|Baby Piano Cries
Author: Nightlore PM
A musical mystery has been presented to Carter Blake. He'll have to use all of his police resources to figure it out. What he learns might set him and the others at the station free... One-shot. Dumb/random humor fic.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Carter B. & Norman J. - Words: 2,395 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 3 - Published: 01-11-11 - Status: Complete - id: 6643834
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimers/Warnings: Heavy Rain and its characters belong to Quantic Dream and any product mentioned herein is owned by their respective creators; all random events are the machinations of me.
This literary disaster is rated T for crude language, unrealistic cameos, overdone Boston accents, out-of-character happenings, and generally stupid humor.
Notes: There's not much to tell with this fic. I'm mainly publishing this due to drunkenness from a bought of insomnia and a night of an industrial trance, and simply for the fun of spamming the fandom. I was bored awhile back and went off on a random tangent because I wasn't in the mood for anything serious. There's not enough random stories in the world you know. All I can say is if you're looking for something grandiose then you're looking in the wrong place. There's also a few jokes at the expense of some particularly famous bands/celebrities and MPREG so don't read if you're a militant fan who is easily annoyed by such humor. Here's a meager tribute to Siouxsie Sioux…
Norman was out of breath by the time he'd reached Blake's desk; he was practically about to keel over as he gasped for air while his hand propped him up by resting on the smooth metal surface of the workspace.
He seemed to be full of intense joy despite his exhausted state.
"Christ, Jayden, what the hell happened to you?", Blake asked.
The federal agent's smile grew even bigger as he leaned up and held a pair of compact disc cases up to him, "I am vairy excituh'd tah say that I gaht all uhf mai Soouzie an' Tha Banscheez reck'ahds."
Carter blinked, "Huh?"
He tried to look at the album covers in hopes of clarifying what the FBI profiler was talking about but unfortunately couldn't as Norman was putting them away in a small black case.
After he finished tucking them away, Jayden smirked as he said, "I'm so ehcited I'm tentin' mai hands!"
Immediately the profiler raised and clasped his pale hands together as he subtly wiggled them back and forth with happiness; a gesture no other human being on this Earth could perform due to his precise yet simplistic movements.
Blake narrowed his eyes, "You know you look like a big fag when you do that Norm. What CDs did you get again?"
(Though he'd never admit to it Carter Blake LOVED it when Norman Jayden "tented" his hands.)
It seemed Norman was paying no attention to him as he simply kept smiling; dreaming of cultivating more Triptocaine to songs like "Green Fingers" or jumping rope while listening to "Candyman".
Jayden pulled himself out of the happy thoughts, "Well I'm gonna go tah mai office an' lisun tuh mai see-dees as I'm workin' on tha case, alright?"
Still curious about the music Norman had, Blake sternly questioned, "Wait! I'm askin' you about the CDs, asshole! What did you get?"
Unfortunately for him, the federal agent had already scuttled across the office floor like a crazed hermit crab to the closet he called an office. Blake slammed his fist on the desk, "Fuck! I have to know what the hell he was talking about! Was it Sudsey 'n' The Bad Cheese? Or Snoozey and The Banned Cheese? Dammit, Norman! You and your fuckin' accent I can only understand about 50% of the time!"
(Yes, Carter Blake LOVED his goofy accent too.)
Carter began a search on Google for the mysterious band, and though normally the famous search engine would provide suggestions as to what the user might have meant when entering a seemingly erroneous query, Google was tired of working overtime for the police lieutenant bringing up naked pictures of Sue Johanson – so the website remained silent as to revealing the true term Blake was looking for. It wasn't long before Blake was faced with the notion that he was not going to be able to identify this "Snoozey and The Banned Cheese" by a simple Google search alone.
He stood up from his chair; fully knowing what he had to do. Rather than doing the easy yet demeaning task of asking the FBI agent for answers, Carter felt it was his duty to discover the truth of the musical matter on his own.
Soon he had police forces pulling young teenagers off the streets to bring them in for questioning in hopes of getting the answers they needed.
By now the hardknock copper had terrified thousands of youths of various social standings; shouting until his veins were bulging out of his neck and spit flying into their frightened faces, but to no avail – the young men and women only giving him odd looks at the mention of the band.
Carter Blake was getting desperate; he knew he'd have to start digging deeper to get to the bottom of the mess. Due to the current circumstances of the case, Blake utilized his amazing detective skills to conclude that this band was of some strange underground nature and would only be discovered by talking to teenagers who clicked with such venues. Of course members of the Philadelphia police force only knew of one place that might house these types of youths…
…police forces began raiding Hot Topic stores through out the area.
Blake found these teenagers to be more frustrating than the average adolescents he knew. He was finding himself screaming at the top of his lungs at them almost every other statement they made, "No! I'm not asking about My Chemical Bromance or 30 Seconds to Barf or your Manson Monroe! I'm asking you little fuckers about Snoozey and The Banned Cheese! Did all that goddamn hair dye clog up your ears or are all those damn piercings blocking my voice?"
It wasn't long before they had run through every socially awkward and angry teenager, but they still had no answers. Lieutenant Carter Blake was about to give up hope when his partner lead a truly suspicious young woman into the room. Her demeanor reminded the police official of the girl he'd seen in the movie "Beetlejuice".
(Oh Winona Ryder...)
"Found this girl hanging around in a graveyard. Figured she'd be worth a try. We've already been through enough teenage stereotypes so I'm thinkin' that this is our last hope.", Ash said with an even tone.
"Yeah let's hope she's got something for us.", Blake replied with a grim outlook.
He sat down in the metal chair as he had many times before now, staring into the pasty complexion he thought, "Gee that sickly paleness looks familiar..."
The man returned his thoughts to the matter at hand as he stated, "I want to know what you can tell me about the band, Snoozey and The Banned Cheese."
Her black eyelined, brown eyes blinked a few times; looking at him as if he were Star Jones devouring a ham sandwich before the lipo proceedings began.
"...You mean Siouxsie and The Banshees."
Carter and Ash looked at each other in disbelief, feeling embarrassed at the major error and amazed at finally discovering what they were searching for.
The police lieutenant rolled his eyes, "Now how come your little misfit buddies out there couldn't tell me that?"
The strange young lady's gaze went from agitated to completely enraged as she groaned, "Those are not my friends. They are overly-hormonal miscreants that are misguided by the media's ever constant output of processed and neatly packaged rebellion and post-modern trends. Idiots who live on so-called obscenity that defines and controls every part of their being – "
She continued on in her passionate and stern rant but Ash and Blake simply continued nodding and staring as they watched her lips move up and down at an alarming rate.
Eventually Blake interrupted her, "Yeah, yeah I get it black reflects the darkness of your soul and you hate the world. You got a lot of moxie you know that kid? You keep it up and you'll get some where some day. Just get a little more Vitamin D though. Anyway what was the band again?"
The girl dragged her hand down her face, "Siouxsie and The Banshees. S-I-O-U-X-S-I-E and The B-A-N-S-H-E-E-S. A band that's been around since the late 70's and became an indie legend but apparently not enough for you or the cretins you questioned to know about. Can I go now?"
Blake nodded, "Sure."
She immediately stormed out the door as Blake was writing down the name on a piece of paper, "Now I can finally know what that bastard is jammin' to."
He made his way out of the interrogation room and across the large office space until he reached the door to Norman's temporary office. He could hear odd music coming from the other side of it.
"I'm gonna give that asshole a piece of my mind for all the trouble he's caused...", Blake said.
He kicked the door open in a fit of mischievous excitement.
He found the federal agent and the young woman he'd just finished questioning only moments before twirling about the room to the song "Dazzle". Two empty glass vials were laying on the floor for some unknown reason but they both looked happy and zoned out enough; their facial expressions were not unlike those of Lindsey Lohan after a night at a club. They paid no attention to Blake even as he burst into the room, only twirling around. Suddenly the CD changed and the dark and brooding melody of "Obsession" began to play. The two began to shuffle in place almost like zombies in a form of an absurd dance.
"What the fuck is going on here?", Blake yelled.
Norman turned to the angry lieutenant, "Oh, sahrry, Cartuh! I didn't know yah were there. I jus' needed tah take ah break from lookin' at clooues. I may naht have came here tuh dance originahlly...but I needed to. Then my friend here showed up an' things rulee stahted tah get lively. You can dance too if yah want, Cartuh. This music rulee does somethin' tah thuh soul!"
Blake growled, "The party is over now! Everyone who is not working for justice needs to get outta here right now! That means you kid!"
The dreary young woman sighed before handing Norman a piece of paper, "Here's the Skinny Puppy albums you need to get. They will astound you."
Jayden gave her a hearty grin, "Tanks. A band with ah name like Skinnee Puppee has tah make musick that is vairy upliftin'. Once I get their CDs I'll probably feel vairy refreshed an' ready to look fah more clooues aftah I lisin' tah them!"
A grave look overcame her face, "...And remember, stay away from the MPREG. You should value your mangina and your late 30's emotions. You are not a 16 year old girl looking to get knocked up by the star quarterback of the football team."
Norman nodded briskly, "Yeah. Yeah, of course!"
As before the young woman stormed out of the room in the exact manner that she had previously, leaving the two men of the law to stare at each other in silence.
Carter's eyes looked at Jayden with intense anger. He gritted his teeth for a moment.
A warm, out of place smirk replaced the sneer as he happily cheered, "Let's dance!"
The FBI agent hit the button on the CD player and suddenly "She's a Carnival" blasted through the speakers; both men began dancing with each other.
(Well no so much dancing but rather flailing about the room in a joyful fashion...)
Eventually they turned the whole building onto the shin-ding; everyone from the policemen to the suspects in the holding cells were streaming about the building in a massive conga line that ran throughout the police station. Every individual was freed by the magic of the music as they partied the night away.
In fact, Captain Perry was so impressed by the album "A Kiss in the Dreamhouse" that it rekindled his desire to have a rock band of his own and in a few months would be touring under the name "Snoozey" and have several triple platinum awarded albums in the coming years before an untimely but true rockstar death by heroin overdose in a seedy New York apartment.
Charlene was able to discover her hidden dancing abilities after so many years of being an under appreciated secretary with many men tossing money at her as she daringly took off her clothes in a moment of spontaneity, and she would go on to be the world's sexiest erotic dancer and to be voted as Playboy's hottest MILF four years in a row.
Blake would eventually let the music and the alcohol help him admit to his repressed feelings for Norman. They kissed under an enchanting Philadelphian moon and ran off to elope with a romantic getaway in the Poconos. They had their first child, Mei Ling, in the spring of 2012 (by adoption of course).
Ash remained…uh…Ash. Not too much changed for him. He just remained that random guy who said one thing every five minutes just to let everyone know he was still in the room.
So many other destines were changed that fateful evening.
Their merriment lasted long into the night, there was much joy abound...well joy for all of those who weren't doing field work and stopping criminals out on the streets like they were supposed to.
But beautiful merriment there was amongst the captivating sounds of Miss Siouxsie and all her majestic Banshees...
Ending Notes: Well there you have it, lads and lassies; another moment of pure absurdity from me. I hope you were able to find some sort of laughter or amusement from this despite its dumb and pointless nature. Be thankful I'm too lazy to write/publish all the other nonsensical ideas I have (but perhaps there will be more along the way). Anyway thanks for reading!