of the current situation. He knew that even if he took Sakura's suggestion to come out, it wouldn't work. The fangirls would be blinded by illusions of turning him straight. If anything, it'll make them want Sasuke more. You know, the whole adage about wanting what we can't have.
Before the conversation could go any further, the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. Sasuke's next class was history, which he had with Hinata and Sakura. There were other kids in the class, of course, but Sasuke didn't really care about any of them. The only one who actually made an impression on him was this kid who was too lazy to show up to class most days but still got straight A's. He's the reason why Sasuke is going to be salutatorian and not valedictorian.
Their teacher, Iruka one of the nicest teachers in the whole school. He let anyone get away with almost anything, and a lot of people walked over him like a doormat. His complacent attitude actually backfired when it came to Sasuke, because that meant that he let the fangirls sit next to the poor Uchiha and talk to him the entire class. Sasuke liked to show up late most days so that he could sit in a spot that has no open seats around it. If he went early, the girls would all sit near him, and he'd start contemplating ways to kill them all again.
As Sasuke walked, he heard a fangirl shriek his name, and he winced at the sheer volume. Was this the mating call of the wild fangirl? Sasuke turned to see which fangirl it was, starting to get randomly angry at the whole situation. They must be of another species – one that lacked common sense and social skills.
"Sasuke-kun!" said the red haired fangirl who had been bothering him at lunch. He vaguely recognized her as having harassed him in history class, and he sighed. "I was wondering if you wanted to sit next to me in history today," she offered, flipping her hair in a flirtatious manner. Sasuke rolled his eyes and grunted a response that was supposed to sound like 'no', but must have ended up sounding like 'Sure, and afterwards we can go out to dinner and have sex on the beach,' if her giggling meant anything.
Sasuke decided he had to be explicit with them, as they would take anything that wasn't flat out rejection as encouragement, and the last thing he needed to do was encourage them. He shuddered just thinking about that. "I'm already sitting next to somebody else."
"Aw," she said, pouting. If there was anything worse than the shrieking and squealing, it had to be the coy pouts that were meant to look cute. It had to be a girl thing because they all did it any time he turned them down. "Please, Sa-su-ke-kun?" Oh, he really hated that. He couldn't go a day without someone 'playfully' annunciating every single syllable of his name. He wondered – not for the first time – if the fact that she was annoying could make it justifiable homicide. Because quite frankly, he felt quite inclined to push her down the stairs.
"No," he insisted, turning away to make it to history class. Of course, she'd have to follow him to get there too, but he didn't really care. He was followed by so many girls that he was used to it. It wasn't the following that got him anymore, so much as it was the verbal and physical harassment.
He finally arrived at his history class, and he noticed that there were three seats. Two of them were next to each other, and he knew that if he sat at either one, that girl (Koren or Keisha or something…he didn't really remember) would take the other one, and he'd be forced to kill either her or himself. The third seat was in the back and was situated between the school genius who showed up for once and Naruto. Sighing, he walked towards the and sat down as the bell rang.
"It's time for your quarterly assignments," Iruka said. "For this project, you will be in pairs that I choose." A chorus of 'awws' were heard through the classroom. "Your assignment will be an individual research paper and a twenty minute presentation in class on a historical figure of your choice."
Iruka-sensei opened his mouth to continue, but stopped when he saw Naruto raise his hand. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his scarred nose before speaking. "No, Naruto. Ichigo Kurosaki is not a historical figure." His unasked question having been answered, Naruto lowered his hand, a small giggle erupting through the classroom.
"Now, I am going to start assigning the partners," Iruka said. "Aburame Shino and Akimichi Choji." Sasuke spaced out, choosing to wait until he heard his name to pay attention. Until then, he was going to try and think about how to solve hisfangirl problems.
In theory, both of Sakura's ideas were good. Getting a girl to pretend to date him would logically make the fangirls give up, as would coming out as gay. Unfortunately, if he chose option #1, he would be hard-pressed to find a girl who wasn't annoying to go out with him. And then there was the problem that would arise should fangirls begin to threaten and harass her for dating him. As for option #2, he wasn't sure whether coming out would stop them like she hoped, or encourage them, as he feared.
Other than just massacring them all, those were the only two ideas that were even feasible. There needed to be some tweaking of one plan or the other to eliminate the flaws. Maybe find a girl who is not annoying and strong enough to defend herself. But that would only leave Sakura, and he wasn't sure whether he'd want to pretend to date her or not. That would probably be awkward. As for the other plan, coming out would be an empty gesture, and they'd all hold out hope unless he decided to date someone, and there was nobody he was even remotely interested in.
"Uchiha Sasuke and Uzumaki Naruto," Iruka-sensei continued, causing Sasuke to sigh in disappointment. With Naruto as his partner, he'd be doing all the work, or he'd have to really stay on top of the blond to make sure he was doing what he was supposed to. He's very energetic (see: annoying), and he's not exactly the brightest bulb in the box if you catch his drift. Still, it could be worse. He could be with Karin, or another fangirl.
"As I was saying, this assignment has multiple components," Iruka continued. "There's the research component, the presentation component, and the reflection component. You will decide with your partner on a historical figure that has helped shape America's history, and you will do extensive research on that person. You will compile the research into a research paper. Afterwards, we will have two presentations per class period, where you will each tell the class about the life and historical impact of the person you chose. Once you decide on a figure, tell me. No two groups can do the same person, and the selection will be first come, first serve. After your presentation, I want a two page reflection on your project. Tell me what you think you did well and what you think could have used improvement. If you were to grade this yourself, what would you give yourself? How would you rate your partner? What did/didn't they do that contributed in a positive/negative way to the efforts of the group?"
Sasuke began to tune out once more as the teacher went on. He began answering questions about the assignment, giving Sasuke more time to think about his problem. Continuing with his previous train of thought, the only way coming out would achieve anything would be if he decided to date someone. And since he wasn't interested in anyone, he would have to find someone to pretend to be his boyfriend, almost like a combination of Sakura's two ideas.
Sasuke stopped for a second. This train of thought had some merit. Guys, he found, were generally much less annoying than girls, and it was more unlikely that a fangirl would threaten a guy pretending to be his boyfriend than threaten a girl pretending to be his girlfriend. He slowly saw the holes in the two plans close as they meshed, but one problem still remained.
If he told Neji and Hinata that he was gay and their conservative values ruined their friendship with Sasuke, he didn't know what he'd do.
Suddenly, an idea came to him. If they react positively to him coming out, there would be no problem. If they didn't, then he could always back-track and tell them that it was all a plan to stop the fangirls. It sort of was, so it's not really a lie. It was perfect!
But who would decide to pretend to date him? Certainly not Neji, and probably not Gaara. They were too close to pretend to date, and it would be all sorts of awkward. He looked over at the boy sitting next to him, Shikamaru, and smirked. If he announced that he and Shikamaru were dating, the other boy would probably find it too bothersome to debunk rumors. It's not like he showed up enough for people to ask him questions anyway. He shook his head at the ridiculous thought, though. He did still have a reputation to uphold.
Eventually, Iruka-sensei stopped talking, and he gave the students the rest of the period to talk over the assignment with their partners. Sasuke sighed and turned to Naruto; he had to make his first priority in this project laying down the law for Naruto. He would not let him get an A off of all Sasuke's work while he did nothing.
"Come over to my house after school and we can start working on our project," Sasuke told Naruto, not leaving any room for discussion.
"Hi to you too," he said sarcastically. "Today's not really a good day for me, so I'll try to drop by over the weekend or something."
"No," Sasuke said, his voice authoritative. It was like training a dog – he had to show Naruto that he wasn't in control. He had to tell him that he couldn't be blasé about this. This was a serious assignment, and Sasuke wasn't doing everything for him.
"You're a pretty bossy bastard," Naruto said. "It's a wonder all the girls drool over you. They must find that stick up your ass attractive." Sasuke clenched his fists and gritted his teeth while sending the blond a glare. "You must be deaf too, because I told you I can't come."
"Why not?" Sasuke asked, daring Naruto to give him a valid excuse. "What else is more important than 10% of your grade?"
"Well, if you must know, I'm hanging out with my friends," Naruto said as if he had just spoken the magic words to make Sasuke submit to his demands. Oh, how wrong he was.
"You'll be coming over to my house afterschool," Sasuke repeated. "If you don't come, I'll just have to remember to put that in my reflection about my partner. 'We got off on the wrong foot when he decided that hanging out with his friends was more important than actually doing work.'" Naruto sent Sasuke a look that was a mixture between a glare and a pout, but Sasuke brushed it off. The bell rang, stopping the chance of Naruto saying anything more on the topic. Sasuke collected his books and walked out in the hallway towards his next class.
Psychology with Kakashi. It was the only elective he took, as it was the easiest A he could receive. After all, Kakashi always came to class 10-15 minutes late, and he was like an uncle to him. No, not like an uncle. He was like a father to the youngest Uchiha, but he wasn't forced to help him out because of his blood, he chose to. Ever since his parents died, he had been very close to Sasuke and his brother Itachi. As for the class itself, it was pretty interesting.
Most of his friends were in the class – Neji, Sakura, and Tenten. Naruto was in that class too, as were a few of his friends. The genius Shikamaru was there too, but he usually skipped or slept. And a few days after the semester began, Karin transferred in, probably to continue stalking Sasuke.
Anyway, he got in and sat in his usual seat – next to Sakura and Neji, behind Hinata. This was his favorite class, mostly because most of his friends were there.
"Hey Sasuke," Neji said as the Uchiha sat down. "How was history?"
"Hn," Sasuke grunted. "We were put in pairs for an assignment."
"Oh yeah," Sakura said, as if she forgot about it altogether. It was just five minutes ago! "Who's your partner?"
"Your favorite blond, Naruto Uzumaki," he scoffed. "Of course I got stuck with the dumbass who won't do any work."
"Of course you can get him to do work," Neji said with a smirk. "Just promise him that you'll put in a good word with Sakura if he does his assignment and he'll do it. You can have him wrapped around your finger and make him do anything. He'd probably do the entire assignment himself."
That's true. Sasuke never thought of it that way. If he could get Sakura to promise one single date between the two of them, Sasuke could have Naruto do whatever he wanted. Teenage guys were so easy to manipulate – all you had to do was get them a date or a hook-up with whoever they wanted. And it just so happened Naruto wanted Sasuke's friend.
"Sasuke!" yelled a voice from the back row. Recognizing it as his history partner's, the Uchiha turned to look at him. "How the hell am I supposed to know where you live?" Oh yeah. I forgot about that, Sasuke said to himself.
"Just follow me in my car after school," he said with a shrug.
"I don't even know which car is yours," he said, causing the raven to roll his eyes. Seriously, was this kid fucking retarded?
"We have health together as our last class," Sasuke said angrily. "Just follow me to my car." He started to rub his temples, willing his headache to go away. It was like any time he spoke he had to be loud. Maybe Sasuke was just allergic to his loudness…could he use that as an excuse to get another partner?
"Fine!" Naruto exclaimed in an offended tone of voice. "You don't have to be an ass about it!" Sasuke growled, his increasing volume not helping his headache any. Instead of continuing to talk to him, Sasuke chose to turn his back towards him and return talking to his friends.
It ended up being one of those days when Kakashi was later than usual. After going over the homework and handing back last week's test (Sasuke got 99), there was no time left to class.
All that was left to his day was Health with Jiraya. He was the brother of the music teacher, Orochimaru, and the principal, Tsunade. He must have gotten his job because of nepotism, because hiring that pervert as a health teacher was wrong on so many levels.
"Alright class, how was your weekend?" he asked after the bell rang. No one answered him, as usual, knowing what he'd say next. "Any of you have sex?" The first day he said it, some people gaped and looked at each other. The second time he said it, it was still mortifying to some people, but entertaining to others. But he said it each and every Monday, and the shock had worn off. It was as casual as 'how's the weather' to his students by now.
"Today, we will be discussing female anatomy," he announced.
"Of course," Sasuke muttered. Every day it was the same lesson over and over again. Female anatomy again and again and again. It wasn't just Sasuke who was sick about hearing about vaginas – even the straight kids in the room were pretty fed up by this point.
"Hey Jiraya!" Naruto called from the back of the room. Sasuke sighed and put his head down. Of course Naruto would call Jiraya by his first name. He did it to everybody. All the students called the teachers by their first name outside of class, but to their face, they were always 'Mr. Sannin' or 'Mr. Umino' or 'Mr. Hatake.'
"How many times have I told you, brat?" Jiraya asked angrily. "You can't call me 'Jiraya' in class!"
"Fine, Ero-sensei," Naruto said with a grin. Jiraya was going to make an angry comment about the nickname, but Naruto continued. "When are you going to actually teach us something? We've been 'studying female anatomy' for five weeks now."
"Would you rather look at male anatomy?" Jiraya-sensei asked with a wriggle of his eyebrows, causing Naruto to hilariously blush for a moment.
"N-No!" Naruto sputtered. "But it's awkward for us to sit here while you just look at porn on the projector. I mean, jeez, you're almost as bad as Ebisu."
"Mr. Ebisu," Jiraya corrected. The two continued arguing but Sasuke tuned them out. Eventually, Jiraya got the idiot to shut up, though. The rest of the class was the boring fashion he'd always taught, putting up pictures (not diagrams, pictures) of the different sexual areas of a girl's body on the board. No new information to learn, of course, but he did it all anyway. In a way, Naruto had a point. It wasn't that Sasuke wanted to look at pictures of guys in the middle of a classroom, but constantly seeing the same pictures day after day was getting pretty fucking old.
At the sound of the final bell, Jiraya gave them his usual salute as the students exited. "Have a nice day, class. And remember – don't be silly, wrap your willy."
After school, Naruto followed Sasuke to his car, which happened to be parked near Naruto's own car. They both got in their respective cars and drove towards Sasuke's house, the raven leading the way. There was little traffic, and in less than a half hour, the two arrived at Sasuke's house. They got out of their respective cars and Sasuke made a sweeping motion with his hands.
"Welcome to the Uchiha Mansion," he said in a bored tone, deciding to show that moron how excited he was to breathe the same air as him. Sasuke's main mission as he entered the mansion was to avoid his brother Itachi, but it seemed fate had a better idea, as Itachi was coming down the stairs as he opened the door.
"Hello Sasuke," Itachi said, sounding carefree, as he climbed down the steps. "Who's your friend?" He looked Naruto up and down, as if he was appraising an art piece.
Before Naruto could answer, Sasuke spoke up. "His name's Naruto. He's going to be working with me on a project. And he's not a friend."
"I'm right here," Naruto muttered as Sasuke glared at his brother. Itachi just gave his brother an evil smirk, and Sasuke knew right then that his brother would try to embarrass him. Itachi had this habit whenever Sasuke brought someone over to say or do something outrageously humiliating, and it usually worked.
Sasuke grabbed Naruto's wrist and pulled him quickly. He dragged Naruto up the stairs, past Itachi, hoping to get away before Itachi said something horrifically embarrassing. It didn't work.
"I know you're in a rush to get your boyfriend all to yourself," Itachi mused as Sasuke pushed past him, "but there's no reason to be so rude."
"B-Boyfriend?" Naruto asked, sounding as if he had just gotten the wind knocked out of him. And there it was. In his effort to avoid getting embarrassed by Itachi, Sasuke managed to give Itachi some material to use. As soon as the word 'boyfriend' left Itachi's lips, he let go of Naruto and turned back around to glare at his brother.
"Itachi," Sasuke growled warningly. "If you don't stop, I might just have to send those pictures of you at Sasori's Halloween party to the press." Itachi noticeably paled, and Sasuke wasted no time in dragging the blond up to his room and away from his brother. Sasuke knew that threat would quiet him for now, but he was likely to do something else later on.
You might be wondering what those pictures Sasuke threatened to release were of. Well, you see, most people dress up for Halloween. But after a few drinks, Itachi decided to dress down…a lot. And then, he somehow managed to sneak into a zoo in his nude and drunken state with his friends. That would be a bad enough combination normally, and it didn't help matters that they had an electric razor. When Sasuke had to come pick them up, he'd never seen a more confused monkey. Of course, he had to take many pictures to use for blackmail. It came in handy sometimes, like that very moment.
After the door to Sasuke's bedroom closed, Sasuke threw his bag on the ground and pulled out his textbook, hoping to get a head start on the project. But first thing's first – they had to decide upon a topic for their report.
"Alright, first we have to find a figure in American history that was extremely significant," Sasuke said, already having one particular person in mind.
"How about Abraham Lincoln?" Naruto suggested, choosing to flop himself down on Sasuke's bed as the latter rolled his eyes. That was exactly what he'd expect such an idiot to say. Isn't that so cliché, choosing Abe Lincoln as a significant figure in American history?
"I was thinking more like Alexander Hamilton," Sasuke said, sending Naruto a pointed glare as he kicked his shoes off and yawned. The shoes fell off the bed and thudded on Sasuke's floor.
"Never heard of him," Naruto said after the yawn as he closed his eyes. Why didn't it surprise Sasuke that Naruto never heard of Alexander Hamilton?
"Do you ever pay attention in class?" Sasuke asked, getting annoyed at how lazy and rude Naruto was being. They'd only been in the house, like, two minutes, and he was already one of the worst guests Sasuke had ever had.
"Not often," Naruto admitted. Again, this didn't come as much of a shock to Sasuke.
"You're such a moron," the Uchiha muttered, not understanding how Naruto didn't remember Alexander Hamilton. Iruka had spent days talking about Hamilton and the federalists and the First National Bank. How could he not remember that?
"Don't call me a moron," Naruto scowled, his eyes still closed. "You're just a stuck up bastard who thinks he's hot shit because he has a fan club, when in reality he's just a big nerd."
"I'm not a nerd just because you're an idiot," Sasuke argued. "Maybe if you had even one functional brain cell, I wouldn't seem like so much smarter than you."
"You practically force me to come over to your house just to be an asshole to me?" Naruto asked. "Clearly your parents never taught you manners."
Sasuke froze up at this. Sure, Naruto probably didn't know about it, but that didn't really matter much. He didn't need another reminder that his parents died. If he paid attention to the news as much as he paid attention to class, he wouldn't have heard about the famous Uchiha car bombing, but Naruto was probably the one person in this whole city who didn't know about it.
"Where are your parents anyway?" Naruto asked, stretching and making himself comfortable on Sasuke's bed. After a couple seconds of silence, he opened his left eye and looked at the Uchiha, expecting an answer.
"They're dead," Sasuke said, his voice void of emotion. He didn't even know why he told him. It's not like Naruto knew him or vise versa. It was none of his business. But upon hearing Sasuke's words, his eyes popped open and he sat up, his feet hanging over the side of the bed.
"I-I'm sorry," Naruto said, looking down. "I shouldn't have said anything."
"No, you shouldn't have," Sasuke agreed, his mind drifting far from the assignment until he heard his bedroom door get flung open. He turned with his glare in place, ready to yell at Itachi for his intrusion, when he saw something that made him scowl. "Korin?" he asked, recognizing the girl who always stalked me.
"It's Karin," she reminded her obsession. "But you're getting closer. Last time, you called me Koko." She ran over and gave Sasuke a hug, leaving Naruto speechless as to what was going on.
"She's your girlfriend?" Naruto asked Sasuke in surprise, making him grimace and Karin hold tighter.
"Yes," she said at the exact time Sasuke yelled "No!"
"How the hell did you get in my house?" he asked, trying to free himself from her grip.
"I rang your doorbell and your brother let me in," she said simply with a shrug. "I guess your brother approves of our undying love, Sasuke-kun. We can finally be together." She pulled herself away and sat down on Sasuke's bed next to the blond idiot.
"What the hell would give you the idea that I'd want to be with you?" Sasuke yelled, completely forgetting about the fact that Naruto was there. When the fangirls begin invading your house, it's time to start prioritizing. "I've done nothing short of calling you a fat, ugly bitch, and you still constantly stalk me like a fucking psychopath! Get the hell out of here!"
"B-But Sasuke-kun," she said, her lower lip trembling. Oh no, not the pouting again. "I can't leave, because if I do, Sasame and Tsure said that they'll take their chance to have you, and we both know you love me, not them."
"Is she for real?" Naruto asked, but Karin and Sasuke both ignored him.
"I don't love any of you!" Sasuke exclaimed. "How delusional are you?"
"Don't say that, Sasuke-kun," she said. "You know I love you." She stood up to caress the Uchiha's cheek, but was interrupted by loud pitched squealing. Well, that's just great. In the last minute Sasuke has been graced with his two all time favorite things: high pitched squeals and pouting faces. Oh joy.
"Is that Sasuke-kun?" a girl with orange hair asked. Damn, that was that Sasame girl. And right behind her was…you guessed it…Tsure.
"Of course it is," Tsure said. "I told you I could find out his address." The two started running towards Sasuke, practically jumping on top of him. He couldn't tell whether they were trying to hug him or crush him, and he wasn't sure which would be worse. Naruto continued to look on with a mixture of confusion and sick fascination evident on his face.
"Get the hell out of my house – all of you. Before I call the police!" Tsure got off him immediately at the all too usual threat, but Sasame decided to give Sasuke a kiss on the cheek before retreating from me.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Sasuke-kun," she said with a wink before leaving. The other two girls followed, ready to beat her for kissing 'their' Sasuke. Naruto then stood up from the bed and shrugged his backpack on his shoulder before walking out the bedroom door, whistling.
"Not you," he clarified, his teeth clenched. "We still have work to do."
"Why don't you just do some research on this Hamlet Alexanderson guy, and send it to me?" Naruto suggested. "I should get going anyway."
"Why don't you just sit your ass down and actually pull your own weight?" Sasuke asked, anger evident in his tone of voice. Grumbling, Naruto placed his backpack on the ground and returned to his position on Sasuke's bed.
"So what was with all those girls?" Naruto asked. Sasuke sighed. Yeah, he figured Naruto would have a few questions. Damn Itachi, letting fangirls in. You'd think he'd have learned his lesson a while ago.
"It's become too common an occurrence," Sasuke muttered, his mind going back to the thoughts he had earlier of getting someone to pretend to be his boyfriend. Somehow, Itachi's words from earlier came back to him. I know you're in a rush to get your boyfriend all to yourself. He actually insinuated that Sasuke would have the lack of taste to date Naruto. He looked at the blond on his bed, and he immediately thought of what would happen if he had Naruto pretend to be his boyfriend. He caught himself staring and immediately tried to wipe his mind clear of all disturbing thoughts. "Anyway, we'd better get back to work."
"You do that," Naruto said, yawning. 'Oh god, I might just kill him,' Sasuke thought. 'Calm down, Sasuke. If he dies, you'll probably get a bad grade on the project. Plus, I'd hate to go to prison. I'd look awful in those orange jumpsuits.' He studied Naruto's attire for a second and realized how ironic that would be before he sat back down at the chair at his desk.
Besides, trying to find a place to bury the body would be too bothersome.
They sat doing research on Alexander Hamilton for what seemed like an excruciating amount of time. At first, 'research' involved Sasuke looking things up on his computer while Naruto 'rested his eyes.' Sasuke then tossed his textbook at Naruto's napping form and ordered him to find some information and cite it. Even though he was pulling his weight by the end of the evening, he still had to ask the definition of any word with more than five syllables. Sometimes his stupidity amazed Sasuke.
"Sasuke, what does fun-da-men-ta-li-sm mean?" he asked, sounding out the word like a fourth grader.
"Just shut up and used context clues, you moron," he told him.
"Who are you calling moron, you asshole?" he yelled back.
"Shut up," Sasuke said, rubbing his temples for what seemed like the hundredth time that day. "Why do you always feel the need to be so fucking loud?"
"Why do you always feel the need to be so quiet?" Naruto challenged.
"Because no one's ever bothered by someone who's too quiet," Sasuke explained, a triumphant smirk appearing after realizing that the blond had no comeback. Suddenly, Sasuke was broken from his thoughts when Itachi opened the door to his room.
"It's time for dinner," his brother said. "Naruto should stay here. There's a pretty bad storm going on." Sasuke hadn't noticed, but all he had to do was look out the window to see a torrential downpour. As if solidifying the upcoming decision, a loud clap of thunder rang out in the heavens. "I already told the cook to prepare a third dinner." He turned to Naruto. "Do you need to call your parents?"
"No," Naruto said quickly. "They won't mind."
They all walked down to the dining room and sat at the large table. It was definitely long enough to fit about twenty people with one seat at each end of the table. Usually, Sasuke sat on one and Itachi at the other, keeping much distance between them. But when they had someone else over, they would all sit close to each other like civilized people.
The cook came out with a large tray, three metallic trays on it. He placed one in front of each person at the table and removed the lids, revealing chicken parmesan. The three of them began to eat in silence until Itachi decided to open his mouth and become the asshole he was earlier.
"So, I noticed your bedroom was closed earlier, Sasuke," Itachi commented, pausing to take a sip of his water. "Were you and your boyfr…erm…I'm sorry, Naruto…at least using protection?" As soon as the words left his mouth, Naruto spit out the drink of water he'd just taken, and it ended up all over Itachi. Sasuke didn't feel bad for him – that's what you get for being a smug asshole. It served him right!
"Halloween," Sasuke reminded his brother, and from that moment on, the meal was conducted in complete silence. After about ten minutes, Itachi finished his food and excused himself from the table, leaving Sasuke and Naruto alone. Naruto, who seemed to have been thinking about it more, finally spoke up.
"So you really don't like all this attention," he said, almost as if he didn't believe it. "You have hundreds of girls lined up willing to fuck you whenever. And you don't take advantage of it or anything. You're such a prude."
"I'm not a prude," Sasuke said with a scoff. "I'm just not interested in such shallow, fanatical demons. I know it might seem like heaven to someone who could never get a girl, but for someone who can have anyone he wants, it's pretty annoying."
"You're a real asshole, you know," Naruto told Sasuke. "You're just a big, egotistical jerk! If they were as annoying as you think they are, you'd do something about it."
"Believe me, I've tried," Sasuke said, not particularly wanting to continue this conversation.
Suddenly, the thoughts from earlier came back. The solution to all this fangirl nonsense was to simply get a boyfriend and come out. Of course, since he wasn't interested in anyone, he would just have to pretend to date someone.
"Of course you can get him to do work," Neji's words from earlier came back to him. "Just promise him that you'll put in a good word with Sakura if he does his assignment and he'll do it. You can have him wrapped around your finger and make him do anything. He'd probably do the entire assignment himself."
"Were you and your boyfr…erm…I'm sorry, Naruto…at least using protection?" Itachi's voice joined Neji's.
"He is pretty hot, I guess," Sakura's voice joined the others. "There's no doubt about that, right, Sasuke?"
No, this was ridiculous. Even if Naruto would agree to this, why would Sasuke want to be associated with someone so annoying? He looked over at Naruto, who was currently wiping sauce off his mouth with his sleeve. As if being annoying wasn't bad enough, Naruto was just simply gross.
Although, that could be a good thing, right? Naruto was such the opposite from what Sasuke would look for in a potential boyfriend that any sort of arrangement would be purely business, with no feelings involved. All he'd have to do is offer a date or two with Sakura, offer to complete the project on his own, maybe offer to help Naruto with his homework or something, and Naruto couldn't not accept, right? Why was he even thinking about this?
Sasuke looked out the window and noticed that the rain had cleared up since they started the meal. It wasn't ideal weather, but Naruto could drive home safely now.
"Really?" Naruto asked, a large dose of doubt evident in his voice. Sasuke forgot what Naruto was even talking about? "What brilliant plan did the Uchiha protégé come up with?" Oh right, the fangirls.
"Well, the biggest obstacle is that they lack any sort of intelligence," Sasuke said, wondering how to approach this whole idea. Any straight guy would immediately balk at this, and of all the things Naruto was, gay was definitely not one of them. "I'm sure you can relate to that." Naruto glared at the Uchiha, but he shrugged it off. It wasn't like he could actually intimidate him with that.
"The feasible idea would be to find someone to pretend to date me," Sasuke continued, deciding to tell the whole idea and tell it true. After all, Naruto would be more likely to accept if he knew that Sasuke didn't want this, he was just forced into it. "Of course, there are a few problems with that. There are very few girls who don't piss me off, and any sort of arrangement would involve daily threats from my legions of fan girls. The only real solution to that would be if I found someone who would intimidate the fan girls into leaving them alone." Sasuke refused to add a gender-specific pronoun, and hoped that Naruto wouldn't pick up on that.
"So…" Naruto said, urging Sasuke to continue.
"So," continued Sasuke, taking a deep breath, "there are very few ways to find someone who would intimidate the fan girls. The only thing that I could possibly think of was to try and find a guy to pretend to date me." He made sure to make the idea of following through with this plan sound abhorrent. If there was one thing Sasuke was good at, it was manipulation.
"Why would you want to date a guy?" Naruto asked, his face scrunching up in disgust before widening his eyes. "Uh…you know, not like there's a problem with that. You know…Born This Way, gay pride and all that. You know, if you're into that stuff that's fine too, I guess." He began rubbing the back of his neck nervously as he tried to take back his words.
"I didn't say I was gay," Sasuke pointed out, not wanting to scare Naruto off from this plan. Wait a second…why would that matter? Even if Naruto refused to do this, there were tons of guys out there who would do this. Oh well, in for a dime, in for a dollar. "But I have no interest in people at all – male or female. If I had to choose one to spend time with for appearances, I'd prefer a guy who I could relate to rather than a girl who would let it all go to their head."
"I guess that's true," Naruto said awkwardly, glancing at the door ever-so-slightly. He probably just said that to humor me. Sasuke could still see he was trying to wrap his mind about why a presumably straight guy would want to pretend to date a guy. "Well, if we're done here, I'm gonna go," Naruto said, standing up with his plate to bring it to the kitchen. He began walking there, and Sasuke stood up.
"Wait," he ordered.
"What?" Naruto asked in an impatient tone of voice. Sasuke clenched his fist, not believing what he was about to do.
"I need to put my plan into motion immediately," he confessed. "These fangirls are really becoming too much."
"What plan?" Naruto asked. "Finding some poor, stupid sap to pretend to be your boyfriend? 'Cause that sounds like an awful plan."
"What would you say if I told you I could get you a date with Sakura?" Sasuke asked, ignoring his statement. His eyes widened before narrowing in suspicion. Suddenly, they widened again, realization dawning upon his features.
"Oh no," Naruto said, shaking his head. "I know where you're going with this, and I'm going to tell you right now that there's no way I will sacrifice my reputation and my dignity for a date with anyone." Sasuke clenched his fists. Damn, he was sure that would work.
"What if I did the rest of this assignment for you?" Sasuke asked, which seemed to shock Naruto too. "We both know you need a good grade on this, and I can guarantee you an A. All you have to do is pretend to date me in school – no kissing, no touching, just putting on a good show. And in the end, you'll get a great grade on the project and a date with Sakura."
Naruto narrowed his eyes once more in suspicion before he seemed to think about Sasuke's offer. The raven could tell that even that great deal he laid out for the blond wasn't sealing the deal easily, and Sasuke couldn't blame him. Nevertheless, he needed a fake boyfriend now, or he might as well invite his fan club to live in his house. He shuddered at the thought.
"Two dates with Sakura," Sasuke said, hoping the added bonus of a second date with her would seal the deal. This time, he definitely seemed more inclined to accept, but there was a lot of hesitation still. Sasuke couldn't really do anything else. He could always offer a third date, but he was pretty sure Sakura wouldn't go on three…she'd end up killing him for even offering. Finally, Naruto sighed.
"Look, I know you're a little upset about all these fangirls," he conceded, "but there is no way in hell that I'm gonna do this."
"Why don't you think about it when you're home?" Sasuke asked, hoping that some thought would lead him to the proper conclusion. "You can answer me tonight over AIM. Just think it over, alright?"
"This is so fucked up," Naruto exclaimed before composing himself slightly. "Fine, I'll go home and think about it, but if I say no, you have to promise to accept my decision."
"Why wouldn't I?" Sasuke asked with a sickeningly sweet smile. Since he didn't explicitly say 'yes', he wouldn't be bound to anything. Because let's face it: this was the closest hope he had at this plan going through. He couldn't just let it slip through his fingers so easily.
He would do anything to get rid of these annoying girls, and if that included pretending to date that idiot, then he'd do it.
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