|I Was Singing In The Shower
Author: Camunki PM
That day, it was Karofsky in the shower, not Finn, and hell, Dave's a better singer than Hudson anyway. Glee AU with Dave in Glee Club; Kurtofsky, Karofsky/Kurt, Slash. Rating to increase in future.Rated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Friendship - Kurt H. & D. Karofsky - Chapters: 13 - Words: 85,956 - Reviews: 377 - Favs: 315 - Follows: 522 - Updated: 01-27-13 - Published: 02-14-11 - id: 6745496
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Uh...hello? It's been a while, I know. I suck. I'm sorry for the delay, I just lost my mojo for this story a bit. I'm getting back into the swing of things, and your continued support has been much appreciated, so thank you!
Rating: M for swearing.
Warnings: Bit o' swearing, but not much else.
Disclaimer: If I owned Glee it would never have been allowed on TV, for various reasons...
Notes: ajfskdfl, you guys make this worth everything. Your reviews and support really keep me going, so thank you all so much! This chapter is a little filler-y but I'm going to try and update a lot faster this time. :)
So, here we are. Sectionals are over and we're moving up and on to Regionals. Not only that, but I have a boyfriend now. You're my boyfriend.
I walk into my boyfriend's house and after glancing around quickly hug my boyfriend and kiss my boyfriend on the cheek. Then my boyfriend drags me in so we can watch a movie. It's something we've done before, but not as boyfriends.
In case you can't tell, I really like that word.
'Hello.' I say, as you shove me into your room. I perch on your chaise, and you smirk and hand me a glass of soda, before sitting down tentatively beside me.
'I think you already said that.' You point out, and I notice that there's space between us but I don't try and close it just yet.
'Yeah, but I wanted to say it again, boyfriend.' I test out the word on my tongue. God, that feels so weird and awesome at the same time.
Your face lights up at that. 'Oh my god it sounds even better now. Can I…um, can I kiss you?'
So, things have gotten past the adrenaline rush that was our first kiss in the locker room and the adrenaline tidal wave that was our second, third…okay, so I've lost count. We're now at that awkward, tentative stage where neither of us wants to screw things up because we're not sure exactly what the boundaries are.
'Of course you can, you're my boyfriend.' I jest, and you lean in to give me a delighted kiss, soft but filled with hunger.
'You have no idea how long I've wanted to be able to just do that.' You admit, your cheeks flushed. A small, bashful smile plays on your lips.
You're right; I really don't have an idea. 'How long?'
'Ever since we got thrown in that dumpster.'
'That long?' It's a little disappointing that I waited so long, but then maybe this is exactly how it was supposed to work out. I just wasn't ready back then.
'Didn't you think it was weird that I was always clinging to you and that I spent so much time with you? I went bright red every time we were close to each other, I mean, I practically threw myself at you. Half the reason I knew you weren't straight is because you didn't get a restraining order.'
I think about it. I suppose I should have known, really, but then I was locked so far in the closet that I'm surprised Mr. Tumnus and I aren't buddies.
'Maybe it was because I really wanted to spend time with you.' I muse, and you lean against me, shoulder to shoulder, closing that gap. God, it feels good to have you near me. To know that I can just kiss you whenever I want. Okay, not whenever I want, but I'm trying to work on that.
'Well, I am hard to resist.' You tease with a smirk. I stick my tongue out at you childishly in response. 'What about you? Did you…I mean, when do you think you startingliking me?'
It's a difficult question. I don't really know when exactly it was that I fell for you. There's always been…something there, ever since I first laid eyes on you. The moment we spoke, I knew there was something odd about my feelings for you. I just didn't understand what they meant until later. For some reason, when I tell you that you get all flushed and happy and…that's it! I have my damn song.
Oh, yeah. Mr. Schue gave us an assignment this week to do something with Hello in the title and I haven't been able to find anything. Well, not true exactly, I'd found sheet music to the Beatles' Hello, Little Girl, and a random assortment of other songs that I don't know. Finn started off singing Hello, I Love You and then Rachel sang Gives You Hell, in which she seemed pretty pissed off at Finn. I don't know why exactly because as far as I'm aware, they're dating.
Uh, anyway. Problem solved, I've just thought of the perfect song. But you're looking at me expectantly and I still haven't answered. 'I'm not sure.' Your expression falters slightly, 'I can't really pinpoint a moment.' You nod, but say nothing, and to my relief, the conversation moves on.
We watch a movie, my choice this time, but I went for a rom-com to keep you happy. It's around five when Azimio calls and says he can't come to Breadstix. At first, I panic because I'm absolutely sure he's found us out, but he quickly reassures me that he has to babysit his younger brother because his parents have decided to go out. Why his younger brother, who to my knowledge is at least 15, needs babysitting is beyond me, but when I ask, he just says something vague about his mom's makeup cabinet. I don't ask for details.
We had planned to go out and have a close-friends-only Sectionals celebration tonight. Of course, by close friends I mean you, me, Mercedes and Azimio but your best friend bailed too. I also tried to invite Rachel but last week she told me she had plans with Finn.
'I guess we'll just eat in, then? We can put on a movie.' You say, with feigned enthusiasm. I know you wanted to go out and celebrate as much as I did, even if we wouldn't be able to sit next to each other or hold hands or anything.
God, being in the closet sucks. We both know it, but we're not talking about it. Of course, you probably want me to come out to everyone else and…and I know it would be amazing but I'm just not there yet.
Do I want to be able to walk side-by-side down McKinley's halls with you? Yes. Do I want to be able to sing flirty duets with you in Glee Club? Of course. But I don't want to have to change in the bathroom stalls after football. I don't want guys to jerk away from me in practice if I tackle them because they think I'm making a pass at them. I don't want guys to think I like them just because they're guys. I don't want my best friend to have to shun me like a fucking leper.
But all of that doesn't mean you should suffer too. Because this isn't just about me anymore, it's about us, and if you want to go with your boyfriend to Breadstix then you should damn well be able to.
'We should go to Breadstix.' I say, eventually. Your eyes widen almost comically, and I can see they're a little red. 'Just the two of us. If anyone asks, we're just friends.'
'Really?' There's no hiding the excitement in your voice when it rises to that pitch. 'I mean, if you're sure-'
'I'm sure.' I smile, and you let out a little victory squeal before spontaneously leaning in and pecking me on the lips. As soon as you realize what you've done, your face flushes red and you look guilty for a split second before relaxing again. Ah, the tentative awkwardness of young love. Wait, shit, forget I said that word.
Anyway, with that out of the way, you suddenly seem much more chipper. You then start getting ready before pausing and berating me on my outfit. I watch, amused, as you go on a rant about my baseball hat and how your dad is always wearing one and that all baseball hats should be banned. Eventually you come to the conclusion that your dad is excused because he's bald, but that you're going to confiscate mine for life. I don't complain, just grin and agree with you. Baseball hats are one thing I have no problem with giving up if it makes you happy.
You flit around for the next hour or so choosing an appropriate outfit. I thought the one you had on was awesome, but whatever. Watching you pop in and out with different outfits is much more interesting than it was with Rachel. Plus, I'm now officially allowed to rate your clothes choice on how hot you are without feeling guilty. Of course, I still don't say that out loud since I think it might make you uncomfortable.
Naturally, the outfit you pick is ranked first in my hottest outfits list. You always have had a knack for that.
~ Ba-bam, baaaam-bam! ~
My hand is itching to take yours when we walk into Breadstix, but I know I have to resist or people will stare. Plus, the chances of people from school being here are pretty high, since this is the place to go out, apparently.
Actually, I vaguely recall that Rachel said she and Finn are coming here tonight so…hey, yeah! I spot Finn and wave awkwardly before freezing in mid air.
That's not Rachel.
Finn's sat with Santana and Brittany, his expression an amalgamation of terror and confusion. As we walk by, he gazes up at us and the confusion part gets even more obvious.
'What are you guys doing here?' he asks, and I feel my face turning red almost instantly.
'We're having dinner.' you say, 'We were supposed to meet with Mercedes too, but she couldn't come.'
As Santana opens her mouth to speak, I cut her off, 'Two friends are allowed to have dinner together, right? You and Brittany do it all the time.' Her mouth clamps together so fast we can actually her teeth click.
'Yeah, of course.' She finally murmurs, leaning back on the booth seat and scooting just a little closer to Brittany.
'So, you guys here on a date?' You can't disguise that your voice has gone even higher, either because you're panicking or because you're mocking them, I'm not sure.
'Yup!' Brittany chirps, far too enthusiastically. Finn looks more like he wants out of there, despite being on a date with two hot girls. Then again, I'm pretty sure said girls have an ulterior motive for being there. Well, Santana probably does; Brittany's likely just there because she's being roped into whatever Santana's planning.
'Right. We'll…just leave you to it, then.' I give you a look and you reply with a tiny shrug before we head to a booth.
'What was that about?' You ask, as soon as we sit down. 'I thought he was dating Rachel now.'
'So did I.' I scratch the back of my head, 'You think he's cheating on her?'
'Finn? He's not smart enough.'
'But it would make Rachel's impromptu song less inappropriate.' I point out, referring to the Gives You Hell fiasco. You nod musingly, before picking up your menu and scanning your options.
'Do you think any of this is organic?' You ask, and I pull a face, 'Right, this is Lima, of course not. So, have you picked a hello song yet?'
~ Briiiing! ~
'I broke up with him.' Rachel claims, almost haughtily after I ask her what's going on between her and Finn. 'I've grown out of him.'
'You've been dating him a week.' I point out, trying desperately not to roll my eyes.
She ignores me, continuing to move things around in her locker. I don't think she actually needs anything from it, she just doesn't want to meet my eye. 'I've moved on. I found someone new, someone who can keep up with me vocally.'
'Please tell me it's not Puck.'
'His name is Jesse St. James and he's the lead in Vocal Adrenaline.'
Vocal Adrenaline? The Vocal Adrenaline? Our archenemy Vocal Adrenaline? 'You're kidding, right?'
'Not at all.' Rachel looks vaguely insulted by that, but continues arranging her locker. 'We met in a music store and the chemistry was instantaneous. We sang a duet, you know, and our voices are perfectly matched. Well, his is more fine-tuned but he is a senior.'
Hold the fucking phone, did Rachel Berry just admit to someone being better than her? Did I enter the Twilight Zone or what?
'Rachel, he's the lead of Vocal Adrenaline! Don't you think that's a little suspicious?' There's no way of putting it delicately. The guy's totally using her. I'm a dude, we know these things.
'Not at all. My flawless voice and potential future stardom is very attractive to some men. I would have thought you of all people would understand that.'
I raise an eyebrow, 'Uh, what?'
'Kurt?' she says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world.
'Wh- I'm not dating Kurt because of his singing or because he's going to be famous! Rachel, that's a terrible reason to date someone.'
'Well, it's none of your business!' She bursts out, a little louder. She actually looks upset now, and I can't help but feel a little guilty. Still, the guy's got to be playing her, right? He's inVocal Adrenaline! Everyone knows they're pure evil.
But it's too late to say that, because her locker has slammed shut and she's storming away from me. Ugh, again with the storming. Every day with the storming. You'd think she'd be sick of it by now.
I pull out my phone and ring you. If my memory serves me well, you should be coming out of French now.
'Hello?' You chirp down the line.
'Hey. We have a Rachel problem.'
'What kind of problem?'
'Well, it's Rachel.' I sigh, leaning against my locker and rubbing my temple with my free hand. It does little to alleviate the sudden ache growing there.
'Where are you?' You demand, your voice shrill.
'At my locker.'
The line goes dead, and within a minute, you're standing beside me. 'What did she do?' You ask, sighing, and I explain our situation. After listening intently, you roll your eyes and are on the phone to Mercedes in seconds. Before I know it, you've already set up a Glee-intervention or something and Rachel's budding romance is doomed.
And I keep telling myself not to get involved.
Glee practice comes a lot faster than I expected. I guess time really does fly when you're absolutely fucking terrified.
So I have my song, right? I've chosen it, and I've practiced it and I'm ready but I'm so scared. What if they figure it out? I mean, Rachel already knows and I'm sure Santana has some sort of idea. It would be a miracle if you haven't told Mercedes, so that's three people who already have some clue.
When Mr. Schue asks if any of us have a song prepared, I clear my throat. 'I have a song.' Of course he's delighted, and he grins at me, beckoning me up to the performance area.
I glance over at where you're sitting, regarding me with a bemused look. I didn't tell you I was singing today. In fact, I told you I hadn't even chosen a song yet, to keep it a surprise.
The music starts, and I try not to faint as I open my mouth to begin the song. I sound noticeably shaky at first, and I'm sure everyone notices, but I'm a little preoccupied by the fact my hands won't stop shaking violently.
'At the mirror you fix your hair and put your make up on…' I sing, swaying slightly with the band's guitar, trying to relax. 'You're insecure about what clothes to wear, I can't see nothing wrong.' I resist looking over at you, and wonder if this is too obvious. Well, it refers to make up, and you don't technically wear make up as such, so…
'To me you look so beautiful when you can't make up your mind. It's half past eight it's getting late. It's ok! Take your time.' A small smile, remembering your constant outfit panics, when you look awesome in whatever you wear.
'Standing here my hands in my pockets like I have a thousand times,' Yeah, I sing here all the time. But for the first time, I'm singing to you. I chose this song because the words mean something to me. It's more than just a silly assignment. 'Thinking back it took one breath, one word to change my life.'
Funny, that word was gay, rather than our assignment word. But I guess helloset it all off. And yeah, I know we didn't really say hello in our first meeting, but I'm being metaphorical here, okay? Shut up.
'The first time I saw you, it felt like coming home.' Even if I didn't know it at the time. I didn't realise what home was, what it was like to feel at home with myself. But you showed me. 'If I never told you I just want you to know...You had me from hello.'
The girls are singing soft backing vocals now, and everyone's hands are in the air, swaying. 'When we walk in to a crowded room, it's like we're all alone.' I stare at you, and then quickly look away, focusing on Rachel for a moment. 'Everybody tries to kidnap your attention you just smile and steal the show.' Out of the corner of my eye I see you crack a smile at that.
'From the first time I saw you, it felt like coming home. If I never told you I just want you to know...You had me from hello.'I finish the song just as my eyes start to itch, and just about resist wiping at them with my sleeve. I have a reputation to uphold, you know.
Mr. Schue walks over and claps me on the back. 'Wow, David, that was…' I could swear there are tears in his eyes, too, 'Wonderful, really. Was that dedicated to someone?'
'Uh, no.' He looks at me dubiously, and I try to come up with a lie quickly. At the back of the room, your eyes widen and you shake your head slowly. 'Well, yeah. There's…um, there's this…' God, I don't want to say it. I don't want to keep lying. 'This girl I like.' The word is sour on my tongue.
There are a few catcalls and whistles from my less than mature friends, but I'm not looking at them. You're sat with your eyes fixed downwards, refusing to meet my eye. Prickles of shame sweep under my skin, and I have to force myself to look away. In front of you, Rachel sits with her lips pursed tightly, and in the corner with a totally ignorant Brittany, Santana has one eyebrow raised, unamused.
Mr. Schue gives a smile, squeezing my shoulder. 'She's a lucky girl.' he says, which sounds creepier than it was, I swear.
'Not really.' I murmur, and go sit down next to you. You don't even look at me, but when everyone else is distracted by Puck's rendition of Neil Diamond's Hello Again, you very subtly reach over and squeeze my hand.
~ Briiiing! ~
We approach her after Glee practice. Well, approach is probably not the appropriate word. Ambush, maybe. 'Rachel, wait!'
'Um, yes?' Rachel's eyebrows furrow, 'What's going on? Is this an intervention, because I don't care what you say, I like my sweaters.'
Immediately you revert to your head-bitch-in-charge stance, arms crossed and bitch-face all laid out. 'Cut the butter, Benedict Arnold.' You say, 'We heard about your new boyfriend.'
Rachel's eyes shift to me immediately, and I mouth 'sorry'. But honestly, I had to tell everyone. This is important shit. And not just for Glee Club, but for Rachel herself.
'Look, Rachel, we're all happy that you're happy. But we've worked too hard in Glee Club to let you throw it away on a relationship that might not even be real.'
Rachel looks pretty hurt by that. Clearly, she's not going to accept that she's being duped any time soon, 'Why, because he's in Vocal Adrenaline?'
'Their motto is Aut neca aut necatus eris.' you tell her. What the fuck does that mean anyway? 'Which loosely translates to murder or be murdered.' Right. Of course you'd know that, you're smart. God, my boyfriend is smart. This is one of the times I'd hug you if I could.
'They give their dancers human growth hormone.' Tina cuts across my little inner monologue. And ew, that can't be good. How does everyone know all this stuff anyway? Have you been doing some in depth research on Vocal Adrenaline I don't know about?
Mercedes tries to sound a little sympathetic, 'Look, we're not saying that the dude is playing you-'
'He's playing you.' you interrupt. Artie snickers quietly and I have to cover my mouth, feeling guilty.
Mercedes continues, 'We just think that until Regionals are over, we can't risk the possibility that he is.'
'None of us want to go through what happened at Sectionals again.'
Rachel sighs, and looks at us as if we've murdered a puppy, 'Okay, look. Jesse and I might not be true love, but what if we are? I know who I am and…how many chances at this am I going to get?' Oh, great, a guilt trip. As if I don't feel bad enough already, now she has to go and lay her whole future on the line. As if this one relationship is the be all and end all of everything.
There's a moment of silence where we all share a second of guilt. Then I hear you take a deep breath behind me and thank some higher power that you're stronger than me, 'If you don't break up with him, you're out.'
'You can't kick me out!' Rachel shouts, shrill, and glares at you. I want to jump to your defense, but I stay quiet. I haven't said anything because I don't want to hurt Rachel, but Iknow she's wrong.
'No, but we can all quit if Mr. Schue doesn't.' Artie says, almost smugly.
'Well, good luck winning without me!'
'Everyone is replaceable.' You reply, your voice low. 'Even you.'
Rachel's gaze settles on me. 'Dave?'
Everyone in the room turns to look at me expectantly. What am I supposed to do? I can't exactly stick up for Rachel, even if I do feel sorry for her. After all, it's blatantly obvious that Jesse is going to break her heart. But…shit. She's one of the closest friends I've got. 'I'm sorry, Rach.'
A beat, a look of utter betrayal, and Rachel flees the room.
'Well, that settles that.' Artie says when she's gone.
'Don't you think that was a little harsh?' I address the group, who are already getting up to leave. Most of them shrug and mumble something about how annoying Rachel is.
'She had it coming.' Mercedes says, flicking her hair back like she's trying to be dramatic. 'Nothing could come out of dating that Jesse kid, we all know it.' Then, she turns to you and smiles, 'Coming?'
'In a minute.' You reply, fiddling with your bag as if you haven't finished packing it. 'I'll meet you in the cafeteria, okay?' And Mercedes leaves too, meaning we're alone. You turn to me and I realize that's what you were planning.
'Hello.' I say, slightly breathy. Confronting Rachel kind of screwed up my nerves.
'Did you like the song?' I ask, trying not to sound as nervous as I feel. The whole Rachel debacle has thrown me off slightly, and I just need to get back to this. This whole…boyfriend situation.
'It was amazing. Beautiful. Actually, that's the first time I've had a Glee club solo dedicated to me.'
'I sang Your Song, didn't that count?' You smack me playfully on the shoulder. 'I'm sorry I couldn't really dedicate it to you.'
And suddenly it's as if the elephant in the room has started a stampede. It's time to talk about…well….us. The future. Serious stuff. It feels like the air around us has gotten colder.
'Maybe some day you'll be able to?' You ask, at barely a whisper.
I stare at you and suddenly feel like bursting into tears right here, but that would be completely pathetic. 'Not yet.' My voice sounds choked, and I can feel it catching in my throat as if even my body knows I don't want to say it. But your expression hasn't changed; there's still the anxious, expectant look.
'But some day?' You sound hopeful, but I know better. This isn't you encouraging me; no, you're genuinely asking if I'll ever be prepared to come out for you. And yeah, there's maybe a little bit of a push, too, but nobody's perfect.
I don't even have to think about it. Because no matter how scared I am right now, I know that you'll be there to help me. It's almost pathetic, but I just know that if I'm with you, I can do it. I can come out, I can be a boyfriend you're proud of. 'Some day.' I murmur, 'I…I don't know when, Kurt, but I'm going to do it, I swear. I don't want to hide any more. I just need time, okay?'
Your eyes soften and you smile gently, hesitantly raising your hand to stroke my cheek. I almost recoil before I remember that this is okay now, I can do this without feeling ashamed.
It's not easy. When you live your life thinking something is wrong, it takes a while to adjust. Even after I knew for sure I was gay, I hadn't thought about the little things, like touching you or wanting to hold your hand.
Your fingers link through mine just for a moment, squeezing reassuringly. It feels new and scary, but also really nice. It's just one more thing I get to say hello to.
~ Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo... ~