How to get the woman you want
OR How to get Quistis Trepe to fall for a cowboidified ladies' man

A/N: Oh yes, I got this from Whitewolf off his/her fic "How to get the man you want", but hell, it was funny (BTW, read the fic, it's good!). Whitewolf, if you don't like it, I'll knock it from the site and act like I never posted it :) Rinoa bashing, and probably bashing of everyone. Dunno what my mind is gonna condure up. Oh, and Quistis bashing too :) ...Selphie bashing...Seifer bashing...Squall-bashing!

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STEP I: Get her to notice you |

Irvine polished his gun as he watched Quistis from afar tackle a grat. He grinned as he pondered his next move. Leaping from the bushes, he charged for the the battle, shotgun straggling at his side. Raising his gun, he went to pull the trigger, weapon aimed perfectly for the Grat, but when a fly flew into his eye, his vision blurred and his aim was thrown off. Instead, the gun went off and hit Rinoa in the head just as she entered the training center, clinging to Squall's arm. She fell to her demise from the blow. Panicking, Irvine leaped behind the bushes once more.

Quistis and Squall looked down at her bleeding body and cheered in unison. They soon leapt at each other and hugged furiously. Kinneas snapped his fingers in disappointment like the Trepies did so often.

-
STEP II: REALLY get her to notice you|

Irvine paced his dorm room, pondering the current situation. She had always fended off his efforts for her affection, so getting her to realize they were genuine was a difficult task indeed. Since Rinoa's burning (They tied her up like a witch and set her aflame, which made Quistis feel special. Then they threw her into the Balamb sea), Squall and Quistis had become lovers (actually, they are fuck buddies, but what's the difference?).

Because of Rinoa's untimely demise, Heartillys crashed their fan-club for her and converted to Trepieizm (yes, they made a religion just for her). This put a damper in Irvine's situation. He thought hard, and had to think quickly.

At this time, Selphie entered his room uninvited. She did this quite often. However, her rudeness didn't seem to bother him. One day, he would lock that door to see what happened.

"Hey Irvy!" She shouted repeatedly, hopping all around him.

"Hi," he said simply, still pondering his current situation. "Hey, I need your help."

Tilmitt tilted her head to the side and asked, "With what?"

"How to get Quistis to notice me."

"But she already does!" Selphie exclaimed, throwing herself on Irvine's bed. "She notices you're a dork!"

Kinneas took this rather offensely. Dork didn't describe him! Jerk, maybe, dork, no way! "I beg to differ!"

The hyperactive bimbo snorted, then giggled, rolling around on his bed until she tumbled off with a large thud. Bouncing up from the floor, she shouted "You oughta kill Squall!"

The cowboys' eyes flew wide in comprehension. He soon snapped his fingers to a conclusion, "That's RIGHT! Kill Squall, then I'll comfort her, then we can...hehehehe..."

"There is a problem though." Selphie said while snorting a handful of cocaine.

Irvine's brows furrowed in wonder, "That would be?"

"The whole male population of the Garden has converted to Trepeism. Which means...you'll basically have to blow the Garden to smithreens with a rocket launcher!"

The gunslinger paused to think this over rather carefully as Selphie began to snort her second handful of coke, "I think I'll just kill Squall and see what happens from there. And for your help, I'll make sweet, passionate love to you."

Selphie burst into laughter, sending the remanents of the powered drug sprawling into the dorm room air, "Do I look that desperate to you!"

"Yes."

Selphie pondered, then shrugged, "I'm on top!"

* * *

Irvine and Selphie hid under a table watching Squall come close to biting into his burger which the beef was bathed in LSD and rat poison. They figured when they did an attopsy on the Commander, they'd think he died of a drug overdose. And when they found the rat poison...they'd figure he got some poor advice from his suppiler; however, their plan never went into effect as Quistis walked up to the table and sat with a tray of food.

"Dammit, why does nothing go according to plan?" Kinneas whispered from behind the table. Selphie was twitching, so she didn't reply. Conversation went on between the two. Suddenly, the two switched lunch trays. Irvine screeched as Trepe lifted Squall's former burger to her mouth and came close to biting into it. Kinneas was just about to leap from underneath the table to snatch the food from her, but out of nowhere, Zell flew by and grabbed it away. Some scolding went on between the two before Zell shoved the food into his mouth and swallowed without chewing. The cowboy was kinda relieved...actually, after seeing Dincht walk off as if nothing happened, he was nearly estatic. However, he soon became angry and turned to Selphie, who ceased her twitching. Now she just picked her nose, "Selphie, where did you put the LSD and poison...?"

"Where you told me! The hot dogs." Selphie replied in a whisper.

Irvine nearly screamed bloody murder as a few dozen SeeD's passed out over their tables. "I said Squall's hamburger! Not hot dog! And certainly not plural as in hot DOGS!"

"Be specific next time Irvy-poo!" With that, she crawled out from underneath the table and skipped passed the fallen residents of the Garden, Kinneas mentally reminded himself to hurt Selphie severely once he got his hands on her...

-
STEP III: Just kill the opposition...and don't &^$& up this time!|

Kinneas paced his room once more. This time, his door was bolted shut and a cannon was set up in front of the door. Somehow, if Selphie managed to get through the bolts, he'd blow a hole through her stomach. The idea seemed satisfying at the time.

He needed a new plan now to rid himself of his number one opponent. Something so sneaky, the Commander wouldn't see it coming... Then it hit him like a 3 inch wide, 5 inch long stone-actually, one DID hit him in the back of the head. He stumbled forward from the blow and turned to see Selphie climbing through his now broken window. He grumbled and swore profusely under his breath. At this moment in time, he hated his life...

"Gee Irvy, someone bolted your door and I couldn't get through!" Selphie exclaimed as she landed on her feet in the male's dorm room. Something was held underneath her arm. It was unmistakable to Kinneas that the items were porn magazines.

In a swift motion, he swiped them from Selphie and began to flip through each one with a brilliant smile on his face, "Selphie, where'd you get these?" It was obvious he was excited, in more ways than one.

Tilmitt proceeded to do many cartwheels about the room until she hit a wall and landed painfully onto the floor. Hopping up from her position, she smiled widely, "I stole them from Seifer!"

Kinneas was a bit...lost. "Why?"

"Weeelll..." Selphie began enthusiastically, a devious tone laced each word which escaped from her lips, "You said you wanted to get Quistis' attention, and the only way to do that is to kill Squall. Soooo...I broke into Seifer's dorm room and took his magazines with a note saying 'They're mine, muwhahahaha. -Squall' "

He had to admit, it was clever. He hadn't even come up with that. Hell, his plan was to point blank shoot Leonhart in the eye and kidnap Quistis, claim her as his own with a branding tool, brand on her forehead 'Property of Kinneas', and only let her go out on the weekends. It totally sucked to be uncreative. "Good job Selphie...but, I don't think Seifer would go kill Squall over a few outdated mags."

"I know, that's why I got this!" With that, she scurried over to the window and leaned out of it. "Hey Michael! I'm ready for it now!" There was an exchanged of words from down below, which Irvine couldn't quite make out, "...I said I'm ready for it! ...It's not that heavy! ...Oh you big baby, that's only a flesh wound! ...Yeah, throw it up!" All Irvine heard after that was a loud, "OUCH!" made by Selphie, and her form flying back. To his surprise, Seifer's gunblade, Hyperion, had lodged itself in Selphie's right breast, which was now pretty much...flat, due to the silicon seeping out.

"Ow..." Tilmitt grumbled as she tugged the gunblade from her chest. Irvine squirmed uneasily at the sight-he was convinced they were real. And he was horrified when Selphie stood, and slashed her other breast, the body part doing the same as the right of it's kind. "I don't wanna look like I'm stoned on birth control pills...Tee-hee!" Selphie reasoned, then tossed on blade on the floor in a huff. (Author's note: Yes, BC pills will do that to women, make one smaller than the other)

Irvine nearly vomited at the sight. Selphie was now...officially...FLAT! Now who's chest was he gonna fantasize about?

"Do I get some lovin' for me good work Irrrvvvyyy?" Selphie inquired with a sly grin.

Kinneas stared at her, and pondered, "Do I look that desperate to you?"

"Well, yeah."

Irvine heaved a sigh, "I'm on top this time."

"Tee-hee!"

* * *

The next day, there was complete chaos throughout the entire Garden. It was rumored that T-rexuar had been let loose from the training center, which explained the wounded, sprawled bodies all over the Balamb Garden campus. Actually, it was Seifer. He was screaming like a banschee, demanding Leonhart's head on a silver platter for stealing his Hyperion (He truthfully didn't give a damn about the magazines, they were Squall's to begin with). His loyal Posse had been interiogating SeeD's and students alike all morning for the whereabouts of the Commander. Fujin insisted on setting each person aflame if they did not speak the truth, but in Fujin's mind, no one told the truth.

"Only a matter of time guys..." Seifer stated angrily, demonically, "...only a matter of time..."

Meanwhile, Irvine and Selphie had taken it upon themselves to search for the Commander. High and low they looked, asking each person that stepped in their path about where he may be. But he was no where to be found. Until...

"He's in here," Irvine said as he and Selphie approached Quistis door to her dorm room. It was said that no one had come in, or out all morning and afternoon.

"They probably got freaky last night!" Selphie exclaimed, but was soon silenced by Irvine's gloved hand.

"They'll hear you! What if they try and escape through the window or something?" Irvine whispered as he pulled his hand away. Selphie merely giggled and placed her hand on the doorknob. Turning it, she found it to be unlocked. She and the cowboy looked at each other curiously. They were about to enter, until they felt cold, clammy hands on their shoulders. They turned to find the dreaded Posse in their presence.

Seifer glared at the pair, his arms crossed over his chest, "So...the Cowboy and the Chocobo chick are in kahoots with the Commander as his bitch. How typical... Fujin, Raijin, kill them."

"No!" Irvine hollered, throwing his hands up in protest. "We aren't in kahoots with Puberty boy!"

Selphie nodded in confirmation, "That's right, we're here to turn him in to you!"

Fujin and Raijin looked at their leader for further instructions. Seifer gazed upon the duo, processing the information. "Hmm...Really?"

"Would we lie ta you?" Irvine asked. When he recieved glares from all four, he cringed, then shrugged. "Look, they're in here. I'm sure on it."

"We'll see." Seifer said as he made his way through the small crowd. Like the macho bastard he is, he kicked the door down, even though it was already halfway open, and was greeted with a barren room. No sign of anyone anywhere. "Why you lying ba-HEY!"

Irvine and Selphie took off into a sprint and disappeared into the hallway.

"...Well ain't that a bitch... Let's raid Quistis' room." Raijin and Fujin nodded and followed Seifer into the room.

-
Step IV: Flirt Like the Obsessed Freak you Are |

Irvine and Selphie retreated to level B1 which was completely vacant of everything at the present time...including lights.

"Alright, not only do I have Seifer on my ass because I happened to be mistaken, but Quistis and Squall are missin'." Irvine complained while sitting on the steel floor, ankles crossed one over the other as he sulked. Selphie began to ran and was about to make a flip...until she tripped over Irvines' legs and fell on her face. It was evident the cowboy didn't give a &%^$ about her misfortune...

Selphie pushed herself from the floor, groaning as she gained her stance, "I know where she is!"

Irvine's mood immediately perked up as he heard this news, "Where is she?"

"In my room...with Squall."

At the moment, the cowboy was pretty damn pissed. He leapt to his feet, and would have slapped the girl...if he knew where she was. "They've been there all this time and you didn't tell me!"

"Yep."

"Damn you..."

* * *

Quistis and Squall were sitting side by side, staring at the wall before them. They hadn't spoken since they entered the hyperactive cocaine loving SeeD's confinements for protection. But Quistis finally broke their silence.

"I don't think our relationship is working out."

"You think so?"

Quistis nodded, "Yeah. I think I was just, infatuated with you after all..."

Squall nodded as well. "And I was just using you for a rebound."

Suddenly, the door to the room comes crashing down. The couple, thinking the invader is Seifer, jump into each others' arms. But after seeing a Cowboy hopping about the hallway, clinging to his ankle as he shouted "*$^#, &^$#, &^$!" they quickly settled down.

"Irvine, you scared us!" Quistis exclaimed, placing a hand over her heart. Irvine's face reverted back to it's usual flirtatious grin as he limped his way to the Instructor.

"Hey there little lady, you're looking mighty fine tonight." He tipped his hat and sent a glare Squall's way.

Quistis mildly blushed at the comment, "Why thank you Irvine, bu-"

"Hold one moment." Irvine told her as he balled a fist, pulled it back and sent it into Squall's jaw. He tumbled off of the bed and onto the floor, unconscious. "Alright, go on and flatter me."

The Instructor growled and jumped to her feet. Kneeing Irvine directly in his groin, she pushed him over with a finger and stormed out of the dorm room, leaving Irvine in a fetal position, muttering more and more swears..

-
Step V: Confess Before you Get into More Trouble |

With his head hung low, Irvine entered Trepes' classroom once the students had filed out, including the obsessive Trepies. He was nervous now. He had done some much to call for her attention, and he had messed up so much in these past two days. Plus the beating he recieved from Seifer and Squall double teaming him didn't exactly help his ego.

Knocking on the door before entering, he heard his permission from the Instructor and entered the classroom. Quistis gazed up at the beaten cowboy from her papers and gave him a vaguely sympathic look, "What happened to you?"

Irvine shook his head. Alright...he was going to go for the straight forward approach this time... "That's not important. I just wanted to speak to you about something.."

The Instructor nodded and pulled her glasses away from her eyes, "What is it?"

"...I love you Quisty." Yes! He did it! Booyaka!

"Yes well, that's lovely. I wish you would have said something sooner. I'm with Seifer now."

Irvine just might have passed out at that particular moment, if his ass wasn't bruised from the kicks while being on the floor. "What...?"

Quistis nodded, smiling at the cowboy. "Yes, Squall and I are just friends now. It's Seifer who I really want. I know that that's how it usually is in the fanfics and such, and it's terribly cliche because he is blonde, I am blonde, and we both happened to be lonely and single at the end of the game Final Fantasy VIII, but my heart belongs to him. That doesn't mean however, you and I can't have an affair on the side..." She winked seductively at Irvine.

Kinneas absorbed the information...and thought over the possiblity of losing his life if Seifer ever found out...and his decision was... "No thanks Quisty. I think I'm better off with Selphie...even if she is a cocaine addict."

Quistis looked somewhat disappointed, and returned to her work, feeling the pain of rejection. Seifer was probably better in bed than Irvine anyway. "Suit yourself. Good bye."

Irvine tipped his hat and exited the door. He pulled out his Shotgun and loaded it with normal bullets, grinning demonically. "Oh Seeeellllpppphhhhiiieeee...!"

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The End
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