Author: SuddenlySandi PM
This is a satire of Edward as a religious man taking Bella as a third wife. She is not the innocent he believes her to be and she is determined to bring the real man into the open. AH story by SDFreezeRated: Fiction M - English - Parody/Humor - Bella & Edward - Chapters: 13 - Words: 28,780 - Reviews: 104 - Favs: 183 - Follows: 55 - Published: 03-10-11 - Status: Complete - id: 6811890
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Title: Big Daddy
Stephenie Meyer owns all Twilight Characters.
This story is SATIRE! It is an alternate Universe where Polygamy is legal and people can choose to live it or not. No religions are named or made fun of in this story. It is a compilation of stereotypes taken to the extreme. If it offends you, please don't read it!
When last published, this story had 39 reviews.
It was a long night and nobody got any sleep. Edward stared at the pictures on the screen in front of him. Rose was smiling next to Emmett, who had his arms lightly around her and Samuel, as they crouched together for a picture, both boys with identical dimples to Emmett's. Next was Jasper and Alice, both looking at Julia, as she stared at Jasper with his exact profile. Edward felt angry, sad, disappointed, and a definite crack in his foundation.
He brought up the next picture, and saw the reflection of his face as he had never seen it before. The stranger in the photograph was happy, not trying to be happy, but genuinely happy. Bella, with her tongue extended to his cheek looked silly, sexy, and completely his. He flashed forward to the other pictures and noticed what was missing with his other two wives, the devotion and commitment he shared with Bella.
In every picture Edward was looking only at Bella. He noticed how she was constantly all over him and he never once gave Rose or Alice's feelings consideration, but then again why should he. They had betrayed him in the most offensive way imaginable. He thought back over the years to see if he was negligent or odious to them to cause such deceit.
The only thing he could think of was the lack of indisputable love that he felt only for Bella. The other women had to have noticed he was trying to portray the image of a loving husband without actually fulfilling the role. He had betrayed them, too.
Bella paced back and forth terrified she lost the man she now knew she couldn't live without. It wasn't just possessive jealousy that made her orchestrate the end of the façade the others had built. She wanted more than anything in the world for Edward to be happy. They couldn't find God when they were trying so hard to hide themselves from Him. If they couldn't be honest with Him, how could they ever be honest with each other?
The next day was Sunday and Edward still never left the office. Rose and Alice were a mess and both had red swollen eyes. The three women didn't talk, but helped each other care for the kids and kept them entertained. Bella noticed the dusty Bible missing from the shelf and hoped Edward didn't plan on fasting for forty days and nights.
After the kids were put to bed Edward called for Rose, she entered the study with shaky hands and teary eyes.
"I'm sorry," Edward said to her as his own tears fell.
She shook her head back and forth but couldn't speak, so Edward walked over to kneel by her chair. "Rosalie, I am so sorry."
"Don't," she choked out, and tried to move her hand from under his. He pulled her into his arms and repeated the words into her ear several times.
"Please Edward," she begged through her sobs. "Don't be so kind, I don't deserve it."
"Yes you do, angel. You deserve it and more. I love you, Rose, but I was never in love with you. I played with the boys, but I was never a father to them. I can't let you go unless I know Emmett is in love with you and will be a good father to the boys."
"He's an amazing man," she assured Edward. "He loves me and the boys."
"I will do whatever you ask me to do," he said as the tears fell.
"Be my friend," she asked.
Alice was summoned next and Edward greeted her by pulling her tiny body onto his lap. "I never realized you stopped needing me, and that was just more abuse. Can you forgive me?"
"You saved me, Edward. You made me feel safe, so I could find real love, I will always treasure you for that," she said as she hugged him tightly.
"I have known Jasper awhile, he's a good man."
"He is patient, like you," she smiled.
"I will always be here for Julia, anything she needs don't hesitate to ask."
Alice nodded and then smiled at him again. "Bella is perfect for you, Rose and I would never leave if she wasn't in your life."
"Bella will be the death of me," he laughed.
"Good luck is all I can say," she laughed with him.
He kissed her softly and walked her to the door of his office. He didn't send for Bella and instead pulled out his journal to write. On the last page he found handwriting he didn't recognize. The page read:
I am Edward Cullen. I like gin, and smoking relaxes me, I enjoy looking at naked women and find the female body to be beautiful, I like rock songs and I really rock at sex. A woman named Bella loves me more than her own life and will always love me, no matter what weaknesses I have, or how many times I sin. I am not perfect, but God already knows that, so I will settle for being happy.
He put the journal down and climbed the stairs to knock on Bella's bedroom door. She softly told him it was open, and he walked in to see her sitting in the middle of her bed, with a terrified look on her face. His tears were falling freely and he knew with a certainty she was his lifeline. Everything he knew was fake, but she was real and he needed her.
"I drink, I smoke, I love popular music, your vitamins are birth control pills, and I was a horrible husband and father, but I love you more than my own life," he said quietly.
"I drank, and smoked, and snuck into clubs, I was taking my own birth control pills, and I was a horrible daughter with no morals, but I love you more than my own life," she admitted.
"I kind of figured that," he smiled.
She jumped up and sprinted across the bed and into his arms. He held her tightly opening his soul, his real soul, to let her in. She pulled him to the bed and they lay together just touching and reaffirming their love.
"Rose and Alice are leaving," he finally told her.
"How do you feel about it?" she asked.
"Relieved, now I know what love is, it would have been cruel to continue on like I was."
"Nobody is to blame, Edward."
"But somebody is responsible, and that is you, Love."
She looked at him warily and he smiled at her. "You are responsible for making us all very happy. It terrifies me to think what would have happened if old man Banner would have lived."
"It terrifies you, think of me trying to introduce sex toys to him," she cringed at the thought.
"He would have….wait….what?"
Bella laughed loudly and climbed on top of Edward letting her hair fall around them. "You graduated my dear, and college is about to begin," she teased him.
"You may find I have been a self taught student and don't need as much instruction as you think," he teased back.
"Oh, you will have to study….religiously."
The transition was smooth and both women filed for divorce. Bella traveled with Edward whenever she could. It took several months, but she knew he was finally stripped down to the naked truth of who he was when he knelt one night in prayer and said only four words….."Forgive me, help me."
Edward, always a stalwart in the community, was being treated like the plague. People would no longer speak to him or acknowledge his presence in any way. His truck tires would be knifed and his windows egged by the good people of the community. It finally all came to a head when a mob, they called themselves the neighborhood watch, came to extend an invitation for them to move away.
"What have I done that is so offensive?" Edward asked them.
"You threw away your other wives," they accused him.
"I allowed them to choose, they chose to leave."
"You allow your wife to wear pants and let her wear her hair down sinfully."
Oh, now they did it, Bella thought. Edward smiled and waited for the onslaught he was certain was coming. Bella stepped from the house and walked right up to the crowd, she looked at the men standing in front of their wives and turned to Edward. "May I dear?"
"Yes, you may, love." He actually felt a little sorry for the old men.
"You honestly think nobody notices your wives ass and tits because they are covered in gingham? It doesn't stop you old ball sacks from leering at our young bodies. And if pulling our hair like a horses bridle, as you ride us for all of twenty seconds isn't sinful, I can wear my hair any damn way I like."
The women covered their ears and mouths while the old men boiled at her nerve. "Oh come on, ladies," Bella yelled. "It's sex, it feels good, or at least it should if you have the right man and not some comb over, pot bellied, asthmatic, child molesting grandpa."
The men began escorting their wives from Bella's presence, so she yelled after them, "If you touch our house or truck again I will start educating your wives on what a real husband is like, and you old farts will have to start sucking each other's dicks!"
"Done, love?" Edward asked.
"For now," Bella answered.
The following night they had Rose, Emmett and the boys, along with Alice, Japer and their daughter all over for dinner. Edward loved spending time with the kids and the boys lit up with they saw Bella.
"Why did you name my boys Ozzie and Bono?" Rose demanded.
"You little traitors," Bella yelled to the boys.
"We didn't tell, Lady GaGa learned to talk better," they explained.
"Bella," Jasper said calmly. "I have a meat grinder and I can easily hide your body."
"Well at least the kid blinks now. She was really spooky for awhile."
"She was not even three, Bella," Alice explained.
"I don't know what that means, Alice."
"I can hardly wait until you have a baby," Rose and Alice agreed.
Edward and Bella each crossed a part of their bodies to ward off any birth control failure curse.
As the women set up the pot luck, Edward noticed how happy Rose and Alice were, and how well they finally got along with Bella. He couldn't even let himself imagine being married to either one of them. Bella was the only place he felt comfortable and real.
Everyone selected a pop, or a beer, and Bella reminded them to watch themselves as they left, surely some self appointed moral police would be ready to smite them for it. They ended the night when the kids began falling asleep and made plans to get together again soon.
Bella cleaned up the kitchen and walked into the bedroom to find Edward waiting for her. He was smiling provocatively and Bella knew he was up to something.
"What?" she asked with a smile on her face.
"Want to play?" he asked.
"Of course," she answered.
He pulled a video camera from behind his back and pointed to a tripod in the corner.
"Are you serious?" she giggled.
Bella grabbed the camera and began filming as he seductively removed all his clothing. She smiled into the viewer and decided to name the film, 'Big Daddy.'
…..anybody want a copy?