|Silly Short Bits
Author: willwrite4fics PM
Just a bunch of scenes that kept begging to be written.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 10,198 - Reviews: 50 - Favs: 19 - Follows: 6 - Updated: 11-20-11 - Published: 11-14-10 - id: 6477490
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
This is yet another silly bit of a story where unfortunate things happen. With all the misfortune Beachhead suffers when greenshirts are around, you'd think he'd hate the whole batch of them.
Thanks to TinySprite for beta-reading it.
Flint's interest was caught by another greenshirt hurrying towards the lifts. He tipped his head and looked around the corner as two more scurried by. They didn't seem to be trying to hide so he supposed they weren't actually up to any prohibited pranks, but when greenshirts got lively, it usually meant something was up.
"Hey Duke..." Flint turned. The two team leaders were going over intelligence reports trying to make some sense of Cobra's latest interest in electronic fruit sugar testing devices. "Any idea what the greenshirts are supposed to be doing this afternoon?"
Duke barely glanced up. "Yeah, taser training demo." He flipped over a set of papers. "Whyyyy did Destro buy four thousand pastry bags? That's got to be some sort of mix-up. No one needs four thousand pastry bags."
Flint watched another greenshirt rush by along with Ace. "Cake stores would." He blinked. "What kind of taser demo? And who is running it if we're both down here?"
Leaning his chin on one hand, Duke waved a hand around. "Destro doesn't run a cake store, don't be ridiculous. I think Cobra orders weird stuff just to make me crazy."
"Maybe. So who's running the demo?" Flint tried again to distract Duke. "I mean, we're both down here in the offices, soooo..."
"Hmm?" Finally taking notice of Flint's concern, Duke frowned. "Oh... Law and Beachhead are supervising and such. I'm sure they've got it under control. Law has to certify anyone who will be carrying the new tasers."
Flint nodded, losing interest. "Ahh, yes. So a boring demo about how to use a taser."
Sighing at another report, Duke grumbled under his breath. "Well that and they'll each get shot with it." He growled softly. "Six tons of clothes pins? Now I know they're just fucking with me." He looked up at Flint. "What? I know I know, they have to be feeding us misinformation... who would need that many clothes pins?"
Flint shut his mouth. "Wait, go back... shoot them with a taser?"
Duke nodded. "Sure. If you're going to use one, standard training is to get shot to experience it yourself, and of course, Law will be supervising them in using it. Sort of a two birds – one stone thing for us. They get to shoot each other with..." He suddenly frowned. "With a military grade taser... maybe we should be up there."
Flint hummed softly. "Law is a perfectly competent MP and can keep everything under control. He's one of the only Joes that all of us pretty much pay attention to." He paused. "Mainly because Order will bite you in the ass if you diss his master... but hey..."
"Beach is gonna get shot by a taser."
"We should definitely go supervise. Right now."
"Yes. Yes we should." Duke hurried out, followed quickly by Flint. "Hold that lift!"
Law kept a somber mien about him despite the madhouse atmosphere with several greenshirts and a handful of Joes milling about. "All right.. settle down." The group was gathered up on a neat section of grass outside.
Mouth raised his hand up, fairly bouncing with excitement. "Law... do we get to shoot each other now?" Most of the faces were as eager as his.
Law sighed. "After I give you instructions, yes, each of you will get to shoot one of the others in order to... to... QUIET DOWN!" His bellow wasn't quite as intimidating as Beachhead's, but it settled the greenshirts. "If you don't listen up, there won't be ANY shooting of ANYone. Got it? Geez, what a load of mokes."
The crowd quieted quickly. Williams spoke up in the quiet. "Isn't it dangerous to be shooting each other with a taser? I mean, it's like.. a million volts of electricity."
Watching the other greenshirts glare at Williams, Law forestalled a mob scene by reassuring the greenshirt. "No, it's not a million volts. It's only fifty thousand volts but it's the amps that can hurt you, and that's really small, only about 3 milliamps. So see? Very safe. I've been shot myself and it's painful but I survived." He watched Williams nod hesitantly. "Okay, so we'll draw lots for who shoots who, no picking."
Mouth's hand shot up again. "Law? Who gets to shoot Sergeant major?" He caught the glare being leveled at him from the Ranger and modified his query. "I... I mean, who has to shoot Sergeant major?" The glare didn't lessen at all and Mouth edged slightly sideways behind Teryris. She jabbed him with an elbow. "What?"
Law glanced over at Beach who gave a slight lift of his shoulders, allowing the MP to run the class as he saw fit. "Beach's name goes into the draw, just like everyone else." There was a pleased murmur at that. Law stepped back a little to speak quietly to Beachhead. "You sure you don't want me to just shoot you myself?"
Beach shrugged. "I don't guess it matters much. Ain't the first time I got hit by a taser. Things hurt but it ain't gonna kill me." He turned a jaded eye on the MP. "You'll just make certain whoever hits me don't shoot me in the damned face. I'll be pissed if I get shot in the face, understand?"
Law carefully didn't smile. "No, of course I wouldn't let that happen."
Beach grunted. "Good. Cause... "
"I won't let them shoot you in the face. Okay?" Law's annoyance finally showed slightly and Order's ears perked up slightly.
Beach looked down at the attentive shepherd. "Long as that's clear."
"Well, it's clear. If you want to sit out, you can do that. Then you won't be carrying a nice new shiny taser." Law eyed the two new arrivals. "Hasn't Duke already been through taser training?"
Beach twisted to look and then shrugged. "Yeah. I checked. Duke's cleared." He suddenly looked hopeful. "Flint ain't. We gonna get to shoot Flint?"
Flint and Duke had drawn close enough for the warrant officer to overhear. Flint made a face as he answered for himself. "No, no one is going to get to shoot Flint. Flint will do without a taser for now."
Duke smirked. "Are you sure? I mean, our intrepid drill instructor would possibly be willing to help you out on that whole 'getting shot with a taser' thing." He watched Beachhead grin under the mask. "Might have to ask him real nice to get him to agree to do that..."
Flint held up a hand. "No thanks. If I let Beach shoot me, he'd wire the thing up to a truck battery."
Law cleared his throat. "Well, if we're settled that Flint isn't joining in on the demo..." Flint shook his head firmly. "... then we need to get started." He took the bin of names from Private Williams. "First up is Miller and he's going to be shot by..." The MP read the slip he pulled. "Corporal Jackson." He motioned the two greenshirts to step up.
Miller moved up nervously while Jackson looked rather eager. After some instruction, Jackson took the taser with a grin. Law motioned two of the beefier greenshirts to step up. "Take Miller's arms so you can lay him down gently when he gets shot. No need to be letting guys knock their heads into the grass. He'll go stiff, you lay him down and when he relaxes, it's all over. No big deal." He slipped on nitrile gloves and caught Miller's nervous gaze. "You agree to allow yourself to be shot with a taser in training?"
Miller gulped but nodded. "Yes MP Law. I'm ready." He visibly braced himself.
Law sighed. "Put your arms to the side, don't want the barbs embedding in your arm. That'd hurt." He nodded at Jackson. "Fire at center of mass, upper torso should be your target, just like we discussed."
Jackson aimed carefully. "Taser! Taser!" then fired. The little pop and buzz noise made everyone wince slightly, no matter how much they tried to hide it. Miller gave a strangled yelp and stiffened up onto his toes, grimacing in pain. There was general laughter at his pained expression then he was lowered down. "Is he okay?"
Law nodded, stepping over to give the corporal a pat to his chest as he finally relaxed. "Stay down." He tugged the tiny barbs out of his pectoral muscle and held them up. "See? Nothing to it. You okay?"
Miller nodded shakily. He sat up and blinked. "Ow. That really hurts." He rubbed the spot on his chest and looked down. "There's barely holes in my teeshirt."
Law smiled, watching the quick recovery. "Nope, the barbs aren't spears. There might be a tiny spot of blood where I took them out." He rolled the wires up carefully. "Remember the barbs could be a biohazard, so dispose of them properly if possible. And everyone look at Miller." Everyone obediently watched Miller getting to his feet. "He's nearly fully recovered, so remember that a taser is not going to incapacitate a enemy for long. If the barbs are still embedded, you can give more shocks, but they will recover, so take advantage of the time they are down quickly."
Miller gave a slight cough. "I might feel able to do whatever, but I don't think I'd want to risk another shot of that thing. Whew... it hurts!"
"Of course it hurts." Law pulled another slip out of the box. "It wouldn't be effective if it tickled, now would it." He read the name and quickly hid a smile. "Well, for those awaiting it, the time is now. Sergeant major, you're up." Beach's face twisted slightly. "Let's see who the shooter will be." His hand dipped back in. "Corporal Daniels. You're it."
The soft-spoke greenshirt managed to look eager and nervous as he came forward to accept his taser. "Thank you." He eyed the burly Ranger who glared at him. "Is it okay? I mean, I don't want to get into trouble for doing a training exercise..."
Beach snorted and unzipped his tactical vest. "Yes, it's fine. It's training, you do what Law tells you and don't..." He pointed suddenly. "Don't dare shoot me in the danged face. You do that, I will break both yer legs."
Flint laughed slightly. "Beach, that's hardly fair. He's supposed to shoot you."
Beach glowered at the other man. "He ain't supposed to shoot no one in the face. I'm just sayin'... don't do it." He tossed the heavy protective vest to Williams then flexed his arms back. His spine cracked and he shrugged twice. "Alright then, shoot me with a danged taser."
Flint nudged Duke with an elbow. "Ten bucks says he takes a poke at Daniels when he gets up."
Duke frowned slightly. "Beach is more professional than that. Unless of course, Daniels shoots him in the face. No bet."
Daniels spoke up. "I don't want to shoot him in the face!" He turned to look at Law. "What if it shoots high? I don't want to even accidentally shoot him in the face! I like my legs!"
Law groaned slightly. "It won't shoot high, it rarely ever will shoot high. The barbs are dragging wires, so they usually drop slightly low, like I explained in training."
Flint smiled. "But there could be that teeeeeny chance that it shoots high, right Law? I mean, even a one-in-a-million chance is still a chance, right?"
Duke nodded. "Even super rare, still possible. Beach wouldn't break his legs if it's truly an accident."
"Well, maybe not..." Flint looked thoughtful. "But what if it's not really an accident? What if he did it on purpose and then just said it was an accident?"
Law cleared his throat. "If the peanut gallery is done with the commentary?" Both men looked abashed. "Good then. Sergeant major, you agree to allow yourself to be shot with a taser in training?"
"Yeah yeah.." Beach moved his arms to the side and the entire crowd leaned forward slightly in anticipation. They might respect him but the opportunity to watch him accept a painful shock was too much for any greenshirt to pass up. The mood might have been called 'gleeful' if a certain Ranger hadn't been within hearing. "Shoot me... don't aim high though."
Daniels' voice was slightly shaky as he aimed. "Taser! Taser!"
Just as he squeezed the shot off, he closed his eyes and Law opened his mouth to shout. The muzzle of the taser dipped slightly.
There was the pop! of the taser firing, the expected sizzle of electric discharge. The high pitched scream was entirely unanticipated however. Even Flint stepped back slightly as Beach fell back, stiff and arching in obvious pain. The two attendants managed to catch him and ease him to the ground despite the shock of his outcry.
Flint and Duke both looked at Daniels who had opened his eyes and was staring in horror. "I didn't aim for his face! I didn't aim for his face! I didn't! He can't break my legs!"
Law rushed forward. "Beach, you all right?"
The Ranger's arched back suddenly relaxed. "FUUUCK YOU!" Beachhead rolled slightly to his side, curling up and howling again in pain. "YOU SHOT ME IN THE GAWD DAMN NUTS!" There was another howl of pain and every male in the group cringed in unison. "Ah will MURDER you, you fucking pogue! Someone drag him over where Ah can reach him!"
Flint stepped slightly aside as Daniels burst into a flat run, racing away as fast as possible. "Oh... geez... even I wouldn't want that to happen... even to Beach. Well... maybe..."
Duke had turned a delicate shade of green. "How bad is it?" Despite his reluctance to approach, he decided if Law was right there, he couldn't very well chicken out himself. He leaned over the writhing form. "Beach, be still... it's not like he hit anything...uhh.."
Law glanced up at him. "Oh yeah. He did. Square on. Someone call Lifeline, I don't think I should... uhh.. remove anything..."
"Fuckin' pogue!" Beach cursed a moment. "Sonnabitch... he shot me in the damn nuts... someone kill that motherfucker! Ah ain't kiddin', someone is gonna die.. and get that thing outa me!"
Law held up a hand. "We can't. It's barbed, you really don't want me to just... umm... you know, yank it out.." There was a snicker from somewhere in the crowd but no one owned up to it as Law glared around. "Anyone who thinks it's funny can be next." Everyone sombered. "I thought so. Did anyone listen to me and call for a medic?"
"Yep, he's trotting up now." Flint crossed his arms as their resident pacifist approached. "You have an irate patient who just screamed like a little girl."
"Fuuuuck you!" There was another groan of pain.
Lifeline looked remarkably unconcerned. "Taser training. Happens every time. Those barbs look dangerous but honestly guys, you just need to pluck them out." He gave a condescending smile. "People are just squeamish about removing the things."
Duke suppressed the grin that threatened to break out as he spoke to Lifeline. "Beachhead got shot in his junk. Pretty sure you're the one for this job."
"He got shot in his what?" Lifeline's eyebrows disappeared under the edge of his hair. "Beach, what the heck? You got shot where?"
Beach hissed through clenched teeth. "In my junk. You know, in my nutsack, you useless pogue! My gawd damned testicle! My BALLS! You understand where now?"
Law shrugged helplessly. "Well, at least you didn't get shot in the face." Beach reached upwards towards him but couldn't quite get his fingers on the MP. "Don't be moving around, wouldn't want it to hurt more."
Lifeline was already examining his patient. "Stop moving. Let me see, it can't be actually embedded... oh." He frowned. "Well. How about that. I've never actually seen this happen before with a taser." Sighing heavily, he looked at Beach. "Gonna take you downstairs to fix you."
"Fix me? Use a different term, okay? I ain't a stray spaniel to be 'fixed'." Despite the evident pain, Beach insisted on getting to his feet. "Sonnabitch..." He hobbled a couple steps, hissing in pain. "Yeah... this sucks... let's go..." With Lifeline protesting that he should wait for a stretcher, the Ranger limped slowly towards the Pitt entrance. "Ain't no reason to wait... oooooooo... fuckin' bastard..." Beach twisted enough to point at the group. "You guys go find Daniels and bring him to me so I can wring his fool neck!"
Duke watched him leaving. "Ahh, yes. Everyone can disregard that order, thanks. Daniels might be requesting to be reassigned, but Beach won't get to kill him, regardless." He gave a slight wave. "Law, carry on. Maybe a quick word about 'aiming' before the next demo?"
The MP rolled his eyes. "Yes, Top. We'll discuss the importance of aiming with both eyes open before we do any more demos."
Doc stared. "He got shot with what, in his where?"
Beach groaned as he eased himself up onto a table. "Shut up. Seriously Doc. Ain't like I'm proud of this but damn... just take it out." He whined softly as he lay back. "Oh jeeeeeebus I'm gonna be sick."
Lifeline paused in gathering up some items. "Sick? If you mean that, I'll get you a bucket, don't puke on me again."
"I'll warn you..." A deep breath in, then Beach let it out as a groan. "It hurts a lot."
Doc began pulling cloth aside. "Well, I'm certain it's very painful. I'm rather surprised it managed to embed itself.. oh well, it has gotten a good bite in there, hasn't it?"
Lifeline looked again. "It really did. I don't think it's serious, just skin involvement?"
"Ah hate you both." Beach gripped the bed railing tightly. "OW! Sonnabitch, Doc that HURTS!"
"Well, it is a barbed spike stuck in your left testicle. It's only natural that it hurts." Doc gave a reassuring smile. "Lifeline, get two cc's of local anesthetic to inject. This won't be too hard... I mean difficult to extract."
Beach lifted his face. "Wait, inject? Into my... you know..."
"Your left testicle, yes." Doc gave him a look. "Would you prefer me to extract it without pain relief?"
"I hate you." Beach lay his head back. "Ain't no way this could possibly get more embarrassin' than this."
Lifeline glanced at him before wielding the syringe of numbing solution. "Well, I'm certain that if CoverGirl were to come check to see how you were hurt right now, that would be more embarrassing."
Scowling, Beach snarled. "Thank you. OW! Yes. That would be the most embarrassin' erk, thing to add to this situation. Thank you fer pointin' that out.. OW!"
"Sorry, I know it stings, I'm trying to be gentle here." Lifeline and Doc both looked up as someone entered the treatment area.
"What's going on here? I was assured the taser training would go without any incidents and then I hear that one of my instructors gets injured? This is unacceptable..." General Hawk stopped as he blinked at the sight of his Sergeant major laid out on a treatment gurney. Or more accurately, at the sight of certain parts of his Sergeant major. "I did not need to see this." His eye twitched and his voice sounded a bit strained. "Dare I ask why my two highest ranked medical officers have their hands on my Sergeant major's bits?"
Doc's voice remained level and calm. "He was shot in the left testicle by one of the taser barbs. Once it's extracted, he'll need rest for a day, then he'll be back... uhh... up to snuff."
Hawk's eye twitched a second time. "Very good. Carry on." He spun on one heel and disappeared at the quickest speed to remain dignified.
Beach's forlorn voice sounded in the quiet. "Great. I was wrong. THAT was the most embarrassin' thing to add to this situation."
Lifeline sighed as he bent to continue treating the Ranger. "Well, don't count it done yet, you will have a day of trying to rest with a full ice pack on your privates while the entire Pitt knows why you're doing so."
"Thank you Lifeline. I appreciate your help so very much Lifeline." Beach's hand flexed in a dangerous way. "If you weren't workin' on important parts of me right now, I'd strangle you Lifeline."
Lifeline's lips quirked up ever so slightly. "And that's why I said it now, instead of when I'm not being so imminently useful to you."
Doc chuckled. ""My medic isn't stupid." He looked over at Beach. "Now, just hold still, this will only hurt a lot..."
"I hate you."
Yes, I tortured BeachHead again. I'd apologize to all the guys who are cringing right now, but it'd be insincere. I will apologize for the mention of unmentionable bits of male anatomy. It was needed.
Beach disagrees. That's why he doesn't get a vote. Enjoy. Thank you for reading.