This is my first story so please be kind . I do not own Upstairs Downstairs . This story is just a fun way for me to put the characters I love in very strange situations and letting my imagination run wild .

Chapter 1

I've never had a diary before and so it seems rather strange to start now at this late date ; but after all that's happened these past three months I feel desperate for someone to talk , and be completely honest with . The night that every thing changed still seems so surreal , I think we are all still trying to come to terms with Captain James suicide ; But I cant think of that now , it breaks my heart to remember him as a little boy in my kitchen sneaking a piece of my plumb cake when he thought I wasn't looking . I keep trying to tell myself that it is grief over Captain James that is troubling me , but I know in my heart that that's not the difficulty .

It is so strange to think that just a week ago I was Kate Bridges ,cook at 165 Eaton place . After all these years of waiting and hoping I finally have what I've always wanted : to be a wife and mistress of my own home , and yet knowing that it could all disappear in a heart beat saddens me more than any thing . I cringe at the thought of Angus's face when I tell him -as I know I must -that after all our years of friendship all the secrets we've shared , the woman he asked to be his wife doesn't exist and never has . It was so easy when I first went into service to pretend I was someone I wasn't . I even enjoyed making up a life story for myself , wondering the streets of London choosing a place where my father's sweet shop could have been , the school I could have gone to . I could never have imagined that I would meet a man like Angus , fall in love and become his wife . I was brought up to think that no such men as he existed . It was a week ago , now , that I became Mrs. Hudson and yet I still cant bring myself to tell Angus the truth . I can hear the clock in the hall striking ten , and I can't help but feel anxious for the night ahead .

The night we were married was our last night in Eaton place . It was so wonderful to sit in the servants hall holding hands and calling each other Angus and Kate and not worrying who heard or saw us . I thrilled to hear Rose and Daisy call me Mrs. Hudson . I wanted to believe so much that who I really was or where I'd really come from didn't matter , I'd lived the lie so long I almost fooled myself as well . I was not at all sure of what Angus expected of me , I knew him to be pious and perhaps even a little prudish at times , but I had also seen a side of him most don't see , the affectionate gentle even vulnerable side . Never the less I expected -given our age - that Angus might feel that our relationship ought to stay strictly platonic (though I must admit here and now that I hoped otherwise ) .

I offered - with foresight - to do the washing up in the evening so that Angus and I could have the kitchen and servants hall alone to ourselves for a while . How I love to watch him while he works ! I'd never seen him scrub a dish before that night ,but, he went to work on it with the same serious concentrated expression on his face that he has when he polishes the silver or brushes His Lordships top hat . He was talking about Sea-view and all the work we'll need to do to get it up and running to make it a success as a guest house , but I could hardly pay attention to what he was saying ; I'd always admired his accent but that night I thought I had never heard a more beautiful sound in my whole life . I hardly noticed when he handed me the last dish and walked away from the sink to switch off the hall light and lock the door for the night . I felt his hand on my arm and I jumped and nearly dropped the plate having not heard him come up behind me. "Kate , my dear , it's a wee thing late we should be going off to bed as well ." No doubt that when he said bed he actually meant to sleep and nothing more , I silently assured myself ,but I couldn't help the twinge of anticipation I felt as he led me through the butlers pantry and into his bedroom behind .

Closing the door behind us he led me over to the bed and we sat down together , he suddenly seemed shy and it was a few seconds before we could look at each other . "Kate ,after all these years you're my wife ." I could only nod . "You look very beautiful tonight , my dear ." I know I blushed very deeply and couldn't help but think about all the wrinkles and lines on my face and the hair which had long since turned grey . Gently he put a hand under my chin and tilted my face toward him ( He is such a handsome man my Angus). I could feel myself already shivering with desire as he bent and pressed his mouth to mine . I suppose this is how he says goodnight but, Oooohhhh my ;I thought as I felt our tongues touch for the first time . I waited hoping , he couldn't just leave it at that ,and sure enough suddenly his hands were on me first on my neck and then down to my chest to give my bosom a squeeze , then sliding toward the back and down to caress my bottom . When we finally split apart we were both as red as apples and gasping for breath . When he'd got his breath back , Angus got to his feet and started to undress himself and I couldn't help but stare in fascination as he shed his coat ,waistcoat and cravat .

Meanwhile a furious battle had began to rage inside my head ; how could I let Angus consummate our marriage tonight when every thing he thinks he knows about my past is a lie . But I love him and I'm his wife now , what could be more natural or right than to show it . "Kate?" I looked up from the carpet where I'd been staring and was disappointed to see that Angus had already finished dressing and was wearing his bed clothes . " You know , my dear , in the course of my duties I've been obliged to help dress and undress the men of this house before and if you would permit me I think I could put some of that knowledge to the test right now ." He pulled me to my feet and started on the buttons of my blouse . " I never imagined that I would enjoy undressing someone but , I think that I might just find that I do tonight ." He said as he gently slid the blouse from my shoulders revealing my chemise . I think I held my breath as he unhooked my skirt and let it fall in a pool at my feet . He lowered me onto the bed , just as I realized what I needed to do ; As a friend I couldn't allow things to go any further . "Angus , stop please stop ." I moaned , feeling near tears . He pulled away looking concerned "I didn't hurt you , did I ?" "No , you were perfectly wonderful ,it's just ….well I …" I searched desperately around for an excuse. " I suddenly have the most awful headache ." " Perhaps a wee dram of whiskey will help , I've got a bottle in my pantry ." He said as he made to get up , but I stopped him saying "No Angus , I think I best just go to sleep now" I quickly rolled over and pulled the covers up to my chin , so that he wouldn't see the tears that had sprung to my eyes . For a moment he didn't move or speak , than softly addressing my back he said "Perhaps it would be best to save it for tomorrow when were in our new home anyway . Well I suppose that's that then . Sleep well Kate ."and with that he lay down too and it wasn't long until I heard his breathing slow and I knew he'd fallen asleep .

When I woke the next morning Angus had already left the bed and I could hear the others in the kitchen . I got up and dressed feeling slightly more cheerful than I had the night before . "Morning Mrs. Bridges" said Ruby as I entered the kitchen pulling on my cap as I went . "Mrs. Hudson if you please Ruby" I reminded her " and I hope you've got the range going we'll need to start breakfast right away" Edward and Daisy watched from the table were they sat drinking their morning tea as Ruby and I started on the kippers and toast . "I hope servants breakfast wont take long ,Mrs. Hudson ,cause Eddy and I have to be off within the hour ."said Daisy looking doubtfully at Ruby's first attempt at toast . "Well if your so anxious about it why don't you make yourself useful and set the table in the servants hall ." I answered back a little snappishly . "I'll give you a hand Dais ."Said Edward putting down his empty tea cup and following his wife into the other room . "Ruby , pay attention to what your doing." I ordered as the smell of yet another burning piece of toast reached my nose . "Morning Mrs. B ..ah.. H . What's that smell ?" Asked Rose as she came down the stairs . "Ruby's burnt the toast again haven't you ?" "Oh I didn't mean to Mrs. Bridges . I was watching them ever so carefully." "I'm sure you were ; and it's Mrs. Hudson ." I snapped again feeling that my nerves had already begun to fray which didn't bode well .

I think my temper is one of the things I hate most about myself . I never seem able to get it under control . "Her Ladyship is running a little behind this morning and said they'd have breakfast a little late , so Mr. Hudson told me to tell you that we'll have servants hall breakfast first ." "Well , that's good , cause Edward and Daisy need to be off soon ."I told Rose , feeling a little relieved that I wasn't the only one behind this morning . Mr. Hudson came down the stairs just as we were bringing the breakfast out to the table in the servants hall . "Ah , so breakfast is all ready then Mrs. Hudson ." "Yes Mr. Hudson ,in spite of Ruby ." I said glowering at her and inwardly cursing myself for my lack of charity to that poor girl .

Breakfast that morning was a rather hurried affair with Edward and Daisy in a rush to start out so as to get to their new post before Lord and Lady Stockbridge (Miss Georgina as was )could get back from their honeymoon . The only person who seemed not at all touched by the amount of extra work we had that day was Ruby which made me even more annoyed with her ; So after bidding a very tearfully farewell to Edward and Daisy I pulled Mr. Hudson aside for a quiet chat in his pantry . After having agreed the night before to invite Ruby to come to Sea-view with us as a sort of maid of all work , I felt that perhaps in my present mood it wouldn't be the best thing for me to broach the subject with her and so was very relieved when Angus agreed to do it himself . Wisely he waited until after upstairs breakfast had been served to bring up the subject with her . I must admit to some surprise that she agreed immediately to the arrangement , had it been me I think I would have thought twice about moving in with someone who treated me as badly as I do her sometimes . I guess it isn't any wonder that no man would ever have me before now , Angus only took me because as a gentleman he wouldn't go back on his word , I would have expected nothing less from him . Poor darling man , I loath myself even more when I think of how I've tied him forever to such an unlovable creature as myself , I know it is my selfish love of him that makes me not want to give him up . Poor sweet darling Angus , there couldn't be a more loyal man in all the world .

It wasn't long after upstairs breakfast that their lord and ladyship left for their new home as well , having said goodbye to all of us the night before ,only Mr. Hudson and Rose were upstairs to see them off . Even though I didn't see them off myself I must admit I cried when I knew that they'd left , I really don't like change . I felt that a chapter of my life had finished and nothing would ever be the same . Angus , I could see , was thinking along the same lines as I was and so I did all I could to comfort him , though unlike me he hadn't given way to tears .

The packing up took much longer than I had anticipated it would , though I enjoyed packing the pots and pans that we were to take with us to Sea-view . I love all those old pans that have done such excellent service over the years , Her ladyship couldn't have thought of a better wedding present than them ; Angus and I could never have afforded to buy a whole new set , as it was we were going to need every penny we had to get Sea-view up and running . It was nearly two o'clock when we'd finally finished packing , and I could see that Angus was getting a little concerned about the time . He'd called a cab to take us to the train station owing to the amount of luggage we had to take with us . When we'd all got in and started off toward the station I could see him eying the taxi meter all the way there , a crease between his brows . I -on the other hand -could hardly see anything after watching Rose disappear in the distance behind us , my eyes being so swollen with tears . When we arrived at the station we were only just in time to catch our train and while Mr. Hudson paid the taxi driver Ruby and I had to run back and forth to get all the luggage onto the train . So worried was I that we'd missed one that I had to count all the cases several times after the train had started to reassure myself that nothing was missing . It was while we sat in the train with Ruby on one side of me , humming absent mindedly to her self , and Angus sitting across from us , deeply engrossed in the days paper , that I finally felt some excitement building in me , today for the first time I would have a home , a real home , a place I could claim to be the sole mistress of .

The train ride to Hastings didn't take as long as I had feared , but it did take some time to gather all of our luggage and find another taxicab . The strain of the morning had begun to show itself in Angus who seemed much less relaxed than usual , snapping a little at Ruby who's incessant humming was evidently annoying him . Ruby in turn became sullen and glum and there was nothing said as we rode toward our new house , until we came into view of it . Ruby and I , never having seen it , Angus pointed it out to us as we came up to it .Carefully I leaned over my husband to stare out the window at what was to be the first real home I had ever had .