|Link and Zelda Get Their Driver's Licenses
Author: Villain-of-Awesome PM
Jezz... I hope not!Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Link & Zelda - Words: 2,077 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 10 - Published: 03-08-11 - Status: Complete - id: 6806358
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Link and Zelda Get Their Driver's Licenses
"God dammit Link! How long is it going to take us to get up Death Mountain?" Zelda shouted as she held on to Link.
The hero rolled his eyes and sighed in annoyance, "Maybe a lot faster if you would stop backseat riding!"
Link and Zelda rode on the horse Epona as they made their way to the peak of Death Mountain. It was very hot, for it was noon, and the sun was high up in the sky. Link was drenched in his own sweat, and he didn't know whether horses could sweat or not, but he was pretty sure Epona was the same way. Zelda, being the rich bitch that she was, carried a parasol in one hand as she held on to Link with the other; it didn't do much to cool her down however.
Epona climbed the mountain, trying with all her might, but the horse could only do so much while going uphill and carrying two heavy humans.
"Why did you have to come with me anyway, your highness," the teenager said the last two words with emphasis, "You could have just snapped and you would have had a carriage going up here in no time!"
"Well, I DID like you and all, and I was thinking if we came up here alone then we could have done something kinky!"
Zelda's words caught Link's attention… in two ways.
"But nooooooooooo! The hero wants to be a rude ass!" Zelda added, with plenty of frustration in her voice.
Link had no idea that Zelda thought this way, and he really was in the prefect make out spot… But no, she was mad now…
Link then slapped himself for thinking stupid thoughts like that. He was the Hero of Time! If he could enter dungeons boldly and come back in one piece, then he could be bold with Zelda, and things should turn out alright! (This doesn't always work very well in real life)
The hero then turned his torso towards Zelda, grabbed her head with both hands, and pulled her lips toward his own. The princess had the idea to resist, but that idea never came to motion. Zelda simply melted in Link's arms, dropped her parasol, and returned Link's passionate kiss.
The problem with this is that with Link and Zelda's hormones raging out of control, so was Epona. Link was no longer in control of the horse, and as a result, he accidentally steered her directly into mud. Losing control of her own feet, the horse slipped and fell in the mud, taking Link and Zelda with her.
"DAMMIT EPONA! Ain't you smart enough to avoid mud?" Link scolded in anger, as he stood up and tried to clean himself of the mud..
The horse snorted in frustration, understanding everything Link said. However, Epona's bad luck didn't stop there. Death Mountain began to shake violently, causing multiple rocks and boulders to fall off the side of the structure. Link and Zelda quickly ran into a nearby cave, praying that the small shelter would give them protection. Fortunately for them, it did. The cave held up steadily as the small avalanche passed by.
The mistake that they made was the fact that they forgot about Epona. The poor horse was still unable to stand as the rocks came crashing down. Epona struggled to get up, being missed by the rocks because of sheer luck. But that luck ran out when a big ass boulder leapt off of the top of the mountain like a bungee jumper and smashed dead into Epona.
The horse neighed the loudest, most painful neigh of her life before toppling off of the side of the mountain and falling to its death.
"Damn… that sucks…" Zelda said when she witnessed this event.
Link however, took it much, much harder.
"DAMN YOU DEATH MOUNTAIN! YOU KILLED MY HORSE! DAAAAAMN YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!"
If Death Mountain could speak, you could tell that it was currently laughing at Link.
A Few Days Later
"Zelda, this walking thing sucks. I need to get a new mode of transportation soon."
Link sat in Hyrule Castle, still agitated by the fact that Death Mountain killed Epona.
"If I could kick that mountain's ass I would!"
"Now, now, Link," Zelda began in her attempt to calm the hero down, "It may have been for the best. After all, horses are not the most efficient mode of transportation."
"But still, it was a mode of transportation I could use!" Link explained, "The only other thing out there is for me to get my driver's license."
"THAT'S IT!" Zelda shouted upon hearing Link's brilliance, "You can get your driver's license! All the cool kids have theirs anyway!"
"Oh hell no, Zelda! Cars are dangerous. Especially in Hyrule."
"Don't be a baby! How about this: I will come with you to the DMV, and we will get our licenses together!"
"Can you drive?"
"No, this is why getting our licenses is a bad idea."
"Come on! How hard can it be?"
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? I SAID TURN LEFT ZELDA!"
The driving tester was almost scared to tears as he slid left and right in the passenger seat of the small Honda. Princess Zelda was in control of the car, smiling the biggest smile of her life as she ran red lights, side swiped other vehicles, and ran over and possibly killed multiple pedestrians.
"BUT I DID TURN LEFT!"
"I MEANT YOUR OTHER LEFT!"
"Oh, oops. I'll turn around and change that."
"NO! YOU'RE GOOD JUST…"
The tester was not heard. Zelda was too focused with her own driving to pay attention to the useless blather of the man in the passenger seat. The princess then suddenly made a U-turn, cutting off a man on a horse and smashing into a fruit stand, utterly and literally destroying the owner's business.
"SORRY! I'M A NEW DRIVER!" Zelda called out before stepping on the gas and speeding off.
The little Honda went from 0 to 100mph in about 30 seconds, and speed back towards the DMV. Upon seeing a nearby curve leading toward her destination, Zelda did the impossible and drifted the automatic car at high speed towards the parking lot. The momentum of the slide did not keep the car on the ground, and instead caused it to flip sideways several times before coming to a complete stop. The Honda was totaled.
The streets of Hyrule Castle Town was in chaos after Zelda's test. Buildings were destroyed, famous landmarks were wrecked, and the streets were covered in blood. Pedestrians ran around frantically trying to find missing items, missing people, and missing limps.
"So… did I pass?" Zelda asked as she exited the car, completely unharmed.
The tester said nothing. In fact, the tester did absolutely nothing at all… because he was dead. It wasn't the wreck that killed him; it was a heart attack, caused by the stress of riding with Princess Zelda. In other words: she scared him to death.
It was now Link's turn to take his test. The hero opened the door to the small Ford, entered the vehicle, and closed the door behind him. His tester noticed the trouble caused by Princess Zelda, and decided that it was best for him to wear a helmet. Within a minute of putting on his protective headgear, the tester entered the passenger side of Link's car, and strapped on his seat belt.
"My name is Mr. Williams by the way," the tester said with a nervous smile.
"Hey, I'm Link!" greeted the hero as he shook his tester's hand, "Say… I've been hearing a lot of ruckus about Princess Zelda. Did she pass?"
Mr. Williams frowned at this question, but he answered promptly, "I'm afraid that Her Highness will not be getting her license…"
"Oh, that's a shame."
Link gulped when he heard the last word.
"No pressure though, just don't do what she did."
"None of it."
"NONE OF IT!"
"I got you the first time!"
"Link, if you drive as badly as Zelda, I swear to God, I will kill you!"
Link sighed, and prepared for his test. He put on his seat belt, he adjusted his seat, and he checked his mirrors. So far so good. He then put the keys in the ignition and turned on the car. Mr. Williams was beginning to grow a little more confident. Link then placed both hands on the steering wheel, and pulled out slowly.
Mr. Williams beamed at Link, for his driving skills were 400 times better than Zelda's. The hero parallel parked, he stopped at the stop signs, he put the car in reverse and backed up with no problems, and he cruised the streets… safely and properly.
"I guess horse riding skills transfer over to car driving skills," Link mused.
Mr. Williams shrugged. It didn't matter where or how Link learned how to drive, all that mattered was that he was doing it, and he was with very little problems. Link was sure to pass… if not for what was going to happen in the very near future.
A man… a short man, spotted Link from up ahead. He was wearing the greens of the forest, but what threw his already ridiculous outfit off was the red underwear that he wore over his jumpsuit.
"No… it can't be… could it?" the man asked himself upon seeing the driver of the Ford.
The man squinted a little harder, but the figure he was looking at became clearer as it drew closer to him.
"It is! It's Mr. Fairy! But… this means… this means that…"
The man's brain near broke when it figured out what was happening.
"FAIRIES CAN DRIVE!"
The man then ran directly in front of the car and stopped in front of it. Link and Mr. Williams were completely overcome with shock when they seen the man pop up in front of them. You know what happens when a deer jumps out of the woods and gets caught in the headlights of a car? That's this current scene.
"OH GOD IT'S A TINGLE!" Link shouted before he stumped on the breaks as hard as he could.
The Ford's bumper immediately crashed into the little man. But instead of sending him flying, Tingle flipped and rolled onto the hood and smashed directly into the windshield, turning his face into a bloody pulp.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Link and Mr. Williams in horror as they watched Tingle's body slide slowly off of the windshield.
"DRIVE AWAY! DRIVE AWAY!" shouted Mr. Williams in a panic.
Link complied, and backed away from the scene of the crime. The hero then drove as fast as he could, still in shock from the previous scene. He was no longer in control of the car however, for he soon crashed again into a horse carriage.
SMASH, was the sound it made as the carriage was destroyed by the car. Link however did not speed off from this accident, for he knew exactly who he crashed into. Against the protests of Mr. Williams, Link stopped and exited the car to see if the carriage riders were okay. Mr. Williams, still wearing his helmet, slid into the driver's side of the Ford and sped off.
"MALON! MALOOOON!" Link called out, as he ran to the Lon Lon Ranch carriage.
The red haired girl, Malon, crawled out from under the debris. The two horses that pulled the carriage died, but as long as Malon was safe, Link was sure everything would be alright.
"Link…" Malon called out weakly, "Is that you?"
"Yes, Malon… I'm so sorry!" Link said as he grabbed Malon and pulled her close to him.
"Why…" Malon began, "Why were you driving a car?"
"Because…" Link lowered his head in despair, "Ebona was killed by Death Mountain, and I needed new transportation.
Upon hearing this, Malon stood up, looked towards the mountain and shouted this at the top of her lungs: "DAMN YOU DEATH MOUNTAIN! YOU KILLED MY HORSE! DAAAAAMN YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!"
If Death Mountain could speak, you could tell that it was currently laughing at Malon.