|20 DADA Profs that Voldy is Glad They Never Hired
Author: Luna del Cielo PM
20 DADA profs that Voldy is glad Hogwarts never hired…and a few he's glad they did.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Harry P. & Voldemort - Chapters: 18 - Words: 44,267 - Reviews: 103 - Favs: 108 - Follows: 109 - Updated: 05-15-12 - Published: 03-31-11 - id: 6858687
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Professor Bruce Banner
"Hey everybody," their new professor greeted with a soft smile. He stood at the front of the classroom next to the oak desk, looking out at the rows of Gryffindor and Slytherin students. "Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts. My name is Dr. Bruce Banner."
"Excuse me, professor?" Hermione interjected with a wave of her hand.
Dr. Banner looked down at the seating chart. "Yes…Hermione?"
"I haven't heard of anyone in the Wizarding World who has a doctorate. May I ask what you studied?" Hermione inquired.
"No, no, by all means, inquire," Dr. Banner said with a wave of his hands. "I am a nuclear physicist."
"A nuke-clear-what?" Draco asked.
"A nuclear physicist," Dr. Banner repeated with a slight smile.
"So you're not a wizard…?" Harry presumed.
"Eh." Dr. Banner shrugged. "No. I mean, I do know something about the scientific methods that wizards label as 'transfiguration'." He winced. "Actually I know quite a bit about that."
"Then why are you teaching this class?" Draco asked scornfully. "We're supposed to know how to perform the dark arts—er, spells against those dark, bad, evil arts," Draco added quickly. "Heh."
"Well I've been out of work for a while and looking for a new place to lie low from the govern—that is, looking for a new place to live, and Dumbledore needed a professor that didn't scare easily," Dr. Banner explained.
"That's probably good, considering everyone who's had this position has been cursed in some way," Harry informed him.
A shadow crossed Dr. Banner's face and his eyes darkened at Harry's words. "Trust me, I know something about curses," he said gruffly.
Hermione eyed the slight figure with his mousy brown hair and soft manners, wondering just exactly how he was supposed to help them.
"Erm, no offense professor," Hermione said in a voice that sounded skittish but determined. "But do you really think you're the best person for this position? After all, Voldemort is back and Death Eaters are running rampant – we really need to learn how to defend ourselves against the dark arts."
Pursing his lips, Dr. Banner shook his head. "That's fair, Hermione. I think—"
A great boom sounded and the adjoining wall exploded, sending debris through the classroom. The students shrieked and hid under their desks while Dr. Banner was thrown backwards, gasping as a giant chunk of brick hit his solar plexus.
"It has taken me years but I have finally figured out how to break Hogwarts' protection spells!" Voldemort's cruel, high voice declared gleefully.
"Voldemort!" Harry sneered, his wand in his hand.
Voldemort's red snake-like eyes bore into the Boy-Who-Lived. "Harry Potter. How was your summer vacation? Mine was just lovely, thank you for asking." He smiled, chilling everyone in the room – everyone, that is, but their professor who was busy heaving bricks off his body. "I had some delightful times with a group of muggles on a bridge."
"Expell—" Harry's throat closed as Voldemort performed a dark silencing spell on him.
"Tsk tsk, Harry. That won't do," Voldemort admonished gently. "I'll need my wand if I am going to make you pay for what you have done to me."
"Pay for what he's done to you?" Ron shouted, his face turning as red as his hair. "You're the one who murdered his parents!"
Voldemort's head cocked to the side as he examined Ron, much like an eagle observes a worm. "A Weasley. There are so many of you…perhaps we should change that." He raised his wand but a new voice interrupted him.
"I wouldn't do that if I was you." Dr. Banner, dirty from the dust of the collapsed wall, stood panting after he exerted most of his strength in throwing off those bricks.
"Who are you?" Voldemort sniffed. "Yet another one of Dumbledore's fools masquerading as a real professor?"
"Please," Dr. Banner snorted with a sarcastic smile. "With my degree I'm the only person here who actually is qualified to teach about dangerous materials and experiments. "
"You best watch your tongue, boy, or else I'll show you something truly dangerous," Voldemort cautioned.
"Like this?" Dr. Banner said with a smile, before his face seemed to melt and reform before their eyes, his body stretching and widening, bulging muscles ripping through his clothes, his skin darkening to a shade of green.
Eyes widening as he sought to understand what sort of dark wordless spell this man had performed, Voldemort knew he had to exterminate the man quickly before further complications arose. "Avada Kedavra!"
A jettison of green light shot out of Voldemort's wand and all the students cried out in terror. The man once known as Dr. Banner stared down at the light curiously. "Pretty," he commented in a deep voice that made the students think of mountains moving.
Then the light hit him, and all held their breath even as Voldemort had already begun his malicious cackle of glee. The green creature took a step backward from the impact and…giggled?
"Tickles." He gingerly rubbed the spot.
Flabbergasted, Voldemort shouted "How did you do that?" His expression turned angry and he raised his wand again. "You stupid hulking beast!"
A grimace washed across the Hulk's face and he took two large steps towards Voldemort. "Mean," he stated. Then he picked up Voldemort by the scruff of his neck and stared at him while he snapped Voldemort's wand with his pinky finger.
"HULK SMASH!"he shouted in a booming voice.
The Hulk flung Voldemort into the floor, picked him up, and turned to smash him into the other side of the floor. Then he carried on with this. Repeatedly.
When there was nothing more but a red slick of blood and white paste of pulverized bone, the Hulk grunted. "Puny wizard."
Hey everyone! Many thanks for the reviews and for reading. I do apologize for the lack of regular updates, but this fic is an inspiration-only type, meaning I only update when I am feeling especially inspired. This chapter, of course, stemmed from my viewing of the new Avengers movie ;)
Hope you liked it! There are only 3 mysterious DADA professors left!