|The choices you make
Author: Wills4361 PM
Naya/Heather story loosely based on episode 15Rated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Angst - Brittany P. & Santana L. - Chapters: 3 - Words: 21,856 - Reviews: 121 - Favs: 147 - Follows: 167 - Updated: 07-10-11 - Published: 03-09-11 - id: 6809718
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Christ, that episode last night killed me! Must have watched it like ten times already and each time I am sat there bawling! This idea just popped in to my head when I was watching it
None of this happened
Naya sat in her trailer, her nails tapping incessantly on the hard wood of the table. She had been sat there for the past two hours unmoving, eyes unfocussed on anything but the thoughts in her head running at a hundred miles an hour.
The trailer felt like a graveyard compared to safe haven of laughter and love it had been over the many, many months she had spent in it. It was without the smiles, without the jokes and most of all it was without the blonde who had come to take over all her thoughts and feelings.
It had been three days since Heather moved her stuff in to a trailer with Harry. Three days since Dianna had come to be the wrong blonde who walked through the door after every day and gave Naya a sad smile when the realisation that the flash of blonde at the door wasn't the right one shone through in Naya's eyes.
Three days and Naya couldn't remember wishing she could go back to that moment and take it back. But she couldn't and now she had to live with the consequences. She tried to block out the memory, she had tried for the past 72 hours, but every time she closed her eyes she saw sad blue ones looking back at her.
She hadn't meant to do it. She had always told herself that she would never do it. She loved her best friend too much to ever do anything to threaten it but it had all become too much and now she was sat drowning in her endless guilt and heartache wondering how she was going to carry on with her day.
Naya sighed as she held back the tears and closed her eyes, immediately being filled with the vision of her first real heartbreak.
It was a Monday night. Monday night was always their night. It had become it the first week Heather had ever come on set. They had gone out to the movies that night as a way of Naya and Heather getting to know each other. It just so happened that every subsequent Sunday a text would be sent from one to the other asking if they wanted to do something the following day. As time passed the texts stopped but the time they spent together on a Monday night never did.
They were tired from filming that day so they just decided that they would chill out at Heather's, watch bad television and eat their own weight in junk food. They were half way through their second episode of Real Housewives of some area when Naya felt warm skin pressed up against her own. As always she had to close her eyes and take a deep breath to control herself.
She knew how cliché it was to fall in love with your best friend. But that was the thing with Heather; she couldn't understand how everyone didn't fall in love with her. Their intimacy was both a blessing and a curse for Naya, she cherished the moments when she got to be close with her, when they would cuddle, hold hands or just simply lean against each other. But these were also the moments that tore her heart apart because she knew this is the best that she would ever get. Heather had a boyfriend, a boyfriend that had been in the picture a lot longer than Naya and wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.
She finally reopened her eyes as the head on her shoulder nuzzled further in to her and an arm snaked around her waist holding her closer. Naya was sure that Heather must hear the thudding heartbeat threatening to break free from her chest, but she never ever mentioned it.
"I'm cold Nay" Heather mumbled against her shoulder, her mouth half covered by Naya's jumper.
"Do you want me to go get a blanket?" Naya asked, trying to keep her voice even.
The arm around Naya's body just gripped on to her tighter and Heather moved more of her body so it was pressed up against Naya's.
"No need, as my best friend you also get the job of being my personal heater, you're just that lucky" Heather smirked as she leant up to leave a wet kiss on the end of Naya's nose.
Naya turned her head back to the television and had to bite her lip to hold herself together. It was getting worse; it had been getting worse for the past few months now. She didn't know whether it was seeing Heather all over Kevin all day when they filmed or the recent photos and press of Heather and her boyfriend floating about everywhere. But Naya knew that she wasn't going to able to hold out for much longer.
Two weeks ago she had called a spontaneous party at her house when everyone else finally found out, although from what they had told her afterwards it was clear everyone already knew, well everyone except for Heather.
She and Heather were supposed to of gone to dinner together that night but Heather's boyfriend had called an hour before and told her he had booked reservations as a surprise. And despite Heather's insistence that she didn't want to cancel, Naya had been the good friend she was and told her best friend that it didn't matter and her boyfriend was more important. It was a type of heartbreak that Naya wasn't even aware that she could feel.
That night she had text everyone saying she was having a housewarming party at her new house. No one questioned why it hadn't been spoken of before, thinking back now Naya realised that everyone must of already had some idea, she and Heather had been talking about the night they had planned all day.
Everyone turned up with alcohol to top the small vineyard of wine that Naya had already brought. They laughed, they got drunk and inevitably when Kevin said how sad it was that Heather wasn't there Naya broke down and told them everything.
Everyone hugged her and whispered that it would be okay, they said that it was pretty obvious and not only from Naya's side. The false hope that the other's had installed in her was quickly diminished when Heather came in the next day squealing over how amazing her night was while Naya plastered on her fake smile and said how happy she was for Heather. That night Dianna came over and held her for hours while she cried.
"You're all thinky tonight" Heather mumbled as they continued to watch the television "I don't think it when you're like this, you never talk much"
"Sorry" Naya managed to croak out "Just really tired from filming"
"You sure you're not bored of me" Heather playfully nudged her.
"Never, you're my best friend babe" Naya managed a smile through her inner torment.
Heather looked up at her for a moment "You sure you're not replacing me with Dianna?" Heather asked with a smile but Naya could see the seriousness in her eyes, she saw it every time she looked over at Heather when her and Dianna were talking or hugging when Naya was upset. She knew Heather was jealous, but she knew it wasn't the jealousy she wanted.
"No, how many times do I have to tell you, you're my favourite" Naya smiled when a beaming smile was thrown her way and Heather moved closer to her, she threw a leg over Naya's lap bringing their bodies impossibly closer again.
"Good because you're my favourite too" Naya physically shuddered as Heather started brushing her thumb over the skin just beneath her shirt.
A couple of hours and one very unwatched film later Naya eventually decided that it was time that she should leave to go to bed.
"Right HeMo, thanks for the great night, but I need to get going. Ryan will kill us if we fall asleep in our trailers again" Naya smiled as she remembered the memory of her and Heather falling asleep curled up on the couch when they were supposed to be on set.
"Nay, don't be ridiculous it's like midnight you might as well just crash here" Heather insisted as she cleared up the endless plates and bowls still half filled with food from the night.
"But Ash is in so I can't stay in her bed and I really don't fancy having a bad back from sleeping on the couch tomorrow" Naya tried to protest but she knew it was useless.
Heather looked at her like she was being ridiculous. "I wouldn't let you sleep on the couch anyway, come sleep with me in my bed silly you have like a million times before"
It was true she had done, but this had been before Heather's boyfriend had come back on the scene properly. And since then Naya had managed to get out of sleeping over at Heather, she knew she couldn't face the smell and feel of another person's body in Heather's bed.
Naya didn't even have a chance to properly respond before she was being pulled up the stairs by Heather. She closed her eyes and held her breath as she entered the bedroom that so often filled her dreams. Thankfully when she finally started to breathe again all she could smell was the delicious smell of Heather mixed with her fabric softener.
She changed in to an old pair of sweats and one of Heather's dancer's t shirts, facing away from her best friend, unable to trust herself to hold it together with a very unclothed Heather in her proximity.
"I like the way you look in my clothes" Heather commented with a smile before getting under the covers, it was enough to make Naya have to choke back a sob.
After she got in to the bed, there was silence for a few minutes, but she knew Heather wasn't asleep yet. She felt a warm arm graze across her body and pull her close for the second time tonight, Heather spooning her from behind.
"I like how we fit together, I miss sleeping with you" Heather's breath ghosted over her neck and cheek and Naya had to keep the tears that were threatening to spill at bay. She just murmured her agreements and let Heather cuddle closer to her.
Ten minutes later Naya knew Heather was finally asleep as her breathing levelled out. As soon as she could she gently disengaged herself from her best friend's arms and sat up swinging her legs over the bed and held her head in her hands. She couldn't control it, the whole night had been too much, she knew she was at breaking point.
She tried as best she could to muffle the sobs that were wracking through her body, her body shaking as she silently cried. After several more minutes she eventually managed to calm herself down as she wiped her eyes and decided that she just couldn't stay there anymore. Sure she would have to explain to Heather in the morning why she left, but that was much better than her other option.
Before she stood to leave she glanced one more time back at the blonde sleeping next to her and was shocked to be met with bright blue eyes looking back at her in the moonlight.
"You were crying and now you're leaving" Heather said sadly as she took in Naya's dishevelled state.
This caused a whole new round of hysteria on Naya's part, she knew that she just couldn't hold it together anymore. She felt herself collapse back on to the bed to be engulfed immediately by waiting arms.
Naya let herself go completely, finally letting all the pain of the last few months properly out to the person that she promised herself she never would. But she didn't care, she knew she couldn't of kept it up for much longer anyway.
After a while Naya's sobs calmed down until she was eventually lied on top of Heather, her hands still gripping her shirt as she sniffled in to her shoulder.
"We need to talk" Heather said gently.
Naya physically gulped and went to start to try and say something to cover up before she was cut off by Heather.
"I know Naya" Heather spoke softly while Naya went wide eyed as her worst fears had been realised. Heather knew and that was something that Naya had wished would never happen.
"I have always known Naya, I think everyone else does too" Heather continued.
"I'm sorry" Was all Naya managed to whisper out as more tears threatened to fall. She was suddenly pushed off of Heather and on to her back, while the blonde girl moved to hover above you.
"Never say you're sorry, you have nothing to say sorry for" Heather said with desperation in her eyes as she clung to Naya's wrists.
"Heather I-" Naya started but was cut off again.
"Just let me speak okay and then you can say whatever you want, just let me speak first" Naya just nodded slowly.
"I have always know Nay, I mean look at us you'd have to be a fool to think that there was nothing more than friendship between us" Heather spoke with a sad smile.
"I am crazy about you Naya like l literally can't even tell you how much" Heather's eyes were now brimming with tears too. "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, like I love Glee and it's changed my life, but most of that is because I got to meet you and I do truly think that it was fated" Heather and Naya both managed a slight laugh at the joke, hands reaching down and tangling together.
"Naya, you must know I love you, God I am so in love with you sometimes it physically hurts to not be around you" Heather started to properly cry and it was Naya's turn to comfort her despite barely being able to hold it together herself.
"You are the best part of my day and I am not gonna lie, I think my heart always has and always will belong to you" Heather said, placing their joined hands over her chest.
"But" Heather started.
"Don't" Naya choked out, knowing the inevitable was coming.
"But, I can't just leave someone who has been there for me for years. I can't do that to him when he has been nothing but perfect to me. And I do love him Naya, not necessarily in the same way I love you but I can't just leave him and you have to understand that because you know that's not who I am" Heather was barely able to speak as she took in the heartbreak on Naya's face.
"But I just love you so much" Naya sobbed in to Heather's chest as she pounded her fists on Heather's chest.
"And I love you too, I just…I just can't do that to him Naya" Heather cried against Naya's hair.
They pulled apart and finally looked at each other in the eye. Both of them mirrored the heartache that the other was feeling. Heather knew she shouldn't, she knew it was selfish and so unfair but she couldn't help it as she surged forward and pressed their lips together.
Naya gasped as she felt Heather's lips upon her own and Heather took the invitation to push her tongue in to the other woman's mouth. Naya could taste the saltiness of both of their tears as the continued to sob as they kissed.
They clung to each other as tight as they could as they continued to move their lips and tongues against each other. It held none of the awkwardness that a first kiss can possess, instead they kissed like they had been lovers for years.
It was shattering Naya's heart the longer it went on, it was one of those kisses that you could wait a lifetime to experience. It was one of those kisses that came with the promise that it would only ever be a onetime thing and it held all the hope that Naya had ever had for her and Heather.
Eventually they broke apart, both out of breath with tears still rolling down their faces.
"Heather-" Naya started but Heather just pressed a finger to Naya's lips which was quickly followed up by a gentle press of the lips.
"Don't say anything, just stay here tonight please I can't be without you tonight" Heather pleaded desperately.
Naya felt herself torn, she wanted nothing more than to lie with Heather but she didn't know if her body and heart could physically handle it.
"Please" Heather pleaded again and Naya felt all her resolve crumbled as she took in the broken girl before her.
She pulled Heather on to her, Naya lying on her back and Heather resting in the crook of her neck, her leg and arm thrown over her body, squeezing on to her tightly. Heather's hand stroked her side as they both lied there in the devastation that had become their relationship.
"I love you" Heather whispered against Naya's neck.
"I love you too" Naya whispered back, a lone tear running down her cheek.
The next morning Heather woke, feeling cold and alone. She felt around for the other body she longed for before eventually opening her eyes to see Naya sat where she had been last night. On the edge of her bed with her head in her hands, silently sobbing.
"Baby" The sentiment slipped off of Heather's tongue before she thought, she heard Naya choke slightly.
"No, Heath, now can you please just let me talk" Naya croaked, still turned away from Heather.
"Can you please at least look at me?" Heather asked.
"No, I can't. Because if I do I don't think that I'll ever be able to leave" Naya answered honestly, causing both women to start crying for what seemed the hundredth time since the previous night.
"Heather I am so in love with you and it's killing me. You are my best friend and I honestly don't know how I will cope without you in my life" Naya started, the words hitting Heather causing her to gasp.
"You are not going to have to do that, seriously Naya, I need you in my life you can't leave me" Heather tried to grip on to Naya to turn her round but it was no use.
"Heather, I can't have you in my life and not be able to be with you. I can't see you every day and not touch you and hold you and kiss you" Naya breathed out heavily.
"Then we can do all of those things, please Naya just don't leave me" Heather said desperately.
"No, you know we can't, you were right you can't do that. So I am telling you that although we will obviously have to be around each other with work and that, I just can't…I just can't do this anymore" Naya finished gesturing between them.
Heather started to cry harder "So that's it then, we act like strangers to each other and pretend that it's gonna be alright?"
"Fuck, of course it's not gonna be alright Heather, but I can't be around you and pretend not to be in love with you anymore. I need to try and move on and I can't do that with how we are, can you not understand that?" Naya begged her.
Heather knew that Naya was right, she knew she had to let Naya go if she wanted to be truly faithful to her boyfriend and she couldn't carry on doing this to Naya, she loved her too much to hurt her like that.
She laid her head down on Naya's shoulder, wrapping her arms tight around her savouring the last of the moments that had changed everything between them.
"We'll be okay" Naya whispered, squeezing Heather's hand tight before standing up quickly and leaving, without even looking back at Heather. Heather collapsed back on to the bed and sat in the weight of Naya's lie. There was no way that either of them would be okay.
The knock at her trailer door pulled Naya out of the painful memory she was reliving. Dianna stepped through with a sad smile on her face.
"Ryan is asking for you babe, they need you on set" Dianna said carefully, she didn't know whether Naya or Heather would be able to handle shooting this scene.
It would have been a scene Naya would have only dreamed of before all of this. Santana finally telling Brittany she loved her and wanted to be with her. Although Brittany rejects her it's clear that it's only a matter of time before they will eventually be together properly. If only her own life was going to have that outcome.
"Let's just get this over with" Naya sighed as she hauled herself up and walked over to Dianna, grasping her hand as she went.
When they made their way on to the set, Naya tried not to look at Heather but didn't miss the blonde nervously pacing over by the lockers where their scene would take place. She saw Heather's head turn and quickly dropped her gaze. She hadn't looked Heather in the eye since that eventful night, she just couldn't handle it.
"Okay Naya, if you start and walk in from over here then walk over to Heather and we will just see what you guys come up with okay?" Ryan asked with a smile, completely oblivious to what was actually happening.
Naya managed a slightly smile and a nod. She tried to get in to character but her heart was nothing short of racing and all she could think about is how she would have to tell Heather for a second time how much she loved her and again get rejected for a boy. She already found herself having to hold back the tears.
"Okay and action" Ryan called.
She slowly made her way over to where Heather was stood at her locker. She found herself still flicking her eyes away from the blonde as she approached unable to trust herself to keep her emotions in check.
Eventually there was no room distance to cover and she found herself stood right in front of Heather.
"Hi" Naya said sadly, trying to stay in character.
"Hey" Heather replied, conspicuously without her usual vacant Brittany gaze, she knew Heather was struggling with this as much as she was.
"Can we talk?" Naya was just trying to focus on her lines as much as she could.
"But we never do that" Heather said, placing the folder back in to the locker.
"I know, but um I wanted to thank you for performing that song with me in Glee club" Naya said softly, still finding it unbearable to look Heather in the eye.
"Yeah" Heather muttered quietly.
"Cause it's made me do a lot of thinking" Naya heard her voice start to waver "What I've realised is why I'm such a bitch all the time.
Naya took a deep breath willing herself to stay in character, although the parallels of her and Santana's situation were unreal.
"I'm a bitch because I'm angry, I'm angry because I have all of these feelings" Naya couldn't take the sad looks that Heather was giving her. If it hadn't of been for actual reasons, Naya would of told Heather that she was doing the best acting of her life.
"Feelings for you…that' I'm afraid of dealing with" Naya had to look away when she said the first part, she knew if she looked at Heather she would break down.
"Because I'm afraid of dealing with the consequences" Naya felt her voice start to shake again, she gulped to try and stop the emotion over flowing.
"Now Brittany, I can't go to an Indigo girl's concert…I just can't"
"I understand that" Heather's gently voice was wearing Naya down, she knew she was speaking to Heather and not to Brittany.
"Do you understand what I'm trying to say here?" Naya asked, the tears welling in her eyes.
"No, not really" Heather answered, but her eyes betrayed her and Naya knew that Heather knew exactly what she was saying.
This was the line Naya was dreading, because these were the exact words that she would say to Heather herself. She felt herself stop and delay the line. In the end she had to take a deep breath and she looked at Heather straight in the eye. Naya realised if she was going to do this and do this well she might as well use her own pain to try and get through it and hopefully she would only have to do it the once.
"I wanna be with you" Naya heard Heather's breath hitch at the confession.
"But I'm afraid of the talks and the looks. I mean you know what happened to Kurt at this school" Naya said sadly.
"But honey if anyone were to ever make fun of you" Naya had to turn away from Heather as she heard the unscripted sentiment "You would either kick their ass or slash them with your vicious, vicious words."
It had become too much for Heather, the 'honey' had made it not about Brittany and Santana but about them and she felt herself start to sob slightly as she spoke.
"Yeah I know but I'm so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back" Naya was fighting hard to keep her voice in check.
"Still I have to accept…that I love you" Naya knew she was completely out of character now, this is exactly what she had wished she had said to Heather last night, she knew it wouldn't change anything but she just had to let Heather properly know. Heather gave her a sad look, her lips were pursed together, Naya knew that look it was when Heather was trying to stop herself from crying.
"I love you and I don't wanna be with Sam or Finn or any of those other guys…I just want you" Naya said surprisingly strongly. Heather's sad gaze remained unchanged, she didn't trust herself to open herself up to much, she knew she wouldn't be able to stop herself from reaching out and just holding Naya.
Naya felt herself shaking, she had one line left to really make it count.
"Please say you love me back…please" Naya begged, she added on the extra please, she just needed to hear Heather say it one more time.
"Of course I love you, I do" Heather insisted, trying to will Naya to believe her "And I would totally be with you if it weren't for Artie" Heather had to stop herself from saying her boyfriend's name.
"Artie" Naya replied, she knew that in this conversation Artie was really Heather's boyfriend.
"I love him too" Heather started, but she wanted so much to say that she loved Naya more.
Naya couldn't help but give Heather the most pained expression she could muster, her heart was getting broken all over again, she was fighting her body that just wanted to run off set.
"I don't wanna hurt him, that's not right I can't break up with him" Heather couldn't believe how much this fictional situation was actually reflecting her own life, it was as if the writers had actually based this on her and Naya.
"Yes you can he's just a stupid boy" Naya could hear the whine in her voice and she hated it, she wished Heather would just pick her.
"But it wouldn't be right…Santana you have to know that if Artie and I were to ever break up and I'm lucky enough that your still single" Heather was trying to let Naya know that this was the case in their real life, if she was to ever be single again Naya was the only person she would ever want.
Heather reached out to grab Naya's arm, to try and show her that she meant this about them not their characters. The unscripted move caught Naya of guard and she forced Heather's hand away.
"Don't" It wasn't in the script but no one had stopped them yet.
"I'm so yours. Proudly so" Heather finished and she meant it, she knew that she would always belong to Naya.
Naya was barely keeping it together. She felt her rage and anger with the situation boil up as she said her next line.
"Yeah well wow, who ever thought that being fluid meant that you could be so stuck" Naya spoke truthfully, it was her own exact thoughts.
The scene was supposed to end there with Naya walking away but Heather continued.
"I'm sorry" Heather raised her arms to try and give Naya a hug when she was met with resistance "Don't…I'm sorry" She yelped as Naya pushed her roughly off of her.
"Get off me" Naya cried out, before giving Heather one last glance and storming out off of the set.
Heather looked around the set. Everyone had gathered to watch them including the rest of the cast. She looked at Dianna and Lea who looked as close to tears as she was.
"Wow…I don't even know where that came from but that was great, that scene was perfect you can go chill out until your next scene" Ryan smiled at her, seemingly impressed.
Heather looked back to where Lea and Dianna had been to see Lea standing there alone looking sadly at Heather.
As Naya reached her trailer she threw herself down on to the couch and sobbed as hard as she could ever remember. If it was possible that scene had hurt her more than the first goodbye they had had. That wasn't acting that was their own life and relationship on film and Naya had begged Heather and still nothing had changed. It never would.
Naya was practically hyperventilating by the time Dianna opened the door and had wrapped her arms around her. There were no words she needed to say to her friend, she couldn't imagine the pain that she was going through now. She just sat there and held Naya, knowing that now more than ever she was going to need someone to be there for her.
Two hours later, Dianna eventually stepped out of Naya's trailer. She had eventually fallen asleep in Dianna's arms after exhausting herself. Dianna had shed a fair few tears herself and simply didn't know how they were all going to carry on working like this.
She stepped down and was met with the sight of Heather sat on the steps head in hands.
Dianna sat down next to her wrapping her arms tightly around her friend.
"You really shouldn't have sat here and listened to all of that, it couldn't have been easy" Dianna said sadly, moving blonde hair back behind her friend's ear.
"It's what I deserve, I've completely broken her" Heather started to sob "And I just love her so much"
"Hey listen to me" Dianna started "You don't deserve it okay, you have two people that love you very much and your being a good person by staying faithful that can't be easy"
"But I want her" Heather cried "I want her so badly, but he has always been there. And he has always been so good to me and I just I do love him but…I just can't lose her and what if her and I ever broke up and what if I never spoke to her again I just…I don't know what to do" Heather's words a muddle amidst her sobs.
Dianna rubbed her back softly trying to get her to calm down. "Heather, I can't tell you what to do okay? Only you can do that, but you're already gonna lose her so if she is what you want, don't not do it because you're afraid"
"I just can't imagine my life without either of them" Heather cried in to Dianna's shoulder.
"Life is shitty and it does this stuff. But at the end of the day you have two people that are willing to give you their everything. And Naya wouldn't do this to you if she didn't have to, but one way or another you are just gonna have to choose and she hates herself for that" Dianna told her softly.
After a few minutes of silence Heather started again "I really don't deserve her".
"Don't look at it like that, she loves you, she'd never want to hurt you" Dianna slowly stood, knowing she had to be back on set in a minute. "Just be happy Heather, for you not for anyone else, do what makes you happy" Dianna said with a nod before turning and leaving.
Heather found herself looking between the door handle and her car that was parked in lot just off set. One would take her back to her house where her boyfriend would be waiting, back to the safety of the life and love she has always known. The other would take her in to something that she was pretty sure could destroy her, but might just make her life along with it.
There she sat head in hands, unable to make what would indefinitely be the impossible choice.
This is either gonna be a one shot or I might write the next chapter I'm not sure yet. Thanks for reading.