|Hic Iacet Iudicium
Author: Incendiarist PM
She's finally killed him. The date is wonderfully ironic, the epitaph she's written is perfect. There's only one problem. She didn't intend to write any epitaph. Just dispose of the body and be done with it. So why—oh, gods. /ArtemisxHolly./Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Opal K. - Words: 463 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 2 - Published: 02-26-11 - Status: Complete - id: 6780491
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
731 words, not counting author's notes, according to Word.
A/N at the bottom.
Hic Iacet Iudicium; or, Mesmerising Idiocy
If a man needs an elaborate tombstone in order to remain in the memory of his country, it is clear that his living at all was an act of absolute superfluity. ~Oscar Wilde
Here lies Artemis Fowl II
1/9/1990 - 4/4/2016
A good friend, obedient son,
And loving fiancé, I'm told.
(The first Mud-Man to be
Engaged to an elf, too.)
Seems my henchmen aren't
Entirely useless, after all.
They can read the newspaper
Obituaries, it seems.
(Yes, I know he was declared
Dead last year, having
Gone missing in 2013.
I would have killed him sooner,
But the irony was just too good
To resist. And I figured that
Miss Short would... ahem, appreciate
The date, too, of course.)
He was also, as I can say
First-hand, a lovely corpse.
I'd told him that he would,
The first time we met, you know.
He didn't listen, the cowpóg.
Not that that was in any way
Surprising, of course.
He always was stubborn.
Now, I'm sure you're wondering
Why I'm telling you all this.
To be honest, I don't know either.
I was just sort of - I don't know -
Compelled to write all of this.
(It's almost as though I was
Mesmerised, actually. How curious.)
Never mind the fact that
I'm a genius, and geniuses,
(Yes, that's grammatically correct,
Actually, so don't say anything.
It can be either 'genii' or 'geniuses'.
I happen to think 'geniuses'
has a nicer ring to it.)
You'd think, would know better
Than to do any of this.
I really should have simply disposed
Of the cadaver, and not bothered
About irony, or Mr. Fowl's former
Bride-to-be's emotional stability or
lack thereof. But I'm not, oddly enough.
And, actually, come to think of it,
I didn't tell Mr. Fowl that he would make
A lovely corpse when we first met.
Let's just all ignore this giant,
gaping plot-hole, shall we?
A/N: 'Hic iacet iudicium' means, roughly, 'here lies common sense', or 'here lies good judgement'. And yes, I know the Latin titles are probably starting to irritate you. Sorry about that.
This affectionately parodies a good number of things in the fandom, including AH, the 'Arty lied when he said he didn't have magic left' plot, Atlantis Complex, and general fanon included, but it was originally meant to parody the tendency of death!fics to end with whatever tastes-like-diabetes epitaph the author manages to come up with.
Thanks for reading; please review.