|The Tale of the Samba Pineapple
Author: Poppycock von Zuipperpips PM
In which Google Chrome hates her name, Hibird is Kyoya's nephew and Mukuro just wants to know why the hell his name is Japanese when he's supposedly Italian. 6996/B26 if you squint. Written for April Fools' Day.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Mukuro R. & 1st Mist Guardian/Demon Spade - Words: 1,547 - Reviews: 28 - Favs: 75 - Follows: 9 - Published: 04-01-11 - Status: Complete - id: 6864174
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Warning for my hopefully ignorable pairing biases, my ignorance of pineapple anatomy and other fail areas. Drop a review if you'd like to see more of this retarded faggotry. I may have plans for the Primo/Varia/Millefiore.
In Italy once upon a time, there lived a young pineapple named Mukuro. He was unusual among the other mafia fruit because his tuft was a deep indigo, as opposed to various shades of green and brown. For this reason, he was experimented upon by older fruits in his family, together with various young plants and animals. One day, Mukuro grew tired of having piña colada constantly extracted from him and revealed that he had not in fact lived once, but six upon a time. In a previous life, he had been He-Man, Master of the Universe, and so he harnessed the power of Grayskull to turn his family into Hawaiian pizza, sparing only a four-eyed kappa and a blond weredog.
Once Mukuro, Chikusa and Ken had left their family, they embarked on an epic quest to discover why they, as Italians, had Japanese names. Said epic quest led them to a town called Namimori, which was ruled by a vicious skylark named Kyoya. This skylark was rather small as far as Angry Birds go, but he maintained that small animals were not necessarily weak, and pecked to death many a hapless citizen.
Meanwhile, in the terrorised town of Namimori lived a little tuna named Tsuna who failed at life. Luckily, he was a mafia boss and so was backed up by a huge family, the main members consisting of Kyoya, a house-turned-alley lolcat named Hayato, a carefree goggie called Takeshi, a cactus known as Ryohei the Extreme, a young broccoli-cow hybrid named Lambo, and a terrifyingly human infant known as Reborn.
Mukuro was intent on beating the skylark and possessing the little tuna so that he could take over the mafia family known as Shellfish, and later the world. He decided to work on an evil laugh so that he would be a cool villainous pineapple. Wandering around Kokuyo, Namimori's neighbouring town, he, Ken and Chikusa noticed much graffiti over every available surface, which would never have been allowed in Namimori. Several variations of 'FUCK' later, he had chosen.
The next step was to make sure it struck fear and/or extreme irritation in the cores of his enemies. At first he considered a gangsta rap titled 'Kufufu no Fu', but quickly changed his mind. He wasn't that evil.
In true shonen manga style, Mukuro, Kyoya and Tsuna engaged in epic, manly battle complete with epic final-move screaming. Mukuro managed to defeat Kyoya by shoving stems of sakura up his beak, activating his hay fever. The leader of Team Shellfish was unimpressed and set his pineapple tuft on fire using magical gloves made from the digestive juices of shapeshifting chameleons. Mukuro was defeated and his punishment was to become one with the Shellfish. This was clearly Reborn's idea, as the Shellfish certainly didn't want to become one with him.
Tsuna noticed Mukuro to be rather unsteady on his roots after the battle and decided that, like him, pineapples needed plenty of water. Mukuro was sent to an aquarium named Vendicare, where he practised the backstroke. Being the wonderful caring boss he was, he searched for a suitable vessel with which to manifest his glorious tuft and so communicate with Ken and Chikusa. Preferably something to conquer the sky, as he had conquered the seas with the help of his backstroke. As luck would have it, he met a snowy owl named Google Chrome.
Google Chrome hated her name. She swore her loyalty and her tufty feathers to the pineapple, and in return, he edited her birth certificate. She also confessed her weakness for ballroom dancing, which she could never quite get the hang of. Mukuro, a true Italian, offered her lessons. During their sessions, he hummed his Evil Laugh™ to the tune of whatever they were dancing to, waltz, tango, foxtrot. He found himself returning to that one tune… he couldn't place it, but it was his favourite. Ken and Chikusa offered to help with lyrics, and soon there were posters advertising Kufufu no Fu, by Rokudo Mukuro, produced by Shellfish Studios. The song was a smash hit in no less than sixty-nine countries, for which he won the Samba Pineapple award and proved once and for all that beans weren't the only musical fruit. And Mukuro saw that the title was good.
However, seeing his name flashing on billboards frustrated him, for he still had not completed the epic quest to find out the reasoning behind his name. Ken and Chikusa had long since forgotten the quest, Ken being content with his English-sounding name and Chikusa simply losing interest. Seeing everyone around him settle down, Mukuro made an effort to suppress the feeling, going so far as to record a duet with the skylark (who was showing very vague signs of mellowing with age).
Mukuro lived quietly for a while, continuing to teach Chrome dancing and occasionally helping the Shellfish with difficult enemies. He had been present with the family on a lazy evening when a blond skylark, who looked a lot like Kyoya's nephew Hibird, had come swooping down from his perch on a gozaru's shoulder and started pecking at a watermelon with an odd pineapple-like tuft. Said watermelon introduced himself as "Spade. Daemon Spade," and taken off with the gozaru and skylark in tow, leaving everyone but Mukuro wondering why he had two names, and which was his first. Mukuro just wondered why the watermelon had stared at his tuft so intensely.
Having been Houdini in another past life, Mukuro spent his non-musical time devoted to the fine art of illusion. He employed this to steal many shiny rocks from Tsuna's tank. His favourites were the indigo ones because they matched his tuft.
One day, the samba pineapple was perfecting his freestyle in a sheltered pond when something kicked him in the roots. It was a little frog, with barely-formed legs and a visible tail. The froglet stared at him with big green eyes, and flicked his tongue at Mukuro's tuft. Mukuro glared at him. The frog sneezed on Mukuro. Mukuro would have had the frog burn in Dante's Inferno™, but then the snot started to swirl around in the air, forming an enormous slimy fork. The froglet seized it and used it to poke the pineapple. And that is how Mukuro met Fran.
After years of rigorous training, the boss tuna had the now fully-grown Fran sent to work as an illusionist for the Independent Gaylord Squad. Mukuro was rather worried for his little apprentice's safety (read: virginity) at first, but he needn't have worried. Fran seemed to be the one tormenting the other members, particularly the resident mink prince. And when said prince started taking a certain interest in the frog, Mukuro supposed he shouldn't even be surprised.
Ten years after the murder of his captors and the start of his epic quest, it all came to an end. Mukuro was waiting in the customary meadow for his adorable owl so they could practice for the international salsa competition when an oddly familiar shadow fell over the samba pineapple. Looking up, his eyes fell on a watermelon… with a pineapple tuft very similar to his own.
"Mukuro," the watermelon said solemnly. "It's been a while."
"What are you doing here, Spade?" the pineapple bristled inwardly. He didn't know why, but something about Daemon Spade rubbed him the wrong way. "You'd better not have come to take my cute Chrome."
"Mukuro, listen," Daemon said more urgently.
"I am your father."
Mukuro stared. "WHUT."
"It's true. That's why your tuft is indigo, like mine. Your grandfather was a pineapple, but your grandmother was a watermelon like me." Mukuro contemplated this revelation which, in hindsight, he should probably have seen coming.
"If you're my father, then you should probably know why my name is Japanese, right?"
"Indeed," the watermelon said sadly. "Your mother was a lovely square watermelon from Japan, but she vanished with our seedling. I later received word that she had been killed and our son taken into another mafia family, but I never found out which one. I did some research based on what the Shellfish know of your past, and there's no doubt about it. You're my son."
"Okay," Mukuro sighed. "Now can I leave the Shellfish family and just be an ally on the side?" Daemon fidgeted.
"Yeah, about that," he said nervously. "I helped found the Shellfish family, so this lumps you in with them even more securely." Mukuro sank to his roots in despair.
Just then Chrome appeared in the meadow. "I'm sorry I'm late, Mukuro-sama, I-" She stopped dead at the sight before her.
"What have you done to Mukuro-sama?" She demanded fiercely, flying forward to peck at Daemon Spade's tuft while Mukuro continued to wail in the background.
And they all lived Amano ever after.