|Always On My Mind
Author: SweetLovinCullen PM
Edward lost Bella and can think of no one but her. Can his parents, his children and his family help him live his life again? Or will it be Bella who finally helps him to live again? A/H O/S. Written for the Pick a Pic Challenge.Rated: Fiction M - English - Tragedy/Hurt/Comfort - Bella & Edward - Words: 3,870 - Reviews: 24 - Favs: 31 - Follows: 6 - Published: 12-11-10 - Status: Complete - id: 6546177
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
This was my entry for TwiPics Pick a Pic Contest.
katmom who made the banner I based this fic on was kind enough to personalise it for me. You can see the banner on my profile.
I also wrote a collab with TwiLucy_UK for the same contest called A Fatal Match which you can find on my profile too.
It had been six months. Six months since I lost the love of my life. Six months since I had watched my wife die in my arms, taken away from my two beautiful children and I.
I held Bella, we knew there wasn't long left. We knew it would be tonight. Olivia and Anthony were with my parents and I laid holding Bella as we spoke and relived our favourite moments together. As the evening went on Bella got more and more incoherent but I knew she was still here, deep down she was still in there.
Bella lifted her frail head and locked her eyes with mine. "It's always been you, I love you."
I fought back the tears and kissed Bella's forehead. "I love you too."
Bella nestled her head on my chest and slowly her breathing got more and more shallow until she took last one breath and she was gone. My beautiful Bella was gone. I held her as I sobbed onto her still body.
I had moved in with my parents after Bella passed as my mother was adamant I needed their help. That Anthony and Olivia needed their help too.
She was right, of course. She always was. I sighed as I rubbed my hand over the back of my neck and looked up to the sky. My Bella was out there somewhere waiting for me just like she told me she would be.
Bella was in tears and moved closer to me, not that that was even possible, I had had her as close to me as I could ever since we got the news. Placing her head on my shoulder, she took a huge breath and spoke, "I don't know if I can do the treatments again Edward."
Bella turned her head to face me. "I just can't live through that again, last time Olivia and Anthony were young, they didn't really know what was happening but now, now they'll know everything. I just want to be with them and you and live life as fully as I can until my final day."
I found myself crying and kissed Bella's hair. "Bella plea-"
Bella shook her head. "Edward, I'm dying, I'm going to die and I need you to know one thing, once I'm gone know that whenever you look up at the sky I'll be there looking right back down at you, waiting for you, it's always been you."
I smiled up at the sky as I came back to the present, she was out there, I could feel her. I just had to wait until the day I could go back to her.
I stood and walked into the garden to be faced with Olivia running toward me, every time I looked at her I saw Bella. She was exactly the same except for her hair and eye colour, she had my eyes and strange bronze hair colour.
Olivia jumped in my arms and I smiled down at her. "Hey sweetheart."
"Grandma told me to come get you, dinners ready and she needs your help."
I ruffled Olivia's hair, she was only nine but she'd been through so much and was still smiling. "Okay I'm coming. Go get cleaned up and I'll be there."
Olivia nodded and kissed my cheek, I looked up at the sky once more, blowing a kiss to my Bella.
Bella sat next to me, it had been a few weeks since we'd found out and everyone knew apart from Anthony and Olivia. We had waited until Christmas and New Year were over to tell our family. Now we had to tell our beautiful children.
Olivia and Anthony were in our bed between us. This was our Saturday morning ritual; they'd slip in one by one and be beside us both when we woke. Bella and I knew we really should stop it but we loved having them with us in the bed, waking up and seeing their faces.
Bella hugged them both to her and placed them on her lap, she pushed Olivia's unruly curls away from her face and kissed her forehead along with Anthony's. "Mommy has something she needs to tell you both."
Olivia nodded as did Anthony. "Do you remember when Mommy was sick, real sick?"
"Uh-huh but you got better."
I smiled at Olivia. "Well, Mommy is sick again but this time it's really bad."
Olivia's eyes went wide. "Are you going to be an angel like Nanny and Poppa?"
Bella looked at me and I nodded, we were going to tell them about the illness but not about her dying, we couldn't do that to them. "No we don't think so sweetie but I will be ill and I need you to be strong, can you both do that for me?"
They both nodded and threw their tiny arms around Bella's neck and I placed my arm on Bella's shoulder, I knew she was crying and this was killing her so I just held her as she held our children.
I walked through to the kitchen and sure enough my mom was there waiting, she walked over to me and took my head in her hands, kissing my forehead. "I know where you were."
I sighed. "I just needed time to think, it's just so hard."
"I know Edward, I know."
"So did you really need my help or were you just trying to save me from myself?"
My mom laughed, it was that soft laugh that always made me feel loved. "Well, your brother and brother in law are the laziest people known to man, your sister's about to pop and your father and sister in law could burn water so a bit of both."
I shook my head. "Where are the kids?"
"With your father in the basement, they're all cleaned up and ready for dinner."
I nodded and helped my mom finish up before carrying through the food, today was my father's sixtieth and before Bella died she'd helped me pick his gift and my father had loved it just like Bella had said he would.
Bella pushed herself up and hissed in pain. "Bella, we don't need to do this."
"We do, we all know your history with gifts."
Bella chuckled and I just stuck my tongue out. I loved how we could still be like this despite everything we still had us.
"Pass me the laptop Edward."
I obeyed placing the laptop on her lap and she opened it up, I sat beside her and watched as she pulled up an antique watch site. "This one."
Bella pointed with her now almost skeletal finger to a simple gold pocket watch and I smiled, he'd love it. "It's from the early 1900s; it'll be great for his collection."
I nodded. "Order it."
Bella smiled and placed the order before shutting the laptop and curving her body to mine. "Let me know if he likes it."
Bella answered my unspoken question before slipping into a deep sleep. "Pray to me."
And that's just what I did, after dinner I went up to my room and I prayed to Bella. I told her everything about dinner, the watch and our family. I told her about Alice's incessant moaning and groaning and that I couldn't remember her being like that during either of her pregnancies.
I told her about Rose and Em's plans to try for a baby next year. I told her about my mom's new design school. By the time I was finished I was in tears and tried to pull myself together as I heard a soft knock on the door.
Olivia peeked her head through the crack she created in the door and one look at her face told me she'd been crying too. "Daddy, can I sleep in here tonight?"
Olivia came in and bounded over to the bed snuggling up to my side, her cheek rested on my chest and I fought back the lump in my throat as I remembered the day she was born.
Bella sat up holding our daughter and I slid in beside her, kissing her forehead. "You did it love."
Bella laughed. "It took thirty hours but we got there in the end."
Before I could say anything Bella spoke. "It's weird; it's only just sunk in. We have to look after this life, this tiny small life. I mean I was pregnant for nine months but it's just hit me."
I kissed Bella's forehead. "You'll be fine, and we've got each other. We always will have. We'll grow old together and you'll hold Olivia's hand through it all when it's her turn. You're going to be an amazing mother Bella."
Bella turned her head and smiled at me. "You'll be an amazing father."
I looked down at the small bundle in my wife's arms and couldn't help but hope I would be.
"I miss her so bad."
"I know you do sweetie, I do too."
I squeezed Olivia closer to me and her tears fell on my shirt. "Why'd you not tell us?"
I looked down into Olivia's eyes. The eyes that were a carbon copy of mine and I knew I couldn't lie. "We did what we thought was best, we didn't want you to know Mommy was going to heaven baby. We wanted you to be able to enjoy your time with her without wondering when she'd leave, that's why."
Olivia's eyes spilled over with tears and she hugged me. "Why'd they take her Daddy, why?"
"I don't know sweetie, we never will. We just have to remember never to forget her."
"I won't Daddy, I think about her every day."
"So do I sweetie."
I was stood at the top of the aisle with my baby brother Emmett beside me, not that you'd think he was the baby what with him being well over six foot and being built like a WWE wrestler.
I was marrying Bella today. After seven years together she was becoming Mrs. Cullen. She was going to be my wife, my one and only love who I would have children with and grow old with. My constant companion. As soon as the music started my eyes fixated on the door. Alice, my twin sister and Bella's maid of honour and best friend since we were four appeared first. Rosalie, Bella's other best friend from school and Em's girlfriend of three years followed.
And then I saw her. I saw Bella. As soon as she walked through those doors on her father's arm I couldn't look anywhere else. She wore a simple floor length gown and veil. I'd never seen her looking so beautiful.
Bella stepped up to stand opposite me and grinned up at me mouthing. "I love you."
"I love you too."
"Daddy, what was Mommy like when she was little?"
I laughed as I thought back to a young Bella, she was clumsy as hell and the number of times Dad had to sort her out were innumerable. "She was clumsy, very clumsy."
Olivia beamed up at me but her smile didn't reach her eyes. "As clumsy as me?"
I nodded. "And she had a heart of gold, if anyone was ever hurting she'd be there for them in a heartbeat and up until her last moment she was always like that. So loving and caring."
"Are Anthony and me like her?"
I smiled and lifted Olivia into my lap. "You both are but you, you especially. Whenever I see you Olivia I see your mom looking right back at me and I love that you look and act so much like her. It makes me feel like a part of her is still here with me."
Olivia hugged me again. "We need to get some sleep sweetie, you think you can sleep?"
Olivia looked up at me. "Will you hum Mommy's lullaby?"
I nodded and settled into bed with my daughter beside me and hummed the melody I'd composed for her mother seventeen years early.
I sat at the piano with Bella sat atop it in her blue prom dress, we'd just returned from our senior prom and the house was deserted since my parents had taken Em away to see my grandparents for the weekend and Alice was with Jasper at his place.
"Edward, what's going on?"
I placed my fingers on the keys and played her lullaby for her. I'd composed it a few weeks back and had been dying to play it for her as I played her eyes filled with tears and as I finished the final notes off she jumped down from the piano and walked over to me. "That's was too beautiful for words."
Bella kissed me and I sighed into her mouth. I never wanted to let go of her; I never wanted to lose her. I wanted her to be mine forever.
The next day I woke to find Olivia by my side where she'd fallen asleep last night and Anthony at my other side, he must have snuck in last night when we were asleep. I gently lifted myself out their embraces and tucked them back in before making my way downstairs, I couldn't sleep anymore. It was six months exactly today.
As I walked into the kitchen I found Alice sat at the table with a glass of water and tears in her eyes. I walked over to her and placed my arm around her shoulders, I didn't need to ask. I knew. Alice leant her head against my shoulder. "I never even got to tell her."
"She knows Alice. She's watching over you and that baby."
"I know but, she was, she was..."
"Shush Alice. I know, I know but trust me. Bella's up there looking down on us and she's happy."
"How do you do it Edward?"
"I just survive. I have Olivia and Anthony to think of. I need to try be strong for them but I know Olivia sees right through me sometimes."
Alice laughed. "Too right! She's so much like Bella it's scary."
"You're telling me it is. Sometimes Olivia does something and I have to remind myself it's her and not Bella I'm looking at."
Alice took my hand in hers and smiled at me. "I want to tell you something. Jasper and I decided a while back but we wanted to wait to tell you."
"Tell me what?"
"Well, we haven't told anyone but we're having a girl and we're naming her Isabella after Bella."
I hugged my older sister by three minutes. "Thank you sis, this would mean so much to her."
"I know it would. I miss her so much and it's my way of keeping her memory alive."
I kissed Alice's cheek and set about making coffee for myself. "I heard you and Olivia last night."
I froze and Alice smiled. "You handled it really well. I know she finds it hard, she was so close to Bella."
I gritted my teeth and turned to face my sister. "They both were Alice."
Alice held her hands up in defence. "I know. I don't mean it like that but mother's and daughter's have a special bond and Olivia's going to miss out on so much and so is Bella but if you'll let me I'll be there for her when she needs it. Just say the word and I'm there."
"Thank you Alice."
As I hugged my sister Olivia and Anthony came running into the kitchen. I knew what they were after. "Let me guess, Mickey Mouse pancakes?"
They both nodded and Anthony came up to me hugging my middle. "Love you Daddy."
"Love you too, kid."
I knelt down and ruffled his hair. He leant forward and whispered into my ear. "I missed Mommy so much last night."
Anthony wasn't so verbal on his feelings as Olivia and whenever he opened I took hold of it. "I did too son, so much but whenever you miss her just look up in the sky and she'll be there looking down at you."
He nodded and I wiped the tears from his eyes. I rose and kissed Alice's hair before going to make the pancakes with the recipe Bella had taught me. I mixed the batter as I smiled remembering the first time Bella had tired to teach me the infamous Swan recipe.
"Edward, you're measuring it all wrong."
I slammed the whisk down on the side and trapped Bella in my arms. "I know what I'd like to measure all day long."
Bella rolled her eyes and clapped her flour covered hands in my face, I coughed through the dust and realised Bella had left my arms, I scanned the kitchen of our first home together and found her by the fridge, bag of flour in hand.
"If you think that'll stop me you're mistaken. I play basketball remember, I'm quick on the move."
"Pfft please Edward! I could run rings around you."
I sprung forward and on my first lunge I caught Bella. The flour flew everywhere as I kissed her. "Told you so."
As I spoke I lifted Bella up onto the counter. "Enough with the pancakes."
I blew the flour off Bella's face and pulled her flush to my body, sliding myself between her legs and thanking God that she had a skirt on.
"Earth to Edward."
I came back to the here and now with my sister's hand being waved in front of my face."Jesus, where'd you go? You look like the cat that got the canary!"
"Nowhere in particular."
"Well, come back 'cos you're about to burn the house down and let's be honest Mom would kill you for that."
I sighed and shifted from foot to foot trying to adjust myself. Fuck I missed Bella so much, so fucking much. I sighed and set to work on a new set of pancakes for Olivia and Anthony before serving them up and leaving them with Alice. I needed some air.
I walked out back to the place that had been my hidey hole when I was growing up. It was where I came to just escape and think. Only my mom knew about it and she had rarely came out here. I settled down on the grass and watched the clouds in the sky.
"Edward where are you taking me?"
"I want to show you something, it's special to me."
Bella let out an exasperated sigh and I couldn't help but laugh. "Edward, I've been in your garden a million times. I've seen it all."
I smiled in the moonlight. "Oh no you haven't, come."
I guided Bella to the spot I came to escape and as I got a few feet away I covered her eyes. "Edw-"
I placed my finger on her lips. "Shush, step forward."
Bella followed my lead and once she was where I needed her to be I uncovered her eyes. "Oh my..."
Bella trailed off as she took in the picnic and turned to me. "I wanted to spend the night here with you and show you my special place but first, I wanted to do this..."
I paused and got into position pulling the velvet box that held the simple diamond engagement ring Alice had helped me to pick. "Isabella Marie Swan, I love you; I've loved you for what feels like a life time. Would you do me the extraordinary honour of marrying me?"
Bella threw herself into my arms causing me to fall to the ground, she kissed me and pulled back to nod. "Yes, I will marry you"
I grinned and placed Bella's ring on her finger before kissing her under the stars and moonlight before claiming her for the first time as my fiancée.
My head snapped to the side at that voice, the voice I hadn't heard for six months, the voice of my beautiful wife. "Bella?"
And sure enough there she was, sat beside me looking like she did before the hell of her cancer took hold; she smiled and lay down beside me. She felt and looked so real, so very real.
"It's me Edward, I'm here."
"Bella, I've missed you so much love."
"I know, I've missed you too but I've been here for you. I've been watching over you, Olivia and Anthony."
"You're doing great Edward. I'm so very proud of you but please don't be afraid to love again. To have a life outside our babies and family. I trust you and I'll always know you love me and I'll be up there waiting for you regardless."
"Love, I don't want to love anyone but you."
Bella smiled. "I know but I'm just saying that if you ever come to the point where you fall in love know that I'll be happy Edward. You gave me the best nineteen years of my life. I'm not going to let the rest of your life die with me."
A lump rose in my throat and leant forward to stroke Bella's hair and it worked. I pushed it back behind her ear and leant forward to kiss her pausing just by her lips. "It's always been you."
I leant forward to kiss my wife and I resolved to stay true to her words and not let my life die with her. I didn't know if I'd ever love again but I'd live life not just for myself but for Bella too. I owed her that much. When I opened my eyes she was gone and I knew. I knew that I needed to start living again.
Hope you enjoyed this O/S.
Thank you to my friend TwiLucy_UK for reading through this for me. I'm sorry I made you cry! Go check out her story I beta Loved & Lost. The link is on my profie.