731 words, not counting author's notes, according to Word.

A/N at the bottom.

Hic Iacet Iudicium; or, Mesmerising Idiocy

by Incendiarist

If a man needs an elaborate tombstone in order to remain in the memory of his country, it is clear that his living at all was an act of absolute superfluity. ~Oscar Wilde

Here lies Artemis Fowl II

1/9/1990 - 4/4/2016

A good friend, obedient son,

And loving fiancé, I'm told.

(The first Mud-Man to be

Engaged to an elf, too.)

Seems my henchmen aren't

Entirely useless, after all.

They can read the newspaper

Obituaries, it seems.

(Yes, I know he was declared

Dead last year, having

Gone missing in 2013.

I would have killed him sooner,

But the irony was just too good

To resist. And I figured that

Miss Short would... ahem, appreciate

The date, too, of course.)

He was also, as I can say

First-hand, a lovely corpse.

I'd told him that he would,

The first time we met, you know.

He didn't listen, the cowpóg.

Not that that was in any way

Surprising, of course.

He always was stubborn.

Now, I'm sure you're wondering

Why I'm telling you all this.

...

To be honest, I don't know either.

I was just sort of - I don't know -

Compelled to write all of this.

(It's almost as though I was

Mesmerised, actually. How curious.)

Never mind the fact that

I'm a genius, and geniuses,

(Yes, that's grammatically correct,

Actually, so don't say anything.

It can be either 'genii' or 'geniuses'.

I happen to think 'geniuses'

has a nicer ring to it.)

You'd think, would know better

Than to do any of this.

I really should have simply disposed

Of the cadaver, and not bothered

About irony, or Mr. Fowl's former

Bride-to-be's emotional stability or

lack thereof. But I'm not, oddly enough.

And, actually, come to think of it,

I didn't tell Mr. Fowl that he would make

A lovely corpse when we first met.

...

Let's just all ignore this giant,

gaping plot-hole, shall we?

A/N: 'Hic iacet iudicium' means, roughly, 'here lies common sense', or 'here lies good judgement'. And yes, I know the Latin titles are probably starting to irritate you. Sorry about that.

This affectionately parodies a good number of things in the fandom, including AH, the 'Arty lied when he said he didn't have magic left' plot, Atlantis Complex, and general fanon included, but it was originally meant to parody the tendency of death!fics to end with whatever tastes-like-diabetes epitaph the author manages to come up with.

Thanks for reading; please review.