Author: fagur fiskur PM
Kurt is Team Gaga. Blaine is Team Perry. Most of Dalton is Team Shut-up-and-make-out-already. Klaine.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Romance - Kurt H. & Blaine A. - Words: 2,734 - Reviews: 93 - Favs: 323 - Follows: 11 - Published: 12-23-10 - Status: Complete - id: 6583976
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: Like… I honestly don't know. Just read it.
Frustration (aka what happens when two gay, repressed teenage boys in love live together)
When Kurt first found out he'd be rooming with Blaine at Dalton, he'd been pretty on the fence about it. On one hand he was relieved that he wouldn't be living with a complete stranger, but rather someone he liked and who understood his situation.
On the other hand, he was pretty pathetically in love with Blaine, which could cause some problems of the very embarrassing sort if Kurt were forced to stay in the same room as him for too long.
As it turns out he needn't have worried. Despite the underlying sexual tension (which Kurt is beginning to think might be - le gasp - mutual) their friendship is comfortable enough so that rooming together is enjoyable. There are really only two flaws to living with Blaine.
Unfortunately they are pretty major ones.
Aside from the aforementioned sexual tension, which is exiting on a good day but damn near unbearable otherwise, there is Blaine's obsessive love for Katy Perry.
At first it hadn't been all that noticeable. A magazine here, a ring tone there. However, as Blaine grows more comfortable with the idea of a roommate, his walls begin to come down. And behind those walls is something equal parts endearing and absolutely insufferable.
It is driving Kurt just a little bit crazy, to be honest, and crazy Kurt is not a pleasant Kurt. He is becoming increasingly bitchy every time Blaine blasts 'California Gurls' in their dorm room while studying algebra, which is more often than should be legally allowed. To make up for those only-slightly-called-for throws of bitchiness, Kurt makes every effort to be extraordinarily nice the rest of the time.
And now he lives in constant fear of Blaine serenading him with an a cappella version of 'Hot N Cold'.
Still, better Katy Perry than Karofsky.
BLAINE'S OBSESSIVE LOVE FOR PAGE BREAKS
"It's like living with the entirety of Katy Perry's fan club, compressed into one guy," Kurt concludes.
"That sounds about right," Wes says. David nods in agreement.
"So?" Kurt prods. "No advice on how to deal with it?"
The two older Warblers laugh.
"Oh, you're serious," Wes says awkwardly when Kurt doesn't laugh with them.
"There's a reason Blaine lived by himself in a double bedroom," David explains. "No one's been able to live with him for more than two months. He's a great friend, but a terrible roommate."
Kurt's stomach drops. He'd been afraid of that.
"You can try asking him to tone it down," David suggests. "It's not like he does it on purpose, if he knew you were uncomfortable he'd probably do anything he could to help."
Kurt nods, but inwardly he's already decided not to bother. He remembers how much it upset him when Blaine told him to tone it down a few weeks ago, and he'd only been talking about the Warblers. He doesn't want to ask Blaine to do the same in the sanctuary of their own room.
Apparently his decision shows itself on his face, because Wes grins and says: "If you're not comfortable with that, there's always plan B."
Kurt raises an eyebrow. "Plan B?"
HE'S A GREAT FRIEND BUT A TERRIBLE PAGE BREAK
"He hates me."
Wes and David barely hold back their groans of dismay. Barely.
"He doesn't hate you," David tells Blaine in a very convincing monotone. He just thinks you're a terrible roommate, he adds mentally.
"He does," Blaine insists. "He snaps at me all the time. It's like he's always angry when I'm around. Except when he puts on this mask of exaggerated niceness, probably to keep himself from strangling me."
"Why would he be like that?" Maybe Blaine has finally taken a hint.
Blaine groans pathetically. "I don't know. Because he hates me?"
"Blaine-" David starts, but Wes cuts him off.
"It's sexual tension."
Both his friends stare at him. 'What are you doing,' David mouths. Wes pays him to heed.
"Kurt thinks you're hot like Mexico but he's afraid to make the first move," Wes lies smoothly, and David is a little impressed despite himself that Wes could say that with a straight face. "He told me he doesn't want to throw away your friendship."
Blaine goes very still and very, very quiet.
"I suggest jumping him," Wes continues. "Or at least indicate that you're interested. Preferably through a Katy Perry song."
Behind a contemplative Blaine, David is gesturing frantically, using the sign language they'd made up in sixth grade.
What the hell do you think you're doing, he signs. Don't give him ideas. Purple monkey dishwasher.
Okay, so that last line probably isn't right. But it's been a while since Wes has had to decipher any of David's so-called signing.
"I have to go," Blaine says determinedly and with that, he leaves.
"What the hell?" David says and smacks his friend. "What if he goes and tries to jump Kurt now?"
"As if Kurt would mind Blaine jumping him," Wes snorts. "And besides, I doubt Blaine would be so forward. He's a 'gentleman', remember?"
"So instead he'll start playing more Katy Perry," David concludes. "Wes, where are you going with this?"
Wes pats his friend's head. "Relax, little one. This is all part of my brilliant master plan."
"As was telling Kurt to try retribution against Blaine's Katy Perry-ing ways, instead of going the normal, human way about it and talk to Blaine directly?"
"Exactly. I figure this way, either Kurt will punch Blaine, or one of them will give in and jump the other. I wasn't kidding about the sexual tension, you know."
David's eyes narrows. "What's your endgame?"
Wes shrugged. "I'm bored. And this is bound to be highly entertaining, no matter how it turns out."
I WASN'T KIDDING ABOUT THE PAGE BREAK YOU KNOW
The next week there is no sign of Katy Perry going away. If anything, Blaine is playing even more of her music than before.
It's so frustrating, because Kurt really, really likes Blaine and doesn't want to wanna beat his head in every time he sees him, but it's becoming increasingly harder.
Finally, Kurt cracks. There's only so much Katy Perry a person can take. Retribution, Wes said.
Oh, he'll show 'em retribution.
THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH PAGE BREAK A PERSON CAN TAKE
Blaine is having a very nice dream. It involves Kurt, small, red swimming trunks and copious amounts of alcohol being drunk on the beach. Not that Blaine ever gets drunk in real life.
But he is brutally shaken out of his fantasy by a blaring declaration of "JUST DANCE!", making him jump in his bed and nearly fall onto the floor. Which would have been unfortunate, seeing as how he sleeps in the top bunk.
"Wha-" he mumbles as he rubs the sleep out of his eyes. "What? Gaga? What?"
"Good morning, roomie," Kurt chirps cheerfully. Blaine can barely hear him over the noise.
"Don't you think you should turn down the volume?" Blaine asks. "I don't think the whole floor appreciates being woken at… 6 am, by Lady Gaga."
"As opposed to Katy Perry?" Blaine thinks he hears Kurt mumble, but it might have been something else, as the younger teen immediately complies. If Blaine didn't know better, he'd say that Kurt woke him up like this on purpose.
"It's a good song though, right?" Kurt smiles and Blaine melts a little bit. Despite the unconventional wakeup, he's glad he's up. Kurt is adorably ruffled, only half-way through his morning routine, and in Blaine's books that more than makes up for any unintentional inconvenience on his part. "So much better than 'California Gurls'."
Kurt shrugs. "You've just been playing that song so much lately, I thought I'd show you that decent music still exist."
Oh no, he didn't.
"I mean, Gaga's music is far superior," Kurt continues. "And her music videos too, for that matter. Alejandro is just pure art. And don't even get me started on her fashion sense."
"At least Katy Perry's never dressed like a Final Fantasy villain," Blaine mutters mutinously.
Kurt's eyes narrow.
And so it begins.
I THOUGHT I'D SHOW YOU THAT DECENT PAGE BREAKS STILL EXIST
It starts out small. They take turns commandeering the iPod speakers and blasting their respective artists' music. Blaine plasters Katy Perry posters all over their room, even on the wall space that's supposed to be Kurt's. Kurt bitches.
"Real advocate for gay rights, isn't she," said sarcastically as he's forced to listen to 'Ur So Gay' for the thousandth time.
"She sounds more convincing about it than you do, you know," when Blaine hums quietly about how he kissed a girl and liked it.
"Don't even think about it," as Blaine plays the first notes of 'If You Can Afford Me' on his guitar.
He stays silent when Blaine plays 'Teenage Dream' though. Because it has a good melody, okay?
It's almost civil, really. At first.
But it's ridiculously quick to spin out of control. Soon, Kurt's forgotten all about retribution and Blaine's forgotten all about supposed sexual tension. This is about proving whose personal idol is far superior to the other.
And maybe it's also a little bit about the sexual tension.
The two boys are anything but subtle about their personal little war, and pretty soon they've got the whole school, even the faculty, into it. Some are Team Perry. Some are Team Gaga.
Most though, are Team Shut-up-and-make-out-already.
All the while, Wes observes the chaos he's created with what can only be described as a manic glint in his eyes. David observes as well, though with far more giddiness and far less sinister undertones.
"This is your best idea ever," he tells his friend as Kurt strolls into practice humming 'Boys Boys Boys' quite loudly and shaking his hips in time, prompting a look equal parts murderous and lustful from Blaine.
"I know," Wes says smugly. "I'm thinking about taking bets."
"Twenty bucks say Kurt is the first to snap."
SOME ARE TEAM PAGE BREAK
Kurt isn't the first to snap. And neither is Blaine, for that matter.
It happens at Warbler practice. They have just opened up a discussion on what to sing at Regionals, when Blaine speaks up.
"Since we did so well with 'Teenage Dream' and 'Last Friday Night' I thought maybe we could do another Katy Perry song-" He starts, but is interrupted by a loud, clearly fake yawn. He smiles politely. "Do you have a problem with that, Kurt?"
Kurt waves his hand. "Oh no, don't mind me. It's just, haven't we done enough Katy Perry already?"
Despite the fact that Kurt's constant barbs for the past days really should have prepared him for this, Blaine still pulls a face like someone just pissed on his pet dog's grave. "I don't think-"
"Well, I do," Kurt interrupts. "And I think it's about time we try something a little more… risqué."
"We want something people can relate to, Kurt," Blaine says sweetly.
Kurt grins back dangerously. "And you believe we're gonna do that with 'California Gurls', Blaine?"
Blaine blushes slightly and holds his notes closer to his chest.
"Lady Gaga is a visionary," Kurt says. "And her songs are well known. It'd give us a great upper hand with the judges."
"By singing about bondage? Or stalking? Or maybe about getting our asses squeezed by sexy cupid?"
"I like Ke$ha."
Kurt and Blaine both turn their deathly glares at Greg, who visibly shrinks in his seat. "Just sayin'," he mutters.
The rest of the Warblers are all shifting awkwardly, except for David, who is still watching the scene with barely-concealed glee and Wes, who looks close to either shouting or breaking down in tears. His worst nightmare is coming true; Warbler practice is being disturbed. He clutches his gavel, but it provides little comfort. His master plan is slipping from his grasp, turning on its creator like Frankenstein's monster (he assumes. He hasn't actually read the book or seen any of the movies).
Why does he have ideas?
"I'm just saying that no one is going to take us seriously once the line 'cherry-cherry boom-boom' is uttered," Blaine is saying loudly (not shouting, never shouting, because he is a gentleman after all).
"And I'm saying that Katy Perry is a second rate artist who's been given far too much attention in this choir room," Kurt shouts (because he is not a gentleman, and thus has no qualms about it).
"Enough," Wes cries and bangs his gavel as hard as he can against the table.
"Now look at what you did," Blaine says accusingly to Kurt as Wes whimpers.
"What I did?" Kurt growls. "This whole thing never would have even started if you weren't a terrible roommate!"
"There we go," David mutters.
"I'm a terrible roommate?" Blaine exclaims. "I'm not the one who wakes people up at freaking six in the morning by blasting dance music in their ears."
"I only did that because you wouldn't stop playing Katy fucking Perry while I was trying to concentrate on my French homework! And at least I've never deleted all your ringtones and replaced them with hundred different recordings of the chorus from 'Peacock'!"
"Well, I don't go around everywhere singing about wanting to take a ride on your discostick!"
Kurt scoffs. "In your teenage dreams."
Wes tries to bang his broken gavel stick, but it is less than effective. Faced with his failure, he collapses on the table and buries his face in his arms.
"Okay, this is officially no longer fun to watch," David announces, catching everyone's attention. "Kurt, Blaine, please go to the nearest broom closet with your petty differences and sexual tension and don't come back to practice until you solve them. Wes is this close to crying, and I really don't want to be the one to have to comfort him."
Blaine looks vaguely embarrassed at having his childish behavior called out on, but Kurt sets his jaw.
"Fine," he says and storms out of the room, his unbuttoned blazer billowing behind him. It's actually quite impressive.
It takes Blaine about two seconds to follow. "Kurt, wait!"
David pats Wes' back, clearly satisfied with himself. Then he frowns. "Wait, did I just lose twenty bucks?"
BY SINGING ABOUT PAGE BREAKS
In the end it is surprisingly simple. Blaine chases Kurt back to their room, where they have a nice little shouting match (well, Kurt shouts. Blaine mostly stays quiet and takes it, now that his own honor is at stake rather than Miss Perry's).
Then one of them jumps the other (they still refuse to say who initiated the first move, which makes just about every bet Wes took null and void) and just like that, the tension is relieved. For the rest of the semester everything is right at Dalton, no one mentions Katy Perry or Lady Gaga again, and Kurt and Blaine finally learn to live comfortably together (perhaps a little too comfortably, but hey, it's keeping Kurt bitch-free so no one's complaining).
After much mourning, Wes finally moves on and gets a new gavel. After all, as David argues, the old one couldn't possibly have died for a nobler cause than finally getting Kurt and Blaine to shut up and make out.
All in all, it's a happy ending for all involved.
Even Greg, though he didn't get to do his Ke$ha number.