|Monty Python Story One: The Python
Author: AdorableEric PM
My first Monty Python fanfiction! If you enjoy reading this half as much as I enjoyed typing it, I still enjoyed it twice as much as you!Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 4,999 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 1 - Updated: 04-07-11 - Published: 02-14-11 - Status: Complete - id: 6745841
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: I don't own Monty's Python or anything else that has to do with it.
Its man is seen on the moon. He runs up and yells, "Its!" and then starts drifting away. Some really ridiculous opening animated sequence plays all the while every now and then cutting to the Python gang sitting on a couch in someone's TV room and yawning.
Michael: [to Terry Gilliam] you were supposed to make the beginning titles funny, not boringly long!
The really ridiculous opening animated sequence ends with John sitting at a table.
Cuts to Its man
Its man: That's my line!
John: I wasn't finished!
Its man: Oh, sorry.
John: Its time for something completely different!
Cuts to Terry Jones dressed as a Viking.
Viking: The line is actually: And now for something completely different.
John: [sarcastically] sorry
Viking: you should be
Eric dressed in a tutu and a tiara that completely covers his eyes skips into shot, holding a magic wand.
Eric: [in falsetto] it was sarcasm… [flirty face, giggling] you silly person!
Eric: [normal voice] no…that's not funny
Police officer walks in.
PO (Graham): What's all this then, what's all this then? Break it up you fairies.
Viking: I'm not a fairy, I'm a Viking.
Police officer makes like he is about to punch the Viking in the face.
PO: F'tang f'tang!
Eric: [normal voice] this has gotten too silly! [drops wand and vanishes in a puff of smoke]
PO: Silly is silly is silly! [to camera] get on with it!
Viking: Aw, I was just beginning to enjoy that sketch.
Cuts to the Knights Who Say Ni!
The Leader of the Knights Who Say Ni: We say ni to you today in hopes that you might make a very charitable donation to our cause
Random Knight: Ni!
The Leader of the Knights Who Say Ni: Shut up.
Random Knight: Sorry
The Leader of the Knights Who Say Ni: Good. Anyhoodle, our cause is about making it easier for any knight that says anything, be it ni, ping, neee whom, ikki-ikki-ikki-ikki-f'tang-zoop-boing-smblawsmeggle or any other death-causing words. Er- make it easier for any knight who…does that, easier for any knight- er- to make it easier for them to get a shrubbery that is not too expensive and looks very nice from anyone. So every £ counts.
Random Knight: Wow
Cuts to Luigi Vercotti.
Vercotti: I really hate people that chop victims into bits and send those bits back to the families of the victims every hour on the hour. I mean, yeah, I do it, but for good reason. I mean, blimey, those victims owe me lotsa money and sometimes they tried to do that to me first. So I gotta set a precedent, right? Otherwise everyone would try it. Plus, all the people that I do that to already got it coming to 'em, right? They owe me money so if I don't kill them, then I don't get any reward.
Interviewer (John): But by killing them you don't get money right?
Vercotti: [offended] Look, I don't tell you how to run your business so don't tell me how to run mine.
Cuts to Eric and Michael dressed as a tiger, Eric in the front half, Michael in the back half.
Eric: A leg? No no no, what is a leg anyway? Well we don't have one! I mean, I got two and he's got two and together including the one we hid in the brush back there, we got five in total.
Michael: Yeah, only five. And the one back there belongs to my auntie, you know, the silly woman lost one leg already, we gotta keep this one in the brush and away from her so she don't lose it or nothing. You know what they say, "Lose a leg and then have your nephew and his lover watch over it."
Eric: I'm not your lover!
Michael: But you said you'd be my Valentine!
Eric: Yeah, as a joke. Besides, I already got a Valentine.
Michael: You replaced me?
Eric: No, I never had you as a Valentine.
Michael: [runs away crying] boo hooo!
Eric: Uh…I better go stop him from committing tigercide. You know, the suicide for guys that dress up as the back end of tigers? [hurries off]
Cuts to Viking in the back end of a tiger suit, standing at the edge of a grassy cliff.
Viking: I'm going to end it all!
Eric: [runs up in top of tiger suit] don't end it all!
Viking: [overjoyed] Bonnie, you do care!
Eric: [confused] Bonnie? No, I'm Eric.
Viking: Oh, from the last sketch?
Eric: Yeah. Say, have you seen any guys named Michael dressed as the back end of tigers that are crying incorrigibly?
Viking: Well I saw a herd of them moving in that direction [points to his left]
Eric: Oh…a herd of them?
Viking: Nah, I'm kidding, I just said that because it was in the script. So this is the same guy from the last sketch?
Eric: Yeah him!
Viking: [pointing right]
Eric: [hurrying off]
Cuts to a fancy restaurant flashback. Viking and John (Bonnie) are there.
Jones: Oh Bonnie, you do care!
Bonnie: [fem voice] of course I do, darling! [both giggle]
Cuts to the Police Station with the Police Officer there, Eric in the top half of a tiger suit and Terry Gilliam in a cape and purple underwear standing next to him.
PO: I don't support this kind of silly gayness on this programme.
Eric: [whispering to Gilliam] what did he say?
Gilliam: [whispering back] He doesn't want any gayness on the program but he spelled program wrong.
Eric: He spelled a word he spoke wrong, but how…? Ugh, never mind. So give an example of the gayness he doesn't want.
Gilliam: LIKE THIS! [leaps at the Chapman-Police-Officer guy and starts making out with him]
Eric: [close up] oh…my…God…uh…
Eric starts whispering to someone off camera, is handed a script, flips through pages and then hands the script back off camera. Meanwhile Gilliam and Chapman are rolling around on the floor.
Eric: [slightly confused face] If I could walk that way I wouldn't have expected the Spanish Inquisition.
Cardinals Ximinez, Fang and Biggles of the Spanish Inquisition run into the Police Station.
Ximinez: Nobody ever…uh…[to someone off camera] what was the last bit? [gets handed a script, starts reading aloud] Nobody ever expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Eric: [very confused face] what's my line? [leans over, starts reading script over Ximinez's shoulder] Nobody ever expects- wait no that's your line- oh uh here it is; [without emotion] Wow, I-sure-didn't-expect-you-three-Pope-fanatics. What-are-you-doing-in-Notlob…er Bolton?
Ximinez: Ah, screw it [throws script away] it's improve time!
Eric: [excited face] Goodie!
Ximinez: [pulls out microphone and puts it in Eric's face, talks gently] What's your name?
Eric (Eric): [acting like a kid] Eric
Ximinez: Would you like to have a sixteen-ton weight dropped on top of you, Eric?
Eric: Don't know.
Brief stock shot of theater audience applauding. Back to Police Station.
Ximinez: And what do you want to be when you grow up, Eric?
Eric: Anything except an actor.
Ximinez: [laughs, to camera] oh kids, aren't they just adorable?
Cuts to Dennis Moore as he rides through the night, stealing from the rich and giving to the poor! Dennis Moore! Dennis Moore! Dennis Moore!
DM: [sees Viking on the side of the road, stops his horse] Stand and deliver your lupines.
Viking: Oh no, it's Dennis Moore!
DM: Of course it's me, didn't you just here my theme song playing?
Viking: Well…oh yeah.
DM: Give me your lupines!
Viking: Didn't we do this already?
DM: Uh…yeah I just said it.
Viking: And I already stood and delivered my lupines!
DM: Oh…well in that case I suppose I must leave. [rides off]
Viking: [laughs] Haha what a silly person!
Cuts to a pretty countryside field. The top-halved-tiger-suited-Eric is seen running across the field. At the edge of the field we see a hay bale which the bottom-halved-tiger-suited-Michael is seen standing on.
Eric: Michael! Michael, don't jump!
Michael: Bonnie, you do care!
Eric: [still running and panting] who *huff* is *huff* Bonnie?
Michael: Oh dear I was looking at the wrong page of the script. [pulls out script, flips through it] Uh, here it is; oh Eric, I'm glad that you came. I know that you don't love me, I was only joking.
Eric: [getting to hay bale, stopping and looking up at Michael] Then get the hell off of the (bleep)ing hay bale! That thing is like two feet off the ground!
Eric: It's dangerous! Innit?
Michael: [childishly sulky] I guess.
Eric: Get down from there then!
Michael: [still sulky] fine [starts to get down and almost makes it when he falls over onto the ground, not very far, but he still dies]
Eric: [kneeling next to the fallen Michael, looking ridiculously funny in the tiger outfit.] NOOOOO!
Cuts to Police Officer, who has finally gotten the caped and purple underweared Gilliam off of him. Gilliam is on the ground.
PO: Now that that is over, we can finally turn you over to the studio!
Cuts to Eric in the studio, dressed in a black suit with a yellow tie.
Eric: this episode got pretty ridiculous! But next one is gonna be better. [quiet for a few seconds and then…] nah, I lied, it's going to be pretty much more of the same. Please, please, please review for the author! She'll love you forever! And the same goes for dogs. So next time you're on vacation and you see something amiss, don't hesitate to call the police.
Credits roll and then screen shows in white words over a black background:
We'd like to thank:
• The Spanish Biggles Spiny 'Snapper' Organs 'Two Sheds' Jackson Norman
• Mr. Nudge
• Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern -schplenden -schlitter -crasscrenbon -fried -digger -dangle -dungle -burstein -von -knacker -thrasher -apple -banger -horowitz -ticolensic -grander -knotty -spelltinkle -grandlich -grumblemeyer -spelterwasser -kürstlich -himbleeisen -bahnwagen -gutenabend -bitte -eine -nürnburger -bratwustle -gerspurten -mit -zweimache -luber -hundsfut -gumberaber -shönendanker -kalbsfleisch -mittler -raucher von Hautkopft of Ulm
• The Blancmanges
• Graham Chapman
• Terry Gilliam
• Terry Jones
• Eric Idle
• John Cleese
• and Michael Palin
For not suing me. Thanks guys!