|Dan's Cahill's 200 Things to do When Bored in Math
Author: Alex Almighty PM
Dan's school life isn't completely boring! He likes to shake it up! When Dan knows math like the back of his hand, he shouldn't have to pay attention! Dan writes a list of the most amusing things to do when bored! The result is totally hilarious!Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor - Dan C. - Chapters: 11 - Words: 12,924 - Reviews: 154 - Favs: 50 - Follows: 24 - Updated: 03-08-11 - Published: 01-29-11 - Status: Complete - id: 6696135
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
"Hmm," thought Mrs. Petunia evilly, "Dan Cahill has left his notebook in class and he normally guards that thing with his life!" She grinned as she strode over to his desk. "This is an ideal chance for me to see what this boy is really doing in class."
She lifted up the notebook as if it were a secret artifact, and brought it to her desk. She pushed her reading glasses up her nose, hoping for something punishable. And funny... but she wasn't about to admit that. That is when she hears the two gruff voices.
"Sir," said a voice that sounded like it was on helium. "We are all out of the forget-me-pills."
"No worries Vip," said an extremely deep voice. "Do you have the forget-me-stick with you? Ah, good. We'll use that. This should be the easiest mission yet so don't screw it up!"
Vip squealed in excitement. "No master," he said.
Needless to say, Mrs. Petunia did not take kindly to voices with no discernible source. "Who's there?" she questioned harshly, looking around the room in her swivel chair. She stood up confidently. "What do you..."
And that is when two burly figures dropped from above and knocked her out with a forget-me-stick. Those things really work! I recommend them! That last thing she saw before blacking out, was a bright red V embellished on the back her captor's black, leather jacket.
Only a hallway length away, Dan was eating his lunch like no body's business.
Dan spit out the seventeen grapes everybody had collected from their lunches that he had been dared to stuff in his cheeks into a napkin. "That was awesome!" he exclaimed. "I bet nobody could do anything THAT awesome! Seventeen grapes!"
"Bet again!," yelled somebody Dan hung out with all the time but didn't know the real name of. You see, the guy was Hispanic so Dan had only called him "amigo" since as long as he could remember. "I bet I could chug this in less then thirty seconds!" he announced holding up a bottle of cran-apple juice.
"CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" the boys table yelled in unison as amigo downed the whole bottle.
"What was epic amigo!" yelled Dan. "You basically poured that down your throat!"
"I'm awesome at chugging things!" said amigo. "But afterward I feel so light-headed it's not funny!"
"Wait," said Izek suddenly. "When people say, 'I'm so blank it's not funny', why would that even be funny in the first place?"
"Wow!" exclaimed amigo. "You have a serious point!"
"I know right!" exclaimed Dan. "None of the saying people say make sense!"
"Yeah," said Izek solemnly. "If only the rest of humanity was like us... then the world would make sense! Just imagine it!"
Overhearing the thought, a girl at a nearby table choked on her cold pizza at what she was imagining and the paramedics had to be alerted,
"Ooh!" exclaimed Dan happily. "Guess what I finished?"
"Your list?" asked Izek eagerly. When Dan nodded Izek said, "Sweet! I have to see the end!"
"Definitely!" said Dan reaching for his backpack. "Just let me see here..." He felt around inside his backpack in panic. Where had it gone? "Holey Swiss cheese with lots of holes in it!" muttered Dan frantically. "Where did it go?"
"WHAT?" yelled Izek. "You better not have left that in the math classroom! Mrs. Petunia would kill to get her hands on that!"
Dan's face was pale but he managed to grin. "This is a perfect time to test our agent skills!" he announced wiggling his eyebrows.
Moments later, they were in front of the math classroom. The door was closed, which was unusual. Hearing voices from inside, they paused to listen.
"Brilliant!" said a deep voice with a chuckle that resembled the noise a dog makes in it's throat before throwing up. "This is just what we are looking for. Do you have the page to add Vip?"
"Yes master," said a different voice reverently. Dan could have swore the voice was coming from a cartoon chipmunk. "Right here sir."
Izek scooted closer to Dan quietly. "Who could they be? Definitely not teachers!" Izek whispered. "And as much as I despise her, where is Mrs. Petunia? I don't hear her voice,"
"I am going to peek through the window," answered Dan. "Hopefully they aren't looking at the door!" He scooted upward until his eyes caught sight of the scene inside. As soon as Dan saw a blood red V on the back of a man's jacket, his mind understood the possible situation. He swatted back down and looked seriously at Izek. What should he tell him?
"Uh..." Dan sputtered, "I think they are my uncle's friend's cousin's hairdresser. They sometimes works as a substitute teachers. You go on ahead and finish lunch and I will ask them what happened to Mrs. Petunia!"
"Sweet!" said Izek getting up to go. "I hope Mrs. Petunia got ran over by a watermelon truck and in the hospital has an epiphany that she needs to treat us better and bring us candy everyday." Dan forced a smile as Izek ran off.
He stood up and put his hand on the doorknob. He HAD to confront these guys. The Vespers must have found him. Taking a deep breath, Dan charged through the door. Before the two men could turn around, Dan had jumped on to a desk, and launched himself towards their backs. In the air he felt like a majestic ninja warrior, defying the laws of gravity. That feeling lasted about two seconds... let's not get to confident in his epic ninja skills. His feet planted themselves on the back of the two stranger's necks, pushing them to the ground. The impact threw him backward into the air. This time, he felt like a majestic ninja boulder, proving the laws of gravity.
Dan fell on his back on top off a a desk behind him... hard. He felt dazed as the stranger's voices reached his ears from the floor.
"Whoa!" said the man with the deep voice, tasting the carpet. Surprisingly, it tasted like gummy bears... that had been stuck in a sewer for a few weeks. "We just knocked out your teacher and this is how you repay us!"
Dan pulled himself up, and walked dizzily to the two men on the floor. "What do you want?" he demanded. "Nobody messes with a Cahill! Especially Vespers!"
The two men sat up suddenly. "Sir," said Vip to his master excitedly, "this must be the Cahill boy!" Wow. So they hadn't even known before. Dan could have just pretended he was a boy named Pyogenic Granuloma going in to get a notebook he had forgotten in class, and he would have been just fine.
The leader smiled up at Dan... but not evilly. "We don't know who the Vespers are," he said, "but we are spokesmen from the Vermeer Writing Preservation Society." Dan didn't know those big words and stared blankly, hand ready to wedgie someone if necessary. "We are a top secret organization who collects brilliant pieces of writing from all over the world, to post on a phenomenal website. We work for Alex Almighty. He has some puckish suggestions for your manifest!" The man held up Dan's notebook and a separate piece of paper excitedly.
"Phenomenal?" "Puckish?" "Manifest?" What were those supposed to mean? And how dare they have his notebook! At that point, Dan simply grabbed a stick labeled "Forget-Me-Stick" off the ground by the men's feet, and whacked them along side the face. They both slid back on to the floor, knocked out.
"Wow," Dan muttered taking the paper and his notebook out of the man's hands, "I gotta get me one of those!"
He ran off to the lunch room. There, he read the separate sheet of paper with Izek. At the first name on the page, Dan started to doubt the existence of the VWPS. However, as he and Izek read through the ideas on the page, they were wrapped in awesomeness!
-Braid the hair of the person in front of you. Count how many seconds it takes for them to notice.
-Practice your sketching, singing, rhyming, and other skills.
-Try to get the teacher to help prank other students!
-Put ketchup on your face and sit in the middle of the aisle groaning.
-Bring some fake snakes and put them in your teachers desk before class. (Make sure it's a drawer that they open a lot!)
-Grease the chair of the kid in front of you. (N/A: I recommend Pan, especially for toilet seats! Hilarious!)
-Every time some one gets up to use the restroom, yell "Hasta la Vista, Baby!"
-Draw Pies or Pizzas on all of the circles in your text book, then cut them out.
-Stuff your desk with tiny pieces of paper, ask to use the bathroom, and when you get up, "accidentally" knock over your desk so all the papers fly out.
-Every time the teacher calls you to answer a question, give them the most evil look you can.
-Take two small magnets and stick one underneath and one on top of your tongue to make it look like you have pierced it. Show the person next to you.
-Bring a doll that looks like your teacher to school and poke it violently with needles all the way through class.
-Bring a water gun to school and shoot it at whatever you want.
-Bring a razor, shaving cream, and a mirror to school and shave nonchalantly during class.
-After every other word say 'um' or 'like'
-Bring a hockey mask to school and put fake blood on it. Wear it during class.
-Get a keyboard app on your phone or ipod and play the Halloween Movie theme song on it during class!
-Bring chips and water to class and have an early meal.
-Make up wacky, far off nicknames for people using their beginning name and call them by it. (Tricia=Cia=Cilia=Celeste=Lest=Lester)
-Turn of the lights, put a flashlight under your face, and tell spooky stories.
-Exclaim that an imaginary person is on fire.
-Declare that someone punched your imaginary friend and demand that they get a detention.
-Ask a male teacher if they are pregnant. (N/A: I did that to a fat teacher in preschool and my mom grounded me for two hours. But I really didn't know any better! It looked exactly like he was! It was the first time I had ever gotten grounded so I was really mad. I overturned all of the furniture, barricaded the door with a mattress, and strew everything everywhere. That got me grounded for a week. Okay, I'll go now.)
-Dress as a ninja. Declare that 'today is the new Halloween'. Ask people why they aren't wearing a costume.
-Explode in laughter without any reason. See if people join in.
-Do displays of emotion for the Egyptian Revolution in Arabic. (IRHAL IRHAL YA MUBRAK!)
-Ask people to paint Christmas eggs with you. When people correct you saying, 'it's EASTER eggs', yell about how they don't respect your religion.
-Photo-shop pictures of people's faces and tell them, "That's what your baby will look like!"
-Announce an international bunny day. Give around bunny ears. When they refuse to wear them, burst into tears.
-Plan world domination! Have various plans, all using seemingly random and unrelated things.
Dan and Izek laughed their heads off as they went to Social Studies... these could apply to more then one class!
-THE OFFICIAL END! I tried to make the end long, creative, and awesome! I psyched you at first with the Vesper thing! NAH NAH!
-I LOVED IT! WORKED HOURS BUT IT PAYED OFF! REVIEW FOOLS! I HOPE I LEFT YOU WITH HAPPINESS!
-Yeah. The VWPS is real and so are my friends Vip and Vop. I send them on my secret missions and we all wear black, leather jacket with red V's on the back to scare Cahills. "Oops!" Vermeer is a famous artist that put lots of puzzles in his artwork and he signed his name really cool.
-Thanks for all the people who submitted ideas!
-Okay... puckish is now my favorite word! It was the word of the day today and it was so awesome I put it in the story! Look up "puckish" if you want to know what it means! It describes this Fanfic! Tell me if you look it up! I want to see who does!
-This is the final chapter so review! It is truly awesome! I LOVE YOU ALL AND I ALWAYS WILL! Wait, no! Your currant thoughts are disturbing! Why would you even think I meant it like that?
-Hope this goes down in history as awesome! I'll miss this!
Where Adventures Begin...