|The Best Kisser in the World
Author: tookkia PM
Rosalie&Jacob oneshot. What Renesmee Cullen wants, Renesmee Cullen gets, but since when does this involve Rosalie Hale and Jacob Black sharing a smooch, and with each other! A funny little idea, really, please R&R!Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Rosalie & Jacob - Words: 2,284 - Reviews: 16 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 1 - Published: 12-10-10 - Status: Complete - id: 6545832
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
I know, it's been a while … ok, a long while, but what can I say, life is busy. I actually have several ideas for Rosalie and Jacob hehe, but I've decided to publish this one. It was written with the crazy idea that Rosalie and Jacob actually had to kiss! I know, "What?" So hopefully I did it justice. Hope you enjoy it, don't forget to review! Thanks.
And of course, the characters are all Stephanie Meyer's, only the little plot is mine.
"Now, now, Rose, be nice," Emmett taunted, smiling amusedly at his enraged wife. Rosalie glared at him.
"You're going to pay for this—"
Rosalie stopped midsentence, her expression clouding over immediately into one of complete adoration. "Yes, sweetheart?"
The little girl smiled sweetly at her, placing her small hand onto the elder's white arm.
Please stay with me, Rosalie, I don't want you to go.
Rosalie shot a wary look at the dark-skinned, grinning hulk sitting across from her.
Why me, why me!
But of course, what Renesmee Cullen wanted, Renesmee Cullen got.
Rosalie crumbled. "Of course, sweetie, I'll stay here with you so we can have our picnic." Emmett began to laugh hysterically until his blonde bombshell of a wife shot him another look, this one dangerously meaningful. He took an uneasy step backward.
"Well, uh, I guess I better be on my way then. Don't worry, Ness, I'll get you the biggest bear I can find!" and with that, he was gone, so swift not a single leaf jumped out of place. Jacob let out a long whistle as he swung his head back towards the two remaining girls.
"Geez, Barbie, your boy can sure be quick when he wants to be," he laughed, easily picking up Renesmee from the middle. Rosalie ignored him, motioning towards the basket as she turned her gaze onto the adorable little four-year old—mentally and physically anyway—and smiled.
"What shall we do first, Ness?"
Nessie batted her lashes and tilted her head in mock thought, a loud 'hmmm' emitting her baby face lips. "Let's start off by playing house!" she suddenly exclaimed.
Jacob furrowed his brow, remembering vaguely a similar game his older sisters used to play with him when he was a boy…he really hoped this game didn't include stuffing him into a tiny stroller…
Rosalie nodded in agreement. "Ok, how about we pretend—"
"Wait, wait, wait!" Nessie interrupted, climbing out of Jacob's lap. "First we have to pick characters, don't you know anything?"
Jacob smirked, adding tauntingly, "Yeah, Rosalie, don't you know anything?"
Rosalie growled. "Oh I know a couple of things that—"
"No, you guys can't start fighting yet!" Nessie cut in, causing both to look at her in confusion.
She rolled her eyes and sighed dramatically. "Ok, Rosalie will be the mommy, and Jake will be the daddy, and I will be the misfit daughter."
Jacob burst out laughing with the last role. "You've been watching way too much TV, Ness," he said, but Rosalie only scowled.
"Except in this game there will be NO kissing!" she added, her tiny face morphing into that of a very threatening demon child, particularly towards her beautiful aunt.
Said aunt was mortified.
"What? Renesmee Cullen, I wouldn't even dream of—"
"I'm one heck of a kisser, Barbie," Jacob suddenly interrupted, waggling his eyebrows tauntingly towards the appalled blonde. It took every ounce of control to stop from lunging and choking him into a slow and painful death.
"Jake," Renesmee warned, her brown eyes narrowing threateningly, but Jacob already had her lifted in his arms, a big wet smooch on her forehead to illuminate his next point.
"Don't worry, my sweet Ness," he chuckled, "no kisses for the ugly vampire, only for you."
Renesmee laughed, throwing her arms around her big, broad, friend. She didn't catch the fuming look Rosalie threw at Jacob, a mouthed 'UGLY! OH I'LL SHOW YOU UGLY!' aimed directly for his jugular.
"Kisses for me, kisses for me!" she crooned, kissing the entirety of his face. Rosalie watched the sight with disgust.
Really, out of all the mythical creatures, she had to get imprinted by this thing!
Jacob finally set the miniature beauty down, flipping her upside down before plopping her down onto the set blanket. Rosalie was still scowling, an expression Renesmee quickly noticed.
"What's wrong, Rosalie? Are you mad that Jake's not allowed to kiss you?"
Jacob nearly passed out with the horrified expression that exploded onto the blonde vampire's face. It was just priceless! She sputtered in indignation and revulsion.
"Mad because—kiss that—the mongrel?"
Renesmee was taken aback. For a brief second surprise flitted across her tiny face, slight confusion with her aunt's aversion for the most beautiful creature in the world.
"What's wrong with kissing Jake?" she demanded, her tone deepening and her eyebrows furrowing.
Rosalie was still too disgusted, however, to note the change of mood. "Oh goodness, no, Nessie. I'd rather die all over again then go near that mutt—"
And then confusion turned into anger.
"To even think—ugh! How terribly nauseating! And to imagine one of these days—"
"My niece, my only niece, imprisoned with this imbecile—"
"These wolves are all alike too. Belching, sloppy, dirty—"
"Hey, Rosalie, you need to—"
And she finally looked up, her attention focusing on the small girl sitting in front of her rather than the fearful looking shape-shifter who had called her more than once.
Renesmee snapped before she could apologize.
"ROSALIE, I AM TIRED OF YOU BEING SO MEAN TO MY JAKE!" she screamed, her little fists balled up in frustration and nostrils flared.
Rosalie blinked. Did she just yell—
"HE IS NONE OF THOSE THINGS! AND I'M GOING TO PROVE IT TO YOU!" With strength and speed undeserving of any normal four year old, Renesmee flung herself behind her aunt and pushed, sending a stunned Rosalie within a foot of Jacob's frozen figure. Standing three feet and six inches tall, Renesmee towered over the two, her eyes blazing madly and her arms crossed. "JAKE, KISS HER, NOW!"
An unbelievable silence.
Both adults stared at the human hurricane in awe, their mouths dropping in unison. They looked at each other with identical expressions, an expression voicing the exact same thing:
You got to be kidding me.
Jacob acted first. With a gentle smile and pleading eyes, he made to approach his imprint. "Now, now, Nessie, sweetie. Don't you think you're over reacting a little bit. You know we can't do that—"
"I'M NOT OVER REACTING!"
Rosalie jumped in. "No, no, of course not! But you know uncle Emmett wouldn't want me kissing other boys—"
Renesmee laughed, almost hysterically. It caused Rosalie and Jake to share yet another glance with each other, the message this time being: she's totally lost it.
As her laughter subsided, Renesmee pointed in another direction. In a sweet, taunting voice, she asked, "Why don't you ask him?"
Turning around revealed a tall, muscular vampire. The dead bear he promised lay completely forgotten behind a tall tree, and Emmett stalked over to the trio, his eyes glinting maliciously with humor. "Ask me what, my love?"
Renesmee interrupted before anyone could say anything. "Emmett, Rosalie said that Jake is a bad kisser. She called him a lot of names and you know what, Emmett? I'm tired of this! She's always being so mean to him for no reason! So I want Jake to kiss Rosalie, so I can prove that I'm right, is that ok with you?"
Rosalie could see where this was going. She shot Emmett one more death glare before he laughed aloud. "Well, gee, Rose, it is just one little kiss. Hmmm…"
Jacob, who had gone a sort of pale throughout the short moments, came to life. "Emmett, man, don't do it. Imagine how bad this is going to affect your love lif—"
"Eh, we'll survive."
"Emmett, he's not joking. I swear to you, if you make me kiss this—"
"Barbie, shut up! Your big mouth is what got us into this in the first place—"
"My mouth! You're the one with the 'oh, I'm one heck of a kisser, blah, blah—"
"AW, WHAT THE HELL!"
Rosalie and Jacob stopped in mid-rant, narrowed eyes and unfurled fury now directed at another person. Emmett simply smiled back and went over to swoop up his niece, who laughed and hugged him back with adoration.
"Ok, then, now you have to do it!" she settled, her mouth set firmly. "Come on, Jake, show her you're none of those things!"
"Actually, Ness, I am sort of a mutt—"
Jacob immediately backtracked, his eyes downcast with hurt. As idiotic as the whole situation was, he knew he would do whatever it was his little princess asked of him.
Including kissing the ice queen … With a heavy sigh and a hand through his hair, he turned towards Rosalie, a defeated expression on his face.
Rosalie, however, was nobody's imprint, and therefore not as easily baited. She growled. "Oh, no, you don't." She fixed a stern look into her smug niece's face. "Renesmee Cullen, you are being ridiculous, and—WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? GET YOUR PAWS OFF ME!"
But Jacob was not letting go. He held her wrists between one of his huge hands, his mouth set grimly, as if he were going to vomit any minute now. In his eyes, however, was a look of determination. "Sorry, Barbie, but she's not going to stop till we do this, so let's just get it over with."
Rosalie glared, though her façade was quickly shattering, a look of panic overwhelming her beautiful features.
"Just close your eyes tightly, I'll do it quickly." Jacob was saying.
"You can't be serio—"
"Believe me, I wish I wasn't."
Rosalie froze, weighing her options. She could run, yes, she could definitely run, but …
Emmett simply shook his head. "Don't even think about it, Rose."
Rosalie snarled. That backstabbing bastard! Though, it was just a little kiss after all …
Yeah, right, who am I kidding, with the mongrel!
But there was no way out.
A loud groan was emitted before she finally turned her attention back to the thing in front of her. "Fine," she said smartly, "but just a quick peck. If I even feel your tongu—"
Jacob laughed sadistically. "You're not getting that lucky, don't worry."
Behind them Renesmee was already congratulating herself on her victory, her glee ringing through the forest in melodious waves.
"Ok, then, on the count of three." Jake was saying. Rosalie already had her eyes closed shut, her shoulders cringing with the disgusting thing she was about to do.
"Yay! I win, I win!"
"Just you watch, Rosalie! Jake is the best kisser in the world!"
With speed unknown before, Jacob brought the porcelain vampire up towards his face, his own eyes squeezed shut for the inevitable plunging of lips. As expected, it was a cold surface, hard and unfeeling. Their lips touched for the shortest of seconds, no hesitation whatsoever. And just as quickly, after a quick smooching sound, the same lips retracted, burning against freezing, a pair never meant to be brought within such close proximity.
The two quickly pulled away from each other, rubbing their mouths in sync, gagging and sputtering for breath they apparently didn't have anymore, abhorred with the monstrosity they had just contributed to.
"Oh, God, I'm going to be sick …" Jacob moaned.
Rosalie had no words. Her wretched face said it all.
"Oh, yeah, this one's going right in the den." Emmett announced mischievously, an instant photograph drying out between outstretched fingers. "What luck that you brought a camera, Rose! I'm thinking thirty by forty inches should do, what do you think, babe—AH! Catch, Nessie!"
And before anyone could say anything, the race home was on.
"EMMETT, YOU'RE DEAD!"
"I KNOW, ISN'T IT AWESOME?"
"Nessie, come on! Don't be that way, give me the picture!"
The half-vampire giggled, her feet flying over the wooded terrain as she fled ecstatically from her best friend. Suddenly however—
"Ah! Emmett, he's got me! He's got me!"
"Yeah, I got you, now give me that—"
But Nessie was no longer laughing. "Jake?" she whispered, almost shyly.
Jacob stopped immediately, his eyebrows furrowing with concern, the photograph momentarily forgotten. "What is it, Ness?"
And just like that, oceans were born, stars imploded, and the universe stopped for a glorious second. Nessie smiled.
"Nothing," she laughed, bringing the picture up between her fingers and tearing it in half. She quickly reached up and kissed her Jacob on the forehead. "Don't worry, I won't make you do that again."
Jacob sighed audibly, laughing with relief and adoration for his little angel.
"And besides," she added thoughtfully, a twinkle in her eye as he carried her the rest of the way home, "I love you, and I don't want to share the best kisser in the world with anyone."
Jacob laughed, a huge, wet, kiss left on the front of her head. "I love you too, Ness. And don't worry, my kisses are only for you. Always."
Review please :)