Author: dyslexic-Carmie PM
Just a parody. R/RRated: Fiction K+ - English - Parody/Humor - Words: 1,121 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 3 - Published: 02-20-11 - Status: Complete - id: 6763249
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Arthur was in deep trouble. He had forgotten to bring Kay's sword to the tournament. And Kay was a big guy. If he sat on Arthur, that would be the last breath the poor Wart ever took. He kept that in mind as he and Archimedes, the talking owl, ran back to the hotel to get it.
A sign outside the inn said "Gone for the Tournament", and the door was locked. In a burst of frustration, Wart attacked the wood with his fists, acquiring a few splinters in the process.
"Well, fine! You didn't have a good breakfast buffet, either! Your Lucky Charms taste like the friggin' plague!" he exclaimed.
"Wart, that's not going to get the door open," said Archimedes.
"Shut up, bird, and let me take this out like a man!" Arthur continued to yell at the hotel door, his voice cracking.
"And your muffins were a bit on the dry side! AND YOUR CHOCOLATE CAKE WAS A LIE!"
"Wart, we need to calm down and find a rational way to acquire the sword," sighed Archimedes. Ever since Merlin left, Arthur had been acting weird.
"And who the hell plays a Justin Bieber song after EMINEM?" Now the kid was just copying a rant he'd heard Merlin say once.
"Bieber Fever doesn't exist yet, Wart." This was one of the few bright spots of England's dark age.
"And you can't play two Miley Cyrus songs in a row! I don't care if one of them is Hannah Montana! They are the SAME PERSON!" For someone who sucked at the alphabet, Wart was doing a remarkable job of remembering Merlin's words. Especially since the artists he had ranted about didn't even exist yet.
Inside the hotel, the manger's wife was busy bleaching her mustache. The loud voices outside were making it extremely difficult to focus…
"And stop with the remakes of the classics! You can't top Bob Seger, people!" The kid's voice was especially annoying now that it was beginning to change.
"Will you just SHUT UP?" screamed the manger's wife from the second story window.
"Oh, goody! Someone's here to open the door!" cried Archimedes, attempting to diffuse the tension.
"Go away or I'll set the dogs on you!" It was kind of hard to take her seriously because she had a white streak across her upper lip.
"You mean you're not going to open the door?"
"GO a-WAY!" she repeated. The white stuff was beginning to drip, and Wart stifled a laugh.
"But we left a sword in-"
"If you're not gone in TEN seconds I'm setting the dogs out on you!" The problem with really, really angry people, thought Wart, is that they're often really, really funny looking.
"We need the sword-"
"Uh, Wart… Dogs like to eat owls…."
"Open the door, lady!"
"Wart, we need to go now…"
"Open the door!"
"Wart, dogs are not very nice…" Archimedes had a recurring nightmare of a large canine figure putting him on a bun.
"Open the door!"
Archimedes needed to think fast, or he'd be on the menu with a side of pubescent boy.
"Just open the freaking door, lady!"
Then Archimedes saw it, just a little distance away. The Sword in the Stone! It was going to save his feathery butt, and probably do some other important thing if the kid could get his hands on it.
"Gosh, lady, just get your butt down here and-"
"Wart! Look over there! A sword!"
"But I want the sword that's INSIDE!" It had taken Arthur forever to polish that thing, and Kay had issues when it came to cleanliness.
"Look, we aren't going to be able to get inside…"
"Open this freaking door! I've got an owl and I'm not afraid to use him!"
"Wart! Shut up! I don't even have a pellet ready yet!"
"WART! We need to get that sword over there instead."
"But I want the one-"
"GET THE FREAKING SWORD IN THE STONE OR I WILL CRAP ON YOUR STUPID LITTLE HEAD!"
"Fine!" Wart and Archimedes left before the lady could say ten.
"Dude, this sword is stuck in a block!"
"Pull it out."
"That's what she said!" Wart really needed to stop talking to Merlin.
"You are so immature! Pull the freaking sword out so we can go!"
"Okay, okay…Hey! There's something written on it!" Only the word "King" was visible; the rest was covered by moss.
"Dude, this sword doesn't belong to me. It belongs to a king. I can't pull this out; that's stealing from the king!"
"Read the other words, stupid."
Wart used part of his shirt to wipe off the rest of the sword.
"Who sa- sa- so pu- pu-" Wart was having a hard time reading the words. In fact, he had never actually learned how to read.
"Ah, stop your mumbling! Let me read it, stupid!" The owl cleared his throat. "Who so Pulleth Out This Sword of this Stone and Anvil, is Rightwise King Born of England".
"What does pulleth mean?"
"It means pulls."
"Then why couldn't they just write pulls? I mean, it would take a lot less time to write 'pulls' instead of 'pulleth'."
"It's more proper."
"Just pull the sword out of the stone so we can go!" Archimedes was getting impatient. If they didn't get back to the tournament soon, the pink cotton candy might sell out.
As Wart put his hand on the sword, a beautiful ray of light shined upon him.
"What the-" Wart took his hand off the sword and the light went away. He put his hand back on the sword and the light came back. He did this a few more times because it was kind of cool.
"Wart, stop playing around! We need to get this sword to Kay."
As Wart pulled out the sword, exaggerated classical music began to play. Many voices were heard chanting, "Hail! King Arthur!"
Arthur became the king of England, which was probably a stupid idea because he was twelve and illiterate. But that didn't matter; he could pull a sword from a stone, and that meant he had a pure heart or something.
While looking through fanfiction categories, I saw one for the Sword in the Stone. That was the movie my sister/editor, Nicole, and I watched a ton of times as kids. So that's why I wrote this. REVIEW.
^^Is that a real abbreviation?