|A Certain Crazy Christmas Special
Author: Franchise PM
A new threat has come to Academy city and once again it's up to Touma to save the day. The only difference is that it's Christmas time and that his opponent is...Santa Claus?Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Words: 9,549 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 48 - Follows: 8 - Published: 12-26-10 - Status: Complete - id: 6594253
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
T'was the day before Christmas
And all through Academy City
Not a creature was stirring
Not even Sphinx the kitty
The same could not be said for all people
More specifically a certain young man
Better known to most folks as Touma
He was in fact quite angry as he ran
His fist was clenched tight
For he had a fight to pick
He was looking to punch out
A guy named Saint Nick.
It was quite a peculiar sight
To see his face looking so sour
To understand the strange situation
Let us go back in time one hour
"Be patient Index. You ate some food a little while ago"
Kamijou Touma sighed. He had really thought that his misfortune might have decided to take a holiday. And for a few precious hours it looked like it was true. But alas it was not meant to be. The bus ticket he had gotten for his trip home to visit his family had somehow gotten mixed with another ticket going to a completely different city. A freak snowstorm had hit Academy City with no warning preventing him from be able to exchange it in time. Stuck here now, he had went out to get food to make a Christmas dinner only to find all the major stores already closed. He finally found a place open but then immediately lost half of his purchased food after he slipped on a patch of ice heading back home. Finally he had made it back home but was struggling to get the turkey to cook due to his oven being on the fritz again.
A normal person would have probably contemplated suicide after so many bad events happening, especially at Christmas time. For Touma it was business as usual unfortunately.
Just as he managed to finally getting the oven to turn on, he felt a familiar sensation of pain hit the side of his head. So use to the feeling by now he was actually able to go on cooking for a few moments while the young nun gnawed on his head.
"Index, please stop biting me" he requested.
"No. I'm hungry" Index's muffled voice came back.
"I know that Index but this kind of meal takes a while to cook. I'm doing it as fast as I can"
Index released her teeth and dropped to the floor but was still mad and glaring. "Touma is nothing but a big old mean Grinch!"
Touma just gave the girl a questioning look.
"You left me alone all day, there is nothing to eat, and you hide away all of my Christmas presents!"
"I did that because you would have opened them the second I was gone"
Index did not want to admit that he was right so she choose to pout more, "Touma…"
"Alright. There's a box of chocolates hidden behind the couch. Go eat those to tide you over"
"Yay" Index cheered as she raced for the couch.
Touma watched the happy expression on the girl's face for a moment before turning back to the food. Living with that girl could be a hassle, the holidays no exception. Still he couldn't really be too hard on her. After all the previous events in her life, she didn't actually have any Christmas memories before now. Granted the same could be said for Touma himself but the boy did have the habit of worrying about other people first.
"I'll just have to make sure this Christmas is very special for her" he muttered to himself, "Now, where did I put that cookbook?"
Index had just managed to pull out the chocolates when she suddenly heard a strange thump coming from the balcony. Walking over she peered and was shocked to find a stranger standing there. Except it wasn't really a stranger. Countless decorations, TV specials, and people on street corners asking for money made this person recognizable in a heartbeat.
"Touma, it's Santa" Index cried out.
"That's nice Index" Touma muttered not really paying attention to what she was saying "Why do these books have to use such weird measurements for the ingredients?"
Index continued to study the person on the balcony. Everything about him seemed to be authentically perfect. The costume with boots belt and hat, the large round belly, even the white hair and beard looked real. "Are you the real Santa Claus?" she finally asked.
The old man let out a joyful chuckle as his eyes twinkled, "Yes Index. There is a Santa Claus and I am him"
"You know my name?" Index's voice was filled with awe.
"Of course I do. How could I not know the special little girl who holds the 103,000 grimoires? Also you were at the top of my nice list this year"
"I was? I mean of course I was"
"That's right. And a special reward my toy sack is filled with special yummy treats all for you"
Santa let his large sack drop beside him the top which was opened a bit. If Index's eyes could get any wider they would have fallen out and had been rolling around like marbles. She dove straight for the bag and began digging into it.
"I'm not seeing the treats Santa" Index said after searching for a full minute.
"Oh they are there darling. They must have just gotten buried at the bottom"
"Hey Index, what kind of Christmas special are you watching on TV?" Touma asked finally looking back from the kitchen.
Touma stared in shock at Santa. Santa stared back. Slowly the man's expression from jolly old soul to thief caught in the act. He further proved this point by quickly booting Index in her rear end knocking her completely into the bag, sealing it up again and throwing it over his back.
"What's going on?" Touma finally yelled out.
"Here's the deal kid" Santa spoke in a now much more gruff tone, "I'm sick of giving gifts to little brats all year long. So this year Santa is goanna give some gifts to himself this year. And on the top my list is all the magical knowledge this girl has. So no hard feelings and have a Merry Christmas. Ho Ho Ho"
And with that Santa turned and leapt off the balcony with Index in tow. Touma raced over just in time to see Santa land on the ground and take off running at a surprising speed for one so obese.
"I don't believe this. Index was just kidnapped, again, by Santa Claus?"
Touma stood there for a full minute trying to grasp the absurdity of the situation. Two minutes later he was still confused but had the sense to run out of his apartment and after the festive kidnapper. Another three minutes later his oven started working again and promptly burnt his turkey to a crisp.
As he turned a corner and raced down the street, Touma's cell phone rang. Without even thinking on it, he turned it on as he kept running.
"Seasons Greetings Kami-yan!" A voice loudly proclaimed from the phone.
"Tsuchimikado?" Touma asked as he heard the voice of his friend, "Now is really not a good time"
"Oh Sorry. Just figured I give you a holiday call and also just warn you about the rogue magician that was spotted in town that's dressed like Santa"
That news brought Touma to a fast halt. "Wait hold on. I think I just saw that a guy a few minutes ago. Tell me everything you know about him. What's his name?"
"I am being serious Kami-yan. His sorcery name is SantaH0H0H0 or just Santa for short," Tsuchimikado explained, "The guy is a bit of oddity with regards to magicians. He has the magical ability to have control and cast anything directly relating to the holiday, Christmas magic if you will. But his magic will only work during Christmas time"
"Really funny, I know. The guy even looks the part perfectly hence the name. Anyway long story short, he was constantly ridiculed and teased because of all this, finally snapped after a really bad milk and cookies joke, went crazy believing he really is Santa and became a renegade magician who usually pops up somewhere at Christmas time to cause mischief or steal stuff"
Touma took a minute to let this all sink in, "What's the best way for me to stop him?"
"Honestly it's best just to not bother with the guy. He's really powerful and dangerous right now but he will lose all his abilities in a few days time. Just ignore if you see him and he will be gone soon enough"
"I can't do that! He's already stole Index!"
"In that case you're in trouble. You really should keep a leash on that girl considering how often you lose her"
"Look I need to track this guy down and get Index back. Can you help me?"
"I'm really sorry buddy. I'm very busy at the moment"
"Doing what?" Touma demanded. Suddenly he picked up on a lot of background noise coming from the connection, "Wait, are you at a party or something?"
"No" Tsuchimikado quickly lied as he took a sip of champagne.
Even though he was at a high class formal event, the young man still had his trademark shades and Hawaiian shirt on. He looked around at the other mingling guests most specifically Aleister Crowley who was currently floating upside down in a giant tube of eggnog while telling amusing stories to his guests. Tsuchimikado held his hand over his phone to block out the polite laughter.
"You see Kami-yan, I'm out of town spending time with my family for the holidays"
Touma blinked in surprise at the response. "Hold on a moment. If you're out of town then how come I saw your sister hanging out at your apartment a little while ago?"
"Oh well…gee look at the time. Got to go, Merry X-mas, Happy New year. Bye"
The phone clicked off leaving Touma in dismay. "Well that was no help. Hmm, I wonder if Stiyl is anywhere nearby"
Stiyl Magnus was not in town.
No he was somewhere much worse
He was sadly stuck in London
Dealing with his very own curse
He had been assigned a dangerous mission
The evilest possible during this time of Yule
Currently Stiyl really hated his lot in life
Serving as Laura Stuart's personal pack mule
"Come along Stiyl" the archbishop said politely as she walked down the busy street with just a small purse in her hands.
Stiyl slowly staggered behind the girl with eight very full shopping bags being carried on each of his arms.
"I'm almost done my Christmas shopping. We just need to go to the bath accessories store now" The young looking woman turned around and gave Stiyl a serene smile, "Please be prepared to light people on fire if they take the last item of something I want"
Stiyl would have verbally protested such an action but could not right now as his mouth was being used to hold up four more shopping bags. Instead all he could do was slowly nod and follow along.
Touma was learning something very important. Finding someone who was fat, had a white beard, and was dressed in a red suit was easy. That is if it was June. During this time of year, you would run into one every couple of minutes and he had already made several errors of mistaken identity looking for his thief.
Unbeknownst to him Santa was actually watching his progress from a nearby rooftop. He frowned as he realized that the young man seemed to have no attention of stopping his hunt.
"Oh my. Santa is never going to finish stealing all the gifts he wants if that young man keeps trying to follow him. I think I better call on a few helpers to keep him busy"
With a quick wave of his hands, Santa summoned a large group of midget people with pointy ears noses, and dressed in all green tunic outfits.
"Now go forth my elf minions. Bring forth chaos and anxiety wherever you go and keep annoying people like that guy down there off my back!"
The elves let out a cheer as they all spread out to follow their master's orders.
Touma turned another corner his eyes searching everywhere. "Come on. Where is he?" he growled.
Had his eyes managed to stay focused in front of him, Touma might have noticed the girl there before he collided with her.
"Hey watch where you are going. Kamijou?"
Touma gulped as he realized he had bumped into the one person he did not really had time to deal with today. Standing before with a winter coat over her usual school uniform was the iron wall girl herself Fukiyose Seiri.
"Sorry about that…" Touma started to apologize.
"You should be!" Fukiyose interrupted, "Delinquent actions like running around like crazy can cause serious accidents during this time of year. Also, why are you outside without a jacket on? You could catch a serious cold!"
The class rep leaned forward a bit causing her large sized assets to bounce a bit. She placed her hand on Touma's forehead to check.
"You seem to be okay for now" Fukiyose muttered as she dug into her bag and passed out a health drink bottle into his hands. "Take this. It's full of nutrients and will help ward off the flu"
"Oh well thanks I…"
Just above the two was a speaker that had various holiday tunes playing from it. Just then it shorted out while in the middle of Frosty the Snowman and began playing a different tune.
"You're an evil one Mr. Touma. Always the unsavoury perv. You spy while they're changing; you grope them when they're nude, Mr. Touma. I wouldn't let that hand of yours touch any ladies' curve"
"What was that?" Fukiyose asked as she glanced up at the speaker and then back at Touma with a suspicious look.
"Bad acoustics?" Touma suggested with a nervous laugh.
The young man's eyes suddenly widened as he spied something directly behind his classmate. There were two elves charging towards them, each one with brass knuckles over their hands. Reacting on instincts, he shoved Seiri out as the first elf leapt forward and hit the creature in midair with a punch from his right hand.
The second that touch was established, Imagine Breaker kicked in and the elf vanished from existence. At the sight of this the second elf froze in his tracks and then performed a very cowardly yet still smart retreat.
"Why did you do that?" Fukiyose asked in a menacing voice as she pulled herself back up to her feet.
Touma glanced over at his classmate and immediately regretted it. Apparently when he shoved her, Fukiyose's jacket became opened. Also she had landed face first in a pile of snow. Very cold, very damp snow as evident by the fact that Seiri was now shivering and her white shirt was starting to turn transparent and reveal a lot more of her chest.
"Gee look at the time. Got to go, Merry X-mas, Happy New year. Bye"
"Hey get back here!"
Touma ignored the shout as he focused all his attention on chasing after the other elf. The elf for his part helped out by mocking Touma constantly teasing him and letting him catch up for a bit only to increase speed once more. The chase probably could have lasted till Christmas day itself had the elf not rounded a corner and ran into a shock.
He actually ran into several thousands of volts to be more precise.
Touma followed a moment later to see the twitching smouldering husk of the elf being stepped on by a certain well known Railgun, Misaka Mikoto.
"You!" She called out as she recognized him.
"Biri Biri!" Touma shouted back.
"Have you seen Santa?"
"Have you seen Santa?"
Both of them blinked in surprise as they asked the same question simualteniously.
"You're after him too?" Touma asked.
Mikoto glanced down at the twitching elf, "He stole a bunch of presents from my dormitory. You?"
"He stole Index. Come on, he has to be nearby"
Touma started to run again but then stopped when he realized Mikoto wasn't following him. He turned back to see her standing there with an angry look on her and various sparks coming off her body.
"So that's how it is. It's not bad enough that you have that girl by your side pretty much every time I run into you but now you need to spend the holidays with her as well? You barely see other people like me around but even then it's always still about her, isn't it?"
"Well, it's kind of complicated" Touma tried to explain.
The ringing of a cell phone quickly became a Christmas miracle for Touma as it distracted Mikoto from trying to fry him.
"What?" she yelled into her phone, "Kuroko? You found him? Where? Okay, wait for me. No don't hang up"
Mikoto shut her phone off and glanced over at Touma, "He's in the 34th district, five blocks from here. Move it"
Kuroko stared down the face of pure evil. She wasn't fool by the beard or the twinkle. This was the enemy and she wouldn't stop until the fat man was taken down.
"And what would you like for Christmas little girl?" Santa asked.
"You begging for mercy at my feet"
"Ho Ho Ho, I don't think that's going to happen" Santa then noticed the judgement armband on her jacket, "You're not going to arrest Santa Claus now are you?"
"I am going to destroy you!" Kuroko screamed, "I will make you forever regret the day that you stole the special present I bought for onee-sama!"
Santa rubbed his beard trying to remember. "Oh yes that present. I must say that gift was very inappropriate for a young lady to give to her friend. I'm afraid I'm going to have to put you down on the naughty list this year"
"Like I care what list I'm on! Nothing so trivial will ever stop my admiration and love for my onee-sama!"
"That was very touching. Now please move out of my way. We both know you can't do anything to harm me"
In the time it took Santa to stay that last sentence Kuroko had already teleported several metal spikes into her hands and then teleported them into several points along his chest.
"You were saying?" Kuroko asked with a confident grin.
"Yes, I believe I was" was Santa's cold response as all the spikes fell off his body and landed harmlessly on the ground.
"Not if you have a belly like a bowl full of jelly it isn't"
Said appendix began to quiver and jiggle a bit causing a grossed out look to form on the girl's face.
"I'm not done yet" Kuroko yelled as she vanished from sight.
Kuroko reappeared of the left side of Santa and threw a hard kick at his head only for Santa to catch it with his gloved hand without even looking. Eyes widened in fright as Santa tightened his grip causing pain to shot through her leg. He slowly turned around keeping the smile on his face the whole time.
"I can sense children all over the world. Keeping track of your movements is quite easy compared to that"
Before Kuroko could try and teleport away, Santa lifted the girl upside down by her foot and dropped her into his waiting toy sack sealing it up once more.
"Like this will hold me for long. Huh? How come my powers are not working in here?"
"It is a mystical bag of holding" Index explained from beside her, "Developed by magicians to hold an endless supply of items before the concept of garage sales was formed. The inside forms a self adjusting pocket space to hold items along with a protective barrier to prevent items or abilities from being used inside of it. The barrier is impossible to break except from an outside source"
"Oh it's you" Kuroko said as she recognized the other person trapped in the smelly sack with her, "This is just perfect. If you're here then that means that man will probably show up"
"Hold it Santa!" A male voice shouted from outside.
"Yup and there goes my happy holidays" Kuroko grumbled.
Outside of the bag, Touma and Mikoto had managed to catch up with the magician.
"Where's Kuroko?" Misaka demanded.
"Onee-sama, you've come to rescue me! I'm in here" Kuroko's voice sounded out from the bag, "I also have your Christmas present!"
"Not now Kuroko"
"Index, are you still in there too?" Touma called out.
"Touma, don't trust Santa. The treats are a lie!"
"Yeah I kind of figured that out already"
"Is Christmas dinner ready yet?"
"Not now Index"
Santa roughly dropped the sack on to the ground behind him. "Little girls in sacks should not be seen or heard. After all you don't want to interrupt these two lovebirds on their date"
"What?" Touma, Mikoto, Index and Kuroko all protested at the same time.
Santa went on, "The two of you look so perfect together. A young couple walking together by themselves on a snowy Christmas Eve, looking for the perfect spot to make confessions and share precious memories. In fact, Santa has just the thing to make it even more special for the two of you"
Reaching into his robes Santa pulled out a piece of mistletoe and held it out in front of the two.
"Now pucker up and…" Santa suddenly dodged to the side as the plant was obliterated courtesy of a rail gun blast.
Mikoto glared at Santa face her clearly blushed red (which she would later claim was due to the heat of battle), "Enough" she growled.
Touma got his fist ready as well causing Santa to shake his head in disappointment. "Kids these days, they are always so quick to resort to violence. But if that's the game you two want to play…"
Santa held up one at his hands causing several icicle shaped ornaments to appear above it and shoot forwards like missiles. Before they got anywhere close though every single one of them was blasted into dust by electricity. Santa flicked his other hand causing a tidal wave of snow to snow to appear but Touma stepped up protectively in front of Mikoto and used his hand to prevent either of them from getting touched by a single flake.
Santa actually frowned for a brief moment. "Oh my, you two are powerful. You're going to give Santa quite a workout"
"Stop fooling around already" Mikoto yelled as she charged forward the most amount of electricity possible coursing though her hand.
Santa took a step back and quickly lifted up the sack in front of him like a shield. Mikoto immediately paused in her attack not wanting to take the chance of hurting the people inside. That was all the time Santa needed as he suddenly swung the sack into the girl's chest sending her flying into a nearby decorated bush. As Mikoto tried to pull herself out she suddenly found her body was tangled up in the lights on the bush.
"That's one" Santa said before stepping to the side as Touma tried to punch him in the head.
Touma was relentless, his anger for what had happen to Index and now Mikoto fuelling him on. He kept up with the punches never letting up for an instance pushing Santa back further and further until his red coat was pressed up against a wall. With one last yell he threw his fist forward…only to have it collide and get stuck in a giant sized snowball that appeared in front of Santa.
Santa quickly leapt over the boy as he struggled to get free, quite relieved that he had managed to get that spell off at the last second. As he landed he turned his attention back to Mikoto. The level 5 esper was starting to get free but it was slow going. Her powers were not much help either as all they did was keeping causing the lights to blink on and off in a colourful fashion.
"Quite pretty but I think this decoration is missing one very important thing" Santa chuckled as he raised his hands and cast another spell.
Mikoto was too busy getting the last of the lights off to notice what Santa had done but Touma did. With all his strength he wretched his arm out of the icy prison and ran. He barely gave Santa a second glance as he moved past him heading towards Mikoto.
"Look out" he yelled.
Just then Mikoto noticed a large shadow appearing over her. Her head moved to look up when suddenly Touma slammed into her shoving her out of the way right before a twenty five foot tall Christmas tree landed on top of him.
"Touma!" Mikoto screamed as the tree slammed into the ground sending a pile of snow into the air temporarily blinding her. As it settled she was shocked to see the tree lying flat across the street with Touma pinned underneath it and unconscious. Kneeling down she quickly checked to make sure he was still breathing. Her concern for him was only broken when she heard the laughter coming from behind her.
"Now don't be angry" Santa told Mikoto as she got up and gave him a look of pure hatred "I did warn the two of you about violence"
Across the city a flash of lighting was seen for a split second in the sky and everything electronic device within a mile radius of the location suddenly stopped working.
Mikoto was still silent as she used her abilities to gather iron particals which she quickly changing them into the shape of a dangerous looking whip sword.
"Gee look at the time" Santa said as he turned to flee with his sack only to come face to face with another sword being pointed at him.
"SantaH0H0H0, you are ordered to cease in your criminal activities and surrender by order of Necessarius" Kanzaki Kaori stated sternly.
"Ah yes the infamous saint. What a pleasure to meet you in person" Santa's quickly looked over the tall woman from her face to her long black hair to her breasts. Santa's attention quickly went back to the girl's face as Kaori used her blade to lightly tilt his head back up, "Well now surely we can talk this over. It's just a big misunderstanding"
A flash of metal caught Santa's eyes and suddenly the very bottom of his beard fell off. However it had not been Kaori that had made the attack as a purple haired girl with a large spear suddenly appeared beside her.
Itsuwa stared at Santa for a moment before glancing over at where Touma was unconscious and then back at Santa once more.
"You hurt him. Therefore I shall break you" she stated in a calm yet creepy voice.
Santa took a few hesitant steps back only to hear the sound of sniffling. Turning around again he looked down to see Tsukuyomi Komoe staring back at him with hurt filled eyes.
"Why are you being so cruel Santa?" the tiny teacher asked as a few tears slipped from her face, "Why did you have to hurt one of my precious students?"
Before Santa could even try to bullshit an explanation for his actions, he was interrupted by another voice.
"You should give up now Misaka says disappointed that she is the last to arrive"
Misaka Imouto aka clone number 10032 was standing in front of Santa's only remaining escape route. As always she looked identical to the original Misaka with a few key differences such as the goggles on her head or the candy cane stripped underwear under her skirt. Also today there was the fact that she was carrying a large assault rifle trained right on Santa's head.
"Ho Ho hold it! Where the hell do you girls keep coming from?" he shouted finally getting ticked off by all this.
All of the new arrivals had actually been a) out looking for a Christmas gift to give to a certain unconscious boy or b) in the process of delivering a gift to him. However none of them were willing to admit that fact in front of potential love rivals.
Santa's gaze swept in a circle looking over all the various threats, "None of you are going to stop this are you?"
In response each girl just tightened her grip on her weapon. Komoe sensei even cracked her tiny knuckles.
"Fine then" Santa spat out as he summoned two giant sized candy canes into his hands and twirled them around like hooks, "Have at thee!"
The five girls all yelled out and charged forward at Santa.
"We have a 97% chance of victory working together Misaka states confidently"
- Ten minutes later -
"There may have been a slight miscalculation Misaka says clearly embarrassed and also nervous"
With incredible dual wielding skills, acrobatics that should not have been possibly for anyone that was fat, and a few well timed cheap tircks, Santa had somehow managed to defeat everyone except for the young clone. And even now 10032's chances did not look good as her gun had already been magically changed into a toy one and a large holiday wreath was around her body pinning her arms to her side. Santa stomped over with a few scratches and scuff marks on his suit but otherwise no worse for the wear. Without a word he picked her up and tossed her into the bag alongside all the other defeated girls.
"Finally, that's all of them"
Santa turned and started to head off only to find another girl standing there in front of him.
"Where did you come from?"
Himegami Aisa gave a cold look at the magician, "I've been standing here the whole time"
"Really? I didn't notice you there"
"Yeah it happens" Himegami admitted.
"Well let's make something very clear. Santa is beyond pissed off right now. I just had to fight off several dangerous people and that pink haired brat kicked me really hard in the shins. So why don't you show some common sense, be a good girl and just get in the damn sack!"
Realizing that compared to everyone else she didn't have much of a chance, Himegami slowly nodded and stepped into the sack, Santa quickly closing it behind her. As soon as she was inside, she found herself stuffed in a very tight pile along with the other girls.
"Hey that's my hair"
"Misaka would like this elbow out of her face Misaka says with clear annoyance"
"Onee-sama let me comfort you"
"Onee-sama, did you get a boob job? They're like giant melons!"
"That's not me Kuroko"
"Let go of my chest right now!"
"Well it could be worse kids. At least we're all spending Christmas together"
Himegami was starting to wonder if that boy was trying to achieve some sort of gal game record.
Things were not good as Santa left the scene
Since not a single one of the girls was free
But what about the fate of our young hero
Left behind pinned underneath the large tree
Fellow Judgment member Uiharu Kazari was currently stationed in her local office branch. He face was fully of worry as she stared at a computer screen as various reports came in on it.
"This isn't good. Reports of robberies by that thief keep pouring in and I can't locate Kuroko at all now. It's like she's completely vanished"
Standing beside her was her close friend Saten Rukio who had just shut off her cell phone. "Mikoto is not answering either. Do you think something happened to the two of them? Maybe that thief got them!"
Uiharu let out a breath she hadn't realized she had been holding. "I'm not going to take any chances. I am going to contact the other branches and request backup"
The girl began to type a flurry of commands on the computer. However just before she could hit the final enter key needed, she was distracted by the all too familiar sensation of her skirt being flipped up.
"Saten!" She cried out in embarrassment as her underwear was displayed, "This is not the time for that. Plus you said you would stop doing it until next year as a Christmas gift to me"
Her friend stared back in confusion at what had just happened, "But Uiharu, I didn't do it. Honest" She glanced down at her hands wondering if they had somehow acted on their own free will.
At that moment Uiharu's skirt was flipped up once more but Saten's skirt was also lifted up as well. Both girls whirled around and then looked down to see a pair of evil elves with outstretched hands leering and cackling at them.
"Aggggghhhhhh" both girls screamed.
The elves' attack was relentless
And thus it was sufficient to say
That no backup from Judgement
Would be coming along today
Santa formed a bright smile as he relaxed in his comfy sleigh. It had taken a while but he was back at his makeshift home after a successful trip of stealing presents. Behind him was the pile of presents that was almost ten feet tall. But even more special was the thing harnessed in front of the sleigh. Santa had gotten himself the perfect new set of eight reindeer.
Technically these were actually the girls he had managed to grab through out the day but they were close enough. After all with the new outfits Santa had magically transformed on them, they looked just like the real thing. Each girl was now wearing back hoof coloured high heel shoes, light brown fur coloured lingerie and a tiny pair of grey felt antlers on top of their heads.
One might ask why he did not use real reindeer
It probably would have been just as cool
Simply Santa didn't want to mess with PETA
He was crazy but not that much of a fool
The harness attached to each of their bare chests and attached to the sleigh magically prevented each girl from attacking or using any sort of ability to escape. So leaning back, Santa decided to call out his pets by their new names,
"Now, Glutton! Now, Loli! Now, Big Sis and Spear Girl! On, Pikachu! On, Also Pikachu! On Lesbian and Miko. Now giddy up. Giddy up all!"
In response to the cubby's men laughter, eight pairs of eyes glared back.
"What is the matter?" Santa asked in a teasing tone, "You don't seem very happy my dear reindeer. Wait I know. How silly of me to forget. We're missing someone very important"
Santa took a deep breath and started to concentrate. The spell he was going to use was powerful and would require all his magical energy to work.
"Spirits of Christmas heed my call. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Vehicles getting stuck in wintertime snow, little kids playing with the cardboard box instead of the overpriced toy, give me your strength. Bring forth the one I seek. Bring me the most famous reindeer of all!"
A swirl of red and green appeared in front of the eight girls and slowly it changed into another person dressed as a reindeer, one that Index easily recognized.
Blinking from behind her large glasses Kazakiri Hyouka was very confused. Slowly the brown haired girl slowly turned around and looked at her friend.
"Index? What's going on? Where are we?" The girl suddenly looked over her own body and cried out in embarrassment, "And what am I wearing?"
At this point Santa snapped his fingers and several of his elf minions appeared wearing choir outfits. They all took a few deep breathes before beginning to sing.
"Imaginary the big breasted reindeer had a very large bosom. And if you ever saw it…"
Well you get the idea.
As Touma came to he expected to find himself in a great deal of pain and underneath a large amount of wood. But in fact he was only a bit sore. Also his head was quite comfortable as he found it resting in someone's lap.
"Hello there" A blonde haired girl wearing a Nun's habit said kindly.
"Orsola?" Touma looked up at the familiar face still a bit out of it, "What are you doing here?"
"We found you stuck under that tree and pulled you out"
Touma looked around and saw that in addition to her Agnese Sanctis and several members of the Agnese forces were there. Each warrior nun was carrying a weapon or in some cases two.
The young man groaned and started to pull himself back to his feet. His shirt was ripped apart now and as he shook his head a good deal of pine needles fell out.
"Wait a moment. You didn't break any bones but you are injured" Orsola explained, "You need to go to a hospital"
"No time! I need to find out what happened to Index and Biri Biri!"
Touma started to move but was suddenly cut off by Agnese. The braided hair girl gave him a scary look as she pointed her lotus wand at him.
"Stop right there Kamijou Touma. You have information we want and you will not move an inch until you provide us with it"
"About what? No wait don't tell me. Santa"
"Santa" the nuns echoed with anger in their voices.
"What did he steal from you guys?"
"Nothing" Agnese replied.
The leader of the forces scoffed at Touma, "You have no reason to act so surprised. We are an elite force easily able to fight off an attack by an insane magician. No we are after that man for what he represents. He is the symbol of the evil commercialization of this holiday that drives all meaning away from its true religious roots. He must be stopped before he can contaminate this world any longer and that is why we have joined forces. Religious justice shall prevail!"
"Wait a second, I though we were after this guy because he stole all our underwear" Sister Angelene suddenly spoke up from the attack group.
Sister Lucia turned and glared at her, "Shut up about that" she hissed
The winter wind then began to pick up causing all the nuns to shiver and to place their hands on their skirts in order to make sure they didn't blow up.
"Just tell me if you know where that fat bastard went" Agnese ordered though chattering teeth.
"I was unconscious at the time. I didn't see him, sorry"
"Curses" Agnese cursed, "All right forces. Spread out and search every inch of this city for that demon in red. We won't rest until we find him"
"Can we at least pick up some leg warmers on the way?" One nun asked.
Various grumbles and sneezes of protest were heard as the nuns spread out to continue their search. Orsola stayed behind a few more moments to talk to Touma.
"You know I suggested that we should stake out the North Pole but no one liked my idea. After all, this magician thinks he is Santa so he will go back there sooner or later. I wonder if penguins get jealous of all the attention the North Pole gets over the South Pole. One of my pairs of underwear that was stolen had a picture of a cute penguin on it. Still a trap based on the man's eccentrics would make more sense"
"Wait, that's it!" Touma suddenly shouted.
"The penguins?" Orsola asked in confusion.
"No. I know where that guy went to"
Most of Academy city's stores had closed early for the holidays including the City's largest three stories tall toy story. Naturally since it was the largest store it also had the most elaborate Santa's village display in its center open court area. And if one for some odd reason broke into the closed store at this point they would see an especially realistic live elf choir performance.
"Two genetically identical girls and a pigtailed stalker in a pear tree" the elves finished singing horribly off key.
Various complaints of the singing and demands to make it stop came from all the reindeer as the tune ended.
"What is the point of this?" Kaori growled at Santa, "You can not keep us here forever. Your magic will wear out in a few days and you'll be powerless to stop any of us then.
"Ho Ho Ho, you are correct Big Sis. But it won't matter because by then all of you will be loyally serving me"
Santa chuckled from the sleigh. "You see my dears, each of these songs has a hypnotic suggestion spell built into it compelling you to serve me. It will grow stronger with each carol until you can no longer resist and will openly declare Santa as your lord and master!"
"You're mad. Such a type of spell could never affect me" Kaori argued.
"You're confident now but let's see how strong your conviction is after the ten hour concert. Plus I don't think all your little friends here can last that long as well"
Himegami struggled not to cry from the audio torture that was being inflicted upon her ears. When she secretly hoped that she would get more attention as a Christmas gift this year, this was not what she had in mind.
Komoe sensei pretty much looked to be already out of it "This is why I refused to teach primary students" she kept repeating like a broken record.
Itsuwa had not been affected by the music much yet as she was too distracted. She had calmed down from her destroy the person who hurt Touma mode and had since switched into full out embarrassment. She had been defeated easily and was now stuck in the most humiliating outfit imaginable. Worse of all she right next to her sempai Kaori who was in the exact same outfit and looked much better in it then she did. Even if Touma did manage to somehow get here, he would probably not even notice her. Yeah the girl might have been suffering from a minor bit of jealousy as well.
Index was ticked off at the moment. As it turns out when her brain was being turned into a magical Wikipedia nobody had thought to include a volume on holiday type magic or the methods for countering it. Therefore she was forced to rely on her secondary superpower and was currently biting at her harness in order to free herself.
It was a very slow process and also not very tasty.
Kazakiri was still rightfully confused at how she had even ended up here in the first place and wasn't much help at the moment.
Kuroko kept rubbing her eyes. For some bizarre reason there were two one-samas in front of her. They each had the exact same looks and same clothing making it impossible to tell which one was really her beloved.
"I must be hallucinating" she finally admitted.
"Yeah you're absolutely right Kuroko" The Misaka on the left quickly said.
"You are definitely hallucinating Misaka says hoping the girl will buy it"
"Now then girls, what do you want to hear next?" Santa asked clapping his hands in delight, "How about I saw the reindeer kissing Santa Claus?"
All the reindeer shuddered at the though of that one.
"Misaka would like to suggest Jingle Bells please Misaka says as Misaka politely asks"
Santa and his elves were all completely shocked
As somehow a stranger had gotten past their border
But instead of some fearsome brand new opponent
There was only an adorable little girl called Last Order
The administrator of the Misaka network was wearing her own small Santa hat and was dressed up in a red dress. She stared in amazement at begin next to the one and only Santa Claus before looking back over to one of the girls.
"Thank you Misaka 10032 for informing the network of Santa's location Misaka says as Misaka bows her head in thanks"
"You're welcome Misaka replies secretly wondering what took her so damn long to get here"
Before Santa could do anything the child jumped up into his lap.
"For Christmas this year Misaka would like a pretty dolly Misaka says as Misaka is confident that she was a good girl this year"
"Of course sweetie but Santa is a bit busy at the moment"
"I also want a bicycle, new clothes, some candy, a pair of cool looking goggles, and a pony Misaka goes on as Misaka serves as an excellent distraction"
"Seriously kid, get lost now or Santa will…wait. Distraction?"
A loud explosion suddenly drew everyone's attention
As a door flew back into the store, completely rejected
To all their shock another person in a Santa suit had entered
A hero was here but definitely not the one that was expected
The second Santa was definitely different, slim not fat.
Not to mention that he was slowly walking with a cane
But the biggest feature was the crazy look upon his face
That just screamed out you're in for a huge amount of pain
Further proving this fact was the second Santa ripping off his fake beard and hat fully revealing Accelerator's entire face.
"Why did you make me dress up in this stupid outfit you pipsqueak?" He roared out at Last Order.
The 20,001st clone hopped off Santa and headed back over towards Accelerator. Just as she arrived by his side, she stuck out her tongue.
"Misaka did not make you put on that outfit said Misaka as Misaka thinks he is being silly"
"You hid all of my other clothes and only left this in my closet" Accelerator argued back.
"You should not worry about minor details and stop being a scrooge replies Misaka as Misaka nods her head wisely"
"I'm very ticked off right now" the strongest level 5 grumbled as his eyes focused on Santa, "and you're the perfect person to take my aggression out on!"
"Now now" Santa chuckled nervously, "You don't want to do that to Santa Claus. After all Christmas is a time for peace and goodwill towards men"
Accelerator stared in confusion at the fat man, "You have no idea who the hell I am, do you?" he finally asked.
Santa growled back, "So what if I don't boy. My magical power over Christmas makes me invincible during this time of year. All these other people here already tried to stop me and failed. What makes you think that you will be any different?"
The white haired boy let out an evil laugh. "Christmas? You think the power of Christmas is anywhere close to my abilities? You're even more stupid then you look. Go call Halloween, Easter, and Arbour Day to come give you some backup. That way you might be able to survive for a couple of minutes. Then again I'm not that patient so guess what fatso? You better watch out and you better start to cry. Pout all you want, I'll tell you why. Because…"
"Santa Accelerator is coming to take you out yelled Misaka as Misaka finishes the badass boost"
"Shut up and get behind me" Accelerator ordered.
"Warriors of Christmas to me" Santa shouted.
The choir elves got into battle formation along with several more of their brethren appearing by their sides. But that was not all. In additional to the elves several broom wielding snowman, gingerbread men, and giant sized nutcrackers with real working guns all appear by their flanks. Accelerator's grin only got wider at the ever increasing army. This had been the kind of Christmas he had been hoping for.
To call the ensuing conflict a holiday massacre would be an understatement. Vector arrow was in full force creating tremors along the floor and redirecting bullets so the nutcrackers ended up doing headshots to their own fellow soldiers. Accelerator also turned his powers on the various toys in the stores. Frisbees turned into spinning buzz saws that cut off various elf limbs. Snowmen broke apart from tiddlywinks and checkers shooting through them in a style to Mikoto's own rail gun attack. And the less said about the destruction left behind from the super bouncy balls the better. Long story short: Accelerator was easily wiping the floor with everyone and Santa was only keeping him back by constantly summoning replacement minions.
Last Order stood off to the side of the carnage easily decentralized to it all as she alternated between cheering for Accelerator and munching on some yummy popcorn she had found. Suddenly she let out a small gasp as a gingerbread man with a butcher knife slowly advanced towards her. Accelerator saw the attack out of the corner of his eye but before he do anything about another figure ran in and punched the tasty snack creature out of existence.
"Touma!" Eight of the nine captive girls called out while the ninth muttered a threat about staying away from her onee-samas.
"Hey that was my kill" Accelerator yelled out.
Touma glanced over at Accelerator and quickly clamped his mouth shut to prevent himself from laughing out loud. He already had one Santa to face today and didn't need a second one trying to kill him.
"Let's settle this you imposter" Touma yelled
Santa glared. "What did you just call me?"
"You heard me. You may have been assigned the name, you may have been mocked and ridiculed for it but you have done nothing to earn it! You don't bring happiness to good children by giving out presents; you do the complete opposite and steal for your own selfish gains. Face it magician. You are nothing but a crazy old coot hiding behind a facade. You are not Santa and I'm going to shatter the illusion that you have anything to do with this holiday!"
It was said that the hatred that Santa had for heroic speeches grew three times larger that day.
As for the reindeer, they were totally enthralled by Touma's words. Well that or the fact that they clearly make out the young man's bare muscular chest. It was definitely one or the other.
Touma made a side glance at Accelerator. A moment of silence and the esper nodded in agreement. Suddenly the two heroes moved as one charging right into the middle enemy forces wiping out anything in their paths on a beeline straight for the fake Santa.
"Old Santa grows tired of these stupid games. Therefore while you two boys continue to play, I think I'll take my reindeer and go retire to some nice tropical island. See yeah losers!"
A quick sprinkling of Christmas dust and the girls found their own bodies suddenly being lifted up into the air along with the sleigh. Each of them tried to struggle against it but it was no use. The craft was flying straight up at a remarkable speed heading towards a large now opened skylight at the top of the building.
Touma growled. There were still a large number of enemies in his path and the sleigh had already risen to a height that he would not be able to reach.
"Accelerator" he suddenly yelled as he indicated a nearby item.
Accelerator looked and quickly realized what the other boy wanted. "Heh, you're insane. Oh well, not like I care if you survive or not"
High above Santa was in much better spirits now "Now then my pets when we get to the island I want you all to get perfect tans. Therefore…"
"Get back here!"
Santa leaned over the side of the sleigh and did a double take. Touma was flying. He was flying on a snowboard. He was flying on a snowboard that had been propelled by Accelerator. The boy was now moving at a speed faster then the sleigh and was on a diagonal angle that would cause him to collide head on with his enemy.
"No. I will not be stopped now. Not when I am so close!" Santa raised both of his arms and launched his ultimate attack. "Endless rock hard Christmas fruitcake meteor shower!"
Touma did not even flinch as the deadly food items began to fall at him. Instead he jumped up off the snowboard right before the first projectile hit destroying it. To Santa's further shock Touma's feet landed on top of two of the fruitcakes which he then started to use as stepping stones. Moving from cake to cake Touma continued his ascension getting closer and closer with each second.
"This can't be happening. What…what are you?" Santa gaped as Touma made his last jump and was now flying right at him.
"I am someone who will never give up and whose fist is filled with Christmas spirit. Now have some holiday cheer!" Touma roared out as his fist collided with the man's jaw and sent him flying out of the sleigh.
Imagine Breaker took effect causing the sleigh to stop flying. The wooden structure then turned over and dumped everyone in it and attached to it back to hard floor below. Thankfully in additional to having Santa's village, this toy store also had one of the world's largest trampolines. Everyone landed on top of it and was safe after a couple of bounces. Well everyone except Santa who missed the mark by a few feet and slammed into the concrete instead. A moment after that the sleigh landed on top of him giving a guarantee that the old man would not be getting back up anytime soon.
An annoyed tick formed on Accelerator's face as all the minions had now vanished as well. "Shit. There's nothing left to fight. Let's go brat" He muttered as he turned around noticing that the girl was hesitating.
"Can we take Santa's place and go deliver presents to everyone Misaka asks as Misaka pleads with her cute face"
"Not a chance in hell!" Accelerator yelled back as he dragged the little girl out of the store with him.
Touma was sitting on the edge of the trampoline a little bit surprised. The day was over, the enemy had been defeated, and he was for once he was not critically injured. He would not be forced to stay in the hospital for the rest of the holidays. A smile quickly formed on his face. Maybe luck had decided to give him a gift after all this year.
"So Index some Christmas wasn't it?" Touma asked as he got up and stretched a bit.
The tone of Index's voice was not happy
A familiar one that gave a person dread
Touma knew that he would likely regret it
But slowly he moved turning around his head
It turned out to be much worse then he hoped
Although the sight would please many a dude
Touma right now only had a feeling of fear
As he saw all nine of the ladies in the nude
The boy had just accidently made a big mistake
One that brought him from heaven back into hell
When he had used Imagine Breaker on Santa's magic
He made their reindeer outfits disappear as well
The girls were naturally quite embarrassed and yelled out in fright
Looking around hoping to cover themselves with any kind of threads
But for a few of them, they were also filled with a great deal of fury
As visions of biting, spikes, and electrocution danced in their heads
Touma knew that this was going to hurt
Truthfully a more normal end to this day
But before any attacks could hit him
He thought of one last thing to say
"Such misfortune to me and to all a good night"