|What you do to Me
Author: JohnWatson-Holmes PM
LUCKY! Lavi confronts Tyki about all of his feelings, and emotions are felt. Enjoy :Rated: Fiction T - English - Angst/Romance - Lavi & Tyki Mikk - Words: 1,210 - Favs: 7 - Published: 04-20-11 - Status: Complete - id: 6923380
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
"I was stupid… so very stupid… and now I'm going to hurt a lot of people's feelings." the red head spoke, sitting on the edge of the bed, back turned to the darker haired male.
"I get that, I've felt the same way at times. Change… and people for the most part, are hard." the dark haired male spoke, puffing on his cigarette and blowing the smoke into the air around them. Snuffing it out, he reached over and hugged the red head from behind.
"I just want to say so much stuff... that's mostly hurtful and can anger people... I want to yell and argue and just let it all out... It's like part of me wants to be nice and not speak the truth... but the other part wants to be mad at you...It's so hard to deal with both sides... because either way I'm not happy." The younger male spoke in one deep breath, his body visibly shaking underneath the other's touch.
"It's your choice in the end to say what you want to say, Lavi." the older one spoke softly, hugging tighter to stop the trembles.
"It's just so hard, Tyki… living with this sometimes. Can I take it out on you? Get mad and yell?" Lavi asked, spinning in the embrace and looking up at him with a pain filled green eye.
Tyki moved away to sit back in his place on the bed while Lavi kneeled before him. "Please, if it makes you feel better." he spoke, watching Lavi's emotions change.
"If everything is so false then why do I keep thinking that? If I deserve to be someone's boyfriend, why can't I be yours? It is so hard to keep holding onto something that is just too good to be true and not even know…" Lavi shouted out at the Portuguese male before him. His eye burned with tears and his body shook. "Is it even worth it anymore? To keep holding on? I can not keep smiling some days because of shit… I can not deal with all the people and all the emotions and I am starting to even doubt everything I thought to be true! I hate you so much for making me feel like this… but then I love you so much more than I hate you." Lavi sobbed out, leaning forward and pressing his face into his hands.
Tyki watched the boy break down before him and felt his own heart breaking at the sight. How could he have lived with this for so long?
"I am scared of a lot of things… I do and have done things that I am not proud of… but right now I really do not know who I am anymore. Have I changed so much that people don't even matter as much to me anymore? Have I really stopped caring? What have I turned into at this point…?" Lavi choked out, wiping his eyes to free them of the quickly falling tears. "I do not know your emotions… I do not know how you feel about things… I know you… but I still question myself if I do know you…. I don't even know if it is worth getting mad at you about… I do not know what I have become… but I don't like it…. I want to be happy so that you are happy… but I just can't do it…" Lavi said, finally giving up and falling into the mattress. He sobbed, taking shuddering breaths and his hands gripped the comforter.
"Jesus Christ…" Tyki whispered, placing a hand over his eyes and sighing. "Look, I'm sorry if I sound like I'm saying that you don't deserve to be my boyfriend, because it isn't what I'm meaning. It's the other way round. I don't feel...emotions like people who I see do. And I always wonder if there's something wrong with me because I can't. So I love you. Okay?" Tyki said looking down to see Lavi still had his face in the bed. But he knew the red head was listening. "But I don't think I'm good for anyone. But I know that I want you to be happy, and that's the best sign of emotion that I've had for a while… Christ, now I'm shaking." Tyki mumbled, watching Lavi slowly rise.
His pale face was damp, emerald eye still leaking tears. His red bangs stuck to his forehead. Holding out both arms, Lavi reached for Tyki. Tyki hugged him and pulled him over so they were lying down.
"Freaking jerk... making me feel the worst I have ever felt and then saying 'I love you' ... do have any idea how much it hurts...? I still love you... I really do... but... I just... I am sorry…" Lavi whispered brokenly, nuzzling into Tyki's chest with his face. "It's my fault for falling in love with such a great person like you."
"This isn't your fault, Lavi, and I'm not a great person. Really. I'm glad that you got mad at me because at least everything's out in the open and wondering whether to tell me or not isn't on your mind anymore making you worry." Tyki spoke back, running his fingers though Lavi's hair repeatedly. "Because if anything, I am the one who deserves it."
"No you don't! Not alone at least... I deserve it too... I love you Tyki Mikk. I have for a while, and if there is one thing that you deserve, anger isn't it. Sure, we all deserve lots of things, but it doesn't mean we have to get them. Okay?" Lavi said, snapping his head up to look into Tyki's eyes.
Tyki's eyes harbored no tears, but the way they looked made Lavi want to cry more. Tyki looked so broken and sad, his eyes held more emotion then they ever had.
"I wanted you to know... that I love the way you laugh. When I'm asleep, all I dream of is waking to you. You deserve better then me... I'm sure of it, but I'm not leaving you. I will never let you fall... I'll stand up with you forever. It's not too late... it's never too late." Lavi spoke, never taking his eyes away from Tyki's. The only time he'd stop was to blink his eye.
Tyki held Lavi in his arms tightly and hugged him. Lavi hugged back with as much strength as he could muster. They knew they couldn't keep fighting their emotions anymore.
"Do you feel any better?" Tyki asked Lavi, slight curiosity in his voice.
"Yeah… just really mellow." Lavi replied, reaching a hand up to twirl a lock of Tyki's hair in his fingers.
"Yeah. Mellow." Tyki mumbled, leaning in to place a kiss on Lavi's forehead. A small smile graced two pairs of lips in that moment.
Lavi and Tyki both knew that everyone was going to be okay now.