Chapter 3

I was very glad , for once , that there was little cooking needing to be done with only the three of us here . My mind was miles away as I tried to cook the meal .

Angus , who seemed to have recovered his temper in my absence , kept up an almost constant stream of lists of chores that needed to be done in the house . I looked down at my plate and imagined all the extra fat that each morsel of food would put on my already significant stomach . Glancing up , just as Ruby gave a particularly loud groan over one of the chores Angus had assigned to her , I saw that the other two were nearly finished their meals while I had barely taken a single bite of mine . I tried not to show my disgust as I hurriedly worked my way through what seemed like a mountain of food .

"I'll do the washing up , you just dust the upstairs bedrooms ." I told Ruby as she started to collect the dishes . I picked up the pile of plates Ruby had left on the table as she disappeared upstairs . As I washed each plate my mind wandered back to the picture of Lindsey McLeod I had seen in Mr. Hudson's study and I couldn't help the overwhelming feelings of jealousy and anger that were filling me like a poison . The longer I thought about it the more the hate intensified and as I washed the last plate I felt such a rage build inside me that for a moment I couldn't see anything . Then , most shocking of all , I heard a loud crack and looking down I saw that the dry plates , I had left in a neat pile beside the sink , had suddenly, and with no apparent cause , broken into hundreds of tiny pieces . I let out a shriek of terror and Angus who had been immersed in his newspaper looked up in alarm . " Kate ,What happened ." I tried to explain but no sound came out . " Now , now , it's all right ,dear , just calm down ." Angus said leading me over to a chair and handing me a glass of water . I sipped it gratefully and gradually felt my voice returning . "I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation ." Said Angus when I'd explained to him what had happened . "These sorts of things always happen to me ." I said tearfully "When ever I'm very angry or sad or happy they always seem to happen ." "Your just imagining it , my dear ." He said soothingly . "I'm doing no such thing ." I snapped back . "You remember at Southwold when all those strange things where happening . Things floating through the air or turning on and off when no one was touching them . It always happened to me the most . I'm not just making it up ." "No of course not , my dear ." Angus agreed but I knew he was only saying it because he didn't want to get into an argument .

" Why don't you have a bit of a lie down now , my dear . It's been a very trying last few days and I expect you need a little extra sleep . I'll bring you in a cup of tea when it's time to get dinner started ." He said taking my hand and leading me to our bedroom . He helped me out of my dress and I lay down in my chemise as he pulled the covers over and tucked me in . "Now , don't you worry your head about a thing , You just get some sleep ."He bent forward and kissed my forehead before leaving the room , closing the door softly behind him .

Unable to get the image of the beautiful Miss McLeod out of my head I tossed and turned until sleep took me and even then my dreams were disturbed . I dreamt that I could see my husband as the young handsome man he had been when we first met . He was walking hand in hand with miss McLeod and I followed them to a secluded spot far from prying eyes . I could hear him confessing undying love to her and then suddenly they were in each others arms kissing and undressing each other . " Angus , no ." I screamed dragging him away from her . " You can't do that , I'm your wife ." Angus only laughed looking me up and down with disgust on his face . " No one would ever want you while Lindsey McLeod was around ." Their laughter was like physical pain to me and I turned away from them only to find myself in front of a mirror . I stared at my reflection in horror , my entire body was so bloated and red I barely looked human . The dream devolved as I felt Angus shaking me awake . " Were you having a nightmare ? You were thrashing about in your sleep ." " I'm alright ." I answered a little groggily as I took the tray he offered me and put it on my lap . " Are you quite sure , your as white as a sheet ." " I'm fine ." I answered with a firmness that clearly indicated that the subject was closed .

Angus sat down on the foot of the bed and rubbed his hand unconsciously against my leg . " You know I really think we've made some excellent progress already , Sea-view already looks much better than it did when we arrived ; and Ruby is proving to be a great deal more helpful than I expected . You ought to take a look at the guest rooms she's been cleaning this afternoon ." I tried to smile even though my dream was still fresh in my mind , and I knew it looked rather forced . Perhaps taking my smile for disbelief , Angus hastened to assure me . "Really , I think maybe Ruby's real calling was to the life of a house-parlor maid ." I wasn't sure how serious he was being so I took a long sip of tea which relieved me of the need to reply .

Angus sat by me until I finished my tea and than took the tray back to the kitchen after assuring himself that I would be out to start dinner as soon as I was dressed . I pulled my dress on over my head and fixed my hair even though I knew I could never look anything other than a pig with long gray hair .

" I think we'll make chops for our dinner tonight , Ruby . Go get the pan out ." I said as I entered the kitchen . It wasn't long until the delicious smells of perfectly cooked meat and potatoes filled the house . I may be a complete failure as a person but I will always be a good cook . Again I tried to hide my complete revulsion as I ate everything on my plate .

After the table had been cleared and I had inspected the upstairs rooms ; the three of us for the first time allowed ourselves a night of relaxation in the parlor . Mr. Hudson read aloud to us as I sat sewing quietly beside the fire and Ruby sat dozing on the sofa . It wasn't until Ruby began to snore that Angus shut the book and I went and draped a cover over the girls sleeping figure . Angus put his hand on my back and led me quietly from the room switching off the light as we left .

As we entered our bedroom together I felt again the familiar feelings of anticipation coupled with dread and embarrassment . Mr. Hudson is a gentleman ,of that I have no doubt , but even a gentleman has needs and desires ; how long will he keep accepting my lame excuses and demand what is his by right ? I shivered as I felt him pass me but to my surprise he didn't approach me but instead walked over to his side of the bed and pull out his night clothes . I pulled my night dress over my head wondering if perhaps Mr. Hudson had decided to wait until we were lying side by side on the bed before making his advances . I lay down as close to the edge of the bed as I could without falling off and bit my lip as I felt Angus get in beside me . I closed my eyes waiting for the inevitable but nothing happened and after a few minutes I dared a look at my husband and was surprised (and I must admit , deeply disappointed ) to see that his back was to me . I lay back down and felt hot tears run silently down my face . Only a few days of marriage and he's already lost interest , or perhaps the interest was never there and he only felt obligated to perform his duty for my sake . What a fool I am , what a revolting sick creature , waiting for this poor man to demean himself by touching me and knowing all along that he could never love me (no one ever could , or has loved me) , that he is already in love with some one else . No doubt if we had conjugal relations it would be her face he saw and her name on his lips .

With all these thoughts running through my head , I barely slept a wink that night . Every time I closed my eyes I could see my husband in the arms of his first love saying all the things to her that I wished he would say to me , and knowing all along that I could never deserve them .

When at last morning came , and I felt Angus stirring beside me , I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep so that I wouldn't have to face him . I waited until I heard him leave the room , and the sounds of his retreating footsteps had died down , to drag myself up from the bed . Carefully I went to the door of my room , to make certain that I couldn't hear anyone near by , before retrieving the pills I had bought from my handbag . Feeling for the first time as though I was in control , I downed two bright orange pills and replaced the bottle then dressed and walked out of the room arranging my face in a way which , I hoped , made me look calm and well rested .

Ruby stood by the kitchen table pouring out a fresh pot of tea when I entered . "Morning Mrs. Bridges" said Ruby yawning widely as she handed me a cup of tea . " Hudson , Ruby , Mrs. Hudson . I see you haven't started the breakfast yet ." " I only just got up Mrs. Bridges ….ah…I mean ….Mrs. Hudson ." " Well you'd better start it now , there's work to be done . Has Mr. Hudson had his tea ?" " I've just finished it ." Said Angus entering the kitchen from his study an empty tea cup in hand . " I need to have a word with you in my study if you don't mind , my dear ." I couldn't help but feel slightly apprehensive as I followed my husband back to his study ; where he sat down behind the desk , a pile of papers in front of him .

"I'm afraid I had no idea before we came how much work Sea-view needed done ." Angus sighed heavily and shuffled the papers on his desk . " I thought at worst we would have to replace about half of the beds in the house , but on closer inspection I'm afraid none of them looks at all suitable ." I sat down across from my husband as a wave of exhaustion suddenly threatened to overwhelm me .

" It's not only the beds , but , the telephone needs to be replaced and I'm worried that there might be some leaking in one of the attic bedrooms . Not to mention once the bed's are replaced we'll have to buy new linins as well ." " I hate to think what all of that would cost ." I said , once Angus had finished speaking . "That is my concern also ." Angus stood and began to pace back and forth behind his desk . " Could we just replace some of the beds and only open up those rooms to the guests to start with ." " I did look into that possibility ." He answered slowly . " But ?" I probed him . " But" He continued heavily " As things stand it would take all of our savings to do everything we needed to do to get this place up and running , and in the current climate I'm beginning to worry that we wouldn't be able to make all the money back , let alone turn a profit ." " You might be mistaken though . It is entirely possible that we could make back every thing we spent on Sea-view and more besides ." " It is possible ." Angus agreed slowly . " It would also be an enormous risk ."

Mr. Hudson sat back down and looked across at me with worry etched into the lines of his face . " What else can we do , Angus ? Think of all the trouble Daisy and Edward had trying to find work . They were very lucky that Lord Stockbridge and Miss Georgina stepped in and offered them positions when they did ." Angus nodded sadly . " Aye , your right there , my dear ; these are difficult times for anyone to be out of work . However we both have excellent references , it might just be possible that we could find positions in service at least in houses not too far from each other if not in the same house ." I felt confused and hurt by his suggestions , could it be that Angus was just proposing these things to get away from me . He didn't want to make love to me and the thought of living and working in separate houses didn't even seem to bother him . I closed my eyes tight wiling myself not to cry and said so quietly that it was barley audible . " What ever would be most convenient for you , what ever would make you happiest I will do ." Angus seemed not to have heard me . "Oh Kate , Kate , I really don't know what to do ." I opened my eyes and saw that Angus had buried his face in his hands . " I'm afraid you were right yesterday , Kate . We never should have married ." This time I couldn't hold back the tears that sprang to my eyes .