|The Comedy Central Roast of Inuyasha
Author: SplendentGoddess PM
Just like the title says, this is a Comedy Central styled ROAST of Inuyasha! If you want to laugh your @ off for the next three to four hours then click this link! Crack!ficRated: Fiction M - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 2 - Words: 56,973 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 29 - Follows: 5 - Published: 12-08-10 - Status: Complete - id: 6540640
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Winner! 3rd Place for Best Comedy, Feudal Association, 3rd Quarter 2010
Inuyasha is the sole property of Rumiko Takahashi, licensed in the United States under VIZ Productions. Comedy Central is owned by, and is a registered trademark of, Comedy Partners, a wholly owned division of VIACOM Inc.'s (NYSE: VIA and VIA.B) MTV Networks. We are not affiliated in any way, shape or form with either Takahashi and the Yomiuri Telecasting Corp., VIZ Productions or VIACOM Inc, and we stand to gain no form of compensation for this independent project, protected under the Fair Use doctrine for parody arts. In addition, there is reference held within to several musical releases, all of which are the sole property of their respective copyright holders.
Now that that's out of the way…welcome to our story! This two-shot is a joyous collaboration piece between myself and the fabulously hilarious author King Baka, whom I just knew I had to pull on board with me on this one if I wanted it to come out right. If you've ever seen a Comedy Central Roast, then you know what to expect. We've modeled this story after the various roasts we've seen over the years, and did not pull any punches with the content. The humor contained herein is vile, raunchy, and probably offensive. Little, if any, of the material represents our own personal views. Please think twice before reading if you think you will have a problem with it. We do not want to receive any angry reviews or emails saying you were offended!
Also, please keep in mind that this is a crack!fic. We are not trying to make it perfectly consistent in any way. In general, this story 'takes place' after the end of the manga. But especially with characters that died during the series, you will sometimes read things that seem out of place. Please try to take it in stride and not sweat the details. We certainly aren't.
Well…now that that's out of the way…on with the show!
Put yourself there.
The scene opens to a large, mahogany stage. Red is the predominant color, found in the decorative floor-to-ceiling drapery against the back wall, as curtains pulled open on either side reveal a giant flat panel screen currently showing black. The scene widens to reveal an off-white couch seating four. It is set off to the left of the stage, with a row of five black barstools placed behind it, their occupants already in position save for the fifth barstool, which is currently empty. To the right of the stage, the chair of honor, also currently empty, is simple yet elegant in modern white leather. A black microphone sits innocently upon a cherry wood podium unattended in center-stage.
The scene pans back farther.
Beyond the stage, a full audience is in attendance, the auditorium alive and bustling with chatter. Then the main lights go down, the swirl of spotlights capturing the attention of everyone in attendance, their roars of excitement barely audible over the sudden blare of music. A full orchestral fanfare pumps into the room via Dolby surround sound speakers, the 'Inuyasha Battle Theme' blasting at top volume letting everyone know the show is about to begin.
Suddenly the room is cast into darkness, save for the lighting on stage. The music comes to a climactic close with five rapid beats, and the black monitor attached to the back wall lights up to display the Comedy Central logo. The audience goes crazy, and a disembodied male voice comes over the loud speakers.
Ladies and Gentlemen…welcome to The Comedy Central Roast of Inuyasha!
Starring your Roast Master, Miroku!
Joined by Kagome, Sango, Sesshoumaru, Kouga, Kikyou, Kagura, Jakotsu and Naraku, with appearances by Shippou and Souta.
And now, please give a warm welcome to the man of honor, the one, the only, Inuyasha!
The spotlights swirl, everyone screaming excitedly. Realizing the spotlights have concentrated against the back of the room, everyone quickly turns in their seats, the large flat screen on stage providing a closer view for those sitting too far away to see clearly, as a man suddenly makes his presence known at the top of the center stairs. He's wearing loose-fitting white designer jeans with a metallic overlay that catches in the light, making them appear silver, like his shimmering, waist-length hair. A deep red long-sleeve silk shirt is worn untucked, the top two buttons undone with the collar pulled open to reveal the kotodama necklace hanging against bare skin. Perhaps the most unusual thing of all is a pair of flip-flop sandals that adorn his feet. A steady drumbeat begins reverberating through the sound system, and Inuyasha smirks, his right fang poking out as he nods to his adoring fans. Then, as he takes his first step descending the stairs, the music changes.
Who let the dogs out? Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!
Who let the dogs out? Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!
Who let the dogs out? Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!
Who let the dogs out?
With a shake to his shoulders and sway to his hips, Inuyasha dances his way down towards the stage, winking to a few overly vivacious fangirls along the way. Seemingly laid back, and in no way apprehensive regarding what is about to happen, the inu-hanyou takes his seat, giving his last step a little bounce so that he hops up onto the chair, plopping himself down on its large cushion cross-legged. Crossing his arms, his expression clearly says 'Bring it on.'
The music fades out as the disembodied voice speaks up one last time.
And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to this evening's Roast Master, Miroku!
Joyous applause thunders loudly for a moment as the theater's main spotlight shifts to focus on the back of the stage, off to the right. Suddenly the curtain swooshes with movement, and out steps the evening's Roast Master, to an introductory theme song he had personally selected — a jaunty tune sung by a flirtatious male voice.
I've got something in my front pocket, for you.
Why don't you reach out in my pocket, and see what it is?
Laughter and cheers erupt as Miroku emerges from backstage, clad in a dark suit that makes him look incredibly handsome. He waves as he makes his way to the dais.
Then grab onto it, it's just for you.
Give it a little squeeze and say, "How do you do?"
Miroku reaches the podium at center-stage, and the noise of the crowd rises noticeably in pitch as the women swoon over his heart-stopping smile.
There's something in my front pocket,
There's something in my front pocket,
There's something in my front pocket!
"For you, baby." Miroku says smoothly with a wink and a devilish smirk. Hundreds of excited feminine shrieks can be heard, and more than a few jealous male glares are sent toward the amorous monk. But the upset doesn't last; the festive and joyous atmosphere inside the theater does not allow it. Everyone, male and female alike, knows this will be a very enjoyable evening.
"Thank you, thank you…" Miroku says as the applause finally winds down. "Oh, what a wonderful crowd we have here this evening! And it is with great pleasure that I welcome all of you to the Comedy Central Roast of Inuyasha!"
It takes another moment for the audience to settle themselves, while Miroku shuffles a few papers he has sitting in front of him on the podium. Turning to glance off to his right, Miroku gives a nod to his companions on the dais. Sitting forward on the off-white couch, from left to right from the audience's perspective, are Jakotsu, Kikyou, Sango and Kagome. Behind them and slightly elevated on the black barstools are Naraku, Kagura, Sesshoumaru and Kouga, with the fifth barstool reserved for himself. Turning his gaze towards his left, to the audience's right, Miroku's eyes sparkle with merriment as they lock with Inuyasha's deceivingly acquiescent gaze. The hanyou won't be so laid back for long.
"We're all here this evening to honor this man, Inuyasha." Miroku begins, gesturing to the hanyou. "What better way to honor someone who's loud, crude, childish and obnoxious than by lowering ourselves to mimic his level of intelligence. After all, imitation is the highest form of flattery, or so they say. But what do those bastards know? Feh!" Miroku finishes mockingly, earning a round of chuckles from the audience while the man of 'honor' cracks a half-grin himself, his confident demeanor still firmly in place.
"That's right, we're all here because of you, Inuyasha, much like how the police arrive on the scene of a crime-in-progress that needs to be stopped. I have a confession to make: this isn't really a roast, it's an intervention. Please stop being such a baka; we all care about you."
As the audience laughs again, Miroku shifts his gaze to his adoring fans, as he momentarily speaks of the hanyou in the third-person as though the dog-eared individual in question were not still present, listening to his every word.
"I mean seriously, Inuyasha is such an idiot when it comes to certain things, I'm befuddled as to how he's managed to survive for as long as he has."
Turning to glance back in the hanyou's direction, Miroku seems almost apologetic as he asks, "Oh, I'm sorry, was that too big of a word for you? Let me explain; 'befuddled' means 'dumbfounded', as in, I've 'found' it 'dumb' how a man of your intelligence in certain areas can turn around and remain completely clueless in others. Yes, you're an incredible warrior; no one will dispute your strength in battle. Well, that's probably not true of this evening, but I shall not dispute your strength in battle, at any rate. Even when you go flying in half-cocked, you always somehow manage to emerge victorious.
"Now, if you could just learn to use the other half of your cock for activities more pleasurable than violence, my private time with Sango would stop having to be interrupted for she and Kagome to go have some 'girl talk' about why you haven't made a move on her yet. When I said I was befuddled as to how you've managed to survive for as long as you have, I wasn't referring to your unfortunate beginnings in life. Up until the moment Kikyou sealed you to the tree, your life is understandable. But what I find truly amazing is that you haven't yet angered Kagome to the point of 'Sitting' you into oblivion. How you've managed to stay alive after she released you from your seal is anyone's guess.
"Let's break this thing down logically, so we can establish just how much of an idiot you really are. You run off at Kikyou's beck and call, lost in the memory of what you think was true love, despite the fact that she wanted to strip you of half of yourself. FYI, Inuyasha, a woman should only want to strip a man she loves of his clothing, not his lineage.
"And since her resurrection, Kikyou has drawn a dagger on you, attempted to drag you into Hell, and played the fence with aiding Naraku. Kagome, on the other hand, immediately and without question accepted you for your hanyou status, cried on your behalf when she feared you might die, and risked her own life on several occasions to ensure your safety. In return, do you show her any hint of the same devotion you offer Kikyou? No, you call her clumsy, and ugly, and insist that the only reason you need her around is to detect the jewel shards. While it's true that you mellowed out after a time and stopped being quite so cruel to Kagome, have you shown her any genuine level of affection? For crying out loud, man, the woman is in love with you!"
Shaking his head in disappointment, Miroku looks back out to the audience and murmurs "I swear, that hanyou has his head so far up his ass he needs to use Preparation H on his acne."
The audience laughs as Miroku turns to the next page of his notes, one that will have him change his approach drastically.
"What are we going to do with you, Inuyasha?" he asks rhetorically. "You have two women in your life, and yet you're still a virgin. It would make sense if you were saving yourself for Kagome, if there was any indication that you actually planned on claiming that prize any time in the near future. But let's face it, you just don't have the balls to stick to it Kagome.
"You're probably terrified that you'd lose whatever balls you do have if you made a move, and I can't say I blame you on that one, considering the miko's unpredictable temper. But it's got to be tough to go against your very nature like that. I mean, you are a dog, after all, and dogs chase pussy, do they not? If you have been chasing it, then you're not very good at catching it. I wonder if you would even know what to do with it if you did catch it. Probably charge in half-cocked like you always do, although that wouldn't work very well in that situation. You'd want to use your whole cock, trust me, and save the 'charging' for the battlefield. This is one arena you'd want to conquer slowly and sensually.
"But while we're on the subject of charging into battle, maybe that life-endangering character flaw of yours can be excused as a family trait. After all, while I'm sure the mighty Lord Sesshoumaru would have us believe that he is above falling victim to his own fervid emotions, we have all borne witness to the extreme levels of agitation you repeatedly manage to bring out in him. You and your brother have gone tooth and nail in your battles, both figuratively and literally, more times than I can count. You're just lucky that dogfights aren't illegal in most of Japan, although you could probably even get away with it here in the States and nobody would stop you. You two are so hopeless that even PETA wouldn't bother trying to save you. They'd just shrug and say 'Eh, let 'em fight.'
"But all joking aside, you two are family, and you have no idea how lucky you are, Inuyasha, to still have family of any kind."
Addressing the audience with a look of sincerity in his eyes, Miroku continues.
"I had thought I would remain alone after my father's passing, but now I am proud to call each and every one of you the family of my heart. Yes, even you, Inuyasha. As dysfunctional as our little group may be, at least we have each other. We are quite the collection of misfits, aren't we? Rumiko did our series proud. An ill-tempered, hotheaded leader who thinks that thinking is a waste of time when there are asses in need of kicking. A time-traveling leading lady who goes through more emotions in one day than McDonald's goes through napkins. Supporting male role…? I admit it, my hands do more 'supporting' of their own than is probably healthy, a comical polar opposite to Inuyasha's stand-offish behavior. Sango? My lovely, contrasting Sango…her prowess in battle is the perfect balance to Kagome's inexperience. And that ass…" he says admiringly, trailing off as his fingers twitch. Miroku is momentarily lost in thought before he grins at the camera.
"But I digress. Of course then there's Shippou, the orphaned child, often another source of comic relief. Besides these people, we have the main evil villain, who is always so hard to kill. We end up fighting lesser bad guys but never succeed in putting a stop to the main source of destruction. A variety of different love antagonists exist for our leading characters, while the issues between Sango and myself remain solely between the two of us, offering yet even more variety and contrast. Then there's Kaede, Totosai and Myouga, the wise old voices of wisdom and knowledge, always showing up at the most opportune of moments. Of course, no storyline would be complete without an underlying concept for why the entire thing is even a story to begin with, and thus we have the Shikon no Tama, an ingenious creation if ever there was one.
"It's hard to believe that Rumiko didn't even have a finalized direction in mind when she first started our manga back in 1996, coming up with many of our new developments on the fly, but as some reasonably well-known fanfiction authors have also experienced, sometimes, great stories simply have a way of writing themselves.
"But you know, as wonderful as our story is, I always thought the series was missing something…a whore! I mean sure, Kagome wears that short skirt, and my beautiful Sango shows off every lovely curve of hers in that marvelous slayer outfit, but the series has always lacked a dirty, shameless slut. The only person who even came close was Yura of the Hair, and we had her for like what, two episodes? And I wasn't even around then! If I were, I would have tamed that sexy little minx; her new name would have been 'Yura of Miroku's Cock.'"
Out in the audience, Yura crinkles her nose in disgust. As the rest of the audience laughs, Kagome places a reassuring hand on Sango's leg. The slayer glances her way, sending her friend a reassuring smile before gazing past the miko to the man at the podium. Miroku continues.
"But while we don't have a whore, we do have a tease, which in this monk's humble opinion is a thousand times worse. Honestly, Kagome, what are you thinking, traipsing around Feudal Japan in that naughty little sailor fuku? Not that I'm complaining…and people call me a pervert. I humbly bow to whoever came up with the idea of dressing up Japanese schoolgirls in such revealing little outfits. Now, I realize you can't be held accountable for what you were wearing the first time you were dragged down the well, but after that, if you were going to keep on coming back to participate in such an important and dangerous mission, wouldn't you think a change of wardrobe might be in order? Then again, you probably can't take all of the blame yourself for that, either; your entire family has to be a little bit off, if you think about it. I mean, what kind of a mother lets her fifteen-year-old daughter go gallivanting five hundred years in the past where there are bandits and demons? And if you're going to allow your daughter to accept such a karmic destiny, then at least put her in some decent clothing, for kami's sake!"
At Miroku's words, one of the secondary spotlights pans out over the audience, settling over a surprised and offended Mrs. Higurashi. Knowing she's on camera, the elder Higurashi woman displays proper decorum by peacefully remaining seated, though anyone who knows her can tell from her expression that she's none-too-pleased. Up on the stage, Kagome's eyes widen in horror at the discovery of her mother's presence in the audience, the miko having had no idea that her mother had actually decided to accept the invitation to tonight's event.
Unfazed by the brief moment of awkward silence between mother and daughter, Miroku continues with his routine, his comments once again directed towards the future-born miko herself.
"But I must say, your clothing isn't really the issue here. Personally, I find your choice of attire rather entertaining. It's only that your personality so vastly contradicts what one would assume from such an ensemble, hence the well-deserved title of 'Tease.' You skip around in that nosebleed-inducing excuse for a kimono as if you honestly have no idea just how incredibly sexy you really are, and then when someone does compliment you, you get all embarrassed and label them a pervert. Yet you get just as upset if a certain somebody denies you're attractive, instead. Make up your mind! If Inuyasha hints that he thinks you're sexy you accuse him of being indecent, and if he denies it then you accuse him of still loving Kikyou. Do you PMS every day of the month? Your mood swings back and forth more times than a pendulum! It's always so hot and cold with you, it's no wonder Inuyasha can't get his head out of his ass. We know you're not pregnant, so you don't have that excuse.
"There are just so many mixed signals with you! If you were a traffic light, there would be an 879-car pileup right under you. You wear that skimpy skirt, you like to hold his hand, you let him carry you on his back; those are things that say to a guy, 'Hey, I like you.' But then you yell at him, slam his face into the dirt, and get all flustered when he shows the slightest bit of affection. Those are things that tell him, 'I'd rather DIE than sleep with you, mother fucker!'"
As Miroku pauses in his tirade, most of the audience is laughing, along with half of the dais, though some people are openly surprised by the monk's foul language. But hey, this is a roast, after all. When in Rome…
Over on the dais, Kagome is still hung up on the fact that her mother is in the audience, making Miroku's words ten-times more embarrassing.
"Although…" the monk continues then, "I suppose I really shouldn't be so biased, considering you are not the only lead female on the show who reacts with hostility as a means of concealing her true desires."
Glancing to where the girls are sitting over on the sofa to his right, Miroku meets Kagome's eyes for only a moment before shifting his gaze to settle on Sango's startled orbs. The slayer blushes a bit at the intensity of his stare.
Offering his love a quick wink, Miroku continues.
"That's right, Kagome's not the only one sending out the 'I'd rather die than sleep with you!' signal, though you don't have me fooled in the slightest, Sango. Haven't you ever caught on to the fact that I grope you on purpose, because I love seeing you get so flustered? Sure, you may scream 'Hentai!' and slap me, but if you think I haven't noticed how you also blush once you look away, then you're sadly mistaken."
Flushing darker at his words, Sango does her best to sink into her seat.
"There have been times when I've groped you that you've secretly smiled, relieved, happy even to know that I was still attracted to you, like that could ever come into serious question. But the fact remains, you were glad that I'd done it; you were glad to know that I wanted you, because you want me. I am a very patient man, Sango; it comes with the robes. I knew it was only a matter of time before I wore down your defenses and you agreed to be mine, and now look, the two of us are living happily in Kaede's village with our children. Is it everything you'd hoped it would be? For me, it's ten times better."
As the audience Awww's, Miroku takes a moment to adopt a more serious expression.
"And while we're on the subject of the elderly miko, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Kaede was, in fact, supposed to be here with us this evening, but earlier this afternoon we got the unfortunate news that she passed on."
As everyone in attendance stares at him in shock, Miroku smirks.
"Now, don't get me wrong. Kaede's perfectly healthy; she just passed on her invitation to come here this evening. She may only have one eye, but even she could see where a night like this was bound to lead."
As the audience laughs, Miroku takes a moment to glance back towards the dais, his eyes skimming over the couch to Kagome and Sango, before finally settling on the third female roaster, and second miko, sitting on Sango's right. Locking eyes with the undead priestess for a moment, Miroku then turns back to the audience.
"And speaking of family, if Kaede is included in my list then I suppose I should also include Kikyou as more than just Kagome's adversary. Though I'm unsure what other role she should play, since despite Kaede's grandmotherly position in the inu-tachi, she is technically Kikyou's younger sister. I suppose the 'family ghost' is as accurate a title as any. Believe it or not, I actually have a lot of respect for the Lady Kikyou, but it's really hard to defend her actions at the beginning of the series. She pretty much became a villain by challenging Kagome and becoming the main love antagonist. I think people would like Kikyou more if she were ugly. She's simply too beautiful for her own good. I mean if I was single, and she was alive, I would totally tap that."
Out in the audience, a mild debate can be heard amongst the Kikyou fans versus Kikyou-haters, though most of the warm-blooded males in attendance agree with Miroku's assessment. Over on the dais, the miko in question is doing her best to appear unaffected by the monk's words, while Sango is wearing one of her trademark secret smiles over the fact that Miroku actually threw 'if I were single' into his line. On the other side of the stage, Inuyasha is frowning, his hands tightly gripping the armrests of his chair. While the hanyou is hardly in a position to disagree with Miroku – that would be calling Kikyou unattractive, which is not acceptable, never mind the fact that he would have no problem telling her reincarnation such a lie – Inuyasha is undeniably flustered by the idea of Miroku saying anything sexual about his first love. Noticing this instant reaction in the hanyou, Miroku merely smirks before leaning back into the microphone.
"Let's face it, Lady Kikyou is officially the hottest dead person you will ever see," he adds, fanning the fire under Inuyasha's Hot Seat. "Although," he adds then, "when it comes to female villains who gradually turn into good-guys, there's another contender who ranks pretty high on the sex-o-meter."
Pausing once more, Miroku glances back over towards his fellow roasters, his violet eyes this time locking on a pair of surprised crimson orbs.
"Kagura, Kagura, Kagura…"
Shaking his head, Miroku's smirk turns serious for just a moment.
"I might've been interested in you, too, if you weren't a detachment of Naraku. Now, I'm not saying that being congealed from his flesh makes you a man in my eyes, especially since he isn't really much of a man to begin with, but it certainly doesn't help your case. While you are notably beautiful, and you certainly appear to beall woman, let us not forget that Naraku himself possesses the ability to transform his body into that of a female. How are we not to say that you are not simply a representative of his own female ruse? If there is one thing I have learned in my pursuit of the feminine form, it's that looks can be deceiving, and regardless of what some of my fans like to fantasize about, this Miroku is definitely a lady's man, through and through. But your questionable origins aren't the only reason I'm not interested, and even though I'm not attracted to you, I do feel sorry for you. I mean, you're a slave to a maniacal, tentacle-wielding bad guy. That's the plot of every seedy, tentacle rape H-movie out there."
Shifting his gaze to the tentacle-wielding bad guy in question, Miroku's brows lower in consternation as he scolds, "And Naraku, you should be ashamed of yourself."
The twinkle in his eyes returns quickly.
"Has anybody ever asked you why your first incarnation was a beautiful woman? Just because that Musashi district court judge acquitted you because it was 'masturbation' doesn't mean it isn't wrong. Everyone knows you bribed the judge, anyway. And just why is Kagura betraying you, really? Probably because you didn't satisfy her. No, she prefers dog meat. You'd think that with as crafty as you got to be with your chunk of the jewel, you would have been able to create at least one loyal incarnation, but we all know the ones who never betrayed you were simply taken out before they were given the chance. Even beings you manipulated into working with you by offering up the power of a jewel shard or three never stayed loyal to you for very long. It's just unfortunate that none of them had the power to successfully take you out. If I were given the chance to choose who amongst your supposed comrades was to be the one to kill you, I think I would pick Jakotsu. Tentacles versus a snake-sword would certainly be an entertaining match, perhaps even worthy of betting money on. Jakotsu may be human, but his bloodlust easily outranks the most vicious of youkai."
Over on the couch, said mercenary has a contemplative look on his face at Miroku's words, while sitting behind him on the left-most barstool, Naraku looks thoroughly amused at the absurdity of suggesting a mere mortal could actually take him out.
"Now, there are a lot of perverted, twisted ways a man can get off in this world. I would know; I've tried many of them. But slowly slicing someone into little pieces? That has to take the cake. Why can't you be a normal homosexual, instead of a homicidal one? I think we might need to invent a new term for people like you: homo-icidal. Though on second thought, I take that back, because I seriously doubt there are other people like you, or I at least sure hope there aren't. Sesshoumaru comes close when it comes to bloodlust, although with the demon lord it's clear that that's the only type of lust he feels. Sesshoumaru is definitely another character I really have a problem with. He may be the second most desirable male on the show, after yours truly, and by far the most desirable full youkai…"
Over on the dais, Kouga can be heard snorting to himself.
"…but Sesshoumaru, you're wasting your natural talent!" Miroku continues unfazed. "You could probably have your pick of the most beautiful and foxy demonesses out there, even with only one arm! And yet, instead of a gorgeous vixen, you choose a little toad-man who utterly worships you. Should I read something into that or is there a good reason as to why you have no interest in women? Perhaps you're more like Jakotsu than I originally thought."
Over on the dais, Kouga tries his best to nonchalantly shift himself further away from the daiyoukai as a subsonic growl the humans can't hear vibrates deeply in his chest.
"Or on second thought, I stand corrected. I forgot that there is one woman with whom you show a moderate amount of interest, although perhaps 'woman' isn't the correct term. Just what, exactly, are you doing with that little girl, Sesshoumaru? And people say I'm a pervert. The way I see it, the fact that there isn't at least one gorgeous youkai female hanging off your shoulder at all times means that you're biding your time before making a move with the female you already have. Though then again, considering your supposed disgust with your father for favoring a human woman, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you really are into guys."
Chuckling to himself, Miroku glances out over the audience before adding, "I think I just disappointed about half of your fan base, though the other half is very excited at the good news. And speaking of disappointing fan bases…"
Turning, Miroku smirks at his companions on the dais, his comment clearly intending to reflect the disappointing number of one's fans.
"Allow me to introduce our first roaster, who has left absolutely no doubt as to which gender he prefers. He's not without his faults, as I'm sure the other roasters will point out, but in terms of chasing tail, he and I are kindred spirits. Please welcome Kouga!"
As the audience erupts in applause, the spotlight swivels to Kouga's position on the fourth barstool, which just happens to be placed almost directly behind Kagome. Grinning into the camera as his enlarged visage appears on the monitor behind him, Kouga truly is a sight to see, dressed in tight fitting blue denim with a polished white stretch muscle shirt concealing none of his flawless physique. Instead of up in his traditional ponytail, his hair is down and free-flowing, giving him the classic appearance of a lover on the cover of a romance novel. As a funky, almost pornographic jazz beat begins flowing through the speakers, he nods in brief acknowledgment to the monk who takes his seat on the last barstool, closest to center stage, before slowly rising to his feet. Sending a devilish smirk Kagome's way as the tempo of his chosen song picks up, Kouga takes his first, swag step towards the microphone, as Isaac Hayes' smooth baritone fills the air.
I'm gonna make love to ya, woman,
Gonna lay ya down by the fire,
And caress your womanly body,
Make ya moan and perspire.
Turning back towards the dais, Kouga locks eyes with Kagome, who blushes despite herself at the intensity of his stare. Over in the Hot Seat, Inuyasha's eyes are burning with a different type of intensity.
Sending a knowing smirk the hanyou's way, Kouga completes his cool stride as his song reaches the end.
Gonna get those juices flowin'.
We're makin' love gravy, love gravy,
Love love love love love GRAVY!
As the music comes to an abrupt stop the audience once again erupts in applause, which Kouga soaks up greedily, waving to his adoring fans as though he is accepting an award.
A wolfish grin appears on Kouga's already smug visage as he glances out over the full crowd present this evening. He leans slightly over the microphone on the podium before him and shouts out, "Thank you!"
Despite his implied lack of fans in comparison to some of the other characters, the crowd goes wild once again at Kouga's words. Soaking up the attention, the wolf-youkai doesn't notice the way his fellow roasters roll their eyes. Finally, as the audience starts to settle down, Kouga decides to get down to business, as he turns to first address the man who'd until only recently held his place in the spotlight.
"You think we're 'kindred spirits,' eh monk? Not likely. First of all, I only chase one woman. Earlier you said you wished the series had a whore, but I think you're overlooking something. The series does have a whore, and it's you!"
Covering their mouths with their hands, the women on stage try to conceal their giggles, while Miroku merely shrugs, taking the comment in stride.
"Although, the more I think about it…" Kouga continues then, "A person is only a whore if they're actually sleeping around with a bunch of other people, so you know what, monk, you're right after all, the series doesn't have a whore. I mean, how many women have you chased after, and yet you still get no pussy? That's worse than sitting at home masturbating every day!"
Shifting his gaze so that he's addressing the audience directly, he continues.
"At least the Internet porn addict doesn't strike out every time he gets up to the plate. He's batting 1.000! Miroku is batting 0.016…the one time he gave his cousin Ichirou a hand job does count. Now as for myself, while I may be celibate, it's by choice. I could have any woman I wanted, but I'm saving myself for my one true love. See, monk, there's this little thing some of us guys like to call honor," Kouga states as he shifts his gaze back to the houshi once more.
"Not that I suppose you're really without any honor, considering you never get anywhere with all your womanizing. Masturbation is certainly not a crime. Then again, with you it might be, considering that magic little pocket you used to have in the palm of your hand. Did you ever wonder what was on the other side of your wind tunnel when you masturbated with it? It could've just been an empty void, but what if it wasn't? What if it was a day care center? All the kids waited with bated breath to see the magical ding-dong appear in the wall at precisely 3:32 pm Monday through Saturday and twice on Sunday. Or what if it was just a forest or something? That might not've been immoral, but you're damn sure lucky one of the demons you sucked in didn't bite off your dick!"
Over on the dais, the other roasters are having a harder time controlling themselves, while Miroku is starting to look a little pale, his eyes wide.
"Maybe you should just marry your right hand, because let's face it, you'll never get a woman into bed. The trouble is figuring out how your hand could bear you an heir. Let's see, you could cut a new hole in your palm and ejaculate inside it. If that doesn't work, maybe you could get Naraku to teach you how to congeal one. It would look just like its mother, and you could name it Righty Jr. Then you would have three sets of fingers for when you pleasured yourself: one for your cock, one to choke yourself, and the other to stick up your ass."
Chuckling to himself, Kouga shakes his head, suddenly adopting a rather serious expression.
"Of course, all kidding aside, the kazaana was really no laughing matter. But what I never understood was all the angst brought on by never knowing when it might end your life. I mean, if it was really that big of a deal, then why not just cut off the damn arm? Sure the fuck beats getting sucked up into nothingness! I'm sure Mutt-face could've help you out in that department, right Sesshoumaru?"
Turning to address the daiyoukai personally, Kouga's smirk is firmly in place as he continues.
"Did you really get your arm chopped off by Inuyasha? That guy, over there? The one who routinely gets tricked by children a fraction of his age and twice his intellect? The one who has shoved his foot in his mouth so many times he has Athlete's Foot on his tongue and oral herpes on his foot? – blame Miroku for that one. The guy who loves the taste of dirt so much that you can't walk half a mile in Musashi without seeing an imprint of his face? That Inuyasha? Wow…you suck, Sesshoumaru."
To Kouga's left, the man of honor actually cracks a smile, despite the insults directed towards himself, while over on the dais, the daiyoukai's eyes narrow dangerously.
Seeing this, Kagura is quick to come to Sesshoumaru's defense as she shouts out, "Hey, don't forget you almost lost an arm to Inuyasha, yourself!"
Unfazed by the attempted rebuttal, Kouga sends a grateful smile Kagome's way as he purrs, "But my beautiful miko saved me from that fate."
Flushing slightly, Kagome averts her gaze from the now frowning Inuyasha, not wanting to get dragged into the middle of anything. Kouga is quick to recover as he taps his notes on the podium, getting back to his verbal assault on the hanyou's older brother.
"But seriously, Sesshoumaru, you may act all 'high and mighty', but when it really boils down to it, you're no different from the rest of us. You're just as capable of underestimating the power of your enemies. None of us here have forgotten the time you were tricked by Naraku, when he gave you that human arm so that you could hold Tetsusaiga without getting zapped. You claim to have no interest in the power of the jewel shards, but one of those buggers sure seemed to come in handy right then, didn't it? At least until it almost possessed you. Then there was the time you tried to smash Tetsusaiga with that 'borrowed' dragon arm of yours. What was that all about? If you can't have it, then no one can? Real mature. And then there you went underestimating Dog-shit, again. Hell, even I know to get the fuck outta dodge when he whips out that damn sword of his. As they say, he who fights and runs away lives to fight another day. I could totally take him if it weren't for Tetsusaiga, so in a way it's kinda cheating since the power ain't really his own, but he's got control of it regardless. You almost bought it when he Kaze no Kizu'd your ass. You're just lucky he didn't really give it his all. That's right, Sesshoumaru, you're alive today because Inuyasha spared you."
Sighing to himself, Kouga shakes his head before continuing.
"And just think, if it weren't for Mutt-face nearly killing you, then you never would've met that little human ward of yours. I suppose you owe your brother for that one, though why you're so fond of that ningen child, I haven't a clue. I've tried to think of a legitimate reason for you to keep a human girl around for as long as you have, but I just can't find one. She slows you down, requires food and water on a daily basis, and periodically needs to be rescued. More than once your enemies have used her and turned her into your weakness, and yet you still failed to drop her butt off at the nearest human settlement. You clearly want her around, despite the inconveniences, so that has me wondering…are you a pedophile?"
Glancing away from the daiyoukai to the wind witch sitting beside him, Kouga gestures to the kaze-youkai with a wave of his hand.
"The only real evidence against it is your juvenile, pussyfooting relationship with Kagura. Though I can't believe you're even willing to be in the same room as her after she kidnapped Rin, let alone show her any remote amount of compassion. But then again, everyone seems to be fairly eager to forgive the wind bitch all her wrongdoings with a flutter of her fan and an innocently mumbled 'Naraku made me do it.'"
Locking eyes with the wind-youkai in question, Kouga visibly shudders, before stating in a serious tone, "Kagura, of all of the vile, deceitful, most gruesome things you have ever done in your short life, being openly attracted to the mutt's brother is by far the most 'befuddling,' as Miroku so helpfully defined for us when he decided we were all idiots. But seriously, Kagura, what the hell are you thinking?"
Over in the chair of honor, Inuyasha smirks at this, while Kagura narrows her own eyes at the wolf-youkai.
"I get that in a way you're just a puppet with Naraku pulling your strings, however unwilling you might be, but you've shown us time and time again that you also have a mind of your own. Don't think I'll forget what you did to my pack. Even if you were 'just following orders,' their blood is still on your hands. I can't believe you fucking turned good guy at the end and everybody was so quick to forgive and forget! How is that fucking fair? You slaughtered my people! You've tried to kill Kagome and her friends! And now I'm supposed to feel sorry for you?I don't fucking think so. Bottom line, bitch: you're a detachment of Naraku, and no part of that ass-wipe deserves my pity. He's a cruel, sadistic egomaniac more in love with his own 'ingenious' twisted and diabolical schemes than the thought of actually achieving anything besides the bloodshed of innocent bystanders. He isn't even that good at being a bad guy! How often did he actually, successfully kill off any of his main enemies? You know what they say…when everything is said and done, usually more is said than done."
Shifting his gaze further left, to Kagura's right, Kouga sneers at the dark hanyou in question.
"Tell me something, Naraku, why do you fucking talk so much? You must be the stupidest villain in the history of villainy! This show could've ended in season one if you weren't such a pussy! Why didn't you just kill Dog-shit and get it over with, you sick bastard? You could've easily killed Mutt-face by now, and then I could've taken Kagome to 'bear my children,' as someone might say. I mean hell, I might not like the dog, but nobody deserves the kind of shit you've pulled. You're like a puppet-master, shoving your hand up the asses of all of your minions. Now, whether that's literal or figurative, you'd have to ask them…"
Gazing back to the incarnation sitting to Naraku's left, Kouga's eyes soften just the tiniest bit.
"Tell you what, Kagura, if you want to make it up to me, how about using that 'Dance of the Dead' voodoo of yours on a certain undead priestess? Kikyou obviously isn't doing a good enough job of keeping Dog-shit's attention all by herself. How about making her a little more…lively, if you'll pardon the pun? With Dog-breath finally out of the way…"
Letting his words trail off, Kouga suggestively waggles his eyebrows in Kagome's direction. Then panning his eyes left two women over, the wolf skims over Sango to the undead miko in question, an involuntary shudder running through him.
"Honestly, Kikyou, I have no idea what the mutt sees in you, though as long as it keeps him away from my Kagome, then I'm all for it. But you gotta help me out here; inquiring minds want to know. Sometimes you hear the expression 'turn on a stone,' which is naturally assumed to be difficult, right? But what about clay and graveyard soil? So Kikyou, tell us, how do you turn on a dead person? And what do we get if we successfully moisten your cave? Will it feel like robbing the grave if I fuck you? Something other than actual intercourse sounds more pleasant, but I don't think I want a 'dirt job.'"
Over on the couch, Kikyou's eyes narrow to dangerous slits as she sends a seething glare towards her reincarnation, as though Kouga's words were actually her fault. Sweat-dropping at being caught chuckling at the wolf's remarks, Kagome is only grateful that Sango is sitting between herself and her preincarnation. Meanwhile, Inuyasha looks about ready to leap from his seat and strangle the wolf for his words, though no one can miss the brief flash of curiosity that passes over his eyes, as if he is truly pondering Kouga's statement.
Ignoring both Kikyou and Inuyasha's reactions to his words, Kouga once again shifts his focus to Kagome.
"I sometimes find it hard to believe that you are actually her reincarnation, though I suppose the expression 'practice makes perfect' could be applied here. Even the gods can't possibly get everything – or anything, in this case – right on the first try. There is truly no comparison between the two of you, aside from some minor physical similarities. Just think, Kagome, in twenty years you'll either look like Kikyou or your mom. Personally, I'd choose Mrs. Higurashi; she's a MILF if ever I've seen one."
At Kouga's words, the MILF in question is once again targeted by one of the secondary spotlights. Blushing despite herself, Mrs. Higurashi's face is locked in a classic mix of flattery and embarrassment, while Kagome tries to slip further into the couch cushions.
"Kikyou is a MILF, too…" Kouga continues without missing a beat. "As in: 'Man, I'll Let you go First…Makes Igor Look Fuckable…Masturbation Is Looking Fantastic…Marijuana, Ice or LSD First…My Irises Like Fork, as in – I'd rather gouge my eyes out than see you naked!"
Once again locking eyes with the undead miko for a moment, Kouga adds, "I could go on with those forever, but I think you get my point." Then gazing back out over the audience, he curls up the edges of his lips in a smooth smile.
"Kagome is like a bottle of 1970 Domaine Romanée-Conti. Oh, yeah, gooooooooood stuff. Kikyou is like prune juice. One look at that freakin' scary mug cures constipation in an instant! Kagome is a beautiful rose, grown with tender and loving care in a porcelian pot. Kikyou is the bouquet from last Valentine's Day you find in the city dump. Half decomposed and smelling like compost. Kagome is a gorgeously groomed poodle. Kikyou is the ugly-ass komodor that got left in the car for too long. Yeah, he's dead. Stick a pole in him and you have the perfect mop. Stick a pole in Kikyou and you have the perfect scarecrow!"
The audience's reaction is mixed as Kouga finally pauses in his Kikyou-bashing. All of the Kikyou-haters in attendance are going crazy with laughter while the Kikyou-sympathizers are wearing bored expressions, waiting for the ookami to move on. They don't have long to wait, as the wolf-youkai shifts his attention away from the undead priestess and towards the second undead individual on the dais.
"Of course, when it comes to walking corpses, I can think of a few people a hell of a lot creepier than the kami's failed first-attempt at perfection. Seven people, in fact…"
Visibly shuddering, Kouga takes a moment to gather himself before his smug look is firmly back in place.
"I guess why use Kagura's 'Dance of the Dead' to control a bunch of corpses like marionettes if a few jewel shards are all that's needed to reconnect body and soul, am I right? But from what I'd heard, the infamous Shichinin-tai were truly a force to be reckoned with. After meeting them in person, they're not so scary. Creepy and disgusting, yes, but not scary. After all, if Mutt-face can take 'em out, then they can't be that dangerous, and the guy I fought certainly didn't put up that much of a fight.
"I wonder how the seven of them got together in the first place. Did Bankotsu have an ad out in the personals? 'Wanted: Six men to help me pillage and rape the countryside?' And were they always a group of seven? Lucky number seven? Or did they pick up additional members along the way, like the inu-tachi did? What was up with that, anyway? The inu-tachi, I mean. 'Your life was ruined by Naraku, too? Well, then come and join us!' Heh, do you guys travel down the road skipping and singing 'We're off to slay Naraku'? But now that I think about it, one 'Wizard of OZ' parody with you lot is bad enough, so we definitely don't need two, even if the Band of Seven also formed one member at a time. Though when I think about those guys, it really isn't a 'Wizard of OZ' parody that comes to mind, anyway. More like 'Snow White'…"
Pausing, Kouga allows a moment for his words to sink in.
"I mean think about it, truly think about it. Seven men, each who could function as the poster-child for diversity with their physical and/or mental issues, traveling and working together as one big family, despite having no actual blood relation to one another."
Scanning the audience for where the rest of the Shichinin-tai are seated, Kouga grins.
"When you guys head out in the morning, do you sing that song? You know – 'Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to murder we go!'" Kouga sings animatedly, adding a quick "Slash maim kill smash stab chop slay die!" to the tune of the whistle. "Hi ho!"
Pausing with a finger on his chin, the wolf looks thoughtful as he takes a moment to allow the laughter to quiet down. "Hmmm…I'm sure I've heard Bankotsu say 'Hi ho' at least once, but then again he was probably just talking to Jakotsu," he adds, turning to lock eyes for a moment with the single Band of Seven member who's also currently a member of the dais. Kouga smirks.
"What do you think, Jakotsu? Are you guys like the Seven Dwarfs? Let's review the required credentials, shall we? Short - Well, one of you is. Check. Round - Again, one of you is. Check. One of you is borderline retarded - If you have a guy who can only say 'Gesh', then that counts. Check. One of you is a grouchy, world-hating bastard - Yep, that's Renkotsu for you. Check. Let's see, what else… The leader of the group is the only one without a major physical or mental defect - Yup. Check. One of you is really shy - Well, I guess Suikotsu qualifies here, because he tries very hard to hide is evil half. Check. One of you is a very happy, jolly person - That's you all the way, Jak. Check. Hmmm…Sleepy and Sneezy are hard to find analogies for..."
Turning to address the audience, Kouga adds, "Eh, fuck it, you get the idea. So yes, you guys are pretty similar to the Seven Dwarfs. I wonder what your 'Dwarf names' would be? Kyoukotsu could be 'Hulky', Renkotsu could be 'Pyro', Mukotsu would probably just be called 'Ugly', 'Tank' would be a good name for Ginkotsu, Suikotsu could be 'Crazy' and by that same token Bankotsu would be 'Normal.' That only leaves one Dwarf; we can't forget about our dear friend 'Homo,' now can we?"
Turning to meet Jakotsu's eyes once more, Kouga is surprised to see that the mercenary is not angry. Instead, he seems to be contemplating the new nickname, not really caring that the rest of the Shichinin-tai received less-than-flattering ones. The ookami is not pleased.
"Seriously, Jak, I just don't get you. And it's not the fact that you're gay. I mean, if you were horny for a really attractive guy – like say, me – then I'd understand. But Inuyasha? What exactly do you see in him? He's got animal ears, hair the color of an old woman's, and a fashion sense more deficient than Yura's sense of propriety. Yeah, that's right, hair bitch, I didn't forget about you. I think Takahashi was looking for a hook at the beginning of the story, and a half dressed hussy with a severe hair fetish…well, I guess that was it.
"But back to Inuyasha, I'll ask you again. What do you see in him, Jak? He dresses like a colorblind toddler. All red, Inuyasha? Really? Two colors would've been too many? Kami, the only thing that would make you look more like a skid mark would be if your little uniform was brown instead of red. Honestly, Jak, as much as you love Inuyasha, it must be torture for you to be in my presence. Since I'm ten times more attractive than the hanyou, you must be ten times more attracted to me, right? Although, maybe in thinking that I'm assuming your mind isn't fucked up beyond repair already, and I'm not sure I want to make that assumption. It doesn't really matter. I'm sorry, Jak, but you'll just have to get over me. I'm a one-woman man. Right, Kagome?" Kouga finishes with a wink sent back in the miko's direction.
He isn't really expecting a reply, and is therefore caught off guard when the miko suddenly shouts back, "Yeah right! If that's true, then why are you chasing me around when you already have Ayame?"
Kouga blanches, some of the color draining from his face.
"L-leave her out of this!" he yells back, flustered. "She's not even a real character!"
Suddenly, the spotlights swivel back out into the audience, revealing a very real-looking woman who's just jumped from her seat; a woman with fiery red hair and smoldering green eyes.
"Hey! I am so real!"
Kouga pales even more at her declaration, having had no idea the she-wolf would be in attendance.
"S-shut up, you! Go sit back down!" he bellows.
"Oh, so you think I'm going to take orders from you? Not likely, you unfaithful bastard!"
"Who's unfaithful? Whatever I may or may not have promised you, it was when you were a kid. You were still picking your nose and playing with dollies when I told you whatever I told you!"
"So what? You still said it. An honorable man would keep to his word!"
"Whatever. It doesn't even matter, because it only happened in the anime, and therefore doesn't count."
"WHAT? So you're gonna dismiss how we got together at the end of the anime, too?"
"Hell yes I am! That wasn't even me! The studio had to hire a stand-in to do that scene."
"Or maybe they just lost your phone number because you hadn't appeared in an episode for so long."
The audience 'oohs' at the she-wolf's zing, and for a moment a victorious smirk appears on Ayame's features, but Kouga is quick to respond.
"At least I'm not just a lowly anime fill-in character! You know what, you shouldn't even be here. This roast is for manga characters only."
Ayame's fists clench at her sides in righteous indignation, but she doesn't really have an argument against Kouga's statement. The problem in her eyes goes right up through Comedy Central back to the original anime producers, and even to Rumiko Takahashi herself.
"Fine, I'll leave! But someday you'll regret discriminating against anime-only characters. There are more of us than you realize, and one day we will rise up together and overthrow your manga-ocracy and make you our slaves!"
Everyone on the dais laughs heartily at the she-wolf's 'threat'. Angered and embarrassed, Ayame storms out the nearest emergency exit, unwilling to stay in the audience after all that, as she leaves with as much dignity as she can muster, grumbling under her breath about the injustice of it all. It takes the male ookami several seconds to realize that all eyes are once again on him, and clearing his throat awkwardly, Kouga picks up his notes and taps them against the podium, his smooth demeanor thoroughly ruffled.
"I…uh…" he rambles, his concentration shattered. Clearing his throat again, the wolf takes a brief moment to skim over his routine before getting back on the proverbial horse.
"W-well…like I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I'm a one-woman man, unlike a certain 'houshi' I can think of…" Kouga begins, bringing things back around to Miroku again.
"Although, now that I think about it, I stand corrected…"
Turning to meet Miroku's gaze head on, Kouga's smirk of superiority is back in place as he observes, "You finally did it."
The look in Kouga's eyes shifts to one of utter amazement.
"You've got to tell us how… How in all the hells did you actually get Sango to agree to be yours? The world must be coming to an end!"
As the audience laughs while Miroku adopts his own smug expression, it's Sango's turn to blush from her place on the sofa.
"Seriously, though, you two are perfect for each other." Kouga continues then, addressing both the slayer and monk together. "Miroku needs someone to slap him around and keep him in line, and Sango is a sadist who needs someone to slap around. It's a match made in Pervert's Heaven! Though you know...now that I think about it, your whole group is full of sadists and masochists…"
Kouga shifts his eyes in Kagome's direction once more.
"Kagome, baby, you know I love you, but Miroku was right about your temper. Not that I really mind it all that much if you wanna slam the mutt's face into the dirt. It's not like he doesn't deserve it. It actually makes me laugh…and I can't help but wonder, if you had accidentally said 'Shit' instead of 'Sit' that first time, would Dog-turd crap himself every time you activate the rosary?"
Chuckling a little to himself at his own joke, Kouga finally turns and matches gazes with the man of honor.
"You know, Mutt-face, for the longest time I wondered why even someone as stupid as you got 'Sat' as often as you did. Then one day it finally came to me: you're a masochist!"
"Yes!" Jakotsu yells out from his place on the couch.
Momentarily glancing in the mercenary's direction, Kouga is quick to direct his attention back to the hanyou as he asks, "You hear that, Dog-shit? You act like such a tough guy, but in reality you're just a disturbed little puppy screaming 'Somebody spank me!'"
"I'll do it! I'll do it!"
"Shut up, Jakotsu! No spanking for you!" Kouga yells, turning around to glare in the effeminate man's direction. "As a matter of fact, you should be banned from asses altogether because you don't know how to treat them. The asshole is not a car engine; you don't just turn it on and start pistoning! Asses are special, particularly a woman's."
Suddenly, Kouga's gaze shifts back to Kagome.
"A woman's ass needs to be caressed, petted…licked…then you take one finger..."
Raising up his right hand, the wolf-youkai languidly licks his index finger. The audience grows deathly silent, except for some heavy breathing. Kouga pauses for a moment, then chuckles, breaking the spell.
Over on the dais, Kagome is more than a little flustered. Seeing her reaction, Inuyasha's mood immediately sours beyond what he'd been feeling at Kouga's jokes about being 'Sat'. The wolf better hurry his shit along.
"That's another thing you know about me, Kagome: I know how to treat a woman. I would cherish you, give you anything you wanted, and never be unfaithful to you, especially not with someone who looks like you. And if you're looking for sexual satisfaction, and I think you are, then I can take you to a whole new world. I'll make you feel things you've never even dreamed of before, things that will literally blow your mind. And that's just the beginning. I'm an even better lover than I am a fighter, Kagome, and I know I can make you the most satisfied woman on the planet.
"If for some insane reason you choose Dog-shit, on the other hand, I know you'll regret it. You'll lie awake at night, unsatisfied again, thinking of me and wondering what could have been. Then you'll touch yourself dreaming of all the pleasures I could have given you, which you'll never experience with that mangy mutt. He barely knows how to masturbate, never mind please a woman."
The grating sound interjecting its way into the pauses of Kouga's speech is that of Inuyasha's teeth grinding together. Kagome shakes her head as she glances past Kouga to meet Inuyasha's eyes, silently telling him to take it all in stride. She then gazes back at Kouga with a slightly bored expression, wondering when this jealous-narcissistic rant will be over. Kouga is too involved in himself to notice any of these things, of course.
"Tetsusaiga's enormous size is clearly overcompensation," he continues. "It's just like a man with a tiny penis buying a huge gun or a Hummer. But hey, at least you'll get to handle one huge sword in your life, eh Mutt-face? Or maybe more, depending on which way you decide to swing after Kagome officially becomes my woman. Maybe you'll shack up with Jakotsu and his perverted buddies. Then you wouldn't be the only one overcompensating with his sword. Jak's is even longer than yours when he pulls it out and uses it. So what does that say about 'little Jak?' He could be a freakin' eunuch for all we know."
Jakotsu scoffs, starting to rise to his feet, fully intent on visually rebutting the wolf's latest lie, but a firm hand clutches his shoulder and pushes him back down on the couch. It belongs to Kagura, whose deep, violent eyes inform the mercenary that if he reveals his dick, he will lose it. Jakotsu harrumphs but remains seated, crossing his arms and legs petulantly.
"That's the best thing you've ever done, Kagura," a relieved Kouga states. "If we can go the whole night without someone exposing themselves, I will consider this roast a success.
"But back to Mutt-face, he not only overcompensates with his sword, but he thinks with it as well. The battle sword, I mean; there're no brains in the other one. He hasn't shown any indication that he has any sense of sexual attraction at all, which is a good thing for him. If he made any kind of move with those dirty hands on my Kagome, I'd have to slice off his balls and shove them down his throat."
A smattering of boos greets the wolf's latest proclamation, and those, combined with Kagome's pleading gesture, are probably the only things that keep Inuyasha in his chair. Kouga shakes his head, a silent snarl twisting his once-composed lips.
"Go ahead and boo! At least I have the guts to say what needs to be said. I must be the only one who's glad Mutt-face is such a loser in the love department. It's as plain as the ears on his head that I'm a much better choice for Kagome than he is. Have you people all forgotten that no matter how powerful his sword gets, or how many weird friends he gathers, he's still just a hanyou? He still turns into a weak human each month, and during those times he can't even protect himself, let alone anyone else.
"I only let Kagome stay with him at those times because I respect the fighting abilities of the monk and the slayer, despite their other issues. How can I respect a man who can't even control his own blood? A man who allows a vicious animal to take over his body and mind when the going gets tough? Desperate moments are when true youkai rise up and show their greatest strength, but they always remain in control. Becoming a mongrel beast is a sign of weakness. The hanyou body is weak enough already, but the mind may be weaker still. You bring shame upon your already pathetic race, Inuyasha! How can you say you deserve a woman like Kagome?"
Kouga pauses; his heavy breathing can be heard over the microphone. The audience and the roasters have been effectively stunned into silence, and even Kouga seems to be shocked by his enraged outburst. He swallows anxiously, seemingly aware that he has crossed a line. Kagome cares for the hanyou, and he does not wish to incur her wrath upon himself. A conciliation must be made.
"But…for a hanyou, you're pretty tough. I wouldn't have left Kagome in your care if I thought you couldn't protect her. I trust you to protect my woman, and so far you haven't let me down. I am grateful for that. So…you've proven that you can do one thing right. Congratulations. But other than that, you're still the biggest dumb ass I've ever met. I hope someday you realize you have no chance against me for Kagome's heart. Peace out!"
A mixed assortment of applause sounds from people both laughing either with or at the exiting ookami. His swagger regained, Kouga strolls back to his seat as confidently as the Brawny man cleans up kitchen spills, ignoring the glares sent his way by some of his fellow roasters, while a bemused Miroku shakes his head as he passes the wolf on his way back up to the podium.
"Well, apparently I had you pegged all wrong, Kouga," Miroku states as he reclaims his spot at the microphone. "You and I are not kindred spirits, after all. The 'construction worker on a date' look you have going there should have told me that. Perhaps I do chase a lot of tail, but that is far better than saving oneself for a woman who is simply not interested. And contrary to the excrement that consistently spewed from that wormhole you call a mouth, I have chosen one woman. That fact surely explains much of my admitted failings with the wooing of the other members of the opposite sex. But what's the harm with a little flirting? I also think you underestimate my favor with the ladies; half of the female audience would probably sleep with me right now."
Miroku raises a hand to the audience, and smirks when a chorus of feminine cries goes up on cue. It at least rivals any of the applauses Kouga himself received. Some of the women near the stage quiet sooner than the rest, silenced by a venomous glare from a stewing taijiya. Fortunately, Miroku is almost finished making his point.
"Perhaps half was a low-ball estimate. And while you spent an inordinate amount of time opining on how often I masturbate - which isn't that often; I am a monk, after all - you never enlightened us as to how often you pleasure yourself. It must be quite frequently, I'm sure. Running around with a bunch of smelly animals and even smellier guys, barely sniffing a desirable woman once every few weeks. Wow…'chaffed' must be the natural state of your penis now, huh? You've probably jerked off enough to have married your right hand, divorced it, and then remarried it several times over. Jerk, rinse, and repeat. You must be able to do it in your sleep…literally. Ever wake up with sticky furry underpants, Kouga? Or has your dick been so overworked that it's shooting air? Oh, oh, OH, OH, OOHH! POOF!"
Miroku punctuates his joke with the classic wanking arm motion followed by an explosion simulated by his hands. Kouga frowns, clearly not happy with the audience's raucous laughter. Kagome tries in vain to hide her giggles, infuriating the wolf even further. Miroku remains unfazed; he gazes at the wolf with a superior look that leaves his message unmistakably clear. Never trash-talk a lecher, especially about something perverted.
"I suppose your one saving grace is that you have an inkling of how a woman's ass should be treated. You have a lot to learn, but that lame, tired 'technique' you proposed is a decent start. I could describe some more advanced methods for you now, but we all promised Comedy Central we wouldn't harm the audience, and giving a hundred women imagination-ecstasy-induced heart attacks would probably qualify. So no, I won't be divulging any of my secrets tonight. And I guess I'd better move away from the subject of asses and onto a more…well, a different subject.
"Our next roaster is a woman, but with the kimono she normally wears, it's hard to tell what her ass looks like, or if she even has one. Whoops! I came back to asses again. I just can't help myself. Anyway, our next roaster is admittedly striking, but there are a few problems that prevent me from being attracted to her. First, she's violent and unstable, and not the typical woman's version of violent and unstable. If she threatened to cut off my dick, I would start running because it wouldn't be an empty threat. Second, she's caught the eye of a powerful inu-youkai that I really don't want to get into a pissing contest with. Third, and more serious, she's a detachment of a man, and a particularly nasty and deranged man at that. I consider myself fairly discriminating in the women I favor with my attentions, and unfortunately for her our next roaster just doesn't pass my standards. I guess I'll just have to leave her to the dogs…or dog, as the case may be. Please welcome, Kagura."
As the stage's main spotlight swivels back over to highlight Kagura's position in between Naraku and Sesshoumaru, a demure smile stretches slowly across her lips as gentle piano music starts filtering in softly through the speakers. Being seated on one of the barstools rather than on the couch up front with the other women in no way hinders the wind-youkai's ability to rise gracefully to her feet in her midnight blue floor-length Vera Wang, sending her 'master' a meaningful glance as through the stage's sound system, a woman's voice that is soft yet strong begins singing in tune with the piano accompaniment.
All of my hate cannot be bound,
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming.
Now, you can try to tear me down,
Beat me to the ground,
I will see you screaming…
As drums and electric guitar join in the mix, Kagura glides smoothly across the stage towards the podium in her strapless gown, her head held high as tendrils of hair left free from her elaborate updo brush teasingly against her bare shoulders. Suddenly, Amy Lee's voice through the speakers gets louder, demanding that neither she nor Kagura be ignored, as a spark of fire ignites in the demoness' eyes, Evanescence's cover of Korn stating her emotions perfectly.
Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies,
Pushing all the mercy down, down, down.
I wanna see you try to take a swing at me.
Come on, gonna put you on the ground, ground, ground.
As her musical accompaniment fades off, Kagura stands boldly at the podium, scanning the audience. Most of her fellow incarnations are present here this evening, as are a good deal of Naraku's enemies, considering how just about everyone in attendance is a fan of the inu-tachi, which by default makes them enemies of Naraku. Smirking, it doesn't take the wind witch long to get into the spirit of things, as she leans into the microphone, deliberately displaying a moderate amount of cleavage, and with lips painted a deep crimson to match her eyes, proudly declares, "As Miroku has so graciously pointed out, just because I was born of Naraku's flesh, it doesn't make me any less of a woman."
Standing straight and turning her head, Kagura glances the monk's way before adding, "But it's fortunate for you that you have no interest. A mere mortal such as yourself would never be able to handle me, anyway. How did you put it? I prefer 'dog meat'? Of course, one could hardly expect to hear anecdotes of a higher caliber from the same mouth that spews forth that kami-forsaken 'Will you bear my child?' shtick.
"I said shtick, Kouga…" Kagura clarifies immediately as though it had come under question, locking gazes with the wolf-youkai for a moment.
"You see, unlike some people, not all of us need to resort to foul language in order to garner attention for ourselves. Not that I am incapable of cussing, you filth-ridden, egotistical prick. Although I suppose it is true, I have brought your ire upon myself, what with the destruction of nearly your entire pack. I would flutter my fan and innocently mumble 'Naraku made me do it', but somehow, I get the impression that that won't work with you.
"What do you want, an apology? All right, I'm sorry I slaughtered your people, though I can't say I didn't enjoy it. Besides, let's face it; with you as their leader, they were all bound to wind up dead sooner or later, anyway. You have got to be the least organized commander I have ever met, and let's keep in mind, I work under Naraku. 'Now, whether that's literal or figurative'…either way you're a disgusting pig! I can't believe you had the audacity to stand up there and say half the things that went flying from that garbage hole you call a mouth! Although to be honest, I couldn't keep up with everything you said, considering your routine bounced back and forth more times than a ping-pong ball. You really are disorganized. And yet you have the balls to stand up there and degrade Inuyasha's battle techniques? He may be messy, but at least he gets the job done, and you can interpret that however you want to."
Over in the Hot Seat, Inuyasha smirks at Kagura's words.
"Let me ask you something." the wind-youkai continues then, still addressing the wolf. "Why do you constantly leave 'your woman' in the company of two other men, one of whom is a lecher while the other has an undeniable attraction to someone who looks just like her? Are you out of your underdeveloped mind? You see Kagome for like what, ten minutes every month? I don't buy that 'one woman' bull for a minute. Just who are you fucking on the side? I guess we all know it isn't Ayame. What about Ginta and Hakkaku? Just how 'deep'does their loyalty to you really run? Maybe there's a legitimate reason why they run so much slower than you do. Can't really chalk that one up to the jewel shards any more, can you?"
Shrugging to indicate she truly couldn't care less one way or the other, Kagura locks eyes with the 21st century miko for a moment, tsk'ing in sympathy before addressing the wolf once more.
"Kouga, darling, I know they say love is blind, but your love requires lasik surgery. It's time to face the facts; she's just not that into you, or more accurately in this case, she's into someone else. You're just lucky that 'someone' isn't 'into'her…or at least not yet. Not that I suppose you can truly take all of the blame for misreading Kagome's intentions. Even with suspending disbelief that you actually know how to read, Miroku was right when he called that little miko a tease. We can hardly give you the 'no means no' speech when she's never once uttered such a word in your direction. But to be perfectly honest, I think Kagome just uses you to make Inuyasha jealous. Unfortunately for her, while the hanyou still has his head up his ass, your presence is never going to make him pull out the sword I think we all know Kagome really wants to see him put into action.
"And one thing I feel I just have to correct you on, while we're on the subject, is your dismissal of Tetsusaiga as 'overcompensation'. I'll let a lot of your jokes slide, but comparing the late Inu no Taisho's fang to a penile enhancer? That's not only insulting to Inuyasha, but to the whole Inu no Taisho bloodline. Earlier in your own routine, you yourself even stated how you knew to run away whenever Inuyasha drew Tetsusaiga, sensing the true power of the sword. I guess from your logic it falls under the same category as a flashy car, which is unquestionably powerful but at the same time is really only for show. However, I can assure you that the power of Tetsusaiga is not only for show. You dare to give Sesshoumaru lectures about respecting Inuyasha's strength when you've never once felt the power of Tetsusaiga for yourself? Of course, we all know why you've never found yourself on the receiving end of Inuyasha's sword - yaoi fans get your minds out of the gutter. It's because you'd never survive, that's why! Believe me, I know how powerful that sword really is. You're wise to run away when he whips it out.
"When it comes to sheer, gargantuan size, however, Tetsusaiga isn't the largest sword I've ever seen. Bankotsu's halberd, now there is compensation if ever there was any. What was that sword's name again? Banryuu? Barbarian Dragon? That's a nice, powerful name. Although…in a contest of quality over quantity, it is true that Banryuu only became equal to Tetsusaiga in strength with the added power of the jewel shards. So what does that teach us? Simple. It isn't the size that counts, but how you use it."
The audience laughs while Inuyasha crosses his arms smugly, his expression clearly articulating how he has no problem demonstrating Tetsusaiga anytime, anywhere. Glancing over to the person sitting in the left-most spot on the couch, from the audience's perspective, the wind-youkai grins, shifting her focus.
"Now, if you want somebody who's got a flashy sword and knows exactly how to useit, we really must give credit where credit is do. You can tell a lot about a man by what type of sword he carries, though not in the way Kouga implied.
"Jakotsu, while I've never seen that serpent sword of yours in action, I hear it's downright legendary. But please, feel free to keep both of your swords tucked away. I'll take your word for it on just how magnificent Jakotsuto truly is. And what a creative name, by the way. 'Snake bone sword' sounds cool until we take into consideration that your name means 'snake bone', an alias if ever I've heard one, or did your Mommy really name you that? But either way, that means your sword is basically just named 'Jakotsu's sword', and I don't think I want to know what you named your 'other' sword. Jakotsuchinpo?
"Why are you so openly slutty, anyway? You disgust me. I have nothing against you being gay; I don't really have a problem if two men want to hop into bed together, but have you no shame? The way you behave is filthy and nauseating, and totally unbecoming of a gentleman…or lady…or whatever the hell you think you are. I have my faults, but at least I know how to dress and hold myself like a proper woman. Of course, we're getting off track here. Kouga's disorganization must be contagious. We were talking about swords, were we not? Well, if we are really going to have a discussion about whose sword is the most fabulous, then we mustn't forget about the mighty Lord Sesshoumaru, and I'm not talking about Tokijin or Bakusaiga. Sneer in disgust at Tenseiga all you want, Sesshy, but I think a sword that can revive the dead is pretty damn impressive. It also probably could have come in handy back on Mt. Hakurei. I mean, think about it… The Band of Seven were so hard to take out because they were already dead, right? So maybe if you'd waved that magic wand of yours to make them alive again, then they could've been eliminated a whole lot easier.
"Seems logical to me, although I suppose it was probably one of those 'you had to be there' kind of moments, and I wasn't there, so then I wouldn't really know. Maybe with the Shikon shards interfering Tenseiga wouldn't have worked. All I know for sure is that while I was complaining at first about being stuck inside that mountain thanks to the stupid barrier, I now realize that it was a blessing in disguise. I can't really say I'm all that disappointed for having missed my chance to see the Band of Seven up close and personal. While it's true I have the ability to manipulate dead, soulless bodies, I've really got no love for walking corpses. Especially walking corpses arrogantly still in possession of their own souls, who simply refuse to accept when it's their time to die.
"And speaking of…"
Pausing a moment to send a purposefully glance in Kikyou's direction, the kaze-youkai visibly shudders before focusing her attention back on the microphone and audience before her.
"Under normal circumstances I would have absolutely nothing to say to or about the undead miko, but this is a special occasion, after all." Smirking, she leans further into the microphone and adds suggestively, "And unlike the wolf, I will not be doing Kikyou and Kagome at the same time."
Over on the dais Kouga looks sick at the wind-youkai's implication, while in the Hot Seat Inuyasha has a far-away look in his eyes that does not go unnoticed by either miko, though Kagura chooses to let it go unmentioned, momentarily turning her attention back to Kouga.
"Oh don't look so green, like that's the most disturbing thing that's been said this evening so far. Did you honestly suggest that I possess Kikyou and use her to have sex with Inuyasha? Because if so…eeewwww! Not only is that incredibly disgusting, but if I could possess Kikyou, the first thing I'd do is march her straight off a cliff. That woman gives me the creeps! You'd think I would be used to it by now living with a master like Naraku, but Kikyou still manages to creep me out. I may have been artificially brought into this world, but at least I'm still alive. I'm real, made of flesh and blood. Even the Band of Seven aren't your typical zombies. Kikyou isn't even a real corpse. She is literally a ningyou, a doll, a golem made of mud and possessed by the soul of a dead person. Why is nobody else bothered by this?"
Turning once again in the undead miko's direction, Kagura locks her crimson orbs on Kikyou's bored, uncaring gaze.
"You know, on second thought, I take back what I said about not doing you and your reincarnation at the same time. When I think about it, you two are sort of one in the same, in a way, although I agree with Kouga's assessment that the kami did better the second time around. But there really isn't anything I can say to you that doesn't involve Kagome in one sense or another. I suppose I could ask you why you'd once appeared to be aiding Naraku, but I think we already know the answer to that question.
"You attempted to manipulate the manipulator, and being as inexperienced in the black art of mind-fuckery as you are, you blew it. You thought that by giving him the shards of the jewel you could take him out that much faster, because you wanted the jewel completed so that you could purify both it and him at the same time. What you hadn't taken into consideration was just how strong he would become with said jewel shards, and how many hundreds, probably even thousands of people he would kill as a result of everything he did over the months and months of possessing most of the jewel. Um, oops? I would ask how can you live with yourself, but that'd be a pretty stupid question, now wouldn't it? But back to my little Ménage à trois. This is for you, Kouga, since I sort of owe you one.
"So…why do you hate Kagome, Kikyou? I don't understand it. You shouldn't think of her as an imposter sent back five hundred years to steal Inuyasha away. She's merely an upgrade over you, kind of like a Ferrari is an upgrade over a tired old horse. She's cuter, faster, and doesn't smell like manure. Plus she takes two men comfortably. Three is a tight squeeze, but you can't even take one rider anymore. Your body might crumble into dust if someone tried to mount you."
Over on the dais, Kikyou narrows her eyes marginally while Kouga openly laughs despite the dig slipped in about 'his' woman being loose, and smiling to herself, the wind-youkai shifts her focus to the loose 'upgrade' in question, tsk'ing in Kagome's direction once more before turning back to the microphone.
"I don't really understand you either, Kagome. I mean, Kikyou is not real, and she's functioning with a piece of your soul, so why not just kill her already and reclaim what is rightfully yours? Both your soul, and the hanyou. Of course, if you did that I'm sure Inuyasha would be pretty upset, and that's the real reason you hold back, isn't it? You just don't want to hurt him after all the crap he's already had to deal with. That I can understand, though I simply cannot fathom why Inuyasha is attracted to Kikyou in the first place. She's dead, and wanting to do that with her is just plain gross. I think we may need to hold an intervention for him after all, and get him enrolled in NA – Necrophiliacs Anonymous. But all kidding aside, even if there's nothing sexual going on between him and Kikyou – kami I sure hope there isn't – then the question still remains as to why he's so drawn to her otherwise. Because he's indebted to her? Because she died for him?
"Didn't you die when Urasue ripped your soul out? One could just as easily argue that you yourself died for Inuyasha that day; you died to bring Kikyou back, but then just like Kikyou herself you were given a second chance at life when you reclaimed enough of your soul to keep on going. I'd say if anything, that should make Inuyasha indebted to you, since you gave up so much of yourself for his sake. And it isn't even just the fact that you died for a moment during that spell, but every moment since then, you've had to live with the heartache of knowing his heart truly belongs to Kikyou. Anyone can die for somebody else, but it takes real strength to live for somebody, and that's what you do each and every day. It's a shame it goes so unappreciated.
"No wonder you're a tease when it comes to other guys, as attention starved as you must be. Not that you really crave the attention of other guys, per se, but receiving attention from other guys is the only thing that gets Inuyasha to pay any attention to you. No wonder you haven't told Kouga to shove off, or that oblivious doofus from your school. Wait, are we counting the Hojo from your time and the Hojo from my time as the same person? Your Hojo isn't even a reincarnation; he's just a descendent, so if you want to insist that you and Kikyou are two different people, then the two Hojo boys should definitely be counted separately. So then that means you've actually got four men interested in you altogether, three of whom openly declare it on a regular basis. That's definitely a tight squeeze. I'm impressed; I didn't realize you were so good at juggling, but if you can keep that many balls in the air and still keep your wits about you, you deserve an award. What kind of trophy do they hand out to skanks, anyway? Though, considering you're from modern-day Japan, I suppose the most obvious and readily available would be a golden dildo of some sort. I'm sure you can find plenty of penis statues to choose from during the Kanamara Matsuri fertility festival.
"Let's face it, there is simply no way you are going to be able to convince anyone that you are truly as naïve and innocent as you portray yourself to be. Not when you grew up in a culture that throws annual penis parades and has uncensored porn as part of the regular TV packages. The only reason they don't get nastier in their anime is because they know the Americans will be picking it up, and say, for example, if they'd shown your perky little nipples getting out of that cold water, that would've been too much. They would've had to blur it. You didn't mind posing topless for the manga, though, did you? Inuyasha didn't mind looking, either. Trying to steal the jewel shards my ass. Maybe that'd been his original intention, but it sure looked to me like you had him thoroughly distracted. He might deny his attraction to you until the cows come home, and then deny the presence of the cows, but we all know you've got him eating out of the palm of your hand. All four of your male admirers are absolutely smitten with you, you little minx. They're crawling on their hands and knees behind you, looking up your exceedingly short skirt the whole time, and you're loving every minute of it.
"And just what is up with that outfit, while we're on the subject? I'm a servant of the tentacle-master and I dress better than you. Little tip, if you want guys to think you're all sweet and innocent and respect your virtue, try dressing the part. I mean, ever hear the expression 'easy access'? I get that it's your school uniform, but that actually makes it even weirder that you would wear it in the past. Don't those things cost money? How many new uniforms have you had to buy because they got demon blood on them? And even if that isn't an issue, what normal teenager in her right mind ever wants to be caught wearing her school uniform outside of school grounds? I would think you'd want to strip that thing off the second you get home. Do you like standing out like a sore thumb? Dressed like that, it's amazing more people in my time haven't accused you of being a prostitute, or a youkai. I know the latter has happened at least once, and you acted so shocked, too. If it truly was unexpected on your part, then that would've been the cue to change your wardrobe right there, but did you take heed? Nope. Why am I not surprised? Oh wait, I know, it's because you're a tease, just like Miroku said.
"And it gets even worse in the Fandom! You've had relationships with everyone from Inuyasha and Miroku - sometimes at the same time - to Sango, to my Sesshoumaru, to Hojo, to Bankotsu of all people, to guys who aren't even in the 'Inuyasha' story!"
Sending Kagome a glare as if it's the miko's own fault what fanfiction writers decide to do with her character, Kagura next takes a moment to send a quick glance Sesshoumaru's way before focusing her attention back out over the audience.
"And why is it that Kagome gets put with Sesshoumaru more often than I do? Kikyou and Kouga would make a better couple, for crying out loud! I mean here I am, the only one from both the anime and manga to openly express any kind of genuine interest in the daiyoukai, and I get put with him about as often as Inuyasha is shown eating something other than ramen. Both instances are much more likely to occur in an AU setting. But Kagome is the leading partner for Sesshoumaru in Canon and AU settings alike! And the next one most likely to get paired with him? Rin. Rin! Are you freakin' kidding me?"
Sighing, Kagura takes a moment to calm her frazzled nerves before asking in an almost dejected tone, "What's that child got that I haven't got?"
Glancing back toward the dais, she adds, "True, Rin will grow up one day, but I'm already all-woman, right here, right now. And I know you can attest to that, Sesshoumaru, since Kagome's not the only one to suffer the occasional wardrobe malfunction."
From his position on the center barstool, Sesshoumaru gives no outward sign of being affected by her words, though if someone knew him well enough, they would recognize the slightly unfocused look behind his eyes as indicating he is presently lost in remembrance. The miniscule crinkling to his nose that appears moments later reveals his thoughts on the matter, but not knowing the daiyoukai anywhere near as well as she likes to believe she does, Kagura continues on in her comparisons.
"Rin is young and naïve, and without a mother she won't be taught the things young girls need to know when it comes to the ways of pleasuring a man. I don't need any lessons in that department, Sesshoumaru. I was born knowing what to do, and how to do it, and if given the opportunity, I would gladly prove it to you."
Sesshoumaru's eyes dart her way, widening the tiniest percent, as Kagura licks her lips sensually while unabashedly looking him up and down. It is a bold display for the kaze-youkai, but tonight is a night of boldness.
"You have everything a girl could want: looks, brains, raw…sheer power, not to mention the undisputed loyalty of those serving under you. The behavior of one's servants says a lot about the character of the master. People can call you the Ice Prince all they want, but you must be doing something right for Jaken and Rin to both be so blindly obedient to your every whim. They would follow you to the ends of the Earth, whether you asked them to or not. That's true devotion right there. As a former minion myself, I can appreciate that. Though I also followed my master's orders, I did so begrudgingly, and because I literally had no choice. I've never referred to Naraku with '-sama' in my life. He doesn't have my respect, quite the opposite, in fact.
"Naraku gave me no reason whatsoever to be loyal to him. What was the reward for faithful service? Not dying a horrible death. Inspiring, simply inspiring. What was the price of my continued servitude? Months locked away in solitude, spent contemplating my miserable existence and waiting for the brief moments of action that made my life remotely bearable. For it was in those moments, those battles, those near-death experiences that I tasted freedom. I longed to be able to drink from that sweet cup every day, not just when it suited the whim of another. And if Naraku were a better villain, he would have used that to his advantage.
"If Naraku had promised me freedom once he completed the Shikon no Tama, all of you would be dead right now. I would not have hesitated for a moment to slice off Kagome's head or split Inuyasha down the middle. But there was no reason for me to fight with all my strength if only my continued existence as a slave was at stake. Even in the beginning, I knew deep down that Naraku would never willingly set me free. He was and is too much of a sadistic bastard. It is still difficult for me to fathom how he enjoyed my quiet suffering so, my rebellions quickly quelled by terror effectively wielded. And I wasn't the only one victimized by his perversion. Yes, as has been established, I carried out the slaughter of Kouga's tribe, but I would never have come up with such an underhanded and despicable plan on my own. If I'd wanted something from the wolf tribe, I would have taken it, killing whoever resisted. Those lucky enough to survive would have been left alone. I certainly would not have imagined the contemptible idea of reanimating the corpses and using them to pit two of my enemies against each other.
"There is something truly pathetic about a man who constantly sits in the shadows moving his enemies like pawns, never having the courage to go out and fight them. You think your self-described brilliance makes up for your cowardice, Naraku, but it does not. If you want something done right, you need to do it yourself. Especially if that something is slaying an enemy... People can say what they want about me, but no one can reasonably call me a coward. I fight for what I want, and I only flee when there's nothing to fight for. Most of the time, that nothing was you, Naraku. You are nothing. Nothing but a pitiful wretch toying with people and ruining their lives because that's the only way you can feel good about yourself. You disgust me, and I will be forever grateful that I am no longer connected to you in any way.
"And I know I'm not the only one; I'm sure Kohaku feels the same way. At least he was lucky enough to have such a devoted sibling. Sango, of all the people on the show, I probably respect you the most. We're similar, you and I. Stuck in a male-dominated world, neither of us takes shit from anybody. So I won't demean myself by criticizing your actions early in the series. Although…" Kagura says, letting her voice trail of as she shifts her gaze to the monk sitting quietly off to the side.
"I feel I must comment on your choice of husband. I mean really, girl? Seriously? This was the best you could do?" she asks incredulously, stabbing an accusing finger toward Miroku. "What about that prince guy, what was his name? Kuranosuke? You know, the guy who openly declared his undying love for you and asked you to be his wife? He would've been a much safer option, don't you think? And he was cute! Miroku has a certain roguish charm, but he's not nearly as hot as he thinks he is. Regal, sophisticated men are sexy, and I think Miroku just pretends to be cultured so he can hide the fact that he's a depraved pervert. Oh well, to each his own, as the saying goes…
"And speaking of bad taste in men, look at the loser Kagome chose. Now if only he could come to terms with reality and choose her in return. But you know, now that I think about it, I don't really have a whole lot to say about Inuyasha. Aside from his romantic deficiencies, there's really not all that much wrong with him. True, he's not the brightest guy around, and he's attracted to a dead person, and most of his power comes from that sword of his, but as a hanyou, he's a hell of a lot better than Naraku. And since he's survived several battles with me, he must be pretty tough. If he's getting roasted here tonight, then some of the other people on this stage deserve to be thrown into a fire and burnt to a crisp. Thank you."
Applause sounds out loudly, accompanied by a few hoots and whistles, as the kaze-youkai heads back to her seat. Passing Miroku along the way as he heads up to the podium, the monk flashes her a quick smile and wink. Reaching the microphone, he leans forward slightly before glancing back Kagura's way over his shoulder.
"Kuranosuke would've been a better choice for Sango, you say? On the surface, that's an easy argument to make. I will even admit that, at one point in time, I would have willfully, albeit regretfully, given up my chance of being with the lovely Sango, myself, if Kuranosuke had turned out to be whom she wanted. But, as my luck would have it, Sango did not choose that path. I think it would behoove you in the future to restrain from criticizing your fellow women in regard to who they favor, especially considering just who your love interest is. How can a 'regal and sophisticated' man be desirable if he has the personality of a sweaty fundoshi? Now, moving on, there are a few things I could say about this next roaster, but I believe in this instance discretion is the better part of valor, so I'm just going to quickly introduce her and that's that. She looks very bored and probably wants to get this roast over with, though I can't imagine what else she has to do tonight. Please welcome, Kikyou."
A polite amount of applause sounds out as the spotlight swings over to the undead priestess' position on the couch. Sitting properly with her legs crossed demurely at the ankle, Kikyou is dressed in a pair of red, flowing modern-day dress slacks accentuated by a black leather belt around the waist. A conservative, white button-up long-sleeve blouse worn tucked in completes her 21st century version of traditional miko garb, with a hint of femininity being present in the form of short, office appropriate heels in shiny black, matching her belt. Before the miko even has time to react to the sound of her name being called, or the spotlight illuminating her position, a somewhat distorted rhythm of what is most likely synthesized cymbals comes crashing over the sound system, followed quickly by a male voice asking an instantly recognizable question that has the audience exploding in a combination of laughter and excitement.
Who is this irresistible creature who has an insatiable love for the dead?
(I loved her)
Immediately the music blares to life, over half of the audience dancing in their seats as they rock out to the Rob Zombie classic. Over on the dais, Kikyou frowns. When she had opted to leave blank on her sign-up form what song she desired to have play during her introduction, she had assumed the producers would choose something generic and instrumental. She should have realized that the producers of a network that would air such a calamity had an equally catastrophic sense of humor, themselves.
What are you thinking about?
What are you thinking about?
Acrimoniously rising from her seat, Kikyou takes her first step just as the main lyrics begin.
Oh, rage in the cage,
And piss upon the stage.
There's only one sure way
To bring the giant down.
Defunct the strings,
Of cemetery things,
With one flat foot
On the Devil's wings.
With a posture that clearly states 'I am so above this,' Kikyou confidently makes her way to the podium, but not before the chorus has time to play through.
Crawl on me,
Sink into me,
Die for me,
Living dead girl.
Crawl on me,
Sink into me,
Die for me,
Living dead girl.
As the music fades off, Kikyou stands silently at the podium, waiting patiently for the audience to get it out of their system. If she were to turn back towards the dais in this moment, she would also notice the amusement of many of her fellow roasters, but deliberately choosing to keep her eyes forward, she focuses steadily on the red light of the camera before her, knowing her image is portrayed on the large monitor screen behind her. It doesn't take too long for her chilling visage to extinguish the humorous atmosphere in the room; she is neither breathing nor blinking, providing a sobering reminder of the miko's undead status.
"Now," she begins after a moment, her voice carrying all the authority of a no-nonsense professor disciplining her students. "As the expression from this time period goes, I suggest we 'get this show on the road.' Of course, if you people would abnegate finding amusement in such asinine buffoonery, then perhaps it would discourage the continuation of this purportless charade. I have only agreed to participate because my duty as a miko demands I do whatever is in my power to assist those less fortunate than myself, and the executives for this monstrosity have assured us that by going along with their debauchery, charitable donations will be made to many of the villages inflicted with hardship as a direct result of the sacred jewel. I shall also be donating my personal financial compensation to the Shikon relief efforts. Keep that in mind while you are so quick to misjudge and denigrate my character."
From the audience comes silence, augmented by the occasional cough. With her facial expression remaining neutral Kikyou scans her gaze over the crowd before turning her head to glance back in the direction of the dais. Slowly, the slightest of smirks appears on her lips.
"Of course, if there is one among us who is truly deserving of your criticism, it would be the so-called houshi to my right." Shifting her speech to address Miroku directly instead of the audience, she continues. "You are the most vile, loathsome excuse for a monk I have ever seen, and I hope you rot in Hell, just so long as it is on the opposite side from where Inuyasha and I will be residing."
The audience boos, though Kikyou is clearly indifferent to their reaction as she continues speaking directly to Miroku.
"I am aware that monks do not share the same vow of chastity that some priestesses do…"
Shifting her gaze towards her reincarnation for a moment, Kikyou's expression is again neutral as she then returns her focus to the monk.
"But neither are they supposed to be shameless whores. Although, perhaps even worse than your loose morals when it comes to women of equally loose clothing, honorable men and women of the cloth do not take money for their services. Our duty is to protect and heal the innocent, not to swindle unsuspecting individuals out of their belongings. The only thing that comforts me in any way is the fact that you had only until recently been consistently unsuccessful in your attempts to sire an heir. Only the kami know what horrors have been averted by not introducing your DNA into the gene pool of every town you've ever happened across in your journeys. It is highly unfortunate that you have since found a woman actually willing to accommodate, though at least the damage to society as a whole should remain fairly localized with the next generation of lechers limited to only what one single woman can produce."
Shifting her focus to glance in Sango's direction, Kikyou's expression is technically void of emotion, yet somehow comes across as seeming almost pitying in nature. Mentally tsk'ing, the miko again faces forward, though her words are directed towards the slayer.
"I believe I have found a query paramount to the legendary riddle of the Sphinx, that being why one such as yourself would be drawn to a man like Miroku. You must be far less discerning than your warrior heritage would have led me to believe. Even with your home village destroyed, you could have stopped at any village in Japan and found at least ten men more deserving of your affection than the lecherous houshi. Do you honestly believe that he will remain faithful to you? That is an unparalleled level of foolishness. I believe Kagura said it best when stated that the young lord Kuranosuke would have been a better choice for a husband. At least he is a true gentleman, as opposed to a hopeless womanizer who will never change his ways.
"Though that would be the only way in which the wind sorceress and myself see eye to eye. It was quite obvious from her routine that she wishes to have nothing in common with myself whatsoever, so hopefully this miniscule level of common ground between us has added to the level of her discomfort in my presence. While I could take the time necessary to formulate individual rebuttals for every singular statement she made against my character, I find it satisfying enough to know that my very presence has so thoroughly destabilized her sense of security. To cause such mental distress, and without even trying, simply put: I must be better than I thought. I suppose I could point out the fact that, borrowed or no, I myself am at least still in possession of a mortal soul, while she is not, but that is something I will allow her to contemplate on her own during the eternity in which she will spend unable to be reincarnated. As for my fellow 'walking corpses,' I have nothing directly to say to the Shichinin-tai member present on stage. Jakotsu will pay for his sins in time. And before you jump to conclusions, I am referring merely to his murderous dynamism. Well, I suppose that means Kagura and I have two things in common, when it comes to our mutual opinions regarding other individuals, considering I thoroughly agree with everything she said regarding the flamboyant mercenary. I do hope she can 'live' with herself, knowing that she and I think alike in so many ways.
"As for the wind-youkai's pathetic excuse of a master, I don't really have anything to say to Naraku, either. Though I can assure you, if I had known what Onigumo would aspire to become, I would have heeded my sister's warnings. While it is true that as a miko, it was my duty to treat and care for his mortal injuries, the good of the many must outweigh the good of the individual. Such was the decision behind my own sacrifice in becoming the Shikon miko, thus depriving me of the opportunity to live a normal life. If I had foreseen the future, Naraku would have been slain before his birth, and it is my solemn duty to rectify that singular mistake. A task which would have proven much easier had my underdeveloped reincarnation not proceeded to execute a mistake even grander than my own in shattering the sacred jewel."
Over on the couch, Kagome's back stiffens while Sango places a supporting hand on her friend's shoulder. Appreciative of the gesture and unafraid to face her enemy, the future-born miko meets her preincarnation's gaze head on.
"You may be my reincarnation, but you did not inherit my sense of propriety. I fail to see how the kami could have possibly believed that you would suffice as my replacement. You are my copy, yes, but one of very poor quality. Perhaps there were additional incarnations between you and I, so that you are in fact a copy of a copy of a copy; that would explain the high level of degradation present in your being. At times, I struggle to see the resemblance between us. True, our facial features remain somewhat comparable, but that is where our similarities abruptly end. You have no sense of decorum, peregrinating the countryside in that grotesquely inappropriate excuse for a uniform. That is not the attire of a proper miko, nor do you carry yourself with the level of virtue a true miko must display in all things. While I will not fault your initial inexperience with the bow, as you can hardly be held accountable for failing to prepare for a calling you had not yet been aware of, if you are going to embrace the destiny the kami have apparently decided to bequeath upon you, then do so with dignity. Accept the sacrifices necessary to become a miko, as I did. And if you are not yet ready for such a drastic change in lifestyle, which has become abundantly apparent, then you should immediately cease and desist from any and all participation in that regard. Go back through the well, where you belong. Worry about your schoolwork as the child you truly are."
Over on the dais, Kagome is outwardly unaffected by Kikyou's harsh words, though no one can miss the way she quickly darts her eyes over in Inuyasha's direction. For once, the hanyou displays his ability to be sensitive to Kagome's feelings, sending her a quick look in return that assures her he disagrees with Kikyou's sentiments.
Irritated by the brief moment of silent communication, the undead miko decides to take things up a notch.
"Of course, it is not only your manner of dress and low stature as a spiritual protector that makes you so pathetic. Openly pining after Inuyasha when he has already pledged himself to me is by far the most pitiable thing that you have ever done. Although, if I am to be completely honest, which my position as a true miko requires, then I will admit that I do understand your attraction to him. Once, fifty years ago, I fell into an opportunity to feel that hard, strong body for myself. But unlike you, I did not allow my attraction to warp my better judgment. No matter how beautiful his body may be, it is still that of a hanyou, and therefore unclean. It is far too impure for any virtuous woman to consider lying with. Had Inuyasha become human, I would have thoroughly enjoyed sampling his body to my heart's content, but until that time, I restrained myself. I have self-control, something else which you apparently lack.
"We have all borne witness to your inability to restrain yourself in his presence, the way you're constantly touching him, or allowing him to touch you. I do not speak of the times in battle when it is necessary for him to pull you from the dangers your disgustingly weak powers had either been unable to properly warn you about or protect you from, but that is the only time that physical contact between the two of you should be permitted. There is no legitimate excuse for riding upon his back in most cases. If you are not immediately in pursuit of a foe, such closeness is not required as a necessity to extinguish evil, and is therefore immoral.
"And then there is the way you have willfully held his hand, touched his ears, or leaned yourself upon him while sitting far too closely side by side. A proper miko, or any virtuous unmarried woman, for that matter, must always maintain a respectable physical distance between herself and her male comrades. The fact that he is hanyou makes your offenses even more serious, though his demon blood is not truly the issue when it comes to your impropriety. Even if Inuyasha were human, if you were to maintain the role of a miko, then physical contact along such intimate lines would remain taboo, regardless of his purity. If he and I had used the jewel to turn him human, as had been our original wish, then I would have had no need to remain a miko, and would have therefore been free to act upon my feminine desires as his honored wife.
"Still, it is a waste of time and effort for me to attempt to give you any advice about when and how you might possibly find yourself able to become involved with Inuyasha, considering that his life belongs to me and he is not free to become yours, hanyou or no, miko or no. Inuyasha is mine, and so the only advice I can truly give you is to accept defeat with honor. It would be the only thing you have done honorably to date, if you were capable. But perhaps if you demonstrated that you were in fact able to back down and concede defeat in this matter, then you just might earn a small percentage of respect from myself. It would be a genuine act of sacrifice to give up the pursuit of your own happiness, regardless of how futile said pursuit has actually been. I would tell you that you should reconsider Kouga's offer, since the wolf-youkai clearly has feelings for you, but I would never wish such a fate upon my own soul. Despite my hatred for you, a small portion of myself is inarguably within you, and I want absolutely nothing to do with the ookami. I find it a tremendous relief to know that this feeling is mutual between us."
Shifting gears, Kikyou ceases addressing her reincarnation, adjusting her gaze to the person sitting behind Kagome on the dais.
"Kouga, I find it ironic that someone of such noticeably small words can still manage to talk so big. If your wit were half as sharp as your tongue, then perhaps you would realize that no incarnation of my soul could ever find your foul demeanor attractive. The pungency of your breath certainly doesn't help matters any, although no amount of Listerine could make what you have to say any less nauseating to endure. Even your style of humor leaves much to be desired. However, I feel as though I am merely wasting energy in proceeding to criticize your feeble attempts at discrediting my person, so perhaps I should endeavor to speak in a manner that you would better understand. Therefore, I have compiled a brief list of my own. As someone who regularly thinks with his fists, or phallus, depending on the situation, please try to keep up."
The audience laughs openly while Kikyou gathers her notes before her, many of the people in the room surprised to hear such a crude comment fall from the undead miko's lips. There may be hope for her yet.
"If you thought with your brain instead of other bodily parts," Kikyou begins sarcastically, "then perhaps you would realize the true idiocy of insulting beings with noticeably more power than yourself.
"If you thought with your brain instead of other bodily parts, then perhaps you would realize that my reincarnation has no desire to be in a romantic relationship with you. Allow me to repeat myself, slowly. Kagome…isn't…interested.
"If you thought with your brain instead of other bodily parts, then perhaps you would appreciate the fact that there is a woman out there who miraculously does want you, as shocking as that notion may seem, and you would settle down with her to rebuild your lost tribe while leaving the Naraku-killing to the professionals."
Sending the ookami a bored look, Kikyou continues, her personality loosening up the tiniest bit as she gets into the true spirit of the roast.
"I mean, let's face it. Has any fanfiction writer ever had you finishing Naraku off? Ever? You have a better chance of actually getting with Kagome than you do of slaying Naraku, and that's saying something. I would find it more believable that Myouga remain bravely present during the final battle than you actually putting forth any sort of measurable contribution.
"No, we all know who will play the greatest role in defeating Naraku. Unlike you, he is someone who actually uses his brain on occasion to improve upon himself and to protect those he cares about. In the few instances where I have actually required his aid, he has never let me down…well, except for that one time, but I am willing to overlook it. He is truly not as imbecilic as you would have us all believe. Fifty years ago he made the best possible decision he could have made, to become human so that we could be together.
"Oh yes, Inuyasha, if not for Naraku's interference, we would have been very happy indeed. In becoming a human, you would have purged yourself of your youkai taint while simultaneously removing the jewel from our lives. We would have been a normal human couple, our lives filled with children, friends, and happiness.
"I realize now that this dream is impossible. I am dead, and can never have children or live a normal life. And as a human, you would have no hope of ever defeating Naraku. Your youkai strength is a necessity for your mission, and for someone of unclean youkai blood, you are truly not an evil man. Despite being cursed with youkai blood, you have a kind, human heart. It is for that reason that I wish for you to come with me to Hell, so that we may spend all of eternity together. Remember, your soul belongs to me, Inuyasha. I will be waiting. "
Stepping away from the podium to a mixture of polite applause accompanied by booing and murmurs of disagreement, Kikyou strolls back over to her position on the dais as confidently as she had crossed the stage the first time. As Miroku reclaims the podium, he is noticeably still stunned from Kikyou's merciless verbal assault on his person. And he had been nice to her, too!
"Well, Kikyou, I think we're all glad you decided to keep that brief. You are aware this is a comedy show, correct?" The audience laughs, but Kikyou snorts derisively, not caring in the slightest whether or not she entertained anyone.
"If I do wind up in Hell," Miroku continues, "at least it won't be for being so prejudiced that I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. You criticized Kouga because most fanfiction writers never put him with Kagome, but how many writers have ever put you with Inuyasha? More often than not, when that does happen, it's merely an excuse to pair Kagome with Sesshoumaru, and you and Inuyasha are depicted in a less than favorable manner." Again, Kikyou doesn't care. To her mind, fanfiction writers are a bunch of semi-literate losers who wouldn't know a good storyline from a hole in the ground.
"But as delusional as she is, Kikyou is not truly the villain here." Miroku says next, addressing the audience instead of the miko directly. "Oh, no; I fail to contemplate how Rumiko Takahashi could have made our next roaster more evil. He is perhaps the most detested character in all of Fandom. For my part, I have no need to elaborate on why he is so reviled, as I'm sure his words will make that abundantly clear. Please welcome to the podium, Naraku."
The loudspeakers immediately pump out a single, scratchy guitar note, soon followed by three more in rapid succession. The last one holds for a second or two, giving way to the quick, repetitive guitar rhythm that highlights one of Metallica's iconic songs. The drums join in, and after some more emphatic beats and a brief guitar solo, the music settles into a more conventional rhythm, the guitar still active and driving. Finally, just as the lyrics begin, Naraku rises from his barstool.
End of passion play,
I'm your source of self-destruction.
Veins that pump with fear,
Sucking darkest clear,
Leading on your death's construction.
Taste me you will see,
More is all you need,
Dedicated to how I'm killing you.
The music abruptly cuts to half speed, the beat now heavy, though the guitar maintains its rapid rhythm. Naraku arrives at the podium and gazes confidently out over the crowd. He is dressed in a black, no nonsense suit, as if going for a 'Bond Villain' look, though it appears more 'Men's Warehouse' than anything else. The audience's reception is lukewarm at best. Loud boos can be heard, though the majority claps tentatively, hoping that the villain will at least provide some laughs. Naraku seems unaffected by the less-than-enthusiastic response, continuing to wear that typical malicious smirk of his as the loudspeakers pump out James Hetfield's dark, soulful voice.
Come crawling faster.
Obey your master.
Your life burns faster.
Obey your master. Master!
A collective groan goes out over the crowd as the music does not come to a halt, but instead launches into the next part of the song. Naraku has made his point, but has overdone it as usual.
Master of puppets I'm pulling your strings,
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams.
Blinded by me you can't see a thing,
Just call my name 'cause I'll hear you scream.
Just call my name 'cause I'll hear you scream.
"Greetings, puppets." Naraku says after the music finally stops, in a tone meant to send shivers running down hundreds of spines. The audience is not quite that impressed, groaning as the boo-birds make their voices heard again. Naraku looks perplexed for a moment but brushes it off.
"Perhaps I shouldn't have expected the masses of powerless mortals to accept my rule so easily. After all, slaves can be quite troublesome," he growls, casting a glance back at Kagura, who seethes silently. But her head is held high; she is proud that she proved such a thorn in her master's side.
"And so can priestesses. Kikyou, why don't you just go die already? Oh, wait…you already did!" Naraku pauses, ostensibly waiting for laughter, but hears only a few muffled coughs. "And I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that Comedy Central slated you to go before me. You always get to 'go' first." Again a pause, but this time the crowd is more vocal in their displeasure. They are starting to get restless, perhaps sensing a train wreck on the horizon.
"What the fuck do you people know?" Naraku yells, his aloof façade cracking. He regains his composure, but only with some effort. "I think you're all just jealous. Look at everything I have accomplished. I have caused the deaths of thousands. I killed Kikyou not once, not twice, but three times. I turned Kikyou and Inuyasha against each other and ground their budding love into the dust under my feet. And who do you think it was who actually collected most of the shards of the Shikon no Tama? That's right; it was me! And to top it all off, I put a very creative, unique curse on Miroku's family while simultaneously giving him the worst excuse in history for groping someone. 'It's the cursed hand, I tell you!'" Naraku imitates contemptuously, holding up his right arm and shaking it for good measure. "Bullshit. I may be 'evil' by society's standards, but at least I'm not a sleazy pervert. I've never touched a woman inappropriately, though I've had countless opportunities to do so. I could have gotten half of Musashi forcibly pregnant by now, but unlike you, I have some restraint.
"Of course, that doesn't mean I don't enjoy making people suffer. Ah, I remember your grandfather, Miroku. He was a widely respected and powerful monk, but so, so easy to trick. All I had to do was transform into a beautiful woman and he was putty in my hands."
Lost in the memory, Naraku begins rubbing his hands together with a blissful smile on his face, that is until he senses his fellow roasters laughing at him, and realizes exactly what he's doing.
"Not literally, you perverts!"
Naraku receives his loudest applause of the night, but distinctly feels that they are laughing at him, not with him.
"Though I shouldn't have expected any less," he spits. "This show is full of perverts. Inuyasha wants to fuck a dead person, Sesshoumaru wants to fuck a child, and Kouga must secretly fuck his wolves since he's obviously not getting any from Kagome. And your hopeless, one-sided 'relationship' with Kagome is not the only one you seem to have misapprehended, Kouga. Earlier I believe you insinuated that I, what was it? Oh yes, I 'had my hands up the asses of my minions, literally or figuratively.' Please! Only a truly depraved individual would assume such a thing. My minions are my servants, objects that I have created to do my bidding. I own them. I would not have sex with them any more than I would fuck any of my other belongings. You have a sick mind, Kouga. Get help.
"And speaking of perverts… Kagome, you're quite the little hentai yourself, aren't you? Don't think we don't see it! And it's not just the way you dress, either. Grab that long, hard arrow, baby. Grip it nice and tight. Sight along the shaft. Yeah, just like that. Now pull…a little harder…oh, too hard! Too hard! Don't let it go off too soon!
"You like the dirty talk, don't you? Why else would you go for a guy like Inuyasha? That little pansy-boy from your time couldn't talk dirty if there was shit in his mouth. You spread your legs for Inuyasha practically the first time you met him. Granted, it was only to ride on his back, but still, have you no sense of decency? Inuyasha is not a horse, though his level of intelligence is comparable. Horses typically don't want to fuck their riders at all, never mind how badly Inuyasha wants to bang you. Think about that the next time you decide to 'mount' him. And yet, people who aren't as perceptive as I wonder what you're trying to accomplish by dressing like a slut. However, my dear, sweet Kagome, I know exactly what you want. You're just begging for my tentacles, aren't you, bitch?"
Stunned silence reigns for half a second, then the crowd roars in outrage, the boos louder than ever. Naraku just smirks; he had been expecting it this time. Kagome glowers at him, her face beat red, and Inuyasha appears ready to explode at any moment. But Naraku has manipulated them before, and knows just how to push their buttons.
"That's right, Kagome. Get all pissy and offended. That's what you always do when you think someone is being a pervert. Or better yet, tell Inuyasha to 'Sit!' That never gets old, and we all know that you secretly enjoy it, being the sadist that you are. How else can we explain why you slam his face into the dirt for every tiny transgression? Oh, right, because you're an immature, snooty little bitch who thinks she can treat the man she supposedly loves like a dog. Ah, that explains it."
Kagome scoffs, seemingly able to brush off the comments. But those closest to her can see that Naraku's words are affecting her, in large part because if a man like Naraku can look down on her for something, what does that say about her?
"But enough about that slut. Nobody would care about Kagome if my devious plan to drive Inuyasha and Kikyou apart hadn't worked. I didn't think it was possible, but my success made Inuyasha's life even more pathetic. And the truly amusing part is that Kagome's presence has only added to that! Inuyasha, I swear I saw you on Jerry Springer the other day. You know, the 'He murdered me and then ran off with my reincarnation' episode? You kept telling Kikyou that it wasn't you who had killed her, but she didn't care, did she? She's never cared. Even though I dealt her that fatal wound, part of her will always blame you. How does that make you feel?
"But you know, some might say I was trying to do you a favor by keeping you and that crazy bitch apart. Too bad you didn't take the hint. I believe you were on Maury Povich last week for a paternity test, weren't you? You remember, the 'Who is this dead girl's baby daddy' show? Unfortunately, tests were inconclusive, but you can see the child at the Tokyo zoo in the 'We don't know what the fuck this is' exhibit. And Kikyou, weren't you on Oprah? Yeah, you told your story and everyone felt so bad for you. Oprah even agreed to name your book as her next 'Book of the Month!' Somehow, 'Evil Bitches Never Die' didn't become a best seller, though. Neither did your next work, 'I Promise It's Not Necrophilia!'
"Oh, but Kikyou's not the only dead person I've had the pleasure of dealing with. The vaunted Band of Seven that I had heard so much about turned out to be nothing more than a gang of unreliable, weak, idiotic misfits. They couldn't even handle Kouga, for Heaven's sake. I should have eliminated that insignificant pest myself, but I knew taking Kouga's shards would have been no challenge at all. It was much more fun to play with Inuyasha and his companions, and let one of my lackeys deal with the Poor Dumb Wolf. Trust me, Kouga, there's nothing 'big' or 'bad' about you.
"In addition to being completely useless as mercenaries, the Band of Seven lives a very suspicious lifestyle. Hmm, let's see. Seven men living, working, sleeping, and killing people together. No, that's not strange at all. What are you guys, like the gay mafia? If one of you gets 'whacked,' is that a good thing or a bad thing?"
The audience once again rises in collective jeers, mercilessly taunting the surprised speaker. "Wh-why are you booing me?" Naraku stutters angrily.
"That would be because you stole that line from Larry the Cable Guy," Miroku shouts from his barstool. "Git 'Er Done!"
Laughter follows Miroku's exclamation of the blue-collar comedian's signature line, leaving Naraku to shake his head and mutter to himself. "This is so not fair. Who knew Larry was so freaking popular?" Tapping his fingers impatiently, he waits for the audience to quiet down so he can continue.
"So anyway, bringing the Band of Seven back was a colossal waste of jewel shards. Now, Kohaku on the other hand, I don't regret reviving one bit. I had such fun with that boy. He had such horrible memories, and I took them all away. But his sister wanted him back, wanted him to remember everything. How cruel of you, Sango! Can't you see that your brother is better off not remembering that he's a bloodthirsty killer?"
Naraku shakes his head, feigning grief as he gets booed again. Sango is sitting stiffly once more, her jaw and fists clenched. This time it's Kagome who has her hand on her friend's shoulder for moral support, but the slayer knows she must deal with Naraku's harsh words on her own.
"I still cherish the look of despair on your face, Sango, as you realized your brother had slaughtered your family and friends. The destruction of your home village was almost as sweet. The pent up rage and bloodlust of those youkai, who had lived in fear of your village for years, was truly beautiful. The cries of the women and children as they were torn to pieces, the lamentations of the men as their loved ones were devoured before their eyes…I still have delicious dreams about that night. I'm sure you dream of it as well, and your failure to be there.
"Though I don't think you would have been able to save anyone. You weren't exactly the best ally back them. Your character has always been suspect. Your moods have gone full circle more times than your boomerang. If you were any quicker to play the martyr, you would save someone else the trouble and just kill yourself. First you wanted to save Kohaku, then you wanted to kill him and then yourself, and then you wanted him to live with you so you could be a good big sister again. What the hell? Do you really think Kohaku wants to live with a psychopath like you? I'm amazed the monk manages it, though we all know something's not quite right in his head.
"And let's not forget about the time you stole Tetsusaiga to save Kohaku, putting the life of your brother ahead of all your friends, the people who saved you from my deceit and were there for you when you needed them. Just where do your loyalties lie? If I had given you the chance to trade say, Shippou for Kohaku, would you have done it? How can any of them trust you? And I know Sesshoumaru doesn't; I'm amazed he hasn't slaughtered you yet for attempting to sacrifice Rin's life to save your precious houshi's. Again, I just can't comprehend how anyone can place their faith in you.
"But at least one of your companions should be used to having those closest to him betray his trust. Isn't that right, Inuyasha? How did it feel when Kikyou's arrow passed through your heart? What went through your mind when you learned that instead of killing you, she condemned you to an eternity of loneliness and suffering? I don't blame you for wanting the jewel. At least as a full-youkai, you could forget all the pain, and just focus on the incredible joy of cold-blooded murder. But you were so naïve back then. Did you really think the jewel would be able to transform that filthy half-breed body of yours into something that wasn't an abomination upon this earth?"
A low rumble goes through the crowd as many members of the audience point out that Naraku is a hanyou himself, but the dark hanyou has an answer for them.
"Yes, yes, I hear you, puppets. You're saying that I am a hanyou myself, but I do not agree. A hanyou is half youkai and half human. My body was created from one human and hundreds of youkai. How can I be a hanyou? I admit that I am not a full-youkai, but only by the smallest of percentages. Can you tell from looking at me that my blood is not as pure as Sesshoumaru's? You are a liar if you say you can. Now look at Inuyasha. Is it not abundantly clear that he is a revolting hybrid? On my own, I am more powerful than the strongest youkai in existence. Inuyasha is nothing without Tetsusaiga, a mortal whelp with a little youkai power. So, to help you slow-minded fools differentiate between half-breeds such as Inuyasha and demi-youkai such as myself, I have prepared a list, stated in simple, straightforward language so you can understand. And yes, I am parodying Jeff Foxworthy. I am Naraku. Foxworthy should consider himself privileged to aid me in rebutting your baseless and moronic accusations."
Naraku takes a moment to clear his throat, pulling a sheet of paper out of his robes.
"If the only people who will tolerate your presence are a bunch of misfits themselves, you might be a half-breed. If you've ever managed to get yourself collared by an old hag and a ditzy fifteen-year-old girl, you might be a half-breed. If your one and only servant in this world is a cowardly flea who runs at the first sign of danger, you might be a half-breed. If you find yourself being repeatedly outsmarted by kids, including fox and monkey youkai, you might be a half-breed. If once a month you get hyper-emotional and cranky, you might be a half-breed. That one also applies if you're a woman. If your own impending death makes you go insane and murder innocent people, you might be a half-breed. If your youkai father left the scene as soon as his human sex toy started whining about swollen ankles, you might be a half-breed."
There is movement off to the side of the auditorium, as a hulking form rises from its seat in the aisle, its huge eyes glowing with fury. But Naraku remains unawares, and continues his cruel tirade.
"If your whore of a mother regrets the day she ever birthed you, you might be a half-breed. If you…uh, if you…" Naraku trails off, finally noticing the huge figure stalking down the aisle in front of the first row of seats. He drops the paper as he realizes who it is, the piece of parchment fluttering harmlessly to the floor. "Th-that's all I have. G-goodnight!" he stutters, turning and trying to walk back to his barstool with some semblance of dignity. It is his final mistake of the evening. A massive hand shoots out and wraps around him, the fingers covering him from knee to shoulder in a vice-like grip. Naraku wheezes helplessly as he is lifted from the floor, and everyone on the dais is shown a sight they will never forget: Naraku's wide, panicked eyes as he is flung sideways with the strength of a thousand men. He impacts the auditorium's sidewall, which immediately implodes under the tremendous impact. When the dust clears, a light breeze and the sounds of car engines waft through a gaping hole at least ten feet in diameter. And outside that hole, those in the upper levels on the other side of the theater can glimpse a pile of rubble, with a few limbs sticking out of it.
The crowd explodes in a deafening roar, rivaling the fantastic outburst at the beginning of the show. The roasters on the dais are beside themselves with laughter; at least half of them are literally rolling on the ground. Not even Kikyou and Sesshoumaru can completely maintain their composures. In one fell swoop, Naraku's spell has been destroyed. His words, which had previously cut to the core, are now easily forgotten. The one responsible for all of this stands front and center, understandably overwhelmed. He takes a gracious bow, waving cautiously to his new fans. Someone starts a chant, which soon spreads through the entire auditorium, with even the roasters joining in.
"JI-NEN-JI! JI-NEN-JI! JI-NEN-JI!"
"That's my boy!" his mother shouts, though her voice is drowned out. Smiling brightly, her son returns to her side, and she pulls him down and hugs him around his massive neck. A collective expression of awe goes up, followed by another resounding ovation, causing both of them to blush. Miroku has by this time made his way back to the podium, and as the crowd settles down again, he resumes his duties as host.
"That just goes to show that sometimes improv is the best comedy," he observes. "I think this is a good time for our first and only intermission of the night. So if you need a drink or you're feeling that burrito you ate before the show, now's the time to take care of business. We'll be back in fifteen minutes."